Texas

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Sat Jan 16, 2010 8:54 pm

TEXAS

I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned in my years of living in this Heaven on Earth located South of the Red River and North of the Rio Grande. I can personally attest to the following points as being true.

1. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

2. Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep".

3. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas and probably a half dozen species or more in your own backyard.

4. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.

5. Armadillos love to dig holes under all bedding plants.

6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

8. Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

9. You cannot find a country road without a curve from corner to corner.

10. Pecan is pronounced "puhcon".

11. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

12. Texas has 6 seasons: Spring, Feb 16 to April 15 Summer, April 16 to July 15 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Super Summer, July 16 to Sept 10 (temp 100 to 115 degrees) Summer, Sept. 11 to Oct 1 (temp 90 to 98 degrees) Fall, Oct 2 to Dec. 1 Winter Dec. 2 to Feb 15

13. The wind blows at 90 MPH (THIS IS EXCESSIVE) from Oct. 2 until July 15, then it stops totally. (This does not apply to West Texas.)

14. Onced and Twiced are words.

15. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

16. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic and they multiply even faster than rabbits.

17. Coldbeer is one word.

18. People actually grow and eat Okra - - and what's more, they like it.

19. Texans really don't have an accent - it's the rest of the world that talks funny.

20. When the world ends, only cockroaches and mesquite trees will survive.

21. Green grass DOES burn, as does your skin if you don't run fast enough to the next shade tree.

22. When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night.... Cats come and go as they please.

23. The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first couple of weeks. After that, you don't even notice them anymore.

24. When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to go to the doctor.

25. A tank is a dirt hole in the ground that holds water for irrigation and is drinkable to most of the livestock. And the Fish and Game Dept. will help you stock them and then they make good fishin' and swimmin' holes too.

26. "Bakards and Forards" means I know everything about a subject or the way to go if you're giving directions.

27. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see. Then you get up the next morning before it's light enough to see, and start over.

28. Opossum is pronounced "possum" and resembles a big hairless rat.

29. "Fixnto" is one word - - and probably one of the most used words in the true Texan's vocabulary.

moonpie · Post by **moonpie** » Sat Jan 16, 2010 9:17 pm

Love it, Hoppy, I lived in TX for approx 15 years, and I would have to say you are 98% right on most of them - Pecan is pronouced Peacahn - not pecan. Anyways, good on your effort, and brought back a lot of good memories. TKS!

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Sat Jan 16, 2010 10:24 pm

moonpie;1282815 wrote: Love it, Hoppy, I lived in TX for approx 15 years, and I would have to say you are 98% right on most of them - Pecan is pronouced Peacahn - not pecan. Anyways, good on your effort, and brought back a lot of good memories. TKS!

Glad you liked it.

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:34 am

chuckle. Sounds a lot like Australia.

I have an old acquaintance lives in Texas. He moved there for the Assault Rifles. (True story)

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:00 pm

Clodhopper;1282852 wrote: chuckle. Sounds a lot like Australia.

Except we don't have coyotes, armadillos, roadrunners, raccoons, mesquite trees, p'cawns, 6 seasons, okra, buzzards - and don't talk funny, nor are we fixn2.

Don't have them long horned cattle, long necked beers, a bunch of caddies buried in a field, nodding donkeys in every yard, twisters and fifty pound steaks either.

Ahso! · Post by **Ahso!** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:12 pm

AussiePam;1282905 wrote: Except we don't have coyotes, armadillos, roadrunners, raccoons, mesquite trees, p'cawns, 6 seasons, okra, buzzards - and don't talk funny, nor are we fixn2.

Don't have them long horned cattle, long necked beers, a bunch of caddies buried in a field, nodding donkeys in every yard, twisters and fifty pound steaks either.close enough!

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 12:25 pm

It's the snakes and spiders, the way everyone talks funny, dozens if not thousands of deeply improbable animals and unlikely people who live 40,000,000 miles from the nearest known life, the lager you call beer, weather ranging from deeply hostile to nuclear first strike and you've both got Possums, possum.

Texralia, anyone?:D

Tan · Post by **Tan** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:14 pm

That was awesome

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 5:55 pm

Clodhopper;1282908 wrote: It's the snakes and spiders, the way everyone talks funny, dozens if not thousands of deeply improbable animals and unlikely people who live 40,000,000 miles from the nearest known life, the lager you call beer, weather ranging from deeply hostile to nuclear first strike and you've both got Possums, possum.

Texralia, anyone?:D

Oh yes, I forgot about all the bitey critters... sharks, crocs, koala bears, tasmanian tigers, redbacks in the dunny, rampant ferocious snakes, ghastly spiders, blue ringed octopus, goannas, fairy penguins, box jellyfish, weaselly wombats, sea serpents, sulphur crested cockies that'll take yer finger off as soon as look at you, the Lake Eyre monster, snow bunnies and crazed, carnivorous gum trees...

I'm emigrating immediately...

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 6:50 pm

Aussiepam becomes a Texan.....

Oh please.

Am I deeply sick, or just perverted?

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:32 pm

1. Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

2. Roadrunners don't say "Beep Beep".:yh_rotfl

3. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas and probably a half dozen species or more in your own backyard.

4. There are 10,000 types of spiders. 10,001 live in Texas.

5. Armadillos love to dig holes under all bedding plants.:sneaky:

6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.:wah:

7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.:-5:-5

wow, Hoppy you've seen it all.

Odie · Post by **Odie** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:33 pm

22. When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate in the middle of the night...

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Sun Jan 17, 2010 7:51 pm

Clodhopper;1283016 wrote: Aussiepam becomes a Texan.....

Oh please.

Am I deeply sick, or just perverted?

You want that I should wear a pretty pink gingham dress with lace, drawl, and smile coyly when some big behatted and bebooted bloke says 'Howdy ma'am' to me ?????

I've actually had some fun times in Texas. Never quite got to taste possum on the half shell, and never attempted the Amarillo steak (one ordinary Texan steak feeds ten Aussies anyway). I gotta find the pic of the caddys in the field.... Did once just about outrun a twister the heck back into Oklahoma where I came from.... one of the scariest moments ever...

Clodhopper · Post by **Clodhopper** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:18 am

You want that I should wear a pretty pink gingham dress with lace, drawl, and smile coyly when some big behatted and bebooted bloke says 'Howdy ma'am' to me ?????

It was the rection to said greeting I was thinking of.

(Scene cuts to other side of town. Terrified men are leaping a-horse and hurtling out into the desert, mesquite, raccoons, spiders and snakes pursued by this voice: "...and don't *^%$%^* come back until you've learned how to address a ****ing Lady!")

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:32 am

Ian;1283053 wrote: Texas is hell on Earth, the capitol punishment heaven.

you are backwards and Hoppy you represent this well.

You assume I give a rat's a$$ what you think:yh_rotfl

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:10 am

You know, of course, that we New Mexicans consider ourselves "at war" with Texas, right Hoppy? Ever since you guys threw that dynamite over our border?

Oh, and sorry about lighting it and throwing it back!:D

hoppy · Post by **hoppy** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:17 am

Saint_;1283149 wrote: You know, of course, that we New Mexicans consider ourselves "at war" with Texas, right Hoppy? Ever since you guys threw that dynamite over our border?

Oh, and sorry about lighting it and throwing it back!:D

Hey, I'm not a Texan. I was born and raised in the mid west.

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:19 am

hoppy;1283152 wrote: Hey, I'm not a Texan. I was born and raised in the mid west.

Oh, well that's different! I'll consider you a "hostage" then!:wah:

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Mon Jan 18, 2010 4:28 pm

I lived in Texas for a few years.

The trees are too short and the sky is too big.