Andy Rooney cracks me up

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:39 pm

Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney on the word "cripes "

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:40 pm

ya know........

if you just read the headers and not the story..... Rooney is a bigger perv than me.

Wolverine · Post by **Wolverine** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:43 pm

BabyRider wrote: Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

that is TOO funny.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 2:55 pm

Andy Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.__________________

That's funnier:wah:

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:23 pm

Who is this guy....he's FUNNY...send him over to the UK ...we need some comedians.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 3:51 pm

Bez wrote: Who is this guy....he's FUNNY...send him over to the UK ...we need some comedians.
Bez, you've really never heard of Andy Rooney? I don't know why that should surprise me, but it does!

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:09 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Googled him . I want to read his essays now.
I'll bet you find lots of good stuff Arnold. If you find something really priceless, be sure to share, would ya please? :yh_bigsmi

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:14 pm

BabyRider wrote: Bez, you've really never heard of Andy Rooney? I don't know why that should surprise me, but it does!

The only famous US Rooney I know is 'Micky' and the only famous Rooney in the UK is a footballer called Wayne...I'll look on the web.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:19 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: LOL you wont get Wayne Rooney saying ANYTHING that makes sense (Great footballer though)

Wasn't so good tonight though....Ireland 1 England 0 ...bet old Buzzard has been falling out of his nest...good on the Irish i say.

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:28 pm

It'll be interesting in the press tomorrow...baying for Svens blood.

NursiePoo · Post by **NursiePoo** » Wed Sep 07, 2005 4:30 pm

Haaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was toooo funny!!!:wah: :wah: