Blaming the Victim

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 7:13 am

I read the Chrissie Hind thread, although not her story itself. I got the gist of it. Apparently, when she was young, she ran with a rough crowd and got assaulted. She blames herself now and says something to the effect of "I should have known better." There is a lot complexity in that issue. My colleagues and I, particularly myself, deal with that on a daily basis. I can't tell you the number of students I have had that I felt very sorry for because I knew that the other students would see them as a target. There is something about the way they dress, or the way they carry themselves that exudes insecurity. It seems to almost cry out, "I can't defend myself so go ahead and hurt me." And they do. Why? I have no idea. There seems to be something in human nature that enjoys preying on the weak. Bullies, of course, make a hobby of it, but I've seen others who I would never think to act that way lash out at these poor individuals.

How do I know so much about it? I was one of those kids. I was raised by pacifist parents. Intellectuals. My father never taught me how to fight or even protect myself. I was mercilessly bullied from age 10 to 15. Beat up at the busstop on multiple occasions. Stolen from regularly. Sidelined, ignored, and marginalized from social groups. An outcast and misfit.

But then at 15, something strange happened. We moved. Thousands of miles away. I took a good look at myself then. I didn't like the role I was playing...so I rewrote my personality. I bought a fast car. I took karate, weight lifting, and physical fitness. I became a daredevil and risk-taker. I cut a crazy swath of behavior through my new school and community. If everyone else was cliff jumping, I was diving. I drank more beer, went to more parties, and got more traffic tickets than anyone else. I got into, and won my first fight.

And something happened. My life got easier. People deferred to me. I got respect, opportunities, and girlfriends. Other men followed me and I led them.

If you've even seen that movie, "The New Guy." That's my life story. So is there some truth to the statement, "Victims bring things upon themselves?" That seems a particularly nasty way to see life. Yet, in my experience it's been true.

What do you think?

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:25 am

I think you are right.

It is the same person that gets mugged several times while their flatmate magically doesn't, some people get heard when ordering a round at a crowded bar while the person beside them gets ignored.

It's a confidence thing I think.

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 8:47 am

Case in point: Which kid would you pick on? (Assuming that you are a bully.) This is basically a before and after picture of my personality. And I agree with you Bruv. Confidence is the obvious thing missing from the first, and in spades in the second. But the question I have is, how do you gain the confidence in the first place if you are a natural victim? I was lucky. I got out of the environment I was in. That gave me the opportunity to change, and the time to make the change stick. Most victims aren't so lucky.

And, of course, there's the whole, "Why can't people just be how they are? Why do they have to change to fit society?" I lost a lot of the things that made me a nice person in the change. Emotionality, deep empathy, a poetic nature, and soft side. I still have remants of those things, but the hard, sharp edges of life have pretty much eroded them away. I'm definitely not the shy, sweet, introverted boy I once was and sometimes I think that's a shame.

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Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 11:20 am

Saint_;1485587 wrote: Case in point: Which kid would you pick on? (Assuming that you are a bully.)

The Gay looking one with blonde highlighted hair ?

I don't believe anyone can change their personality, only lose naivety, or learn more about the way the world works.

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:16 pm

Quote Originally Posted by Saint_

Case in point: Which kid would you pick on? (Assuming that you are a bully.)

Not a fair question. The little boy is easier to pick on than a young man. I was never picked on; I remember in H.S. someone tried, & failed as I have a big, brave mouth & sharp sarcasm, turned the table quickly. In Brooklyn, it is called "Rank Out."

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:37 pm

Why has dancingsunflowers80 a new member spent several hours sitting in this thread ?

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 2:10 pm

Bruv;1485633 wrote: Why has dancingsunflowers80 a new member spent several hours sitting in this thread ?

When she left the site she was on that thread I suppose & didn't click off. I've seen that many times before, Mr. Nosey Parker.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:02 pm

AnneBoleyn;1485642 wrote: When she left the site she was on that thread I suppose & didn't click off. I've seen that many times before, Mr. Nosey Parker.

Hey.....are you bullying me :sneaky:

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:04 pm

Bruv;1485650 wrote: Hey.....are you bullying me :sneaky:

Too easy & you're too nice.

I just like the word 'noseyparker' that I read in Agatha Christie. The women Miss Marple saw "peeking behind lace curtains."

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:11 pm

AnneBoleyn;1485653 wrote: Too easy & you're too nice.

I just like the word 'noseyparker' that I read in Agatha Christie. The women Miss Marple saw "peeking behind lace curtains."

I'm away to get myself blonde highlights and a Dukes of Hazard car......that'll show you

AnneBoleyn · Post by **AnneBoleyn** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 3:29 pm

Bruv;1485654 wrote: I'm away to get myself blonde highlights and a Dukes of Hazard car......that'll show you

That you've lost your mind?

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Sep 03, 2015 4:42 pm

Saint

your right. most kids won't deliberately pick on the bully - the bully has followers - the bully pick on the weak and the followers encourage.

It's easier that life toughs you up early to prepare you for real life.

my Dad taught us to fight - I was left alone by the bullies @ 6th grade.

I could hold my own

Patsy

Saint_ · Post by **Saint_** » Fri Sep 04, 2015 7:08 am

Bruv;1485614 wrote: The Gay looking one with blonde highlighted hair ?
The blonde lifeguard stereotype is highly attractive to teenage girls, believe me...

I don't believe anyone can change their personality,

I a way you are right. Your first personality cannot be "unlearned." But you can overlay a new personality on the first one. This gives you more flexibility to pull out whichever personality you need for the situation. You wrote the first personality, why not write a new one? It's really pretty simple. You begin acting the way you'd like to be. At first it seems strange, as if you are starring in someone else's movie. But after a while it becomes normal, then it is you.

That's straight out of my psychology textbook.

Bruv · Post by **Bruv** » Fri Sep 04, 2015 8:29 am

Saint_;1485697 wrote: The blonde lifeguard stereotype is highly attractive to teenage girls, believe me...

I a way you are right. Your first personality cannot be "unlearned." But you can overlay a new personality on the first one. This gives you more flexibility to pull out whichever personality you need for the situation. You wrote the first personality, why not write a new one? It's really pretty simple. You begin acting the way you'd like to be. At first it seems strange, as if you are starring in someone else's movie. But after a while it becomes normal, then it is you.

That's straight out of my psychology textbook.

I don't think you are right.

You can put on a false front, pretend. You can enjoy the feeling your act gives you, and the new acclaim from females and males.

Shy people can overcome their shyness and perform in front of thousands of screaming fans, off stage they wouldn't say boo to a goose.

An old saying says it all for me "It doesn't matter who you sleep with, you always wake........alone"