Koan's notes on the OT: Book 5 - Deuteronomy

[koan]

previous required reading:

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/chris ... nesis.html

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/chris ... xodus.html

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/chris ... ticus.html

http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/chris ... mbers.html

Deuteronomy 1

We'll have to assume that Moses got better at public speaking. Deuteronomy is pretty much a summary book in which Moses makes three big sermons then dies. I prefer to think that he acted out the story like a Shakespearean dumb play then sauntered into the mountains and collapsed but that is sheer silly dramatic invention. It makes for a good visual though... if only I could show you what I see.

Onwards.

Or rather, backwards.

Moses tries to explain why it took them forty years to make an eleven day trip. He reminds them that he begged for death under the burden they were to him but they did, from time to time, tell him he was doing a good job. When they blame him for their problems, God punishes them and when they do as they are told, God rewards them. Just have a little faith and it all works out.

There is a little fudging in the story to say God led them through the wilderness when we know it was the pagan brother in law... "God" is short for Hobab, it was later changed to "Bob" to avoid confusion.

Moses points out that all their whining got him in trouble with God so now he can't even see the Holy Land and it's pretty much all their fault. Joshua is taking over and they better do what God tells Joshua to tell them to do or they'll keep getting smote.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 2

Next we hear a dubious explanation as to why they had to pick and choose who to pick on. "Moabites" are supposedly descendants of Lot (he of the two daughters who got him drunk and raped him) but we will hear of lots of Moabites biting the big one later on. "Edomites" are descendants of Esau so also off bounds. The giants that God failed to obliterate are of two races called "Ekites" as well as "Anakites" collectively refered to as "Rephaites". The "Ammonites" are also descendants of Lot and not to be confused with the "Amorites" who are someone the Israelites are finally allowed to attack. Most of the land on that side of the Jordan is already given away though so it's obviously not the Promised Land. I, therefore, have no idea why they attack anyone at all as they have not arrived in the Not Already Given Away Land. Good practice, I suppose.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 3

Moses reminisces about how they slaughtered all the men, women and children of Og. Nice to see he's clear on what makes for a warm and fuzzy. Apparently that includes genocide.

The conquered land is sort of an add-on to the Promised Land which he granted to two and half tribes who rather like the annex in lieu of whatever happens later. Moses is pretty excited that they're building a name of fear and begs the Lord to let him see more but, alas, God is too pissed about the water from a rock thing. If I were Moses I'd point out that it wouldn't have happened if He'd actually given them no need of want, like he claims. Really, how can God say that when obviously the people wanted some frickin' water.

Anyway, Moses is much more aware of how dangerous it is to argue with God than I am. And, if he thinks of it, it's probably a comfort to just be done with all that crap and let Joshua take all the heat from now on. Good explanations are not easy to come by.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 4

Moses acknowledges that there are a lot of rules but assures the people that everyone will eventually think it's really cool. God showed them a volcano and there aren't a lot of people who can say they've seen that and survived. Following one God isn't boring, it's a good choice. Focus.

Why be slaves to other people's gods when they've got their own God with so many rules no one else will ever dare take Him away? Results, people! Maybe a bunch of us got smote and we didn't win every battle but there are a few people really afraid of us now and that's pretty good for folks that used to be slaves. Stick-to-it-iveness. That's the key.

Next we'll review the rules. Again.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 5

Yadda, yadda, 10 commandments, yadda.

And God really liked when you were afraid of Him. Keep it up.

Deuteronomy 6

Yadda, God gets jealous, yadda, tell your kids not to ignore the yadda even though it may seem stupid at times.

Deuteronomy 7

Don't breed with the pagans, yadda, Kill them all... um... yadda. Detest them, burn them, erase them. Yadda.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 8

I know it sounds like yadda but if you don't follow my rules you'll die so... YADDA!

I can give you good things or pain and suffering: you decide.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 9

Alright! So, we're ready to cross the Jordan. Everybody have a buddy?

Now keep in mind, God isn't giving you this land because you're good, He's giving it to you because the other people suck worse. Ever hear of “the lesser of two evils?” We're inventing it now.

Remember all those time you crossed Him? The only reason we haven't all been smote already is because Moses convinced God he'd look bad if we didn't get what we came for.

It's not a very peppy pep talk.

[Ted]

koan

I love it. All that smiting and stuff. LOL:

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

Deuteronomy 10

Recounting how Moses spent 40 days and nights re-chiseling the entire set of slabs of Commandments but all the people had to do was follow them. Is that so much to ask?

All God wants is some healthy fear of Him, a little love and a lot of servitude. He is great, mighty, and awesome. Aside from choosing you as his favourites, He shows no partiality and, aside from being begged... and that time Abraham whittled him down from complete destruction of Sodom, He can't be bribed. He shows love to foreigners and, aside from the imminent slaughter of many strangers at His command, we should show love to foreigners too. If you get confused about what He wants, just be fearful and it should work out... except for when you need to trust Him without fear.

Come to think of it, just do what Joshua tells you, keeps your mouths shut and be happy you're not dead already. That truly is a miracle.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 11

Moses reminds the people of the awesome tricks they've seen, though due to some of God's magnificent smiting, most of those witnesses aren't actually here to verify what happened.

“Which reminds me, have I told you the rules of how to avoid getting smote?”

“Yes!!”

“Oh, just checking.”

“We know!”

“The part about not worshipping other gods?”

“Yes!!”

“Well, then why do you keep doing it? And don't yell at me, I'm just the messenger. Also... Jebsubah.... Jeb! Are you sleeping?”

“No, my eyes were just tired.”

“I'm just saying you can have the land or you can not have the land, so if you want to fall asleep then... ”

[koan]

Ted;1342743 wrote: koan

I love it. All that smiting and stuff. LOL:

Shalom

Ted


I wish I could take credit for the plot line. I'd never have thought of smiting so many and getting away with it.

Guess it's kind of like a Shakespearean tragedy. He stole the 'then everyone dies' bit from the bible.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 12

God grants some lenience towards their current lack of respect for the rules since He hasn't actually given them their land yet but promises that there will be 'no more Mr. Nice Guy' after they cross the Jordan. Also, he wants to pick the spots for all the altars so don't think they can stick Him with some old, worn out pagan altar from the pillage.

Finally, curiosity killed the cat so He warns them to not go asking their captives for tricks of the trade on burnt offerings. Should be easy to avoid since they're supposed to kill and burn everything in sight and dead pagans don't talk.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 13

The value of stoning first and asking questions later is highly underrated when it comes to idolatry. Doesn't matter if it's your mother, brother or child, if they try to talk you into checking out another god option you should kill them quickly and thoroughly. Then let the rest of the tribe kill them when you're done.

If it's another tribe that's lost their way and try to talk you into following the pagan path, it's probably a good idea to be sure before you slaughter the whole town but, if they're truly evil then give them a swift smiting.

Despite God's use of stunning special effects to convince you that He's legit, if some other prophet tries to woo you with magic tricks or actually being able to predict the future... kill him. Unless he's getting the visions and tricks from the real God. Which is the one God whose name is on record and if you're not sure ask your local Levite priest.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 14

A review of what animals should be considered tasty and which ones will bring on untimely death.

Next, the first socialist tax system is described. Tithes on surplus of crop production, where it should be taken, and who should receive it for benefit. I was under the faulty impression that people back then already shared their surplus with each other. Guess I should have known better based on all the tort law God already had to create.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 15

Ever wonder why bankruptcy lasts seven years? It's in the bible. They only changed that it's seven years from declaration and not just till the next year of Jubilee. I'm guessing there were a lot of broken legs in the last year before the Jubilee.

Same goes for slaves. Let them go and just be happy you had them at all. You can keep a slave that loves you too much to leave but... do you really want someone like that? Drive a hole in their ear to remind them daily how stupid they were.

More stuff about sacrificing firstborn animals but, if they have a defect they aren't wanted so, I'm thinking a few people found themselves explaining mid chew that the beast had a mole in its armpit.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 16

A review of various Holy days and festivals that involve lots of sevens. Seven days, seven weeks, seven days. Seven is a pretty special number. Also a reminder that there is the right place as well as the right time for Holy events.

Apparently Ba'al isn't the only pagan god that is a problem. His consort, Asherah, has a pagan pole that is to be avoided. Goddess worship: big no-no. The term “Mother Earth” is just a phrase, people.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 17

Apparently there is a glitch in the 'instantly stone idolaters' rule. Now we need at least two or three witnesses. Not sure why God couldn't decide on two or three. Regardless, too many people were being conveniently stoned. A supreme court is defined but there is, at this point, no right of appeal. Objectors to the supreme verdict will be stoned.

Also, you may notice that other nations have kings and, despite them being despicable to God, you might think it's kind of cool. If you choose to have a king, he's gotta be Israelite and don't let him get too many possessions or wives. A well sexed man has less fear of God. If he asks for horses from Egypt you picked the wrong guy.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 18

Don't call Levites moochers. They weren't given any land so you are all responsible for feeding them. They don't have to work the land but they work the Lord, and that's got to be at least ten times more annoying, so hand it over.

Don't get sucked in by the cool customs and sorcery of the pagans. You have your own prophets and, even though God acknowledged that false prophets might get prediction right, you can tell the difference because true prophets will get it right and tell you they speak in God's name.

I think He should have given a more detailed description of the false prophet.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 19

There is some concern that a vigilante might chase down their victim before they can get to a city of refuge so it's decreed that at least three refuges will be built. Because sometimes an ax is just made poorly. If the judges decide the ax was, in fact, perfectly fine, they will send the murderer back to be dealt with.

No moving property fences when you think no one is looking.

A codicil to the needing two or three witnesses; if a witness is hostile to the accused and it's discovered they accused maliciously then they shall suffer the death sentence they sought to impose. Take that, you conniving bastard!

Not that this is likely to happen among God's chosen people.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 20

Actually, Monty Python sums it up pretty well in this little piece:



alright, hard to beat that, but... this chapter is about relieving potential soldiers from going off to war if they have any of a number of unfinished other business to attend to. If they are even a little apprehensive about war they should be let go so as not to frighten the other men.

They are not barbarians so the residents of an about to be sieged village should be given options: become their slaves or die. If option two is selected, the women and children can be kept as plunder. The options only apply to distant towns not part of the Promised Land. Anyone on the Promised Land has the one 'die' option only. Don't spare the women or children as they are likely to tempt with their pagan ways. The pagan ways of the distant plunder people is somehow less worrisome.

God would have made more sense if He'd left out the attempt at an explanation. "Because I said so" would have sufficed.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 21

This one's kind of fun.

If a dead body turns up and foul play is suspected, pace out what the nearest town is, take one of their cows and break its neck over a stream, then have the elders of the town wash their hands over the dead cow saying “It wasn't I.” Then the town will be absolved from guilt and one more cow will be dead. I bet the cows are glad we raise a hand and swear over the bible now. Cow vote: Yay bible. On the other hand, it's kind of disturbing that the bible is a substitute for a dead cow.

If you fall in love with a captive woman (plunder... see last chapter) you can marry her after giving her a month to mourn having her people slaughtered. But if you decide you don't like her you can't turn her into a slave, you have to let her go free. So the captured married woman can go back to being just a captured woman.

Despite all the Chosen People being descendants of Jacob instead of his older brother, Esau, and then Joseph, the second youngest, and Levi, the third born, getting all favoured... God demands that the firstborns will always get the bigger inheritance even if the man likes another wife better. Mind you, if a child is a belligerent drunk God orders that they be stoned to death after the parent's complaint, so it's possible a guy could have his less favourite sons stoned out of their inheritance.

I'm always wary of how good intentioned laws can go wrong.

Final note: don't leave dead guys hanging from trees.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 22

I like the way “cross dressing is detestable” is thrown into the middle of good Samaritan rules. Also, they have to put railings around their roof to prevent being a murderer if someone falls from it. I find it a bit of a stretch to hold someone responsible for another a) getting up on their roof and b) being clumsy. If the person falls from the roof onto the house owner, killing him, which one was the murderer? Or was it just divine justice?

Then God gets all OCD. You can't hitch an ox and a donkey together to plow, you can't wear wool and linen together, you have to put four tassels on your cloak hems. Yeah, okay, ... ya freak.

Virginity is important. If a woman claims to be a virgin when she marries she'd better make sure there's blood on a bed sheet somewhere to prove it if her hubby ever claims she wasn't. Lying about virginity results in stoning. If a guy has sex with an engaged woman in town then they both get stoned to death. If it happens out of town they assume she screamed but no one could hear so only the guy gets stoned. If the woman isn't engaged, she is now.

Don't sleep with your father's ex, it's rude.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 23

God doesn't want in his temple: men with damaged genitals, illegitimate children for ten generations, Ammonites or Moabites for ten generations (this one kind of bites them in the butt with David), Edomites and Egyptians are okay after three generations.

We get the explanation here as to why Balaam was a bad man... but you kind of have to forget that God was telling Balaam what to do to buy it.

A reminder to those at war that God doesn't want to see evidence of their bodily functions.

Income from prostitution is tax free. You can only charge interest on loans to foreigners. You can refrain from making vows to God but if you do make one you must, unlike Him, fulfil the promise quickly. It's not stealing if you pick your neighbours crops by hand and eat them on the spot instead of taking them away.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 24

You can't remarry a woman you send away. It's just stupid let alone that God doesn't like it.

Take skin disease seriously. Remember Marion? God afflicted her, cured her but then she died. Come to think of it, this isn't a good example.

Regarding securities for loans: Don't take someone's tools of livelihood so they can't repay you, don't take the clothes off anyone's back, and don't go in and take the security item yourself, wait patiently for it to be brought out. In other words, don't be greedy bastards.

If a parent sins or a child sins, make sure you kill the right person.

Be good to the poor: Pay labourers at the end of each day. If you've got so much produce you forget some, leave it for the needy. Shake each tree or vine once and be happy with whatever falls. There's no point letting people pick and eat on the spot from a neighbours field if the fields are all empty.

[spot]

koan;1343151 wrote: Also, they have to put railings around their roof to prevent being a murderer if someone falls from it. I find it a bit of a stretch to hold someone responsible for another a) getting up on their roof and b) being clumsy. If the person falls from the roof onto the house owner, killing him, which one was the murderer? Or was it just divine justice? This one got stretched during Medieval times to practically breaking point. At least, I reckon it was from here, I don't know any alternative authority. It's became known as the law of deodand. Anything at all which is involved in an accidental death is deodand. Which means forfeit to the State. If a tree falls and kills someone then the tree is deodand and the court gets to decide what happens to the wood (which means in practice that they pocket the value when it's sold). Someone gets run over by a horse and cart? The horse and cart are deodand. Crushed against the dockside by a boat? There goes the boat. The law was finally changed in 1847 after a coroner attempted to declare a railway train deodand after it killed people in a crash. That might have been the same year when the courts stopped prosecuting animals too.

[koan]

They must have forgot that God does a lot of smiting and, since He is incorporeal, He needs to find implements of destruction from somewhere. Sometimes it's just easier to have a tree fall than to open up a hole in the ground just to deal with one pagan.

[Ted]

Adultery is an interesting one. At the time of Jesus if a married man went out and had sex with an unmarried non virgin it was not considered adultery. Jewish Encyclopedia. Polygamy was also practiced at that time. Imagine Solomon with 700!!!

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

yeah, I thought the prohibition was just on coveting your neighbour's wife.

[Ted]

koan

I can't remember which of the three threads it was in but on scientists. Neuroscientist Mario Beauregard at Montreal U. has attacked Dawkins on his science and so has multidisciplinary scientist Alister McGrath, historian molecular biophysics.

Additional scientists of faith include, F. Collins head of the human genome project, Paul Davies theoretical physicist, Arthur Peacock physical biochemist, Burch a biologist, and others.

Not meant to prove anything other than men of science can also be men and women of faith.

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

Ted;1343224 wrote: koan

I can't remember which of the three threads it was in but on scientists. Neuroscientist Mario Beauregard at Montreal U. has attacked Dawkins on his science and so has multidisciplinary scientist Alister McGrath, historian molecular biophysics.

Additional scientists of faith include, F. Collins head of the human genome project, Paul Davies theoretical physicist, Arthur Peacock physical biochemist, Burch a biologist, and others.

Not meant to prove anything other than men of science can also be men and women of faith.

Shalom

Ted
oooh. cool. I'll be looking them up tonight. Thanks

I think it was in the "truthfulness of the bible" thread

[koan]

Deuteronomy 25

Warning against excessive lashings for a crime. Forty is the max because forty-one would be humiliating. If they need more than that they should probably be stoned instead.

Having babies is important enough that it is declared a brother must reproduce with his brother's widow if she finds herself in that state without an heir to continue the name of the deceased. If the brother refuses, the widow gets to spit in his face and take one of his shoes. I'd wait until he was wearing his Armanis to make it sting more.

If a husband is in a fist fight and starts losing, the women aren't allowed to jump in and grab the other fighter's nuts. Punishment for ball grabbers is loss of the guilty hand. I wonder if this rule came about before or after the first sack attack.

A warning against fudging the scales in business. Yeah, we know you're doing it.

Almost as an afterthought, God tells them to kill all Amalekites a little bit more thoroughly than they kill the other pagan squatters. Once they're done waiting for Moses to die, that is.

[Ted]

sack attack. yuck that sounds rather painful.

There's those damned ". . .ites" again.

I suppose that means they should be a tad more than just a little be dead. LOL

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

Painful enough to make it into the rules. :p

Deuteronomy 26

God, who is also stuck waiting for Moses to die, decides how He wants the people to word their affirmations. As the wording changes depending what version you read it's probably just as well if you come up with your own version now as long as it contains the bits about God being strong, great, fearsome, awesome and generous.

I rather like the King James wording: “And the LORD hath avouched thee this day to be his peculiar people, “

Peculiar, indeed.

[Ted]

"avouched" !!!!!

Damn those big words.

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

Ted;1343671 wrote: "avouched" !!!!!

Damn those big words.

Shalom

Ted


lol

the specific version one uses can make all the difference in how one understands the story... or doesn't.

Of course, translating "young lady" as "virgin" can have a pretty big impact on a lot of people.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 27

More talk of the milk and honey land and what to do when they get there. I just want to mention that, since the first time I heard that description I've thought about how much I dislike milk (being somewhat lactose intolerant) and, though I like honey, I keep getting the taste of honey mixed into milk every time I read it... and for some reason it makes me think of pablum. Ugh. I realize it's just me but, I wanted to share my pain. I wish it was the land of orange juice and toast.

Having said all that, God follows with “Shut up and sit down.”

I'm very, very sorry, and I apologize unreservedly.

God announces all the reasons a person will be cursed. And, excitingly, introduces the word “Amen” as an echo from the crowd. I won't bother listing the current curses as it's a bit of a pick and choose from what we've already heard. To really be wise, we'll have to come up with a “dos and don'ts” summary as a separate quick reference when all is said and done.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 28

One of the ways God promises to bless the people is to cause their enemies to rise up against them so that they can be smote. I don't think I'm the only one who is missing Genesis and Exodus when God used to do His own smiting. Is this because He promised Noah not to flood the world again? Because He was still smiting places like Sodom after that. Did He just slowly wean Himself from the bad habit?

There is a list of all the stuff that can happen to make you feel like your life is big pile of dung. These are the things that will not only happen if the people don't follow God's rules, but are bound to happen because the people have shown a consistent inability to follow God's rules for an extended time period. So, if you like foreshadowing as I do, this is all the pile of dung stuff about to happen to all the people in the near future and intermittently forever after.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 29

God tries to claim that He's provided for all the needs of the people again. Moses being banned from the Holy Land for giving them water is a bit of a testament against that but we should allow that He has also given land that wasn't really promised to two and a half tribes who received land in advance that they weren't really supposed to get at the price of a negotiation which admits they haven't gotten it no strings attached because it's not really part of the deal. So, basically, God blows a little smoke up their butts to try and get an agreeable crowd.

He cautions that if they find themselves struck with smiting type problems like plagues or fire and brimstone, they can be sure it's because they've angered God with their pagan ways. Avoiding His plagues is like a big secret that He's letting them in on. They should not ask why they have to fight the pagans instead of standing back, munching on manna bread and just watching the pagans die from God inspired natural disasters.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 30

What is this about God circumcising hearts? Are genitalia not enough for Him anymore? Does he want both circumcised or is He switching? This is important because a lot of men could have saved a bit of childhood traumatizing if that's the case. Also, this is the first mention of heaven and it's a bit under detailed. He says they will be rescued if driven to the outermost parts of heaven, as if they know what that is and might have been worried about it. Koan's tips: if you want people to be afraid of not being in heaven proper You should tell them what it is first.

God claims that He is setting life and good vs death and evil before the people for the first time but we all know that He set it before Adam and Eve and the matter has already been decided.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 31

God rewrites recent history a bit by claiming He smote the bad guys on this side of the Jordan. Unless Him smiting them means He made them think they were going to win when the Israelites actually had the stronger sword play and did all the work and lost a few good fighters while engaged in the battle of fighting God's battle for Him. If I was a widow in the camp I'd be a little pissed at the definition of who did the killing.

Then Moses inducts Joshua into leadership saying “thou shalt cause them to inherit it.” Hey, wait a second, didn't God just say He was going to cause them to do that?

Oh, okay, it's a little more complex. God, and everyone else, knows that the people will turn from Him again and that all those dung pile problems are going to become a reality so he asks Moses to write a song to commemorate not only the people's undeterrable evil but the fact that it was undeterrable. Instead of wondering why it is God gave me another reason to write a rap song, we could wonder why it is He bothered to promise them what He knew he'd end up taking away again. Even if you choose to wonder the second option, you'll still be subjected to another rap song... because no one has asked why someone who can't speak has bothered to try and sing twice now.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 32

Moses' God Rap

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;

these things you'd have if you'd kept on your mittens.

But you keep touching people God said are off bounds

so your milk and your honey are on shaky grounds.

Stop blocking God's stalking,

'cuz opportunity wasn't quite knocking

while you were clocking hours with Egyptians mocking

no doors were unlocking until God started shocking.

Boats started rocking then you all started flocking.

But, at the first sign of calm, your souls you were hocking.

False gods and facades got your nods

while Moses and Aaron waved rods to defy odds.

Keeping God's wrath at bay while the people betray,

forgetting to pray, acting gay, then feigning dismayed at the way

God replayed His plague wave when you couldn't obey

a simple rule like taking a rest day.

You got the world at your feet, ain't it sweet

pagans take heat while you cheat, eat wrong meat,

and compete in deceit for the best wheat

replete with a incomplete time sheet.

Your dues ain't paid, God ain't swayed,

He'd trade and upgrade if your sin outweighed

the good you've obeyed 'cuz He ain't afraid

To call a damned spade a spade.

So listen up, before I die. Why I still care, I don't know why.

But nothin' I've said is a lie, though I was shy

my tongue sometimes tied, I stand by my ally, Yahweh, the tough guy.

I hate to assume that you're all doomed but

My last advice is think twice before bedding up with a pagan vice.

I'd save my last breath for my long awaited death

but I've got one more chapter of verse, I'll keep it terse,

then I'm done with it all, conquer or fall,

I've graduated this class, if you fail I still pass

So you can all kiss my ass.

[spot]

You really are good at those. It's a great summary each time and on top of that the beat's pretty well perfect. The more the better.

[Ted]

Agreed

Shalom

Ted

[koan]

Trying to make the bible more accessible to modern times can be a lot of fun at the same time. Must admit I particularly enjoy the rap parts.

Don't think I'm going to get the rest of it done till tomorrow night, ran out of time. It's going to be Moses' last chance to say whatever else is on his mind though so I want to do it right.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 33

Moses God Rap II

I know that my blessings can sound like a curse

so I tried to rehearse but the verse kept sounding worse.

Let's go back in our mind's eye to the time on Mount Sinai,

when God blew smoke sky high and we made sacrificial stir fry.

I got tired of hearing all of you cry, wanted to die,

but God heard me sigh and pulled a mooner on a pass by.

Now don't whine to me saying God ain't given us squat!

We got the rules He taught on the stone slabs I wrought,

and won some of the battles we fought on a long shot fail not.

In case you forgot what your loyalty bought,

let me remind you who's who, and what it gets you

if you follow through and don't misconstrue what's due.

Except for the Levites, who achieved higher heights,

they all alone get nowhere to call their own,

though they guard God's throne. But they shouldn't moan

cuz when trouble befalls He gave them two Magic 8 Balls.

Otherwise, you all get land, ain't it grand? Don't try to understand

how a tribe can be banned, on the one hand

break God's command, be reprimand, then stand

to inherit some prime Promised Land.

But we have to expound on the facts of the ground,

and some details unsound were found so some yarn was wound

around the preacher's mound trying to make it sound profound.

It really just explains what's found on the maps that were around.

But don't get too caught up in facts, or worry about land tracts.

When the tales wax of our hijacks you'll forget about the sin tax

Just don't ask how it was God that struck the fear far and near

while the record of attacks show it was your boots in the enemies' backs.

[koan]

Deuteronomy 34

Moses dies. How's that for a big finish?

Oh, he passes special powers over to Joshua through the laying on of hands and the passing of Holy spiritual possession... but it's made known that there has never been a prophet like Moses again; who talked to Him face to face and got to see His butt once.

[spot]

And no mention of gritted teeth on the part of the wanderers? The way Deuteronomy finishes reminds me of The Sing-Song of Old Man Kangaroo, So they were left in the middle of Australia, Old Man Kangaroo and Yellow-Dog Dingo, and each said, 'That's your fault', except nobody dare quite say it. They'd had the lust for the fleshpots well and truly burned out of them though.

Great paraphrasing, koan. Press on, let the bloodbath begin.

[koan]

spot;1343999 wrote: And no mention of gritted teeth on the part of the wanderers? The way Deuteronomy finishes reminds me of The Sing-Song of Old Man Kangaroo, So they were left in the middle of Australia, Old Man Kangaroo and Yellow-Dog Dingo, and each said, 'That's your fault', except nobody dare quite say it. They'd had the lust for the fleshpots well and truly burned out of them though.

Great paraphrasing, koan. Press on, let the bloodbath begin.


Hmmm. I might be able to work "that's your fault" into the verse about the stones being wrought.

Admittedly, some of the paraphrasing was helped out by having read ahead into the bloodbath section. I'm not doing a chapter summary as the rap song was pretty much the summary. I apologize for my apparent preoccupation with the mooning incident.

[koan]

I hope God gives me more reasons to write Holy Rap. Though I can see why He'd deny me, seeing as I feel so much pride in the accomplishment. :p

[koan]

Every time I see the name Deuteronomy I start singing that song from Cats.