Taking back our lives...

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 3:24 am

I found this site looking for support. I am...seeking...for help and support down a path long needed. Safety. I have found after ten years that I had been controled for those years. Manipulated and abused. The sad part was that I thought that I was the abuser for a long time. When defending myself in a fight that we would have, He ended up with the bruising and I with the guilt. Even when My daughter got shot by him did I deny that there was a problem. He had pointed a gun on my son and I just had "words". We were at a friends house God forbid I make a scene. It was when my son saw him chocking me that I finaly snapped and kicked him out. We have since divorced and I have custudy but he still has a say and is manipulating whenever he can. I have learned how he has been doing it and am amased that I was so blind for so long. I want to take back control and take my kids away from him for good. He is not their biological father. He is all they have known for ten years. This is hard. BR and LC and others...Thank you for your words. I hope to hear more.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sun Aug 14, 2005 10:54 pm

i just saw this post because i was not here for a few days. i have only two comments at this moment...if there was ever a gun involved that is an intolerable situation, does not matter how much time has gone by, it shows dangerous proclivity. and also...if he does not have legal rights vis-a-vis adoption, why does he still have a "say"?? i can help you if you let me. but you will have to take some steps that require courage and fortitude.

Xxena · Post by **Xxena** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:45 pm

The hardest part is admitting there are problems you cannot control or win and if there are kids involved getting out. If you have people like this other poster that is in law enforcement I would get in contact with them for help.. take your kids and leave and not communicate with him or every go back.. its a crime waiting to happen. Guns in the hands of wrong people are what the problem is with them.. I teach self defense for women with firearms but in continual domestic violence situations its the LAST thing you want involved, when tempers flare coupled with drugs or alcohol or uncontrollable violent natures the last thing you want in the equation is any type of weapon. You need to get out and stay out.. he's not the kids father.. he has no rights and no claim and all he's doing is messing up their lives for the future along with yours. Please listen to the nice Lady Cop and get her to find some help for you ! I am a retired paramedic and saw all too much of domestic violence and its outcome on women and their children.. if their are people willing to help you and tell you get out and stay away.. please listen to them ! good luck to you !:-6

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 11:02 pm

I did it. I told. Now we just wait. I am terrified. I am getting US counseling and they are helping me get an attorney. I am very scared. The kids are very supportive. We had a family meeting and even my son understands. He's the youngest.

Thank you both for your comments. I need them very much.

I was even in doubt about going through with it. But I called my daughter and asked her if she really wanted to go through with it. She said yes... I was more worried about my son...but felt that the better the whole...He is supportive.

They need a stupid emoticon with a smile and tears.

After ten years...

Thank you...

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Aug 15, 2005 11:07 pm

if we helped you in the smallest way i am so grateful. i am here for you. if you need help to get through court or anything, i am a victim advocate, i would be so glad to help you. you can do it!! you are strong!! you do have a victim advocate at your court, ask for them please.

Xxena · Post by **Xxena** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:13 am

Good luck to you. The first step is the hardest. Just remember to stay away from him and don't let him talk you into anything that could bring you back and mean more harm. Our thoughts are with you.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:56 am

Even when My daughter got shot by him did I deny that there was a problem. He had pointed a gun on my son and I just had "words".

I am sorry, but I really REALLY have a problem with this. Recently, a 5 year old died when the mother's b/f beat him to death. There were signs that the abuse had happened before. The b/f is now in prison and the mother is on trial because she chose to stay with a person who abused her child. I applaud the decision to make her held accountable in her child's death. Now there is a one year old girl, barely clinging to life, and if she does live, the quality of life will be horrendous for her. Again, signs of previous abuse. I can understand fear, I can understand the way abusers manipulate, but I cannot understand under any circumstances why anyone would let their child be abused.:-5

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:24 am

Peg wrote: I am sorry, but I really REALLY have a problem with this. Recently, a 5 year old died when the mother's b/f beat him to death. There were signs that the abuse had happened before. The b/f is now in prison and the mother is on trial because she chose to stay with a person who abused her child. I applaud the decision to make her held accountable in her child's death. Now there is a one year old girl, barely clinging to life, and if she does live, the quality of life will be horrendous for her. Again, signs of previous abuse. I can understand fear, I can understand the way abusers manipulate, but I cannot understand under any circumstances why anyone would let their child be abused.:-5

Gosh we get into this topic a lot on FG pity it is soooo dam prevalent out there. I wanna just say good on you CCC and don't you dare look back. Seek help in every way you can.

And Peg, I have to comment here It is a control issue, abusers quite literally beat their victims into all sorts of things, they control them to believe they did bad, they threaten them repeatedly so that the abusee can no longer see what really is going on, the abuser dangles the abuseee on a small chain yanking away the good things then teasing them with them again and again only to strike back harder and with more force. Abusee's are made to feel insignificant, weak, worthless and god dam bloody scared. Abusers say things like if you tell anyone I will kill your you or your children, I will take your children away, I will put you and your children to the street etc. Abusees become horribly dependant on the abuser because of the control they hold over them. Peg it is terribly hard to fathom I agree. I can put it in a really lame way, it is like a dog and an owner. Dog only knows his life depends on his owner, sooooo owner can trash the dog all the time but dog knows he has to eat so remains loyal to owner. Sad analogy but true.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:37 am

PS

an abuser will never accpet blame for their actions, they will ALWAYS say to the abusee, "if you weren't such a ***** or *** etc I wouldn't doo this stuff" Or "you did it to me first," as well name calling and calling down the abusee in all kinds of situations gives the abuser more power and feeling of control.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 12:31 pm

Been there, done that. The answer is not staying and leaving the kids there for him to kill. The mother is supposed to protect the child. At least if he killed the child when you were trying to leave, at least you were trying to do something to protect them.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 1:02 pm

Peg wrote: Been there, done that. The answer is not staying and leaving the kids there for him to kill. The mother is supposed to protect the child. At least if he killed the child when you were trying to leave, at least you were trying to do something to protect them.

Ahhh got ya oops may have stepped over my knowledge boundary there my apologies. Just falling back on my training.

Xxena · Post by **Xxena** » Tue Aug 16, 2005 8:33 pm

Peg:

I was there also with my first husband, luckily I decided there was no way I was going to get pregnant and have a child to worry about until I could find a way to get away from the jerkoff... I was 21 to his 34 at the time.. I was young, dumb, naieve and it took the first beating for me to realize what the hell I had gotten myself into and then it was too late. Too often women that get themselves involved with guys like this, myself included were in a place mentally and emotionally where they have/had little to no self esteem much less independence either financially or emotionally to act when they should and as quickly as they should. I'm not going to get deep into my own psychology at that time and the how's and why's... but knowing NOW what I didn't back then I can understand why I did the stupid things I did and why I stayed as long as I did. It took a female boss that saw all the signs as a former victim of domestic violence herself to grab me, shake some sense into me and get me moving..not to mention give me a free place to stay (her extra bedroom), guarantee my job with her so I had income to save and get back on my feet and someone to talk to that really and truly did understand what I had done and was going through... without her I don't know if I would have done it when I did. I was literally petrified of the guy and he kept me so secluded from everyone and everything its amazing to the person I am now and have been for most of my adult life that I even tolerated his crap, but then again.. if I had half the guts and self esteem then as I do now, I never would have dated the pig, much less married him. But that is ancient history. I actually did go to my family and they told me.. You make your bed.. now you must lie in it and if that means he beats you.. well oh well, you married him now you live with what you married. The few close friends I had .. he made sure there was NO communcation with them and me where he could not monitor it continuously.

MINKS description of the abuser fits my ex to a tee... plus he was a closet alcoholic to boot which made it even more difficult since at that time and place he was not allowing it to jeopardize his job and career... after I left him and the ensuing divorce case/trial... that was enough to set him off the deep end and he dove into his bottle and as far as I know never came out...

I'm glad I didn't have kids... heaven knows what I would have done then..

NOW its a very different story... my kids are in their early 20's.. but there is no way in hell anyone would get to them to harm them for any reason, and heaven forbid it be someone I knew, especially family... they'd be Croc snax if I had my way.

Yes I agree that a woman should think of the kids and their safety first and foremost .. no doubt about that BUT.. until we literally walk in someone else's shoes.. even if we've been there, done that with our own situations... we are NOT her in hers and there are probably circumstances we are not aware of and maybe too horrid or painful for her to openly discuss even with the safety and the wall of the internet to hide real identities if people want it that way.

Each and every case I heard about like this... I get goosebumps from it and wonder why... why do these women get themselves into this situation and stay in it, espeically with kids.. why not get the help there is out there ???? Then I realize.. I was the same at my own point in time... and there is NOT always help out there in every place for everyone. To make matters worse... some women do this as learned experience... from mother's living under the same circumstances so they don't know any better and have no one to turn to and if there are NO public resources they can get to easily and without cost.. if they have someone that was as controlling and paranoid as the buttlicker I was married to... I do understand their delimna, I really do. I don't condone it since what I did was just flaming stupid itself.. but I do understand and its NOT my place to condemn them.. if I can help that is what I will and have done with others in the past. Hoping that its early to get them (and kids) out before any more tragedy and maybe they will learn to be strong and self assured enough to move forward on their own and help another woman down the line like they were...

Hopefully this lady made the move in time.. things have happened true and they should not have... but we can't relive the past.. hopefully she will learn from this and her/her kids present and future will be more promising and better choices will be made.

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:15 pm

I have reported it, twice i two days, and I am protecting my kids now.

He does know that CPS was called now and he did make the threats again. Just like Minks said, He did threaten to take the kids away. I said leave and it would be brought up in court. I have not and will not let him in my house. I had also called the police and made a report on this evening. I am listening to what I need to do and doing it.

Thank You All!

If it wasnt for all the "Threads that had been up when I came on to seek help, it probably would not have happened.

Thank You Again.

Xxena · Post by **Xxena** » Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:25 pm

conanscaseclosed wrote: I have reported it, twice i two days, and I am protecting my kids now.

He does know that CPS was called now and he did make the threats again. Just like Minks said, He did threaten to take the kids away. I said leave and it would be brought up in court. I have not and will not let him in my house. I had also called the police and made a report on this evening. I am listening to what I need to do and doing it.

Thank You All!

If it wasnt for all the "Threads that had been up when I came on to seek help, it probably would not have happened.

Thank You Again.

You have to keep telling yourself so you are comfortable with it ... you are good, you do not need any abusive man in your life, you are strong, you are going to set a good example for your kids so they do not fall into the same trap and he cannot take the kids they are NOT his biological children he has no legal rights to them. He is not welcome and cannot come in, next if you can change your phone number and keep it unlisted and report him every time he threatens you or the kids. If you have to go to the local media and report this...you've done everything right to try and protect you and the kids but he won't stop and you're worried he will continue and by law the cops cannot do much UNTIL a crime is committed and you're afraid of that. If it gets public it might be enough to get him to back off if he knows everyone is now aware of it and watching ! Good luck to you.