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I was just checking messages on my phone that I hadn't checked since this weekend...Well there was a very nasty message on it that was left by accident. My sister in law had called and must have forgotten to hang up the phone while she bashed me to her mother..and I mean the F word was being thrown around like a BAD BAD BAD habit...I have never in my life heard her say anything bad about me-in fact she acted like everything was great when we met up with them later...Do I confront the hubby or do I resend the message back to her phone with out saying anything...let her listen to what was said...and she if she responds...As some of you know- I had a bad relationship with my X inlaws so I really love being so close to my new ones..but I guess I am not as close..as I thought....What to do??

Wow that's a tough one. I'd check with the husband first...maybe he knows something you don't. If he doesn't, sure, send the message right back to her. No sense in hiding the fact that you know how she feels. You'll have to work it out sometime.

mominiowa wrote: I was just checking messages on my phone that I hadn't checked since this weekend...Well there was a very nasty message on it that was left by accident. My sister in law had called and must have forgotten to hang up the phone while she bashed me to her mother..and I mean the F word was being thrown around like a BAD BAD BAD habit...I have never in my life heard her say anything bad about me-in fact she acted like everything was great when we met up with them later...Do I confront the hubby or do I resend the message back to her phone with out saying anything...let her listen to what was said...and she if she responds...As some of you know- I had a bad relationship with my X inlaws so I really love being so close to my new ones..but I guess I am not as close..as I thought....What to do??


Hunny I would take your sis in law aside tell her that she should be more careful with the telephone and answering machines that conversations have been recorded and she comes across as being not very nice.

And keep it strictly between you and her and keep it brief until she elaborates or asks more about it.

Are you sure she "forgot" to hang up the phone? I wonder if she was being passive aggressive.

minks wrote: Hunny I would take your sis in law aside tell her that she should be more careful with the telephone and answering machines that conversations have been recorded and she comes across as being not very nice.

And keep it strictly between you and her and keep it brief until she elaborates or asks more about it.Here's a big opportunity for you to be gracious and score big points. Don't take too seriously things people say unguardedly. People may hold all kinds of negative, paranoid thoughts about you, which if proved wrong by your kindness and graciousness, will evaporate quickly and leave them respecting and liking you more.

If you bring it up to her at all, be very cautious. But it might be better not to say anything rather than confront her with her careless words. This isn't "conflict avoidance," because there probably is no real conflict. This is patient diplomacy.

minks wrote: Hunny I would take your sis in law aside tell her that she should be more careful with the telephone and answering machines that conversations have been recorded and she comes across as being not very nice.

And keep it strictly between you and her and keep it brief until she elaborates or asks more about it.


Agreed. One on one .

Oh, Mom....I know exactly what you are going through. My mom answered her phone one day to hear my step-sister's voice bashing and degrading her (my mother) to someone. Apparently, my step-sister, (Julie) had accidentally hit her cell phone, which was in her purse, and it dialed my mother's house. She didn't realize that my mom could hear everything that was being said, and she sat there, for 45 minutes, listening to what this bitch was saying about my mom, to a large group of her co-workers. This was not a woman sitting down with a good friend and griping, this was an all-out attack on my mother, bashing and slandering to about 10 other people. She tore down her own husband and said vile, horrible things about my mom.

When my mom was finally able to disconnect, she immeditaely called Julie's office, got her voice mail, and said, "I just thought you'd like to know, your cell phone was on while you were having that free-for-all to your co-workers, and I heard every word."

What's really f**ked up? My mom and step-dad have been together since before Julie and I were in high school, (over 20 years) and all this time, my mom has been nothing but kind to Julie, and Julie never gave a hint that anything was ever wrong. The lying ****.

My mom and step-dad had a long sit-down with Julie and her husband and my mom even brought out what this bitch said about her own husband. She wanted it ALL out there. She also made sure she understood that she would have to deal with me, because she had told me all about it. I didn't speak to Julie for 6 months, even though we were at a lot of family gatherings together. When she finally tried to break the ice with me, and said some innane thing to me, I looked her square in the eye and said, "I have nothing to say to you. You're a liar, and you're hateful and I want nothing to do with you."

People need to be held accountable for their actions. To sweep this away and pretend it didn't happen will only cause resentment. Confront it, make her realize you heard it all. You deserve an apology at the very least, and are entitled to an explanation.

Thanks guys..MY head is just spinning...the thing that really bothers me is her mother does not cuss at all and to hear her saying that in such a manner in front of her mom.. - along with "mom, put the damn ice cream away:-3 " -if my kids would say anything like that at any age I would be saying.....HELLO? it makes me think she is a control freak or something...Just one sentence out of the conversation was---"F*** them,(my kids), and F**** her. F*** them all. I hate them. He should have never married her (she use to spend a lot of time with my hubby before we were married and she is younger then him by many years) I think its a jealousy thing..but we are talking about a girl who is moving in with us to go to college here....This really needs to be confronted...or I will be very resentful to her and I don't want that under my roof.

mominiowa wrote: but we are talking about a girl who is moving in with us to go to college here....This really needs to be confronted...or I will be very resentful to her and I don't want that under my roof.


If this is the case it needs to be cleared up ASAP. You don't speak like that about relatives who are trying to help you out. I hope she apologizes to you, you deserve better if you're going to be nice enough to take her in!

It is kind of a 2 way street with me, hopefully having my stem cell transplant -if things work out....but in the message it also said she hates the kids too...I really hope she was angry because she had agreed to help with the kids while I was in the hospital..Makes me so sick to think about it..I just want to tell her the deals off and have my family chime in when its time..because my kids are my world and I don't want any one mistreating them.....GAWD!!!!

There is something to consider, mom: while my mother was glad she confronted Julie about her venemous outburst, things will NEVER be the same, among any of us. The words that were said can never be taken back, and it will affect how my mother deals with Julie and how I deal with her, forever. It made my mother realize that she'd been living a lie, thinking that she was getting along so well with her husband's children for all these years, only to find out Julie's REAL opinion was vastly different from what my mom was led to believe.

This happened over 2 years ago, and things are still weird. I still refuse to acknowledge Julie, and I doubt I will ever change that. She hurt my mom, and in my book, that is unforgiveable.

BabyRider wrote: People need to be held accountable for their actions. To sweep this away and pretend it didn't happen will only cause resentment. Confront it, make her realize you heard it all. You deserve an apology at the very least, and are entitled to an explanation.


Dang I like BR. That's my opinion too. Be polite, be firm, be in control...but get an answer. You need to find out why she is carrying such a grudge.

Maybe you could start it with, "I know that you are harboring some resentment for something I said or did, I'd like to find out what it was so that we can get back to the way we were."

Try very hard not to raise your voice or lose control of your emotions. if she has a real gripe, you may be the one apologizing! if it's just a misunderstanding, you may be able to clear it up!

Here's an example: One day at my old school, I was told that an unknown student was smearing feces on the walls in the bathroom. We were told to announce to the students that we needed to know who was doing this. (It's a sign of molestation).

I was taking roll, when I suddenly remembered to say something. So I announced it to the class. Then I resumed taking roll.

Now.. the boy who's name I had just called before the announcement, went straight home and told his mother that I had implied that he was the one doing that!

She came blazing down to have me hanged and burned at the stake, not necessarily in that order. I was seriously confused as I sat down at the conference, not understanding at all why she ws angry. I thought I had a great relationship with the boy.

When they told me why they were here, I burst out laughing! i was so relieved! It was just a big misunderstanding. After they saw my reaction, and heard my explanation we all left feeling better and a little sheepish.

Another time, I overheard a little girl talking about smoking crack the night before. Being a stupid teacher (new) I thought it was my responsibility to inform the parents, because after all, if it was my kid, I'd want to know!

They went straight to the school board and called me every name in the book! They wanted me fired on the spot! I told them that I would agree to resign if they would agree to have her tested that day.

Lucky for me, she came back positive. (I never did get an apology)

So I really believe that any kind of thing like this needs to be worked out.

mominiowa wrote: I was just checking messages on my phone that I hadn't checked since this weekend...Well there was a very nasty message on it that was left by accident. My sister in law had called and must have forgotten to hang up the phone while she bashed me to her mother..and I mean the F word was being thrown around like a BAD BAD BAD habit...I have never in my life heard her say anything bad about me-in fact she acted like everything was great when we met up with them later...Do I confront the hubby or do I resend the message back to her phone with out saying anything...let her listen to what was said...and she if she responds...As some of you know- I had a bad relationship with my X inlaws so I really love being so close to my new ones..but I guess I am not as close..as I thought....What to do??


Me? I'd tell my husband. I don't keep secrets from him to begin with..it has nothing to do with 'handling my own stuff' it just has to do with openess. I certainly wouldn't keep anything from him that involves his own family regardless of who it's directed at. And I would take my lead from him. Sure I would let her know in no uncertain terms that she was nasty, rude and hurtful and that I was really pissed about it, but regardless of how long you're married, it's still his blood and your in laws. He may know something you don't. And she isn't just moving under your roof...with your kids...both are his also.

Wow, that sucks. Been there, done that and no, I don't suggest you just let it go.

Nip it now.

I would also keep a copy of the tape incase its gets ugly and you need to prove she really made those comments - good luck

do you know what her issues with you were or could you really just hear the F word and a bit of background noise.....



i think id talk to your hubby abuot it definitely because youll probably find it a bit wierd going round there etc and hell be wondering whats up and you definitely dont want to cause any strain in the relationship....



based on what he says see what you do, you can always play him the message (in fact id do that without question) then the pair of you maybe go and talk to her and find out what the problem is...



did the mother stick up for you, agree with the sister or just remain quiet?

I think you definitely need to talk to her about it. It will do no good to let it fester. I'd probably tell my hubby too, because there's probably bound to be some weirdness, and you don't want him to think that you've caused the problem.

But make sure you get the emotional stuff out first. Don't bottle it all up and explode at her. Much better to deal with the hurt, and then you can confront her in a more rational frame of mind. If there are real issues there, you will only be able to deal with them if you can have a frank and open conversation.

Good luck!