ForumGarden

leave a joke or a riddle and make me smile.

Remember there might be little eyes reading this.Keep it clean please.





Did you hear about the new day after pill for men?



It changes their blood type!

For some strange reason that just cracked me up!

Man, I'm thick! It took me 3 reads before I got it.

A drunk walks into a bar and says "Bartender! Gimme a beer, buy the house a round and get yourself one, too!"

The bartender does as he's asked, and downs a cold one then goes to the drunk and says, "Sir, that will be $18.75."

The drunk pats his pockets, looking puzzled, and says, "But I don't have any money..."

The bartender is livid, and grabs the drunk by the scruff of the neck and the seat of his pants and WHOOOSH...out the door.



Next day, the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "Bartender! Gimme a drink, get one for the house and pour yourself one too!"

The bartender thinks..."No WAY he'll do this to me 2 days in a row..." and proceeds to pour the drinks, sucking one down himself.

"Sir, that round will be $24.50"

The drunk pats his pockets, looking confused and says, "But I don't have any money..."

Yet again, the bartender grabs him up and tosses him out the door.

Next day, sure enough, here comes the drunk, sits down at the bar and says, "Bartender!! Gimme a drink, get one for the house, but nothing for you, cuz you get rowdy when you drink!!"

A guy comes into a bar and bets the bartender a free drink that he can bite his right eye.

The bartender thinks, "I'd like to see that" so he agrees.

The man pulls out his glass eye and bites it, then puts it back in.

Then he goes around the bar playing that gag on the other patrons.

Later, he comes back and tells the bartender, "Another free drink that I can bite my left eye!" The bartender figures, 'He can't be blind, he got in here" so he agrees.

The guy takes out his dentures and bites his left eye.

Again he goes around the bar playing his new trick. finally, he comes back to the bartender adn tells him, "I feel bad about getting two drinks off you for free, I'll make it up to you, how about I bet you I can stand on one end of this bar and pee and fill up a shot glass at the other end?"

The bartender looks at the other end of the 30 foot bar and laughs, "You're on!"

The guy steps up and tries, but ends up peeing all over the bar and the bartender.

"Looks like you lost your money on that one!" says the bartender.

'Yeah, it's a good thing I bet everyone else in the bar that you would let me pee on you and you'd do nothing."

A very depressed-looking man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, gimme 4 shots of Jack Daniels, please."

The bartender is surprised, but pours the shots, and the man proceeds to down them all, one after the other.

"Damn!", says the bartender, "what's so wrong that you pound down 4 shots of Jack like that??!"

The man says, "If you had what I have, you'd do the same thing."

A little nervous about his close proximity, the bartender backs up a little and says, "Why...what do you have?"

The man says, "37 cents."

A rich Texas oil man was watching a rig fire destroy thousands of dollars of oil a minute. He tried calling Red Adair, the famous oil-rig firefighter, but after trying to smother the fire and blow it out, the firefighter had to report that he couldn't stop the blaze.

Just then, Pedro, one of the Texan's hired hands said, "Senor, I can put out that fire for $50,000 dollars."

The Texan replied, "Pedro, Red Adair here is the best in the business and he couldn't put it out, what makes you think that you can?"

Pedro smiled and replied, "Senor, I have a lot of friends."

Later, the Texan and Red Adair were watching the fire through binoculars when they saw an old, beat-up pickup truck come over the rise of a hill overlooking the rig fire. The pickup was literally covered with people in the back, front, and on the roof.

"Hey! There's Pedro and his friends!" said the Texan." Hey! They're heading down the hill! Straight at the rig!

There was the sound of dozens of people screaming and yelling and waving their arms, then the truck crashed into the rig, toppling it over. The truck was on fire and the people were on fire. They were throwing sand on the truck and themselves and the rig and yelling the whole time at the top of their lungs.

Finally, the fire was out. One of the blackened figures on the ground near the rig, picked itself up and staggered over to the Texan.

"Senor...the fire is out. Where's my money?" said Pedro.

The Texan was astounded. "Pedro! That was the bravest thing I ever saw! here's your money! You deserve every penny! Now, $50,000 is a lot of money, what do you intend to do with it?'

"Well....Senor...the first thing I'm gonna do... is...

FIX THE FREAKIN' BRAKES ON THAT TRUCK, I ALMOST GOT KILLED!!"

:-3

this joke doesn't actually have any sex in it, unless you have a dirty mind.

(Read to the tune of "Dragnet")

Dum de dum dumm

My name is Friday

I work on Tuesday

Tuesday is my secretary.

Last Wednesday,

We were going to a party

at Thursday's house

when we had a flat tire.

So I pumped

and she pumped,

then we fixed the flat.

When we got to the party,

everyone was feeling merry.

But Merry got mad and left.

so we all jumped for joy.

But Joy got mad and left too.

then they rolled out a cake,

and a naked lady jumped out.

So we all had a piece,

then we had some cake.

On the way home,

I was admiring Tuesday's

beautiful brown hair,

but she crossed her legs,

and broke my glasses.

Then a kid threw a rock

through the window,

it hit Tuesday's breast,

and broke three of my fingers.

When we got home,

Tueday's father didn't like me,

so he told me to beat it,

so I beat it,

then I left.

dum de dum dum!

I think I memorized that one in the 5th grade!

Three guys get stranded on an island of natives and are captured and taken to the Chief.

The Chief walks up to the first guy and says, "I'm going to skin you, kill you and use your hide for my canoe, but you get one last wish." The guy think for a minute and says, "Give me a gun." The Chief gives him a gun and the guy blows his brains out.

The Chief walks up the the second guys and says, "I'm going to skin you, kill you and use your hide for my canoe, but you get one last wish." The second guy thinks for a minute and says, "Give me a knife." The Chief gives him a knife and the second guy slits his own throat.

The Chief walks up to the third guy and says, "I'm going to skin you, kill you and use your hide for my canoe but you get one last wish." The third guy thinks and says, "Give me a fork." The Chief hands him a fork and the guy stabs himself all over with the fork and says, "F**k your canoe."

(I hope that wasn't too randy for the little eyes)

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on

nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those

conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks

than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills

you.

I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes - thanks Carla.

This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100 legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.



He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"



But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"



But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?”



Scroll down!!!!!!!!!!!!!





















A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damn shoes."

WHY SOME MEN DO NOT MAKE GOOD SECRETARIES...



Husband's note on the fridge to his wife:



Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal.

HONEY, I didn't know you liked beer.

Thanks guys! I definately appreciate good humor, and carla , I LOVED the centipede joke, that ones going to work with me.

This is a true story (supposedly)

This guy walks into drug store and asks for condoms, pharmacist replies, what size they come in packages of 3 - 6- or 9 . And the young man replies definately the 9, I have been dating this girl for awhile and she is sooooooo hot, and we are having dinner with her parents tonight, I think after dinner , it will be THE night, if you know what I mean. So the pharmacist gives the gentleman the purchase of 9 condoms and the guy leaves.

Later that night he is at his girlfriends house around the table and asks if he may lead in saying grace, so he does , but he keeps going on and on and on, eventually his girlfriend leans over and says honey, I didnt know you were so religous, he leaned over and said I didnt know your dad was the town pharmacist.

Teacher in a Biology class says:



Class we're going to do an experiment on a Frog today, so gather around this Frog on the floor here.

Teacher yells jump at the Frog & the Frog jumps 4 feet.

Teacher then cuts one of the Frogs legs off, then yells jump & it jumps 3 feet.

Teacher then cuts another Frog's leg off, then yells jump & it jumps 2 feet.

Teacher then cuts another Frog's leg off, then yells jump, & it jumps 1 foot.

Teacher then cuts Frog's last leg off, then yells jump, & the Frog doesn't move.

Teacher yells jump again, & still Frog doesn't move.

Teacher says to class, so our experiment today has concluded that when you cut off all of the Frog's legs,

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> IT GOES DEAF!!

This man walks into a bar - and in his hand he has a little small guy playing the piano...The bartender says.."WOW - where did u get that?"



The man replies--"there is a Genie outside that is granting wishes.."



The bartender says - Cool and out the door he goes.....



A couple minutes later the bartender walks back in....and following him is a bunch of DUCKS!

-The bartender stops and says - "that genie is an idiot! I wished for 1000$ bucks and look what he did?"



The man says...............READY?



**DO you think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST???**:-6

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY!

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.



THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?



COME ON.... GUESS!



OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON, bet you can't guess!

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>



SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.



She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

Hey guys, do you know the difference between your mistress, your girlfriend and your wife?



Your mistress says, "Aren't you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "You're done already??"

And your wife says, "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

:yh_dance Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

BabyRider wrote: Hey guys, do you know the difference between your mistress, your girlfriend and your wife?



Your mistress says, "Aren't you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "You're done already??"

And your wife says, "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."


I thought the wife said: What again, you just did it last month!!! :wah:

- ok heard this one today,



There was this blonde women and this guy sitting at the bar watching the late night news, and the blonde said I bet you another beer I know what that persons going to do, and the guy says , yeah, your on, so the blonde sits back and acts like shes meditating and says the women on tv is going to jump off that building, and sure enough, she jumps. The guy is so overwhelmed, he says , what you have esp? A family gift ? How did you know that? She said naw, I saw it on the 6 oclock news, but WOW, I didnt think she would jump twice.

(Please if you are blonde do not be offended)