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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded

friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have

another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going

to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over

and falls in.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him

to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,

smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his

mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a

drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is

sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The monkey looks down and says "WHOAAA, DUDE....... how much water

did you drink?"

Clint wrote: A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded

friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have

another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going

to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over

and falls in.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him

to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,

smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his

mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a

drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is

sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The monkey looks down and says "WHOAAA, DUDE....... how much water

did you drink?"


HAHAHAHAHA and clean too

Thanks for the much needed laugh!!!



:wah: :wah:

Good one clint :wah:

Good One!!!

This is just what I need tonight ...a dam good laugh...try these...



Why do polar bears have fur coats?

Because they would look silly in anoraks!



Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. “Listen to this,” she said. “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.” “Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?” “Absolutely not,” he said. “How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.” “Season’s more than half over,” he said.





The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught,

Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play

Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and

Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

Of a language where a house can burn up as

It burns down

And in which you fill in a form

By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers

And it reflects the creativity of the human race

(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why

When the stars are out they are visible

But when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch

It starts

But when I wind up this observation,

It ends.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Bob, I just heard

on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"



"Heck," said Bob, "It's not just one car. It's

hundreds of them!"

-thank you!

Keep 'um coming.......

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the

dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.



The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."



A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." She says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

I wonder if the officer was Lady Cop

Who Said That?

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades

and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of

this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can

leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and

will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep

their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

THE DANGERS OF SWITCHING JOBS

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him

something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a

bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate

glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,

then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the

daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't

realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at

all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the

last 25 years."

Lotto

http://com3.runboard.com/bdeeppurplefan ... purple.t42

MagicZ4941A

PS why did Deep Purple cross the road?

They heard a stormbringer was comming

(Re-located from another post in joke sect)

A BULL Story!!

There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, and they inherit the

family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in

financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the

ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so

that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul

it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides

she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no

less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a

telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and

says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've

bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our

pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then

adds, "it's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the

brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send

her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

"I want you to Send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you

want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to

haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

"comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's really big.

>

>

>

>

>

>

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul.

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim..... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do; it's one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening,

I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall

asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly Thursday Feb. 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed down his throat, with only 2 inches of grip showing.. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally swallowed it, and died.

Good one Clint!!:wah: :yh_rotfl

Tower to Aircraft

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

* ************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

** ************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to

locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last knownposition?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

** *************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after

touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

** **************************

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because

his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". AirTraffic Control

told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine

shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

** ***************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the

DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have

enough parts for another one."

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

A FROG GOES INTO A BANK

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)







(its a real treat)







(wait for it)







The bank manager looks back at her and says .......

"It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Here goes nothing:



Little Tommy comes home from school one day, and goes to his father for some homework help. Tommy's homework was to find the difference between potentially and realistically.



After some thought, Dad asks Tommy to go ask his Mom if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars. Tommy reports back, "Yes, she said she would."



"Good," replies Dad. "Now go ask your older sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars."



Tommy returns again to his Dad, "Yes, she said she would."



Tommy then asks, "So what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"



Dad answers, "Well the difference is, Potentially we are sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we are living with a couple of wh*res."

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

...I like this one Cars...

pina wrote: ...I like this one Cars...


Glad you liked it pina, here's another one.

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a

short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their

sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a

postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex

felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the

wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at

first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased

for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the

wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to

go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the

Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again

slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom

waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still

nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British

Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,

flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found

the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven

days a week" Mom fainted.

A very successful Birmingham lawyer parked his brand

new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his

colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the

curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed

911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled

up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the

lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just

picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be

the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the

cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how

materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your

possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Man, don't you even realize that

your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit

you!!!"

"OH NO!" screamed the lawyer.

(scroll down)

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"WHERE'S MY ROLEX?

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,

a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order

spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and then

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom

mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love

you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you

ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.25

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

cars wrote: Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces

himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,

a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order

spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and then

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom

mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love

you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you

ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.25

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
:yh_rotfl A smart drunk. This guy is a rare find for sure.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates

and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.



On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful

dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and

feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and

deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the

curtain rods.



She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss

for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam

cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to

move.



A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they

could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to

purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.



Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on

price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if

she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they

watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

TEN AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear and everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." She said.

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde. They bring up the first woman, the brunette and the guard asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the guard shouts..... Ready.....Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE". Everyone looks behind them and she runs off. So they bring up the redhead and ask if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard shouts....Ready...Aim....!! and suddenly she yells....."TORNADO" and everybody turns around and she runs off. Well, by then, the blonde had it figured out what to do. So they bring her up and she is asked if she has any last requests. She says no, so the guard turns and yells......Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yells, "FIRE".

(Ok,, it could have been men,, I just couldn't be bothered to change the thing)

I love this thread....not sure if I've done this one but here goes.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

pina wrote: I love this thread....not sure if I've done this one but here goes.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


LMAOROF :yh_rotfl

Hey Cars I think we both have the same sense of humour, keep posting and making me laugh and I'll do the same. :wah::wah:

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturb*ting."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"





The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

cars wrote: A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturb*ting."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"



The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."






Thats wierd I just had that one ready to post. Have you been sneaking a look into my e.mails thats the second one the same as I have in my inbox. I`ll have to look for another one now. :wah:

THE RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says,

"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,

turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,

turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?

What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(OK, here it is)

It says,









"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

adds permanent wave."

A few short funnies:



1) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I

realized that the Lord didn't work that way, so I stole one an asked

him to forgive me. (Sorry Clint)

2) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't seem to get my

wife to go swimming.

3) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd

better have a good hand.

4) I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor

said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

ONLY IN BRITAIN!

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

- do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

- do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

- do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

- do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

- do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

- are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

in 1997 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet!

This one is from Kingman Arizona:

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

Most Senior Citizens Are The Nation's Leading Carriers Of Aids!

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Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Rol Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All, Monetary Aid To Their Kids!

:D

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited

about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the

wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes

for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Great!! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry"

:wah: :wah:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started! :wah:

cars wrote: With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in and then the trouble started! :wah:
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl That's funny. :wah:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight

around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to

place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the

dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and

froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his

head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,

then clicked the light back on and began searching for more

valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,

clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking

for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his

flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...



"Did you say that he hissed at the parrot?



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you!"



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"



The bird promptly answered,

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"Probably the same kind of crazy people that would name a 160 pound Rottweiler Jesus."

The high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. The first coach to sleep with Daryl and came to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Daryl snored so loud, I watched him all night." The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, the same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn Frank was a big burly ex-football player looking type of man's man. Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. Good morning. " They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight..... he watched me all night long."

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."

PRESCRIPTION

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail, and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.".

A joke from the newbie. ready??...

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if

I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the

lottery."



Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder,

saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving.

Please just let me win this once."



Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God

speak.



"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

Nikki_Jayne wrote: A joke from the newbie. ready??...

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if

I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the

lottery."



Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder,

saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving.

Please just let me win this once."



Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God

speak.



"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."


:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl (Welcome newbie Nikki!)