Need potential toxic friend advice please!!!!
Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2015 5:52 pm
Hi
I don't typically post these kinds of things on forums but I am in desperate need of help. I am even considering seeing a shrink for advice because I am having such a difficult time with a friend of mine.
I have been friends with this girl for about 11 years now so we were VERY close friends. She considers me one of her best friends. Over the recent years we have slowly come a part because my husband and I don't mesh at all with her future husband hes just not a very friendly guy and may have alcoholic tendencies. So, we just don't hang out with them as much. However, over the years of our friendship people around me would always say (especially my mom and husband who I have been with for 10 years) she puts me down a LOT and she isn't a good friend. However, I would just brush off the things she would say about me because we were young and she is insecure and I knew of her insecurities.
Until these past couple years (I am 25) I have matured and my husband and I are thinking about having kids soon. I started to view my life more serious and who I would want in my childrens life. Also, I was having very severe health issues that also started me question our friendship.
About 1 year ago I was working with this girl at a very good company. However, I started to get severe migraines multiple times a week to the point I couldn't work (it was a computer job). I was seeing naturopaths, regular physicians, neurologists you name it I've done it. It was one of the scariest things I had ever been through because I couldn't find what the cause was. I had a good friend I had met at this company who cared IMMENSELY about my health. She recommended foods for me to eat, would bring me healthy foods to eat, recommended me Doctors. I was in AWE about this girl. Alongside I had my supposedly very close friend of 11 years who was putting me down for being sick. I would literally be at home in pain in a pitch black room and she would be sending me texts saying:
"What are you going to do your missing SO much work" .. "I can't even imagine what the manager is thinking" .. "Dang dude that sucks do you even have any paid time off?" ...
I am one of those people who take work VERY seriously so I was already feeling super guilty about missing work. I honestly wouldn't doubt my migraines lasted longer because I was stressing about missing work. However, she NEVER cared about my health whatsoever... never once a "OMG im so scared for you I hope its nothign serious". Never.
Another instance that happened was when we were on a trip together and my boyfriend (Husband now but he was my boyfriend at the time) was at home. We were leaving the trip that day when this girls dad said that we could stay another night. We of course were really excited about it. I get a call 20 minutes later that my boyfriends dad just went into cardiac arrest and didn't know if he was going to make it. I told my friend that I needed to go home ASAP because of how serious it was. She got PISSED. Silent treatment wouldn't talk to me and I was a mess because of not being there for my boyfriend of 4 years (and husband now).
But overall she puts my family down, me down, and my other friends down. She is just a really really negative person. And not even just negative shes a very jealous girl as well. I told her we were building a house next door to my parents house (we have a family business) and first of all she didn't even respond to that part of the conversation. She completely avoided that I had even told her and talked about something completely different. A couple weeks later she was like "ha wow you won the jackpot for being a daughter of your family" or when I get a car she says "Ha wow jealous isn't that an expensive car?" No congratulations no I am happy for you nothing.
With my family she puts my husband down she puts my mom down. This didn't really start until I started working with her so I didn't want to cause conflicts at work so I just did what I always did I brushed it off. However, I didn't mention before but I ended up quitting the job because of my severe migraines to find out that the building had black mold in it which is what was the cause. I have now been migraine free for over a year.
In recent months I have finally gone off on her (I HATE conflict I know that's bad but I have a really hard time with it because of anxiety). The first time I went off on her was later on when I had my migraines she was just pushing and pushing and pushing about what a terrible worker I was (maybe your just not cut out for a 40 hour a week job, etc). And she then apologized. The second time I went off on her was when she blamed our friendship on me (because we don't hang out as much anymore). I told her it takes 2 people and to be honest we don't click with your future husband and it's awkward sometimes because he wont even say hello to us. The third time was when she asked me to be her MOH in her wedding and I didn't want to be. I told her I didn't want the responsibility and I didn't think I would be a good MOH. However, she ended up crying and wanted me to be there by her side and I agreed.
So here I am. You may be wondering "Well what's the problem?" the problem is on the outside she doesn't come across as mean at all. She is bubbly and she has done good things for me in the past to help me. It would also hurt her VERY much. But I am to the point now where I avoid her calls, texts, and im about to be her MOH in her wedding a few short weeks and I cannot ruin her day. I won't ruin her special day. I still care about her as a person I just can't be around her much anymore. It's like I have to walk on egg shells around her and constantly be in defense mode because she always has something to say. She just isn't a good friend and I've realized that through meeting good friends and actually realizing what a good friend LOOKS like.
My question to you all is... how do I break the ties??? Its going to hurt her I hate hurting people but my husband and I both don't want EITHER of them in our lives anymore. It isn't a give her another chance time now because we have already had 3 big fights... its a more of a question of how I can end the friendship on good terms? We live in a small town we have a lot of the same friends... its difficult... please help I've lost a lot of sleep over this and I want to do it the right way.
I don't typically post these kinds of things on forums but I am in desperate need of help. I am even considering seeing a shrink for advice because I am having such a difficult time with a friend of mine.
I have been friends with this girl for about 11 years now so we were VERY close friends. She considers me one of her best friends. Over the recent years we have slowly come a part because my husband and I don't mesh at all with her future husband hes just not a very friendly guy and may have alcoholic tendencies. So, we just don't hang out with them as much. However, over the years of our friendship people around me would always say (especially my mom and husband who I have been with for 10 years) she puts me down a LOT and she isn't a good friend. However, I would just brush off the things she would say about me because we were young and she is insecure and I knew of her insecurities.
Until these past couple years (I am 25) I have matured and my husband and I are thinking about having kids soon. I started to view my life more serious and who I would want in my childrens life. Also, I was having very severe health issues that also started me question our friendship.
About 1 year ago I was working with this girl at a very good company. However, I started to get severe migraines multiple times a week to the point I couldn't work (it was a computer job). I was seeing naturopaths, regular physicians, neurologists you name it I've done it. It was one of the scariest things I had ever been through because I couldn't find what the cause was. I had a good friend I had met at this company who cared IMMENSELY about my health. She recommended foods for me to eat, would bring me healthy foods to eat, recommended me Doctors. I was in AWE about this girl. Alongside I had my supposedly very close friend of 11 years who was putting me down for being sick. I would literally be at home in pain in a pitch black room and she would be sending me texts saying:
"What are you going to do your missing SO much work" .. "I can't even imagine what the manager is thinking" .. "Dang dude that sucks do you even have any paid time off?" ...
I am one of those people who take work VERY seriously so I was already feeling super guilty about missing work. I honestly wouldn't doubt my migraines lasted longer because I was stressing about missing work. However, she NEVER cared about my health whatsoever... never once a "OMG im so scared for you I hope its nothign serious". Never.
Another instance that happened was when we were on a trip together and my boyfriend (Husband now but he was my boyfriend at the time) was at home. We were leaving the trip that day when this girls dad said that we could stay another night. We of course were really excited about it. I get a call 20 minutes later that my boyfriends dad just went into cardiac arrest and didn't know if he was going to make it. I told my friend that I needed to go home ASAP because of how serious it was. She got PISSED. Silent treatment wouldn't talk to me and I was a mess because of not being there for my boyfriend of 4 years (and husband now).
But overall she puts my family down, me down, and my other friends down. She is just a really really negative person. And not even just negative shes a very jealous girl as well. I told her we were building a house next door to my parents house (we have a family business) and first of all she didn't even respond to that part of the conversation. She completely avoided that I had even told her and talked about something completely different. A couple weeks later she was like "ha wow you won the jackpot for being a daughter of your family" or when I get a car she says "Ha wow jealous isn't that an expensive car?" No congratulations no I am happy for you nothing.
With my family she puts my husband down she puts my mom down. This didn't really start until I started working with her so I didn't want to cause conflicts at work so I just did what I always did I brushed it off. However, I didn't mention before but I ended up quitting the job because of my severe migraines to find out that the building had black mold in it which is what was the cause. I have now been migraine free for over a year.
In recent months I have finally gone off on her (I HATE conflict I know that's bad but I have a really hard time with it because of anxiety). The first time I went off on her was later on when I had my migraines she was just pushing and pushing and pushing about what a terrible worker I was (maybe your just not cut out for a 40 hour a week job, etc). And she then apologized. The second time I went off on her was when she blamed our friendship on me (because we don't hang out as much anymore). I told her it takes 2 people and to be honest we don't click with your future husband and it's awkward sometimes because he wont even say hello to us. The third time was when she asked me to be her MOH in her wedding and I didn't want to be. I told her I didn't want the responsibility and I didn't think I would be a good MOH. However, she ended up crying and wanted me to be there by her side and I agreed.
So here I am. You may be wondering "Well what's the problem?" the problem is on the outside she doesn't come across as mean at all. She is bubbly and she has done good things for me in the past to help me. It would also hurt her VERY much. But I am to the point now where I avoid her calls, texts, and im about to be her MOH in her wedding a few short weeks and I cannot ruin her day. I won't ruin her special day. I still care about her as a person I just can't be around her much anymore. It's like I have to walk on egg shells around her and constantly be in defense mode because she always has something to say. She just isn't a good friend and I've realized that through meeting good friends and actually realizing what a good friend LOOKS like.
My question to you all is... how do I break the ties??? Its going to hurt her I hate hurting people but my husband and I both don't want EITHER of them in our lives anymore. It isn't a give her another chance time now because we have already had 3 big fights... its a more of a question of how I can end the friendship on good terms? We live in a small town we have a lot of the same friends... its difficult... please help I've lost a lot of sleep over this and I want to do it the right way.