mid-life drama

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:12 pm

Hi, newbee here. I have had a horrible 8 months, since my husband of almost 19 years has decided to 'be free', he walked out the door after tossing his wedding ring in the jewelry box. :-1 Since about April he has been playing house with his new girlfriend. My life has been a living hell and I wish I could understand what has happened to this once wonderful man? Anyone out there with some opinions? If so, thanks, I would appreciate it.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:16 pm

Hi, DW. Sorry to hear about your demise. But welcome to the garden anyway. I'm not much of a marriage councillor, so I won't try, but there's plenty of people here who will have plenty of advice, help and comfort for you. They're nice folks here. Stay in the garden, who knows, you might meet someone much nicer.

:-6

SweetDarlin · Post by **SweetDarlin** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:22 pm

Hi- welcome.. you have my sympathy, my empathy and my support... I lived that about 8 years ago... WOOO what a ride.

Stay here in the Garden.. it's nice here.. people treat you well.. and when you've nothing intellectual to say and just want to shoot the breeeze... come on in to Bothwell's Pub... there's singing and dancing and drinking and friendship... if you are lucky you might see a cowboy without his pants.

All humans get to a point in their lives where they realize they need to live for THEM... do what THEY need... unfortunately too many of them go about getting these needs met in ways that are hurtful to those they've made promises to. In a few years, you'll be able to forgive him for being human. Bottom line is, he is being a jerk. The immature ******* that is within all of us, just came out full strength in him and unfortunately.. you and your family have to pay for it.

I'm sorry. :-4

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:34 pm

Dakotawoman wrote: Hi, newbee here. I have had a horrible 8 months, since my husband of almost 19 years has decided to 'be free', he walked out the door after tossing his wedding ring in the jewelry box. :-1 Since about April he has been playing house with his new girlfriend. My life has been a living hell and I wish I could understand what has happened to this once wonderful man? Anyone out there with some opinions? If so, thanks, I would appreciate it.

Wow sounds like me 2 years ago after 17 years of marriage, hunny vent away.

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 1:42 pm

thanks, I really appreciate the support, since I get absolutley none from his family. It's as if they all pat him on his back and endorse this very messed up choice of his. He does not even have the decency to talk to our daughter, he has basically turned his back and wiped us off. Her 20th birthday is coming and I wonder if he will remember...

The really hard part is that he drives past our home daily to go to his girlfriends house....and I just dread the thought of bumping into him somewhere when he has her hanging off his arm, we are still not divorced and he walked out in March, on his birthday. What is he waiting for? He even quit his full time job so he could go off and be a full time musician. He told our daughter that he 'sacrificed 19 years of his life for her, and now it is his turn'. that really cut her deeply. What a horrible thing to say to his only child.:-1 I told him 'how dare you'....she is a blessing. She's such a good kid, she has been working since she was 13, no drugs, no booze. He should be so proud of her.

orangesox1 · Post by **orangesox1** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 1:50 pm

Hi DK

Welcome to FG, I am sorry for what your having to go through Seperation is a horrible thing for the person that was left, and I can't imagine how painful it would be to bump into him with someone else.

I hope you stick around FG as you will find some very caring members here.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:42 pm

Best thing you can do now hun, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, take you and your daughter out for lunch and discuss how you are going to live your lives without him and go to town and prove to him neither of you need him. It will take about 2 years but you can do it.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 2:50 pm

Dakotawoman wrote: He told our daughter that he 'sacrificed 19 years of his life for her, and now it is his turn'. that really cut her deeply. What a horrible thing to say to his only child.:-1 I told him 'how dare you'....she is a blessing. She's such a good kid, she has been working since she was 13, no drugs, no booze. He should be so proud of her.

It's like when someone says - I gave you the best years of my life.......It was meant to hurt. And what prey-tell did he sacrifice? I certainly hope the love and adoration a girl feels for her father did not hurt and wound the bastardo too badly:rolleyes: What a creep - go find someone nice - I did. Also, as for running into him with her draped over his arm --- hold your head high and remind her that once a cheat - always a cheat...:sneaky: :wah:

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:11 pm

Dakotawoman wrote: we are still not divorced and he walked out in March, on his birthday. What is he waiting for?

What is he waiting for? What are YOU waiting for!!! He's a rat for cheating on you, get a lawyer fast and take him to the cleaners.

I'm Jives, the "Indiana Jones" of this place. (Fighter Pilot / Rock Star / Teacher) Let me reassure you, DK, not all of my gender are like this. Many of us are dependable, honest, faithful, and loving. Far Rider, Clint, Tombstone, and many others who post here are all fine examples of Decent Men. So please don't let this put you off my gender forever.

Welcome to the Garden.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:17 pm

Jives wrote: What is he waiting for? What are YOU waiting for!!! He's a rat for cheating on you, get a lawyer fast and take him to the cleaners.

I'm Jives, the "Indiana Jones" of this place. (Fighter Pilot / Rock Star / Teacher) Let me reassure you, DK, not all of my gender are like this. Many of us are dependable, honest, faithful, and loving. Far Rider, Clint, Tombstone, and many others who post here are all fine examples of Decent Men. So please don't let this put you off my gender forever.

Welcome to the Garden.

Jives is absolutely right. There are many fine and decent men in this world. This is your husbands shame - not yours.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:45 pm

Remember your pain and your daughter's pain when he wants to come crawling back. Don't let him do it to you a second time.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Fri Oct 21, 2005 3:47 pm

Hi Peg! Long time no see! Were you gone?

And she's right....once burned, twice shy. Or is it, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

I'll write you off if you get all co-dependent and let him come back.

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Sat Oct 22, 2005 11:15 am

Thank you all for the kind words and support, I really need it, there are good days and there are some really bad ones. Everyone seems to feel he will return, but I don't see that happening, he would have to eat ouite a few words, and he did not choose them tastefully hence they will be bitter to digest.....how long does the laurel crown remain green? He is seeking adoration from many, not just one. He told me that as for the women showing him their boobs and such; it was just something I would have to 'accept and live with, because it came with the territory,' after all he is a musician....:guitarist he wants everyone to love him:yh_worshp , not just me....what went wrong with him? It is as if he has shorted out, like a fuse or something....

When he first walked out he told me I could have the house, he would sign a 'quick claim' and he wanted nothing....he could live out of a duffle bag were his words...I was unsure I could afford to keep up the house payments on my own so I told him we should sell it. Then my daughter and her boyfriend pitched in and we were able to make the bills so I told him in an email I was going to keep the house....he got mad and began to write in capital letters, that I was just FXXKING with him and I had better live in the world of reality....I told him I was very familiar with that world, and it was alien to him obviously....and he could not make me pick up his negative karma by attempting to SHOUT at me with capital letters. I told him we had nowhere to go at this time, and it was best for us to stay put until I secured a permanent job. (I work for the National Park Service as a seasonal) Needless to say, he was pissed.

Perhaps he wanted the house for his new girlfriend and himself? I do not know....he just changed his mind about the duffle bag life, and make it seem like I was putting him through Hell.:yh_devil He haunts me and I wish I could just wipe him off as easily as he has done to us. Guess I am not made that way.

SweetDarlin · Post by **SweetDarlin** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:15 am

minks wrote: Wow sounds like me 2 years ago after 17 years of marriage, hunny vent away.You too!? was 17 + years for me too...

I was reading about the cruel words of DW's ex to his daughter... reminded me of my ex not attending his baby's 3rd birthday party. WE were all still in the thick of separation... had only been a couple weeks.. still living together... and he didn't go... because SHE wasn't invited... BAH! That one thing will always burn me up. Even though it's 8 years later and we have both moved far on down the road. We talk nice now. But some wounds just don't heal.

DW- keep that chin up. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve BETTER!

Kathy · Post by **Kathy** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 12:51 pm

WOW! What a BUM!

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:07 pm

Dakotawoman wrote: He told me that as for the women showing him their boobs and such; it was just something I would have to 'accept and live with, because it came with the territory,' after all he is a musician.

roflmao. Sorry, I can't help it. How old is this guy??

As for him coming back? He will. Not that you should live for it or anything, because it will happen when you least expect or want it. I'm quite sure that is how it's happened for most of us here....it did for me anyway. I don't know why it works that way, just does.

I don't know about the laws in Arizona, but I would check them out and see what rights you have. And then move on. I KNOW that sounds easy and I KNOW it's not, but we all survived it and you will too. On that you can rely.

The very best to you.

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:20 pm

He's pushing 40...to many it seems a bit young to be going through a mid-life drama but when you figure that 40 is half way to home base...guess he's not too young.

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:52 am

Dakotawoman wrote: He's pushing 40...to many it seems a bit young to be going through a mid-life drama but when you figure that 40 is half way to home base...guess he's not too young.

No, I was wondering his age because it's so childish about the boobs and the comment about being a musician. For heavens sakes...where's he playing? In the local gin joint? roflmao

Well, hon, don't worry. You'll be fine. Just remember this has nothing to do with you or your daughter...it's him and he would be going through it no matter who he was with. It isn't easy, we all know that, but really, if you could get outside of yourself and look at it as if this were happening to your friend, what would you be saying? Try it.

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:26 pm

UBETTA

He has been playing guitar since he was 13:guitarist , and he has always wanted to play music for a living...he's wanted to be a self sufficient/paid musician since I met him over 20 years ago. He thinks that it will all come together with determination and forceful drive. After all.... we (our daughter & me) have held him back all this time, his sacrifice....(crapola). I see his age as a factor and the bass player is already nearly 50. The only youngster in the band is our nephew who just turned 21. Even the drummer is a middleaged guy. Do not misunderstand me, but understand me fully with my affection for him and the band...they are good, but there is always someone better. Music is highly competitive and very youth oriented, unless playing in the bars or for corporate parties (which is what he is doing). He found if difficult to fight off the bar skanks, I guess

. I have encouraged and supported him and his 'dream'...but apparently I did not fit into the musicians persona as to what a wife/girlfriend should look like. I am not blonde and not 30 years old anymore. I am not a party girl, never have been one...not a good time charlie....he always knew that. I am grounded and reality based. A characteristic he interpreted as being negative. I always felt like the guy holding the kite string, and he was way out there flying around...I guess somewhere I let go of the string, my bad?:o

Dakotawoman · Post by **Dakotawoman** » Tue Oct 25, 2005 5:14 pm

thank you.....I needed that.

ubetta · Post by **ubetta** » Tue Oct 25, 2005 6:44 pm

He's trying to relive his youth, which ain't gonna happen. And of course he has to blame it on you and your daughter, what's the alternative? Grow up and take responsibility for the choices he made in life? I really like SnoozeControl don't you?

Got the right idea.

And....((((((hugs)))))) to ya. You deserve 'em!