Beating Domestic violence....

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 5:41 am

Oh man Weeder.. you have hit on such a point. In your case a daughter in law.. In some respects I dreaded the day that my daughter would start dating. But alas, that time came and I dread the possiblity that one of these genetically challenged morons could ever get near to her. I mean we have discussed what is right and wrong in a relationship and I am not by a longshot the perfect role model for that.. but we have talked about it. So hopefully her eyes are open. Of course if a man ever laid a had on her in a violent manner he best leave the country. There are times that the authorites are to be notified .. and other times that it is best they are left in the dark.

But I must say again.. you are an incredible group of ladies.. I am learning alot from this conversation about perservence, strength and character..

be well.. all of you..

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 5:50 am

The thing that drives me crazy is, over the past 25 years, dometic violence laws have come such a long way. Now the problem is, getting them enforced. When there is evidence, it is supposed to be out of the abused person's hands (at least here in Ohio). The police can arrest on evidence, and often don't. When they do, the judge gives the abuser a slap on the wrist and sets them free to do it again. Whne I was in the abusive situation, here is the advice I got by the cops. "If neccessary, go to a corner, away from doors and windows. Make sure he is coming toward you, not away from you and shoot him. But we didn't say this." Great advice, huh?

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 6:03 am

Dead Head. Brian is talking mean to my daughter in law because he has issues regarding an absentee dad, and being raised by me, a single mother. He has never looked inward and dealt with those issues. But again ,I have a responsibility to set him straight as far as his behavior goes. I was never fortunate enough to come in contact with mothers of sons who felt that way. Also, I wish that I had had a dad like you who would have stuck up for me. I could never go to my dad. He is passive agressive, and so I guess I always was drawn to passive agressive men. Those men hold a lot of anger inside. As much as I love Brian (and I do with my whole heart... I would help my daughter in law pack her bags,if he doesnt love and respect her. It is the only way he would ever have a chance to recognize the consequences for his actions. My outlook on many of these issues does not make me a good candidate for ever having a relationship of my own again. However I have lived too long and too hard to ever compromise any of my learned values again. I finally like who I am.

greydeadhead · Post by **greydeadhead** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 6:21 am

Weeder...

Key thru your whole post is respect. It sounds to me like you have done a great job raising your son... commendable in this day and age. He will have to take a hard look at himself but I think with you to guide him down this twisty little road we call life and relationships he will come out fine.

And don't discount your own chances for finding someone to walk along with. From what I have read you have recognized your own issues.. and that is the first step to not repeating our past mistakes. Secondly.. you are happy with who you are.. a most important thing .. so who knows what the next turn of the wheel shall bring you in life..

have a great day and be well..

koan · Post by **koan** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:05 am

weeder wrote: As much as I love Brian (and I do with my whole heart... I would help my daughter in law pack her bags,if he doesnt love and respect her. It is the only way he would ever have a chance to recognize the consequences for his actions. My outlook on many of these issues does not make me a good candidate for ever having a relationship of my own again. However I have lived too long and too hard to ever compromise any of my learned values again. I finally like who I am.

He is very lucky to have a mother that sees what is happening. Especially with sons, mothers often glaze their eyes over and refuse to see anything less than perfect. The mother of the guy I lived with knew that he had problems and was hoping I would fix him for her yet when I left him she stuck by his side like her son was perfect and would not support my decision. A mothers opinion is very important to their child. If changes are to be made they must have the need for change.

I think I may never have a relationship of my own again also. It is not likely true. Just feels that way sometimes. Your last two lines are so heartwarming. If you like who you are and your past made you who you are how can you regret any of it? The hard times and how we survive them are what make us who we are.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 7:58 am

Ah..... the mothers.. that subject is a whole new thread. I could write a book about the meddling, enabling, strangulating,disfunctional mothers of these guys.

Mothers who have an inappropriate interses in their sons sex lives... mothers who slip their sons money for anything and everything. Mothers who really have no regard for women, because they bad mouth the women who get rid of their

crippled sons.......... I always kid around and say.. "Im looking for a man who is through paying child support money( because Im the one who has to see to it that it gets paid..........) And ideally, a man who never had a mother!!!!!!

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:10 am

weeder wrote: I always kid around and say.. "Im looking for a man who is through paying child support money( because Im the one who has to see to it that it gets paid..........) And ideally, a man who never had a mother!!!!!!
Goof!

How about one that has a mom like you?

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 8:10 am

weeder wrote: Ah..... the mothers.. that subject is a whole new thread. I could write a book about the meddling, enabling, strangulating,disfunctional mothers of these guys.

Mothers who have an inappropriate interses in their sons sex lives... mothers who slip their sons money for anything and everything. Mothers who really have no regard for women, because they bad mouth the women who get rid of their

crippled sons.......... I always kid around and say.. "Im looking for a man who is through paying child support money( because Im the one who has to see to it that it gets paid..........) And ideally, a man who never had a mother!!!!!!
Ahhh Weeder...I could tell you stories about "Dan's" mother that would make you cringe. I was asked on more than one occasion, "Why are you doing this to my son?" I wanted to answer with something like, "What...letting him use me for a punching bag?" But, I wasn't the person I am now. I'd love for her to ask me that today! (Glad to see you're still around.) :yh_hugs

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:10 am

My nickname for My last vegetables mother was ORCA. She used to mail his bills to me in an envelope addressed to me. We werent married. I couldnt even bear to start talking about her again. It would undo all the mental progress Ive made over the past four years. My involvements with her should have earned me an honorary doctrate in psychology. Knowing her took me down some very dark roads mentally. But everytime I do the right thing as far as my sons are concerned

remembering the damage she caused to her son.. is a good flaming incentive to me to plow on. She was always very unhappy about me , when she received the next gift he hooked up with........she tried for years to get he and I back together.

When I relocated last year I made very certain she didnt have a way to reach me.

Speaking of ORCA... Another topic Id love to discuss someday is.. IMPOTENCE...

PSYCOLOGICAL? PHYSICAL?????????? OR ORCA CAUSED?????????????????????

ANY TAKERS??????????????????????

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:12 am

A Karenina wrote: Goof!

How about one that has a mom like you?
Thats a horse of a different color!!!

Der Wulf · Post by **Der Wulf** » Fri Jan 14, 2005 9:45 am

weeder wrote:

Speaking of ORCA... Another topic Id love to discuss someday is.. IMPOTENCE...

PSYCOLOGICAL? PHYSICAL?????????? OR ORCA CAUSED?????????????????????

ANY TAKERS??????????????????????

OUCH, ONLY IF WE OF THE "CAN'T FAKE IT" GENDER CAN WEIGH IN WITH TALES OF PMS AND MENOPAUSE.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sun Jan 16, 2005 8:48 am

I didn't post the story of my childhood abuse earlier because, I guess, I was scared. I was sexually abused by my older brother, and a neighbour between the ages of about 6-8. I have almost no memory of the first seven years of my life. I blocked it out. I have replacement memories where my mind made up false memories to replace things I couldn't deal with. Even after doing a lot of healing work about four years ago I haven't been able to restore my memory completely.

It is terrifying to grow up in a house where you are not safe. I have triggers where a smell or image etc will cause me to panic and/or feel ill.

As a result of the abuse, I was drawn to abusive men who reflect back the image I had of myself as an object. I was also made to believe that the abuse was my fault and have found myself justifying sexual attacks that have happened to me as an adult. I have difficulty staying in my body when being intimate and tend to separate. I used to feel everything as if it was second hand sensation.

When I realized that my life was not going to improve until I dealt with the past I made up my mind to break the silence. I told EVERYONE who would listen. My mother refuses to admit that her oldest son could have done anything like this, despite his recent admission of sexual problems from the past (his ex blew the whistle). My mother actually asked me to feel sorry for him while continuing to not validate what happened to me. My little brother was also abused and it is our collective memory that is the only validation I have received. My life did not make sense. I would act in ways that didn't mesh with who I am and had no skills to express my emotions. I couldn't have even told you what each emotion felt like. My mind took over and everything that happened to me was filtered through a screen like watching my life happen from the ceiling. This is why people say I am so calm. I don't react to things emotionally until I am alone.

Things are getting better now. Slowly but surely.

I might write more later but this is it for now.

The important thing is to break the silence.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sun Jan 16, 2005 10:48 pm

Don't know if it's hard to follow that post or not so here's the segue...

Carry on.

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Sun Jan 16, 2005 11:52 pm

Koan, people never quite know what to say when confronted with this sort of abuse. I know, even know what you are talking about.

I was 22 when I told my mum what her brother had done to me as a child, I'm still not allowed to mention it at all to her and she still relies on him for help every so often. It was delbt with by my gradmother and my mother, but all he got was a strict telling off. The thing that makes me mad about that is my mum still acts like it never happened.

He abused me from a pre-school age up until I was 8 years old, when I refused to allow him near me. My teenage life was ruled by it, and I hated men, was the type that went on a rampage rather than become withdrawn. The crazy idea was to make all men pay for what one man had done.

Up until very recently I had thought I was over it all now, but it seems not. Recently I have began to have a mental block during sex. I'm not about to go into details, but I believe it is a result of giving into my emotions, something that I don't often do. It is now effecting my relationship, but my boyfriend knows about it, although I'm not sure he equates the problem to it (guess he will now, if he reads this forum). It's not something I want to say to him, "well the problem isn't you but it's....", that always seems to be a cop out and an easy excuse, even though it's the truth.

Also as a result of the abuse, I have been left with bizarre sexual preferences (thankfully not involving peadifilia in any way) but still not what society terms as "normal".

I've delbt with it by myself, being practical has helped. It wasn't until I began my training though that I really understood what I had been doing through my younger life, just understanding the reasons helps to solve the problems, in my mind at least.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 12:09 am

Thank you so much for talking about it, Letha. It is very difficult for me as well, even though I do suffer from a "boundary" problem as a result.

It is almost as hurtful to me that my mother won't acknowledge what happened as it was to have gone through it. The only way to justify the disrespect is to think that they can't handle picturing or imagining it so their mind shoves it away in a corner. But that is only a way to justify it.

I know what you mean by preferences. I also go through times when I feel everything then for no good reason I stop feeling again. It might be stress related.

I think with any kind of abuse it is important to have validation. To have people acknowledge that they did something wrong. If they apologise, and truly mean it, great. If they make an effort to heal themselves, tremendous. Unless the validation happens then it is possible to forgive that they knew no better but the only healing comes from the empowerment of knowing you can choose not to associate with them anymore. Empowering but still kind of weak. My brother apologised to me but for something else that was, in comparison, ridiculous. My mother insists that we all "love each other". She doesn't care whether the love is real or if we just pretend when we are around her. It's her illusion. Every once in a while I take her paddle away. (She lives on De Nile)

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 12:25 am

I've had no apology from my mum's brother, the best thing I have is to see his face when our paths cross, at the end of the day I hold so much power over him. He seemed to be more aware of that after my nan passed away, as she was the head of the family, and none of us would go against her wishes.

As long as he stays away from my cousins and their children he is okay and this was the deal we all came to. There was a time when one of my cousins had gone to the police, but I couldn't back her up because she is an attention seeker so it was a real case of Peter and the Wolf, she had cried wolf one too many times.

I guess to a certain degree for a brief period, long enough to deal with it, my mum acknowledged it, but it hurts to see her welcome him into her home now, like nothing ever happened, or to hear her tell me in no uncertain terms to behave if I am there when he turns up. Like you say, it's the only way they can deal with it.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 2:22 am

letha wrote: I've had no apology from my mum's brother, the best thing I have is to see his face when our paths cross, at the end of the day I hold so much power over him. He seemed to be more aware of that after my nan passed away, as she was the head of the family, and none of us would go against her wishes.

As long as he stays away from my cousins and their children he is okay and this was the deal we all came to. There was a time when one of my cousins had gone to the police, but I couldn't back her up because she is an attention seeker so it was a real case of Peter and the Wolf, she had cried wolf one too many times.

Letha, i am so sorry that you had to suffer abuse at the hands of this animal you say your cousin reported him to the police, what happened?

Why dont you report him to the police yourself? the chances are, this man is probably still abusing children.

I know it must be difficult for you, him being your uncle but i urge you to talk to someone about this abuse, you're a nurse Letha you know the score.

If this guy abused you at such a tender age he's a paedophile and he'll never be any different, and its not good enough to say "as long as he stays away from my cousins & their children" what about children outside your family dont they need protection from this monster?

No-one should ever turn a blind eye to a paedophile.

persephone · Post by **persephone** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:41 am

Well, now that he's had a stroke not really, he can't go far and doen't have contact with children anymore.

My cousin is an attention seeker, what happened is she dropped the charges after getting a younger cousin to lie for her as well, they then got me involved as the younger one needed an adult present for the interview. I was totally unaware of what I was walking into, just recieved a call saying they needed me.

Now having had the younger one live with me I can tell her lies from the truth, and I sat and watched her interview on the video link, nothing she said could be used as evidence as, there is nothing wrong with an uncle giving his niece a cuddle.

If her interview had been different then I and her mother would've backed them all the way, but even afterwards, she turned to me and said, "I didn't know they would make me do that, he's never done anything to me."

Now you may ask how the older one would know what had happened if it hadn't happened to her, well my Aunt (who is a little older than me) had told them all it had happened to her. My cousin was just expecting both of us to back her up... Thing is, neither of us were willing to back her up, because as I said before, she cried wolf one to many times.

The other thing you have to consider is the total reaction of the family, now all of mine know what happened, even his wife, he hasn't been left alone with any of us since. If we were to press charges against him, my recall of events would be bad, as Koan said, she blocked stuff out as I have myself. I would most likely put myself through what would be a nightmare, to have the rest of the family close in around him, without better recall of events it would end up being my word against a whole family.

Who would end up suffering most there, I can without a doubt say it wouldn't be him.

A blind eye hasn't been turned, our family is an old style extened one, eyes are on him all the time, and as I say, he can't go far anymore since his stroke.

koan · Post by **koan** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:42 am

It's hard enough to tell the story here let alone to the police and the courts. It would be easier if support existed from the family. Otherwise, how do you prove it and if you can't prove it how can you go through that all if there is only a 50/50 chance it will accomplish anything? It is most likely that he is still acting out in some way but how do you catch him? To be able to look him in the eye is the result of a lot of healing. To look him in the eye and point a finger could be too much. I called every hotline I could find when I was trying to heal. None of them would talk to me. They only exist to help children in abusive situations they will not help adult survivors.

samanthaguy · Post by **samanthaguy** » Mon Jan 17, 2005 10:20 am

Koan, you are a very strong person, ifeel terrible for you to have had to go through this, sometimes there a centers for abused women, the one in my city is called safe homes rape cricis center for women.. they do a number of difrent programs... If you cant find one of those you can always vent here, i dont know much about this issue but i am a great listner like the others in the garden, feel free it email me anytime if you would like to talk...... good luck

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:07 pm

Thanks for sharing your story.

It is the first weapon to convince people that they can't live without the abuser. Every success story may help to free someone else. :-6

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 9:31 am

Lesley, does the shelter you work with offer classes to help women identify where they ae emotionally, and how to form healthy relationships?

The YWCA offers an excellent small group therapy class on setting boundaries. It was extremely helpful to me to see exactly how I allowed people to trample on my "inner self" for lack of a better phrase. Mostly, I think it validated those of us who took the class, and taught us that we have the right AND the responsibility to set boundaries, and keep them.

There were 7 of us in my group. Not one of them went back to their husbands, and not one of them began a new relationship except me.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:27 pm

A Karenina wrote: Lesley, does the shelter you work with offer classes to help women identify where they ae emotionally, and how to form healthy relationships?

The YWCA offers an excellent small group therapy class on setting boundaries. It was extremely helpful to me to see exactly how I allowed people to trample on my "inner self" for lack of a better phrase. Mostly, I think it validated those of us who took the class, and taught us that we have the right AND the responsibility to set boundaries, and keep them.

There were 7 of us in my group. Not one of them went back to their husbands, and not one of them began a new relationship except me.A Karenina...Do you still take part in that group? I've found that even after the healing process is done (if it is ever REALLY done) lots of women continue on with the support groups, if for no other reason than to be around women who understand.

I'm not sure I agree with Lesley, though. We are who we sleep with? No matter what? To me this implies exactly what I fought against. That the identity of a woman is determined by her mate. Another form of abuse. And the "I love him" 'brigade', as you put it, is rather harsh. Women who believe this do truly believe it. Perception is reality. While it is a warped, self-destructive reality, it IS their reality.

*Interesting to see this thread keeps popping up. I hope it's helping someone!*

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Thu Jan 27, 2005 7:19 pm

Taking time out is hard to do. We know we should, and yet there seems to be such an emphasis on jumping back into life that we go before we are ready.

I know that was very true for me. The only thing that changed my reactions was to let myself get dragged so low that I was forced to hdie out for a while.

But...these days the sun shines, the birds sing, friends are happy to be in my company, I am progressing in my goals...and I feel refreshed, excited. That wound-licking thing really works!

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 10:41 am

Apparently GreyDeadhead and I were raised with the same set of chivalrous rules. I grew up in the wilds of the West. The high moutains of Colorado and Montana and I'm here to tell you the code of my people is VERY specific.

You do not strike a woman FOR ANY REASON. If you do, you are not a man, but an animal.

I have stuck to that code and I have never raised my hand to any girl in my life. And I never will. I open doors for women, I stand when they come to the table and I seat them. I walk to the street side with a girl and bend my arm to give her a support to hold.

I am gentle to all women, (Even though my wife sometimes tells me I am hard man to other men.) But I do have knowledge of this subject.

For the first three decades of my life I traveled the world, flew the skies and adventured across the rooftops of the world...and stayed a bachelor.

But I finally met the girls of my dreams when I was 34. I loved her with all my heart, a very old-fashioned girl who liked family and quilting and cooking. A very beautiful person, but with a dark secret.

I found out about that secret quickly. She had screaming nightmares at night. Sever post-traumatic shock syndrome the docs call it. Like war vets. It seems that her first husband, when she was just a young girl, was an abusive alcoholic. Worse yet... he was a black belt in karate.

He regularly raped her and used her for a punching bag for years. One day when she was 9 months pregnant, he kicked her in the stomach and killed the baby inside her. She will never bear children again now, including mine.

The years have passed and her nightmares have diminished thanks to a safe, caring, loving environment (although I still have to be careful sometimes not to wake her abruptly).

One day, a few years ago, he located her and called our house. He said he had changed and had quit drinking and wanted to see her and his son again. I rarely resort to any violence, but I am combat trained and I am determined to protect my loved ones.

I told him that he had forfeited his rights to be involved in their lives. They are my family now. I further told the dispicable, baby-killing piece of human filth that if he ever crossed my path in broad daylight I would kill him in an instant, even if it meant doing time.

I found out later that my son (who was 12 at the time)had overheard the conversation. I felt bad, because, after all, it was his own father I was forbidding him to see. Without even asking him. It turned out OK, though. I talked it over with im and he agreed with me.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 10:43 am

I guess I need an ending to that story... so here it is:

Abusive men give my whole gender a bad name, but please realize that there are good guys out there. Men with principles and morals. Good, caring, loving, honest, men.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 12:31 pm

Jives wrote: I guess I need an ending to that story... so here it is:

Abusive men give my whole gender a bad name, but please realize that there are good guys out there. Men with principles and morals. Good, caring, loving, honest, men.
Jives, I agree completely. In fact, I found one!! That's a really important thing for people who have been in this situation to remember. There ARE good ones out there. A lot of abused people go through the rest of their lives believing EVERYONE is going to hit them. It's just not so. Have faith!!

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:27 pm

lesley wrote: and babyrider, it was my fault cos i chose to go back into that situation, not my fault my partner was a psycho
No one here has EVER tried to place blame when it comes to this topic. I think you are just skimming the surface. It's so easy for people to sit back and say "Just leave, get out, find a way." when the reality is that these women are incapable of helping themselves. Until they can find the strength within them to make the change, they will keep going back. Apparently you found that strength. Good for you. So did I.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:41 pm

Yeah, it's tough to talk about this subject objectively, without emotion breaking in.

My poor sweetheart still cries sometimes when she hears about a little girl dying. She says, "I had a little girl once."

Interestingly, I have been physically abused by a couple of women in my life. One hit me in the head with a vase and another threw a bottle and caught me in the eye. Still another, broke into my house ans shattered a plate glass door.

That all falls into my "too crazy for me" category. Anytime any relationship I've ever had that has crossed that line, I instantly end. No negotiating, no waffling, no going back..

Just..I'm sorry it didn't work out and goodbye.

You see, it's my belief that anyone who crosses that line into violence once, will do it again.

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Jan 28, 2005 6:39 pm

Jives, you've brought up some very good points. I know BabyR has already commented on them, but I'd like to add my own applause as well.

It takes a long time to get beyond the fear, to be able to risk your faith in another person. But it does happen, you do heal (although you are never the same), and there are lots of wonderful people in the world.

Thank you for sharing your story.

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 10:50 am

BabyRider wrote: A Karenina...Do you still take part in that group? I've found that even after the healing process is done (if it is ever REALLY done) lots of women continue on with the support groups, if for no other reason than to be around women who understand.BabyRider, I'm sorry for the delay in replying. I didn't continue with the group. The facilitators wanted to get together after the sessions ended, and we talked on the phone for a while. I adored them, but I wasn't ready to light the town on fire. We just quit talking over time.

I was very close to 2 of the women, and we continued to talk and get together. But, keeping in mind that none of us were exactly sane at that time...

One friend would get very angry if I was late for any get together. 10-15 minutes late would drive her batty, and she would yell that I had no respect for her. It wasn't intentional on my part - oftentimes I'm stuck at work.

Then it occurred to me that I always had to call her. She never called me. So I quit calling one day. A few months later, she called my boss at work and "reported" me for a personal thing. It's a long story. My boss thought the woman was crazy, so nothing happened to me. But I didn't want to deal with anyone who would jeopardize my job/reputation. I moved, changed my phone numbers, and never heard from her again.

The other friend and I stuck it out for about 2 years. I sewed her daughter's prom dress, and tried to help her in small practical ways. But we were just very different people...snobby as it sounds, we're from opposite sides of the track. I made her sick with my little housewife ways...like the necessity of matching dinner napkins, my passion for crafts and books, my "elitist" jaunts about town to see the opera, my need for order, etc. I am obnoxious! LOL.

She accepted me ok, but she struggled when her daughter wanted exposure to cultural things. I interfered in their lives, and I will never know how destructive I was. I encouraged the girl to go to college while the mom wanted the girl to stay home and babysit the younger kids. I took the girl with me to the ballet and to cheap afternoon concerts. I mentored her, really...

Anyway, I was pushed out of their lives, perhaps rightfully so.

It was a very interesting period for all of us. No one really knew where they were emotionally, and we were all fighting so hard just to stay alive. We took our anger and our fear out on each other, I think. I remember one woman screaming at me when I talked about giving my job an ultimatum - fair market value salary, or I walk. She thought I had no right to do that. Everyone thought I would rip her head off - and I've never figured out why they'd think so.

I wasn't very nice when I replied to her. I said, "Are you pissed because I stood up for myself, or are you pissed because I got what I wanted?" She replied that she was pissed because I am a bitch. Ah well...that I can't deny.

I also remember having little patience with the women who'd sit and cry. I wouldn't say anything, and I felt very self-righteous about that. But I couldn't offer any comfort or kindness...today I think it's because I was terrified their weakness was contagious.

In the years after the therapy, it seemed that every woman I met had a tale of woe. Abuse of every kind. Vengeful men. Kids torn apart. Financial problems. Half of them alcoholics...my teenage son would meet kids, meet their parents, and then somehow I became responsible for these people.

Has this happened to anyone else? I often feel like a freak!

There was this horrid woman who gave my son as much liquor as he wanted - he was 15 at the time. I called the police constantly to haul his rear back home. The police knew, and did nothing.

I came home very late on night. This..."mother" was sitting on the steps of my apartment, screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, and drunk out of her mind. My landlord was a nice woman, and she asked me if she should call the police or was this a friend of mine? I recommended we call the police.

Well, they arrived. They discovered that her license was suspended from multiple DUIs but she had driven to my house drunk. They turned on me. It was my responsibility to drive her home, they said.

No, it's freaking not! Why were the cops giving me lectures about taking care of people who didn't want to be bothered taking care of themselves? The woman gave tons of alcohol to my son - she's no friend of mine. Grrrrrrrrrr!

After that, I stayed to myself for years. I had friendly acquaintances at work, but didn't let anyone into my life except the boyfriend. He was already there anyway.

Over the past year or two, I've been willing to let myself attach emotionally here and there. Over the past week, I've been startled to find out how excited these people are that I now have more free time to go do things. Taking stock, most of them have been divorced years ago, they do well in their jobs, and they all have hobbies and things which keep them happy and busy. Pretty healthy, I think...and they are busy bringing me back to the land of the living.

Anyway...long rambling answer, huh? Hugs to you, and hopes that you will share your experiences as well.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 9:42 am

I'm bumping this very old thread for the members here who need to read it. You know who you are.

actionfigurestepho · Post by **actionfigurestepho** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:43 am

Wow, what an inspiring thread. I had no idea we had so many strong ladies and men on this board. Thanks for bumping this.

springdinger · Post by **springdinger** » Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:47 pm

I like to say how wonderful this thread is. As it was said many times, you have to find the strength. The funny thing is I bet when all of us walked into the relationship we believed our selves to be strong women.

When I left my relationship of 13 years I told him (In the letter tat I left on the bed) That I loved him, but I decided to love myself more. And that he treated me the way he did because it was the way his father treated his mother. And I allowed him to treat me this way because it's the way my father treated my mother. But I got to looking at my dayghters who at that point were 6 and 4 and thought they will grow up knowing that this is acceptable behavior. THere was no way that I was ever going to let that happen.

It was two months later that he was diagnosed Bi-polar and became medicated and went back to the man I loved the man I fell in love with 13 years before. We got back together 3 months after that and have been together ever since. The funny thing is that in the first 13yrs we were together I wouldn't marry him.

We have been marriend for just a little over a year. We are still in counsiling and life is great.

LottomagicZ4941 · Post by **LottomagicZ4941** » Thu Aug 04, 2005 12:15 am

I'm from a small town and it was understood that there was no life form lower then a man that would hit a woman.

A strong man never is so desparate to hit a gal.

I love the scene in Forest Gump where Forest Gump Gumps up the guy that hit the gal. It is okay to hit men who hit women in my book.

However springdinger does show us where there is hope even for week men. I think she brings up a good point that abusers were often abused themselves.

Still dosen't make it right. Pehaps one day small town values will make a comback.

Lotto

http://www.flalottomagic.net/?sponsor=Z4941

MagicZ4941A

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Thu Aug 04, 2005 3:30 am

To the women that have posted their experiences -YOU ARE ALL TRULY INSPIRATIONAL .it is true there is life after domestic violence a light at the end of the tunnel and there are many good honest men out there .the one thing that stands out in my mind when i remember what happened to me many years ago is a comment made by my ex ma -in-law- why would i get her son arrested ( my ex had tryed to strangle me) and i said to her- would you rather me have him arrested or stick a bread knife in him one day -well that miserable old bat never forgave me ,my ex is now dead and i have the most wonderful man in the world kind,gentle and who has helped me raise my daugther for the last 7 years .not all men are bad .

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 2:39 am

I have been looking for some sort of support and this is what I have found. I thank you all for the post's that were made. I am one who hurts. I had no idea that for the last ten years of my life I had been controlled by a man that said he loved me. I believe now that he did "love" me and my son and the girls that he later adopted from my first marrage. He deceided to divorce me. I Am learning now that I had been manipulated in that as well and left "high and dry". He has control over our lives still. I have an appointment with a counseler here in my area to get help. But that is not for a few more days and it seems like an eternity. I don't have any friends and dont really attend a church. My family is states away. He is all that we had. My final straw was when he was choking me in front of my son. We had gotten into fights before but never in front of the kids. I did fear the unknown life of survival so much so that when he shot my daughter with a pellet gun, which he thought was unloaded, I could do nothing but lie and get her a shot for any posible infection. The pellet is still there. I'm sure it will be used as evidence. When he swung a loaded 22 hand gun on my son while he was playing, I had words with him and that was that. I cant believe that I could not see what was happening right before my eyes. :-1 Reading all that has been written has helped me. I am scared. For my kids more then for me. He is not their biological father but he is all they have known. He has been so cunning and "loving". I am a mess. All I can really say is Thank you for this "Thread". ...

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 6:44 am

I'm wondering something here. How many of us that were in an abusive relationship that the abuser was an alcoholic? I really believe alcohol and/or drugs are a factor in a lot of these cases.

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 11:50 am

I can say that this man did it with no drug or any alcohol in his system. I think thats one of the reasons I felt "safe" in the rrelationship.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 6:53 pm

I grew up beaten and sexually abused by a very religious zealot of a Grandpa. He actually told me that ALL women were born with the original sin of Eve and it was his job to beat that sin out of me so I would be cleansed for my husband, he allowed my cousin to rape me so he would be a better husband for his wife. I didn't trust men for many years. I was a bit of a slut because I felt this was the way women were supposed to be loved. Trust - vs - love that was how I felt. I got counseling at 30 and learned I was really my own woman. Do you know why I got counseling? I had my child and my mind fell apart about how I was going to protect her. I could NOT get my head around care taking this small, innocent, beautiful life that I had brought into the world. I realize my story is extreme but I feel a lot of people - men and women - go through very bad family situations growing up and just need to sort it out in their heads, in their hearts, and therefore their lives. I hope this helps.

Vanessa

kmhowe72 · Post by **kmhowe72** » Mon Aug 22, 2005 5:12 pm

heres one. My husband hit me. and I took him by the ears, lead him right out of the house. And then I had him arrested. Then a year half later he did it again. he walked away more hurt then me. Now I do not like violence. and I told him if ever did that to me again. he would never see his kid. At the time I did not have Amber. I told him he had to go to cousiling, he did, and he still does. He told me he gets fustraited because I am well a little well BOLD, ok alot. But he never touched me in that way again. and for two years he has not laid a hand on me.

He knows what would happen, he would lose his job, his children , and his freedom. And I would never let him back in the house.

Now if he gets fustrated at me he has learned to talk about it. Instead of grabbing me. But sometimes he gets in my face. But I give him this I dear you look. and he backs down. he does do drugs and he doesn't drink. His mother was abusive and drunk all the time. he has come to the conclusion that he learned thats how to act, when trying to express himself. It helps that I am way bigger then my husband and I know karate. But if anyone is in this sitution I aplore you to seek help right away. Because the circle of violence can go on and be passed down to your children.

I am just glad my husband know he has a problem and he deals with it. and he values my children and I so much he went and got help. It's not that easy to go for help. But the NADA helps. Check your locale info line.

We also took marriage cousiling, but that didn't help very much. He left and moved out. Thats one of many reason he does not live with me all the time. Because when he is feeling that way. He has somewhere to go. Thats why we aredoingso well. he knows when to take awalk. But he has not had any of those feelings in two year and two months. He is also afraid of the police. That helps. But I am not recommending anyone any of these suggestions. I know how to defend myself.