Kids and Divorce

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:27 am

Of course it is!

My younger brother got divorced this spring. He has the girls every other week and his ex has them the other week. At this stage, his girls think that everyday with dad is full of stuff while mom never does anything with them. Sad, but true. But it was true before the divorce.

Be the same dad you were before, offer them safety and stability and let the ex start the fights. Be sure to be as honest with them as you can be and they will always know that they can count on you to be there for them.

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:06 am

anewlife wrote: Do any of you have an idea of the type of relationship you can have with your kids after divorce? I will be seeing them 1/2 of the time and will be there to do as much as possible with them, but i will miss the other 1/2 of their life...is it possible to have a strong father/son father/daughter relationship?

Hey stranger, good to see you. Well the relationship you have with your kids after divorce is 100% up to you. It is as good or as bad as you make it cause your kids are young so that leaves the building of a relationship up to you. Be the best dad you can be. Enjoy them love them, guide them and assure them you will always be their only dad. And you will be just fine, You won't miss what you think you will if you see your kids regularly, they will want to share with you all their highlights so don't worry there.

The key is be there for them, always phone, ask them for their schedules as they get older so you know when school concerts are, report cards, special events etc. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to take the initiative to be in their lives for the rest of your life. I stress this because I am at the opposite end with my girls, their father does NOTHING with or for them, granted they are teens, and girls and the relationship is more geared to moms and daughters, BUT,,,, a dad is still important and their dad is a dead beat, DO NOT Be one of them.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 3:12 pm

My childrens father has a better relationship with them now than he did when he lived here. He lives 600km away but calls them emails them, he only sees them twice a year, but they always have a great time with him.

I never speak badly about him to the kids, as that is really damaging to the child relationship with the other parent. My sister always used to say to her daughter, he is a really good father but was'nt a very good husband. I learned from her.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Mon Oct 17, 2005 8:29 pm

newlife, don't forget that just because it is ex's week to have the kids, you can still be involved w/ them. Nothing should stop you from attending all their games and important events no matter whose "week" it is. Your kiddos will notice this and appreciate your devotion. If ex opposes this, well too bad!

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:42 am

Hey. Its me again. The child of a divorce. I just want to say a couple of things. First I want to congratulate you for wanting to make an effort to have a good relationship with your kids. My dad never did. He was too into his girlfriend (the one he cheated on my mom with) all of the time. And two, please dont listen to those people who say you have wrecked and scarred your children. YOU HAVENT! My three sisters and I are so perfectly normal. Ive said this to you before. BUt so many people have judgements about "children from divorce" it makes me S-I-C-K! My sister's fiance (before they were engaged) was so preoccupied with the fact she was a "child of divorce" he couldnt see how normal and healthy their relationship really was. I think my husband pulled him aside at the wedding and set him straight about my sisters and I. Anyway, Im getting off on a tangent...my advice: please show up for all activities: games, fundraisers, plays, etc. Its so important. Call everynight or almost every night to say good night. If your kids are old enough buy them a pre paid cell phone so they can call you anytime they want. If they just know you are there it makes all the difference. They may not understand at a young age but they'll figure it out. I knew by age 11 that I didnt want my real parents in the same house with eachother! One more thing, and this is most important of all: DO NOT, under any circumstances, let your new significant other talk about your childrens' other parent in their presence (in the childrens presence, I mean). I hated my father for letting my stepmother do that. He would just sit there while she called my mom names in front of us. I still havent forgiven him for it. Thats my only piece of advice. The last is sooooooooo important!!!!!!!!!!!!

DesignerGal · Post by **DesignerGal** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:45 am

And I am 28 years old now. So Ive been mad at my dad for 20 years for him letting evil stepmother talk about my mother in front of me and my sisters.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:30 pm

anewlife wrote: Thanks all -

A difficult time at best...but the kids seem to be doing well. Any advise for Xmas or Thanksgiving?

Christmas can be tricky, if you live far away, if you live close just work on alternate Christmas's.

My ex hubby said he was coming up for Christmas, he lives 600kms away so doesn't see the kids much, so I'm going to stay at my parents and let him stay with the kids. He can't handle the fact that I am going out with someone else, even though it's been 3 years since seperation and he's planning on getting married next year anyway. I'll come up Christmas morning for an hour, but since I have the kids all the time I don't mind at all. It's really important if you can keep thing good between you and your ex, no matter who left who, you do it for the sake of your children.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:43 pm

Maintain a good relationship with your ex if possible. Don't denigrate her in front of the kids and love them...

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:10 pm

anewlife wrote: Thanks all -

A difficult time at best...but the kids seem to be doing well. Any advise for Xmas or Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving, well one could have them for early dinner and the other for later dessert?

Christmas is a little tougher, I guess (if I remember correctly you live close to the ex) one can have them christmas eve and open that side of the family's gifts and have dinner and the other can have them christmas morning. If this becomes to complex you can alternate per year. Bleck cause it means a whole year before you get to share chirstmas with them. Christmas is the toughest I think, cause it is such a major event and if your family is like mine they want to see those darn kids.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:54 pm

Stop feeling guilty. I've heard way more people say, "I wished my parents had divorced instead of us listening to the fighting all the time", than I've heard, "My parents' divorced messed up my life".

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:04 pm

Peg wrote: Stop feeling guilty. I've heard way more people say, "I wished my parents had divorced instead of us listening to the fighting all the time", than I've heard, "My parents' divorced messed up my life".

I'v heard that a lot too. My kids think things are better at home, we all get along much better now as the kids use to pick up on the tension and took it out on each other.