Oh Far is going to love that one hehehehehe
Good one.
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
(Jives' version, remembered from the third grade.)
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was sober, not even the mouse!
The stockings were hung by the chimney over there, in hopes that the stink would go up in the air!
And I, in my jammies, and mom in her blouse, had just settled down in this hell of a house.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter that I called the cops to kill what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a drunken midget and eight endangered reindeer!
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen! To the tops of the houses! to the tops of the Walls! Get up there, you reindeer, or I'll cut off your b***s!
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer, and a few little toys for the family Q***er.
Then laying a finger up into his nose, and letting a fart, up the chimney he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all get way tight!
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was sober, not even the mouse!
The stockings were hung by the chimney over there, in hopes that the stink would go up in the air!
And I, in my jammies, and mom in her blouse, had just settled down in this hell of a house.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter that I called the cops to kill what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a drunken midget and eight endangered reindeer!
On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen! On Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen! To the tops of the houses! to the tops of the Walls! Get up there, you reindeer, or I'll cut off your b***s!
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer, and a few little toys for the family Q***er.
Then laying a finger up into his nose, and letting a fart, up the chimney he rose.
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all get way tight!
All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players...Shakespeare
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
:rolleyes: and finally :wah:
�You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.�
• Mae West
• Mae West
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
Sorry this is so long...
A Politically Correct Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth....
A Politically Correct Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth....
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Twas the night before Christmas (new version)
Now thats just sad..........:yh_laugh
~Quoth the Raven, Nevermore!~