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Everybody goes through the grief process in different ways. If it were me,

I would have my sister call my brother herself and say what she's told you,

that she would rather celebrate your Mom's life and not her death. "Leave

me out of the yearly calls" is a little harsh, I think. Maybe your brother is

somewhere down deep thinking if he brings it up and shows how upset he is,

that that will prove his love for your mother. Or something.



The way you are handling it for YOU sounds pretty good, but maybe

someone needs to suggest counseling for your brother. Is he included

in your sister's celebration of your mom's bday? Does he even want to

be?



Or maybe your sister should use an answering machine and screen calls,

and not respond to the ones from your brother that upset her!

Don't see any other insight into this other than both your brother and sister need to try and respect one anothers views, easier said than done where families are involved.

I assume your sister has already asked him herself not to ring her on this date,

as a last resort if I were your sister I'd buy an answerphone and leave it switched on around that time.

Since this conversation would be hard to have (between siblings) maybe sis could write a letter, explaining everything and why she feels the way she does. Possibly, he could do the same.

Had another thought... maybe your sister could compromise? Say, in lieu

of the phone calls, celebrate your mom's life on her bday and then on

the date of her death, a nice quiet visit to place flowers on her grave, and

some hugs among siblings? Lunch afterwards?



I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on your sister, I do indeed understand

what it must be like for her. These things are tough on everyone,

regardless!

Oooo Devi she stole my idea, BTW Devi Nice to see you

Far this sure hits home from when the ex lost his father. His brother was the mourner, and got into a real downward spiral when he was reminded of the passing of dear old Dad. The ex was a rock and showed stoic resolve. The 2 brothers clashed madly over this. One saying his way of mourning was right and the other fighting back and saying the opposite. It was tough on my ex sis in law and I. At the funeral we all bawled like babies while my ex stood emotionless.

Well later on in life the ex's mental health fell apart because he did not "address" his fathers passing properly.

I mention this because really there is no proper way to "celebrate" anyones passing it is personal choice.

I, like Devi would have suggested your sis send a letter to your brother, or if it is geographically possible, the 3 of you siblings sit down and have a discussion on how you want to "celebrate" your mothers passing and respect each others wishes.

You are all unique in your feelings and each one has to know that and respect the others choices. Because if not it is only going to fester.

Good luck

Far Rider wrote: Wow, all good insights things I didnt see, some family dynamics are in order to help you understand why Sis calls me. In our family growing up there was a complete order of things, the chain of command was clearly established and Brother was at the top, hes still directing the family in this matter since my father refuses to address the issue.

I don't think she feels she has the right to step up and jump the chain of command, which I do not agree with, so she's making an appeal to a neutral party, me.

I think your all right, she needs to call or write and express her feelings. She's 36, with children of her own, not a kid under brothers care anymore.

I think the fact that we all seperate and remember Mom in our own way is part of the problem too, When we all get together no one brings her up. We all celebrate her life differently. Maybe a remembrance occasion is in order?

Thanks Guys!

More to think on now!


Nice Idea Far. I dont know if you all live close or not but a private (siblings only) gathering at a special place your mom liked to go to would be a nice tribute. I know my ex sis in law has family members who do this at their fathers gavesite, but that is tough on some.

And good lord "mom" should be talked about. Rememberd, and kept alive in spirit. Among her surviving family members

My dad passed away nearly 11 years ago now, we three siblings never bought him up at our meetings in the early years. Now we are all much more at ease and don't have any set time for remembering (apart from the time of year for one of us to put the memorium in the local paper), we all bring his name into any conversation with ease and remember him with great fondness. Time does help, but as some have already said we all deal with grief differently and some take longer than others.

My ex father in law was a cracker, a real wing nut, a bit of a social oddity in an innocent and harmless way but we all talk most fondly about him and we miss him. And it is comforting to know he is in my kids hearts even though they are now very removed from their fathers side of the family They still have stories of grandpa. (i think when granny goes that won't happen oooo did I say that bad me)

My brother died on July 5th -1988 - Every year we call each other on that day and share a funny story and a laugh.I was 16 years old when he died and I honestly don't think I came to relaize what loosing a brother was until 3 years later.Selfish-? I don't know..I think I had such a big family and with me being the baby and half of them out of the house before I was born - I didn't want to realize it..But now with out the funny times as we call it, around his death I wouldn't know as much about him...I know I would have loved to be a closer age to him then I was - so I could have the memories...But then again we are a different family...



My brother can not stand to discuss my fathers death- as we have a lot of guilt for taking him of life support...I know - we shouldn't feel that way - but we both do and can not change it..Anyway- He is the one who doesn't want to do anything that has to do with dad- and we have discussed it and have chosen to leave it a quiet subject when he is around..I would just say- point blank.. "Please leave me out of the phone calls.." If he has issues - he will have to learn to understand...but to me also - it sounds as if he needs to talk to someone..It does help.

devist8me wrote: Since this conversation would be hard to have (between siblings) maybe sis could write a letter, explaining everything and why she feels the way she does. Possibly, he could do the same.


Writing a letter, good idea!

Writing a letter is how I have to handle the sensitive emotions between Myself & My Ex- sister & My Folks. (There are so many problems between us all) When you write a letter, you have time to fully think out your words before you say them. And then after re-reading the words, if they are not exactally the real point you were trying to get across, you can then change them before they are said out loud. Thus, avoiding really hurting loved ones, unlike if you were talking and emotionally blurted out that something that you later wished you could take back.

It may be worth a try, It works for me!