Maybe FG Needs a Good Laugh!

[Amber Sun]

Hope6;1112815 wrote: A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl


LOL Hope I love it ROTFL

[Odie]

Hope6;1112816 wrote: There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.




that's men for you!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

Amber Sun;1112856 wrote: LOL Hope I love it ROTFL


pretty good ain't it! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

Odie;1112874 wrote: that's men for you!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


It sure is! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl (sorry guys) :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Odie]

Hope6;1113604 wrote: It sure is! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl (sorry guys) :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


are we really sorry:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

Odie;1113616 wrote: are we really sorry:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


nah! not really! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[AussiePam]

Love is just a four letter word

YouTube - Joan Baez - Love is just a four letter word (from NDH)

[Hope6]

AussiePam;1113742 wrote: Love is just a four letter word

YouTube - Joan Baez - Love is just a four letter word (from NDH)


How about- Whats Love Got to Do With It!- Tina Turner

[cars]

This guy checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely.



So he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".



He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.



She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.



No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.



I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.



Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic;

>

>

>

>

But for an outside line you need to press 9".

[Hope6]

cars;1115755 wrote: This guy checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely.



So he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".



He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.



She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.



No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.



I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.



Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic;

>

>

>

>

But for an outside line you need to press 9".


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

that is priceless! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[cars]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.



They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.



Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.



The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.



However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.



He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.



After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.



The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: January 6, 2009



I know you're surprised to hear from me.



They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.



I've just arrived and have been checked in.



I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow!

Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

[cars]

TENDER STEW!



Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can`t seem to get a tender Missionary.



I`ve baked them, I`ve roasted them, I`ve stewed them, I`ve barbecued them, I`ve tried every sort of

marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river.



They have those brown cloaks with a rope around

the waist and they`re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" :p:rolleyes:

[cars]

Tickle Me Elmo Toys:



There is a factory here in America which makes the Tickle-Me-Elmo toys. The Toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the factory and starts at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.



The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.



He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line

behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for

himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are

Tickle-Me-Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really

beginning to pile up.



At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle-Me-Elmo's.



She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.



The Personnel Manager bursts into robust laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.



I'm sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.....



"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles". :p:rolleyes:

[scholle-kid]

cars;1110014 wrote: Little Johnny's assignment!



The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.



The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved.



Then teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Little Johnny was left.



"Little Johnny do you have a story to share?"



"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."



"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands."



"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher.



"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"



"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"!!!
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl

[scholle-kid]

cars;1110667 wrote: A Blond's (sorry Blonds) car gets a flat tire on the expressway.



She eases the car over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of her car and opens the trunk.



She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the car facing oncoming traffic.



The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coat, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, traffic becomes snarled and backed up in no time.



It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde, yelling, "What the #**(^%%$# is going on here?"



"My car broke down, officer," says the woman calmly.



"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road!" Asked the Officer.



She replies, "Oh those are just my emergency flashers."





__________________

Cars
:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl:driving::driving:

[scholle-kid]

Hiring a ranch hand



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She

Was

Determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so

She

Placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She

Thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided

To hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the

House than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a

Lot about ranching. For weeks the woman & gay hired hand worked hard and

The ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,

And the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your

Heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon entering the room, he found the

Rancher's' widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting

For him.



She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.



Trembling, he did as she directed.



"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.



"Now take off my socks."



He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

Her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told

And dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said:



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[scholle-kid]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.' 'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.''I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**. '

[scholle-kid]

Hope6;1112816 wrote: There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.



They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.



No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.



All of the men started clapping.








I told my husband this one and his reaction was ha ha " very funny" :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: "



:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[scholle-kid]

cars;1115755 wrote: This guy checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely.

So he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages".



He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.



She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.



"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!



"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.



No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.



I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.



Now, how does that sound?"



She says, "That sounds fantastic;

>

>

>

>

But for an outside line you need to press 9".
:-2 :yh_rotfl

:yh_rotfl

:yh_rotfl

[scholle-kid]

A rich lady from New york City was very very bored and tired of all the same o same o that the city offered.

So one afternoon she got in her sports car and just started driving West.

she drove where her whims took her , stopped when and where ever she wanted .

After a few weeks of this she found her self in a very small town somewhere in New Mexico. The town had one blinking caution light ,one dry goods store , one motel and one cafe and the only 'watering hole was called " Rosebud Saloon". She decides she wants a drink so she stops.

The lady from new York is standing at the bar drinking a mixed drink the bartender had never heard of before. She looking around at the place and notices a cowboy across the room , he's layed back with his fet up on the edge of the table and his boots are the largest pair of boots she has ever seen , a few drinks later dhe goes over and asks that cowboy if it's true what 'they' say about men with big feet? That cowboy winks at her and asks if she wants to go down to the bunk house and see for her self? Off to the bunk house they go.

The next morning they are getting dressed when that lady from New york walks up to that new mexico cowboy and hands him a hundred dollar bill !!

he's so proud he's walking on air "well gosh lady, i ain't never been paid for it before Thanks a bunch!!!

She just shakes her head and says " that's for a pair of boots that fit"

[cars]

scholle-kid;1115866 wrote: A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.' 'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.''I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh**. '


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Nomad]

This is just sad.Theres a time for laughter and theres a time for pain punishment agony and distress.Clearly laughter is not whats needed here now.

[sunny104]

Nomad;1116080 wrote: This is just sad.Theres a time for laughter and theres a time for pain punishment agony and distress.Clearly laughter is not whats needed here now.


has your sacred portal recovered yet?? I can see why you'd still be a bit cranky....:p

[YZGI]

A heads up for those men who may be regular Lowe's coustomers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two verry good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your vehicle. they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their tops almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. it's hard not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen december 4th,9th,10th,twice on the 15th,17th, and 20th also jan 1st, 4th and twice on the 8th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

[AussiePam]

YZG! - I can do you a good deal in wallets. Three dozen for ten dollars. Just send me your bank details and I'll send you the goods. :sneaky:

[YZGI]

AussiePam;1116239 wrote: YZG! - I can do you a good deal in wallets. Three dozen for ten dollars. Just send me your bank details and I'll send you the goods. :sneaky:
Sounds good to me. Any chance I could get you to steal them back from me?

[AussiePam]

I can do you a good price in skimpy tee shirts too.. :sneaky:

(Be thankful my employees at least left you the car. Mostly they drop off the bloke back at Lowes, and well.. I now do a good cheap line of pre loved cars too...)

[YZGI]

AussiePam;1116249 wrote: I can do you a good price in skimpy tee shirts too.. :sneaky:



(Be thankful my employees at least left you the car. Mostly they drop off the bloke back at Lowes, and well.. I now do a good cheap line of pre loved cars too...)
They obviously knew I would be a return customer. I keep coming and coming etc. etc.:yh_rotfl

[mikeinie]

Hope6;1110120 wrote: A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[mikeinie]

For 15 years every Saturday morning Fred would get up at 6 am and go play golf.

This one morning he gets up as quietly as always not to disturb his wife, and looks outside and it is the worst weather he has ever seen.

He heads downstairs and gets his golf clubs and heads out to the car.

It is lash’n rain, the wind is howling, there is lightning every few seconds.

Defeated he goes back into the house quietly.

He puts his clubs back in the closet

He goes up stairs, gets undressed and slips into bed beside his wife and whispers:

'It is the worst weather I have ever seen out there.'

She replies:

'I know, and can you believe that my idiot husband is out there playing golf.'

[AussiePam]

OOOPS... Can happen to anyone..... !!!!!!! :sneaky:

[cars]

A Conversation to pass the Time!

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,

"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to

the guy, OK so "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But

let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat

the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the

cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried

poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest

idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to

discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t! :p:wah:

[Hope6]

Nomad;1116080 wrote: This is just sad.Theres a time for laughter and theres a time for pain punishment agony and distress.Clearly laughter is not whats needed here now.


awww come on buddy! tell us a joke! i know you got one in you!

[Hope6]

YZGI;1116107 wrote: A heads up for those men who may be regular Lowe's coustomers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two verry good-looking 20-21 year old girls come over to your vehicle. they both start wiping your windshield with a rag and windex, with their tops almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. it's hard not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen december 4th,9th,10th,twice on the 15th,17th, and 20th also jan 1st, 4th and twice on the 8th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

mikeinie;1116274 wrote: For 15 years every Saturday morning Fred would get up at 6 am and go play golf.

This one morning he gets up as quietly as always not to disturb his wife, and looks outside and it is the worst weather he has ever seen.

He heads downstairs and gets his golf clubs and heads out to the car.

It is lash’n rain, the wind is howling, there is lightning every few seconds.

Defeated he goes back into the house quietly.

He puts his clubs back in the closet

He goes up stairs, gets undressed and slips into bed beside his wife and whispers:

'It is the worst weather I have ever seen out there.'

She replies:

'I know, and can you believe that my idiot husband is out there playing golf.'


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Barman]

A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when one of the actors shouted "he's behind you".

[abbey]

:yh_rotfl

[Odie]

Leave me alone;1117141 wrote: A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when one of the actors shouted "he's behind you".


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[cars]

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.



The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,



a royal flush,



beats a pair - no matter how big they are! :p:rolleyes:

[Hope6]

Leave me alone;1117141 wrote: A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when one of the actors shouted "he's behind you".


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

cars;1117168 wrote: Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.



The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,



a royal flush,



beats a pair - no matter how big they are! :p:rolleyes:


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Amber Sun]

Leave me alone;1117141 wrote: A charity Pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos last night when one of the actors shouted "he's behind you".


LOL, panic attack anyone?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Odie]

Amber Sun;1117299 wrote: LOL, panic attack anyone?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


oh that was good!:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Odie]

Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49. The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!





:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Amber Sun]

Odie;1117307 wrote: Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”





:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


Oh LOL, Odie,: a 'grandchild joke' ROTFL

[Hope6]

I'm still waiting for a joke from Nomad! :p:D

[Odie]

Hope6;1117489 wrote: I'm still waiting for a joke from Nomad! :p:D


will we understand though?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Hope6]

Odie;1117540 wrote: will we understand though?:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


owww i hadn't thought of that! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[Odie]

Hope6;1117601 wrote: owww i hadn't thought of that! :yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl


:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

[scholle-kid]

Sunday Morning at Church

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express

praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have praise. Two

months ago, my husband, J im ,

had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

The pain was excruciating and

the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an

audible gasp from the men in the

congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She

continued, 'Jim was unable to

hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We

prayed as the doctors performed

a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed

remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap

wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the

congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they

imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now,

Jim is out of the hospital and the

doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the

men sighed with relief. The pastor

rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man

rose and walked to the podium. He

said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'