How do you teach your kids about relationships?

[LilacDragon]

In this day and age of the media and government butting into our personal lives and telling us how to raise our kids, I was wondering how some of the people here taught their children about relationships.

According to the media, we should not argue in front of our children, nor should we show our partners too much affection.

Does anyone else have a problem with this?

Yes, my DH and I argue in front of the children. Sometimes it is rather loud even. When the arguement is over, we apologize in front of the children and kiss and make up even. (Of course, the serious making up is NOT done in front of the children!)

IMHO - children need to see that an arguement or disagreement does NOT mean that the relationship is in danger or over and that people who love each other can argue about things.

As for affection - there is much kissing and passing butt patting that goes on in my house. I think my children should see that a couple that loves each other doesn't have to hide in a dark room.

[Jives]

I taught my son about relationships by modeling a parallel relationship. When he was young I showed him that I always kissed his mother goodbye, took great care to think of each other's feelings, that we shared all responsibilites on a sliding scale.

That is to say, the things that one person was good at were their responsibilities, the things that the other was good at were their responsibilities, and if there was a decision that was to be made and one partner really felt strongly about, the other partner was willing to give away that power, knowing that the favor would be returned later.

Here are the possible relationships:

1. A Complementary Relationships exists when the distribution of power is unequal. One partner says, "Let's go dancing tonight." and the other says, "fine." The boss asks several employees to stay late and they agree to. In complementary situations like these, one party exercises control and the other is willing to go along. As long as both parties are comfortable with their roles, a complementary relationship can be stable. Problems are guaranteed, however, if both parties struggle to maintain a "one-up" position. There are even situations where both partners try to maintain a "one-down" position. (believe it or not)

For example:

"Where do you want to go tonight?"

"I don't care, whatever you want."

"I don't care either"

You can see how this struggle to avoid responsibility could go on and on, resulting in aggravation for both partners.

2. A Symmetrical Realtionship exists when partners seek the same degree of control. Although symmetry sounds like the best approach, it's not practical. On trivial issues like "What are we eating for dinner?" or "Should we buy yellow or green tennis balls?" equal decision making isn't worth the effort.

On major issues like "Should we move to a new city?" or "How many children should we have?" it may not even be possible to share the power equally. Then will come major disagreement and trouble. Despite it's impracticality, a symmetrical relationship is still the goal of many "modern" couples who object to the power structure of traditional marriages.

3. Unlike the lopsidedness of complementary relationships, and the total equality of symmetrical ones, a Parallel Relationship handles power in a much more fluid way. Partners shift between one-up and one-down roles, so that each person leads in some areas, and shares power equally in many others.

For example, I handle decisions about car repairs, lawn care, medical decisons, and household upgrades. My wife handles decisions about menu planning, home decorating, financial decisions, and takes the spotlight at parties with our friends.

When a decision is very important to one partner, the other willingly gives in, knowing the favor will be returned later. When issues are very important to both partners, for example college education decisions, power is shared equally. When an impasse occurs, (and they do!) each will make concessions in a way that keeps the overall balance of power equal.

Both partners work together to develop a solution that makes sense to everyone.

(My wife and I just got through a tough decision on whether or not to buy a pool table, and where it should go, along with how we would rearange the furniture to both fit the table and still maintain the beauty of our house.)

(Jives sits back and looks at his work)

Well...that's some of the best writing I've done in a while. I hope it helps someone.

[LilacDragon]

So, Jives, having said all of that (and it was great, btw), do you argue in front of the children and do you show each other affection in front of the children?

[Bez]

Very eloquently said Jives...I agree.

Everyone argues and provided there is no bad language or physical abuse...that's fine.... if kids see there is a 'making up processs', that's good too. These are all things that they will experience in life and shouldn't be shielded from . I guess the main thing is that they learn to respect the fact that everyone has an opinion and sometimes differences of opinion can lead to arguments...all differences can be resloved in some way....sometimes one person is right, sometimes wrong in which case apologies and making up is the order of the day. Other situations lead to compromise...kids should learn this as well.

[Bez]

LilacDragon wrote: So, Jives, having said all of that (and it was great, btw), do you argue in front of the children and do you show each other affection in front of the children?


From my point of view...life is real time...arguments happen in front of kids and making up should happen in front of them too...how the hell do they learn what life's all about ??? They just need to know what the boundaries are surely.

[OpenMind]

Everyone to their own ways, but I never ever saw my parents argue. One day, as a young man, I asked my Mum about this. She told me that they always waited until they went to bed. She explained that it prevented an argument from becoming nasty. Also, words can be said in an argument that the children may be affected by, particularly if it was a disagreement over the children. Once spoken, it cannot be withdrawn. Further, it prevented the children from being able to play one parent against the other. Better, she said, to have a civilised discussion than a heated argument. Their love for each other and for the children was always prominent.

I remember as a child, I was always very scared when I heard shouting between my siblings and their spouses. I have done it myself and regretted it because I have seen the terrible look of anxiety on the faces of the children.

Children need to learn to argue civilly. They pick up on the love anyway.

There will always be disagreements, but that doesn't mean that there have to be arguments. Arguments only form because of lack of self control and, quite often, from misunderstandings.

[Jives]

LilacDragon wrote: So, Jives, having said all of that (and it was great, btw),


Thanks! I'm going to incorporate that into my next Comm Skills class!:D

do you argue in front of the children


Sad to say, yes I have before. But something that I'm proud of is that my wife and I cease the second the argument becomes uncivil and heated. When we both feel a great deal of emotion overwhelming us, we retreat to separate rooms and cool down. (My wife actually started this, but I find it helps me too.)

When we can discuss logically again, we talk about it. And of course we always apologize and make-up...in front of the children too.

and do you show each other affection in front of the children?


Most assuredly so! Even though we are both in our late 40's (which has a tendency to make the emotional arguments of youth seem not so important anymore) we still like to hold hands wherever we go. We also kiss each other every time we see each other or leave the house. Lots of hugging and communicating too.

It's really important to let the kids see the adults discussing matters. And not just "How was your day", either. Many of my students have no sense of budgeting or money because their parents hide the bill paying procedures from them and never discuss it.

My parents were the same way, I think my mother was either ashamed or afraid to show us that we were poor. ( Like we couldn't figure it out from the fact that she sewed most of our clothes, we ate a lot of macaroni and cheese, and we had a garden the size of Texas out back that was not for show.) As a result, I've never been very good at handling money. Luckily, Vicki is very good at that!

When we were raising our son, he sat in on every discussion we had concerning the household finances. That way he had a deep understanding of just what it takes to function in an adult world. (He is a wonderful father himself now, perhaps one of our greatest accomplishments.)

This is the love of my life!

Attached files

[Jives]

bump - read the second post for your own peace of mind!