GENDERS OF NON-LIVING THINGS
>>
>> Some non-living things have a gender; for example...
>> 1. Ziploc Bags -- are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can
>> see right through them.
>>
>> 2. Copiers -- are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
>> warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
>> buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
>>
>> 3. Tires -- are Male, because they go bald and are often
>> over-inflated.
>>
>> 4. Hot Air Balloons -- are Male, because, to get them to go anywhere, you
>> have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
>>
>> 5. Sponges -- are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
>> water.
>>
>> 6. Web Pages -- are Female, because they're always getting hit on.
>>
>> 7. Subways - - are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick up
>> people.
>>
>> 8. Hourglasses -- are Female, because over the course of time their
>> weight shifts to the bottom.
>>
>> 9. Hammers -- are Male, because they haven't changed much in the last
>> 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.
>>
>> 10. Remote Controls -- are Female. Ha! You thought they'd be male.
>> However, consider this -- it gives a man great pleasure, he'd be lost
>> without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
>> he keeps trying.
>>
>>
>>
funnies
funnies
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
-
chrisb84uk
- Posts: 11634
- Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2005 6:29 am
funnies
Hahaha very good Minks. How do you guys come up with some of this material!!
funnies
chrisb84uk wrote: Hahaha very good Minks. How do you guys come up with some of this material!!
secret time, I get em in email, I have a couple others for today too good day for email laughs. Stay tuned
secret time, I get em in email, I have a couple others for today too good day for email laughs. Stay tuned
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
funnies
PMS
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
.......and my favorite one..
13.Potential Murder Suspect
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
4.Puffy Mid-Section
5.People Make me Sick
6.ProvideMe withSweets
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
.......and my favorite one..
13.Potential Murder Suspect
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
funnies
30 Years Difference:
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable TV.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair
1974: KEG
2004: EKG
1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux
1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm
1974: Trying to look like Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Liz Taylor
1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage
1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM
1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones
1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable TV.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
-
chrisb84uk
- Posts: 11634
- Joined: Wed Aug 10, 2005 6:29 am
funnies
:wah: Hahaha another good one Minks. You know you're on fire at the moment, someone should put u out before u get hurt!! 
funnies
hehehehe well ya know... when your hot your hot
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
-
Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
funnies
Love those, Minks!
Toilets are neither masculine or feminine, they're canine. Like man's best friend, they take all your crap and never complain.
Computers are feminine. They remember everything ... everything. You just have to know the right code to access it.
Bottle rockets are definitely male. They go off pretty easily, but are harmless if handled properly. Of course, if they go off in a crowd of other bottle rockets, watch out!
Toilets are neither masculine or feminine, they're canine. Like man's best friend, they take all your crap and never complain.
Computers are feminine. They remember everything ... everything. You just have to know the right code to access it.
Bottle rockets are definitely male. They go off pretty easily, but are harmless if handled properly. Of course, if they go off in a crowd of other bottle rockets, watch out!
funnies
i guess i would be the quintessential hammer
or brick
HA!
or brick
HA!
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.
funnies
Things to do in an Elevator!
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
Cars 
funnies
Some strange observations:
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where's the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, are tests testicals?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure it is?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where's the bathroom?
13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
14. If quizzes are quizzical, are tests testicals?
15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure it is?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Cars
-
nvalleyvee
- Posts: 5191
- Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2005 8:57 am
funnies
Where do I begin to abscond with the funny stuff. You all have to realize it is going across to many many cousins.........how much FUN!!!!!!!!!!
The growth of knowledge depends entirely on disagreement..........Karl R. Popper
-
Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
funnies
#17. Why do we push past the people waiting on the elevator and push the up button ourselves? Do you really think they all forgot?
-
LottomagicZ4941
- Posts: 752
- Joined: Wed Oct 06, 2004 12:00 pm
funnies
Great Sig Lines
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bureaucracy. Love it or fill out an extraction form in triplicate and submit through proper channels for permission to leave it!
found on
http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9448
and also in the above post
"If we all fought fire with fire, the world would go up in flames.
Splash water instead "
"The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong."
found on
http://com5.runboard.com/bmusicandnerdi ... uctions.t7
We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do
Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"...Dr. Seuss
found on http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showt ... #post81986
Almost started a thread here on great sig lines but figured it fits in with the funny stuff posted in this thread.
Lotto
http://com4.runboard.com/blifetheuniver ... inchat.t42
MagicZ4941A
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bureaucracy. Love it or fill out an extraction form in triplicate and submit through proper channels for permission to leave it!
found on
http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9448
and also in the above post
"If we all fought fire with fire, the world would go up in flames.
Splash water instead "
"The difference between an amateur and a professional: the amateur practises until it's right; the professional practises until it never goes wrong."
found on
http://com5.runboard.com/bmusicandnerdi ... uctions.t7
We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do
Be who you are & say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"...Dr. Seuss
found on http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showt ... #post81986
Almost started a thread here on great sig lines but figured it fits in with the funny stuff posted in this thread.
Lotto
http://com4.runboard.com/blifetheuniver ... inchat.t42
MagicZ4941A
-
Accountable
- Posts: 24818
- Joined: Mon May 30, 2005 8:33 am
funnies
Thanks, Lotto! :yh_blush