Maybe FG Needs a Good Laugh!

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:04 am

anybody got any good jokes?

i'll start with one! :guitarist

Some folks were in church one day and the devil showed up at the front of the church! Everybody went running and screaming from the church except for one old man. The devil couldn't understand why this man wasn't afraid of him so he goes over and asked. Do you know who I am? the man says yes. The devil says well, why aren't you afraid of me?

The man says, because i've been married to your sister for 30 years!!!

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:19 am

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:21 am

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:45 am

scholle-kid;1108995 wrote: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

OMG i'm laughing so hard i can hardly type! :yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:46 am

Odie;1108993 wrote: :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Okay your turn sister!

:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 7:33 am

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

3. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

4. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

5. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

6. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

7. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 7:56 am

'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SH*T, It's Cold !

The End

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:42 am

scholle-kid;1109057 wrote: 'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SH*T, It's Cold !

The End

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

That's perfect!!!! becase it is cold!!! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:48 am

scholle-kid;1109057 wrote: 'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SH*T, It's Cold !

The End

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

thats funny:D:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

i love this one ,, i think i saw it from Imaldris who also loves it:D

Question: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: Fish:D

still makes me smile:D

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:33 pm

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:34 pm

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 2:37 pm

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:33 pm

Hope6;1109357 wrote: After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:38 pm

A perplexing situation

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a

sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same

speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your

horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same

speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this

highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below.

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:44 pm

Hope6;1109359 wrote: At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

darn right!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:53 pm

A little fun.......a little naughty..................................:wah:

PS. Just click on a pic to enlarge it so you can read it. Or you can get a magnifying glass.

Attached files

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:53 pm

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after

work cocktail with her girlfriends when an

exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the

woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly

attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As

all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring

so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll

do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to

do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one

condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition

was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you

want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment,

and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,

which she pressed into the man's hand along with her

address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly

and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:54 pm

scholle-kid;1109455 wrote: A perplexing situation

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a

sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same

speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your

horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same

speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this

highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, scroll down to see answer below.

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:00 pm

Hope6;1108978 wrote: anybody got any good jokes?

i'll start with one! :guitarist

Some folks were in church one day and the devil showed up at the front of the church! Everybody went running and screaming from the church except for one old man. The devil couldn't understand why this man wasn't afraid of him so he goes over and asked. Do you know who I am? the man says yes. The devil says well, why aren't you afraid of me?

The man says, because i've been married to your sister for 30 years!!!

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

We still tell the story of that day down at the folk club :-

ARTIST: Trad and Anon

TITLE: The Devil and the Farmer's Wife

Lyrics

There was an old man lived over the hill

If he ain't moved on he's a livin' there still

Sing fi fi, diddle-i fi, diddle-i, diddle-i ay

Well the devil came up to him one day

Said, one of your family I'm gonna take away / Sing fi fi...

Oh, please don't take my eldest son

There's work on the farm that's got to be done / ...

All I want's that wife of yours

Well, you can take her with all of my heart / ...

Well, he picks up the wife upon his back

And off to hell he goes clickety clack / ...

He carries her on about a mile down the road

He said old woman you're a devil of a load / ...

He carries her on down to the gates of Hell

He says poke up the fire we'll scorch her well / ...

There were two little devils with a ball and chain

She ups with her foot and kicks out their brains / ...

Nine little devils went climbin' up the walls

Sayin' take her back Daddy she'll murder us all / ...

Got up the next mornin' and spied thru the crack

I seen the old devil come a draggin' her back / ...

He said here's your wife both sound and well

If I kept her any longer she'd a tore up hell / ...

He said I been a devil most all my life

But I never been in hell till I met your wife / ...

This show's that women are better than the men

They can go down to hell and come back again / ...

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:31 pm

Great stuff guys! I can't remember when i've laughed so much! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:39 pm

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:44 pm

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

scholle-kid · Post by **scholle-kid** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:23 pm

Hope6;1109605 wrote: A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl :driving: :yh_rotfl

Amber Sun · Post by **Amber Sun** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:50 pm

scholle-kid;1108995 wrote: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost.

Oh goodness, LOL, I haven't laughed this hard for a long time. Thanks for posting

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Wed Jan 14, 2009 10:54 pm

along-for-the-ride;1109476 wrote: A little fun.......a little naughty..................................:wah:

PS. Just click on a pic to enlarge it so you can read it. Or you can get a magnifying glass.

ya gotta love Maxine!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 6:56 am

Amber Sun;1109623 wrote: Oh goodness, LOL, I haven't laughed this hard for a long time. Thanks for posting

Amber Sun! I love that name! :-6

btw welcome to the garden!

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 6:59 am

Odie;1109606 wrote: Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Amen sister!!

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:02 am

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:05 am

Hope6;1109697 wrote: TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

10. cat's facial expressions!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

bring it on!:wah::wah:

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:21 am

Odie;1109698 wrote: 10. cat's facial expressions!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

bring it on!:wah::wah:

i thought you might like that one! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:59 am

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:02 am

Odie;1109749 wrote: Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:05 am

For Odie! :-4

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

- Faith Resnick

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer

No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous

Amber Sun · Post by **Amber Sun** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:24 am

Hope6;1109689 wrote: Amber Sun! I love that name! :-6

btw welcome to the garden!

LOL Hope6, this has to be the funniest thread I've read in a long time. I laughed so hard last night going from one joke to the next. The 'cab driver' joke was hilarious, and I loved the 'beating up on the ghost'. Yours are good Hope6, but they are so true that the funny aspect of them becomes blurred when mixed with sympathy for the opposite sex. :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl But carry on Hope6 I'm writing the best ones down, LOL.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 10:30 am

Hope6;1109752 wrote: For Odie! :-4

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."

- Hippolyte Taine

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."

- Faith Resnick

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweitzer

No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

- Anonymous

ahhhhhhhh to cool, thanks!

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 12:56 pm

Amber Sun;1109833 wrote: LOL Hope6, this has to be the funniest thread I've read in a long time. I laughed so hard last night going from one joke to the next. The 'cab driver' joke was hilarious, and I loved the 'beating up on the ghost'. Yours are good Hope6, but they are so true that the funny aspect of them becomes blurred when mixed with sympathy for the opposite sex. :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl But carry on Hope6 I'm writing the best ones down, LOL.

well thank you so much! i've laughed harder than i have in a long time at some of the ones folks have put on here too.......very funny!

i hope folks keep them coming! i think FG needed a good laugh! :yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:12 pm

What Women Want in a Man

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:16 pm

Speeding Ticket

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:19 pm

Speeding Ticket 2

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:48 pm

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club to relax.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

>

>

>

>

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time'!

So, Bob's funeral will be on Friday. :p :wah:

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:51 pm

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local "Hooters" Bar.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, sure "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause, & cheers.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don' t understand. Why Did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? "

Well, now they know you're one of us'', said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No I don't drink, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out! Now, how about that drink?"

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 1:55 pm

Little Johnny's assignment!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.

"Little Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"!!!

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 4:54 pm

cars;1110010 wrote: Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club to relax.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

>

>

>

>

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time'!

So, Bob's funeral will be on Friday. :p :wah:

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:00 pm

cars;1110012 wrote: A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local "Hooters" Bar.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, sure "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause, & cheers.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don' t understand. Why Did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? "

Well, now they know you're one of us'', said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No I don't drink, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out! Now, how about that drink?"

oh that one is priceless! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:02 pm

cars;1110014 wrote: Little Johnny's assignment!

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.

Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.

"Little Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"!!!

OMG! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

cars · Post by **cars** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:05 pm

Glad you liked them Hope, I got a million of um!!!

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:06 pm

What Men Know

Here are the top ten things that men know about women!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

:sneaky: :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:09 pm

cars;1110092 wrote: Glad you liked them Hope, I got a million of um!!!

Hi Buddy! :-6

Great ones! :guitarist :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:15 pm

Crying Husband

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

Hope6 · Post by **Hope6** » Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:19 pm

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"