Irish vs French

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 6:11 am

Irish vs The French

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to

150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed

200,000 prisoners.'

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:59 am

That really tickled me. :wah:

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:06 am

hoppy;1228606 wrote: Irish vs The French

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to

150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed

200,000 prisoners.'

I don't know. see all these constant anti-european posts we have to put up with from americans yet one tiny little american joke and it's world war three and how everybody is anti-american and nobody likes us.

so by way of tribute

YouTube - Hugh Laurie's song for America - A bit of Fry and Laurie - BBC sketch comedy

Dr House sings!

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 12:20 pm

gmc;1228800 wrote: I don't know. see all these constant anti-european posts[/url]

I do not see hoppy's post as an "anti-european" one. He's telling a *joke*. You know?

Barman · Post by **Barman** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 12:36 pm

Bill Sikes;1228837 wrote: I do not see hoppy's post as an "anti-european" one. He's telling a *joke*. You know?

Bloody funny one too.:yh_rotfl

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 1:22 pm

Bill Sikes;1228837 wrote: I do not see hoppy's post as an "anti-european" one. He's telling a *joke*. You know?

So was I. It's bad enough former colonials can't tell when someone is pulling their leg don't you start. Unless of course your post was a double leg pull.

Constipation Cure

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Gordon Brown, Alastair Darling, Ed Balls, Jackie Smith and Peter Mandelson."

If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 1:36 pm

gmc;1228866 wrote: So was I.

Next thing you'll be back-tracking and telling me your anti-religious feelings are a joke. Hm. I think I'll be able to keep a straight face.

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Tue Aug 11, 2009 2:22 pm

gmc;1228800 wrote: I don't know. see all these constant anti-european posts we have to put up with from americans yet one tiny little american joke and it's world war three and how everybody is anti-american and nobody likes us.

so by way of tribute

YouTube - Hugh Laurie's song for America - A bit of Fry and Laurie - BBC sketch comedy

Dr House sings!

Just pretend you are Irish.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 1:29 am

hoppy;1228891 wrote: Just pretend you are Irish.

I'm scots. i can understand an american pretending to be irish but why would i want to.

Come to think of it you get irsih americam, scots american, african american, arab american, german american etc etc but you never seem to get english americans. Why not?

Kathy Ellen · Post by **Kathy Ellen** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 2:53 am

I've heard people say they were "British American."

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:09 am

gmc;1229011 wrote: I'm scots. i can understand an american pretending to be irish but why would i want to.

Come to think of it you get irsih americam, scots american, african american, arab american, german american etc etc but you never seem to get english americans. Why not?

I "get" English Americans. I used to read Andy Capp all the time.

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:20 am

hoppy;1228606 wrote: Irish vs The French

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to

150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed

200,000 prisoners.'

Very good :wah:

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 4:30 am

Hmm. There's a lack of awareness of what WW1 did to France:

French Empire: 7,500,000 mobilised. 1,385,000 killed; 4,266,000 wounded;5,651,000 total casualties, which is a rate of 75% those mobilised. French population at the time was about 40,000,000.

About 8% of the total French population became casualties.

In contrast:

Great Britain: 5,397,000 mobilised; 703,000 killed; 1,663,000 wounded;

2,367,000 wounded. Casualty rate 44%. Total British population in 1914 was about 46,000,000

USA: 4,272,500 mobilised; 117,000 killed; 204,000 wounded; 321,000 total casualtied, giving a casualty rate of 8%. Total USA population in 1914 was about 100,000,000

Interesting to note that the French nation suffered the same casualty rate as the US army. If you want to understand the French collapse in 1940, these figure explain a lot of it. The psychological effects of having their defences (Maginot Line) outflanked explain much of the rest.

I'll not repeat the jokes about how the USA can't win a war unless the British are involved, but I will point out that the British won the American War of Independence: A militia of mostly British settlers beat a mostly German Army under a German King...

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 5:01 am

Talk about being a sorehead.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 6:14 am

Would you like some Vietnam jokes?

I'm not looking for a fight, and I grinned at the original joke. Think it's genuinely witty though not as good as the cat one.

It just struck me that a lot of Americans have a very negative view of French courage and I don't think it's entirely fair, given what they went through.

:wah: It's also the case that while the French are stroppy, difficult b****rs, they're OUR stroppy difficult b****rs. Much like the Scots and Welsh.

mikeinie · Post by **mikeinie** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 7:30 am

Clodhopper;1229123 wrote:

Would you like some Vietnam jokes?

I'm not looking for a fight, and I grinned at the original joke. Think it's genuinely witty though not as good as the cat one.

It just struck me that a lot of Americans have a very negative view of French courage and I don't think it's entirely fair, given what they went through.

:wah: It's also the case that while the French are stroppy, difficult b****rs, they're OUR stroppy difficult b****rs. Much like the Scots and Welsh.

Sure, are you suggesting that the Irish couldn't take em?? :yh_shamrk

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 7:36 am

mikeinie;1229158 wrote: Sure, are you suggesting that the Irish couldn't take em?? :yh_shamrk

That's why I love the Irish and the Poles. They'll fight anyone anytime. My X is Irish. Red hair and temper and all.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:30 am

Mikeinie: You did! Connaught Rangers aka 88th of Foot:

The 88th Foot served in the Peninsular War (1808-1814). They landed in Portugal March 13 1809. In Wellesley's advance on Soult at Oporto, the 88th was part of Beresford's flanking attack to the east, advancing through the rain and over swollen rivers to reach Chaves and then the Spanish border after a superhuman effort. Then in the attack against Victor, east from Portugal, they saw considerable action, being surprised before Talavera at the Casa de Salinas and routed; then helped save the day in the initial night attack at Talavera when the King's German Legion (KGL) was surprised and ran; and were a steady force on the south side of the Medellin hill in the main battle of Talavera.

In 1810 the 88th had a major role to play in rebuffing the advancing French under Massena on Bussaco's ridge in Sept. 1810. With a bayonet charge under the leadership of Wallace they and the 45th sent the French reeling back down the slope. After Bussaco, they retreated along with Wellesley's other troops to the Lines of Torres Vedras. There, they were responsible for the lines just to the east of the town of Torres Vedras itself. Every morning, usually in pouring rain, they would assemble for two hours in the dark, just in case the French attacked in the dawn.

In 1811 they led the charge at Fuentes d'Onoro that cleared that town, in the final stages of the repelling of Massena out of Portugal.

In early 1812 volunteers of the 88th played a crucial role in the taking of Ciudad Rodrigo. Then in the battle of Badajoz they achieved an incredible success through scaling the walls of the castle, when the British troops elsewhere were suffering terrible casualties at the breaches.

On July 22, 1812, in the Battle of Salamanca, the 88th was the central regiment that climbed the hill at Miranda de Azon that crushed Macaune's troops and was the first step in the defeat of the French forces - and the turning point of the Peninsular War. As it was said of the Battle of Salamanca - it was when Wellesley beat 40,000 men in 40 minutes.

Wikipedia. Correct as far as I can see.

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:18 am

Clodhopper;1229217 wrote: Mikeinie: You did! Connaught Rangers aka 88th of Foot:

Wikipedia. Correct as far as I can see.

Not forgetting of course where Wellesley came from.

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 4:25 am

"I'll not repeat the jokes about how the USA can't win a war unless the British are involved, but I will point out that the British won the American War of Independence: A militia of mostly British settlers beat a mostly German Army under a German King."..

Gee, you guys can't get along with anyone.:wah:

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:45 am

hoppy;1229443 wrote: "I'll not repeat the jokes about how the USA can't win a war unless the British are involved, but I will point out that the British won the American War of Independence: A militia of mostly British settlers beat a mostly German Army under a German King."..

Gee, you guys can't get along with anyone.:wah:

clodhopper is english- they could start a fight in an empty house:sneaky:

I was just kidding about tbne anti-European posts. mind you you should read what we have to say about the french, makes the yanks seem fond of them.

YouTube - Fawlty Towers | Germans

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:16 am

clodhopper is english- they could start a fight in an empty house

Us?? We're meek and gentle and much misunderstood.

Like Oscar, for example.

:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl:yh_rotfl

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:12 pm

Haussement d’épaules - On s’en fout de Ã§a!!!

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:36 pm

AussiePam;1229588 wrote: Haussement d’épaules - On s’en fout de Ã§a!!!

No, it wasn't me, it must've been the dog. It's OK, I'll open a window - just a minute....

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Thu Aug 13, 2009 5:06 pm

gmc;1229450 wrote: clodhopper is english- they could start a fight in an empty house:sneaky:

I was just kidding about tbne anti-European posts. mind you you should read what we have to say about the french, makes the yanks seem fond of them.

YouTube - Fawlty Towers | Germans

I know. I pick on the French more than others because I worked with a Frenchman once.:wah:

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:21 am

hoppy;1229641 wrote: I know. I pick on the French more than others because I worked with a Frenchman once.:wah:

Ah! now I understand. You think you had problems I married an Englishwoman-from the north of England at that. Home is where you hang your head and wonder what you did wrong but know better than to argue.

cigar898 · Post by **cigar898** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:46 pm

hoppy;1228606 wrote: Irish vs The French

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to

150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed

200,000 prisoners.'

And of course, the Irish would kick the French's $ss in a war anyway.....never take prisoners!

cigar898 · Post by **cigar898** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 2:51 pm

AussiePam;1229588 wrote: Haussement d’épaules - On s’en fout de Ã§a!!!

I admit it was me...just call me "Dog"....damn burritos!

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:44 pm

Pas de problème, Snookumses. Ze French are accustomed to making allowances for ze ignorances of foreigners. But ces petits pets, zeese leetle farts, Ã§a pue de l’ail -zey smell of ze garlic avec un soupÃ§on de gauloises. Zey are ze gallic farts, ze WMDs!! Ze Irish are carrément foutus!! Fully farked. :sneaky:

cigar898 · Post by **cigar898** » Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:47 pm

YouTube - Fawlty Towers | Germans

Ohhh that was friggin' hilarious! Still have tears in my eyes from laughing.....

gmc · Post by **gmc** » Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:36 am

cigar898;1230245 wrote: YouTube - Fawlty Towers | Germans

Ohhh that was friggin' hilarious! Still have tears in my eyes from laughing.....

The you might appreciate this

YouTube - DADS ARMY:DONT TELL HIM PIKE! (DVD QUALITY)

If you think americans take the **** out of other nationalities quite frankly you are not in the same league as either us or the continentals-The range of epithets we use is quite staggering. The occasional anti french sentiment expressed by those across the pond is risible and rather feeble compared to us when we get going although the PC brigade do try and spoil the fun. Next they'll be renaming waterloo station and trafalgar square for fear of giving offence.