What would you do?

[grooboggle]

Hey all I know I am still fairly new hear, but was seeking some advice from people not familiar with the situation. Last Saturday my wife went to one of her soccer friends Bday parties bowling at 9pm. Said she was just going out for a little while but ended up staying out until 3 am. Well she has somewhat of an alcohol problem and was with girlfriends but this bothered me. Well the next day when I was going to work I needed the credit card to get gas grabbed it from her coat pocket since she was still sleeping it off. With the card out popped a man's name and phone number scrawled on a bar napkin. I was pissed then but thought well there might be a reasonable explanation...I took the napkin and have been thinking about it for a day or so when a mutual "friend" calls me up to let me know that my wife has set up a time to play raquetball with this man tommorrow. I went to talk to my wife not mentioning the raquetball "date" said listen"somethings been bothering me I was not snooping but you know that I was unhappy about you staying out so late on Saturday night and you know I found this phone number I want to know why you were getting a phone number. She said this guy wanted to join another friends coed soccer team and she was getting information for this girl. I then to paraphrase asked if she was still talking to this guy and if she had set up anything with him since I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the "going out for a little while and staying out til 3 bit and also the getting the phone number for this other girl." I don't like being dishonest which this seems to be on my side the having the preknowlege of tommorrow's date and pretending not too. I suppose perhaps this person could be lying but I dont' see an upside to him for lying he knows me through his wife knowing mine and we have hung out a few times but we are not super close. I am not sure what to do.

[observer1]

grooboggle wrote: Hey all I know I am still fairly new hear, but was seeking some advice from people not familiar with the situation. Last Saturday my wife went to one of her soccer friends Bday parties bowling at 9pm. Said she was just going out for a little while but ended up staying out until 3 am. Well she has somewhat of an alcohol problem and was with girlfriends but this bothered me. Well the next day when I was going to work I needed the credit card to get gas grabbed it from her coat pocket since she was still sleeping it off. With the card out popped a man's name and phone number scrawled on a bar napkin. I was pissed then but thought well there might be a reasonable explanation...I took the napkin and have been thinking about it for a day or so when a mutual "friend" calls me up to let me know that my wife has set up a time to play raquetball with this man tommorrow. I went to talk to my wife not mentioning the raquetball "date" said listen"somethings been bothering me I was not snooping but you know that I was unhappy about you staying out so late on Saturday night and you know I found this phone number I want to know why you were getting a phone number. She said this guy wanted to join another friends coed soccer team and she was getting information for this girl. I then to paraphrase asked if she was still talking to this guy and if she had set up anything with him since I still had a bad taste in my mouth about the "going out for a little while and staying out til 3 bit and also the getting the phone number for this other girl." I don't like being dishonest which this seems to be on my side the having the preknowlege of tommorrow's date and pretending not too. I suppose perhaps this person could be lying but I dont' see an upside to him for lying he knows me through his wife knowing mine and we have hung out a few times but we are not super close. I am not sure what to do.


I'd try to make a "date" with your wife for the time she's supposed to be playing racquetball & see what her reply was to that.

[grooboggle]

The time is during the day....she has more freedom some days at work than I do...its not the playing a sport with another guy that bothers me its the falsehood of setting it up then when I gave her the chance to say yeah met a new friend playing raquetball with him she gave the impression without actually coming out and stating that she was planning on having no further contact with this guy and had passed on his soccer info.

[grooboggle]

Flopstock I am inclined to go with your way however I don't want to be her jailer and live in a state of hmmm is she playing soccer tonight or out with this dude. I can't live that way I don't think. She has "I think" been generally very truthful in the past. We have some problems now but I think they could be worked out but I am kinda a no tolerance guy on unfaithfullness and she knows this. If she cheated either she would be gone from the house or me. I hold myself to the same standard. I really think that when you are married it is forever, but I won't be cuckholded. Out of my conversation with her she said " I don't know why you are suspicious thats really strange, perhaps you are insecure" I dunno:-3 you go to a bar after bowling stay out until 3 and come home with a phone number...sometimes if it quacks its a duck.

[Peg]

If it smells like a skunk, it probably is a skunk.

Lying by omission is still lying.

[TenneseeGirl]

Ok well i know this isnt exactly what you want to hear. But ill say it anyway. YOU need to take the honesty initiative. Why does your wife have any reason to be honest with you if you are not. Now i am not saying i would do anything different. But i would ask her about the raquetball game? Say someone called you and told you she was going to play, and that you want to join her. You have to let her know that you still can do things as a couple.

Just be honest... That is what works best. Is it better to know up front? or would you rather her be sneaking around on you? I know this situation is one nightmares are made of and everyone who is married prays this wont happen. But if she really wants to get to know this guy even if it is for common interests ask her that you get to know him as a couple. Because " i tend to be a little jellous and i dont want that to come between us" or something like that.

hope that helps

[minks]

grooboggle wrote: Flopstock I am inclined to go with your way however I don't want to be her jailer and live in a state of hmmm is she playing soccer tonight or out with this dude. I can't live that way I don't think. She has "I think" been generally very truthful in the past. We have some problems now but I think they could be worked out but I am kinda a no tolerance guy on unfaithfullness and she knows this. If she cheated either she would be gone from the house or me. I hold myself to the same standard. I really think that when you are married it is forever, but I won't be cuckholded. Out of my conversation with her she said " I don't know why you are suspicious thats really strange, perhaps you are insecure" I dunno:-3 you go to a bar after bowling stay out until 3 and come home with a phone number...sometimes if it quacks its a duck.


I dunno in my past life I gave the guy the non jailer type of relationship and he ran with it. I am of the opinion ask ask ask ask, if she gets her ire up about your questions then ask what she would think if it were you with the phone number and date. If she gets all ripped about you wanting to know ask why that upsets her, you are married and have no secrets.

[grooboggle]

I did ask her if why she had the phone number what she planned on doing with it it was within the realm of plausibility that she was getting it to pass it on, but if she is leaving work to see the guy and hiding it to me she's already sneaking around. I was going to confront her about the date after I had verified it. The only thing I haven't told her about my knowledge is that someone called me up with some gossip about her. If she sees the guy tommorrow then I know she lied about that then it becomes is this ongoing or what?

[minks]

grooboggle wrote: I did ask her if why she had the phone number what she planned on doing with it it was within the realm of plausibility that she was getting it to pass it on, but if she is leaving work to see the guy and hiding it to me she's already sneaking around. I was going to confront her about the date after I had verified it. The only thing I haven't told her about my knowledge is that someone called me up with some gossip about her. If she sees the guy tommorrow then I know she lied about that then it becomes is this ongoing or what?


I wish you luck it's a hellish position to be in, been there done that.

[grooboggle]

MInks, I think she would be fine with that in the past she has talked about wanting a more open relationship. I however am not down with that. She gets her ire up about many questions because she doesn't want to admit that she is not in control of her actions sometimes because of alcohol. She doesnt' like anyone controlling her actions at all.

[minks]

grooboggle wrote: MInks, I think she would be fine with that in the past she has talked about wanting a more open relationship. I however am not down with that. She gets her ire up about many questions because she doesn't want to admit that she is not in control of her actions sometimes because of alcohol. She doesnt' like anyone controlling her actions at all.


OIY maybe the alcohol problem has to be dealt with, heck if one can't control ones self due to alcohol this is a huge concern .... especially these days.

[lady cop]

alcoholism is a disease of dishonesty and lying and denial...that is the real root of this problem, not the outward signs of deception. as long as the root problem exists, more things like this will occur. so in truth, it is the alcoholism that must be addressed.

[grooboggle]

I agree with you on the alcoholism. My father in law has been very frank in the past about his failings he's been in AA for about 20 years and my wife's whole family seems to have a tendency to alcohol problems. Whenever I have suggested counseling for it (or joint marriage counseling) she always turns it into a well you have this problem kind of thing or a well I drink because I am unhappy and you are the cause of it. It is obviously cyclical somehow as she can go on for a long time with no problems then bam weird behavior. My mother's father was a violent alcolic as well so in the past she has advised me to break off the marriage as well. But when I suggest a plan of separation to my wife she always has reasons not too follow through.

[lady cop]

unfortunately, when you spend all your energy putting out brush fires (the symptoms) you don't see the real arson going on. you, if i may say so, could benefit from Al-Anon.

[minks]

grooboggle wrote: I agree with you on the alcoholism. My father in law has been very frank in the past about his failings he's been in AA for about 20 years and my wife's whole family seems to have a tendency to alcohol problems. Whenever I have suggested counseling for it (or joint marriage counseling) she always turns it into a well you have this problem kind of thing or a well I drink because I am unhappy and you are the cause of it. It is obviously cyclical somehow as she can go on for a long time with no problems then bam weird behavior. My mother's father was a violent alcolic as well so in the past she has advised me to break off the marriage as well. But when I suggest a plan of separation to my wife she always has reasons not too follow through.


Maybe it is time to deal with what YOU want.

[Nomad]

Posted by the very wise yet outwardly hostile but somehow loveable and affectionate pussycat*_______________________________________________________________alcoholism is a disease of dishonesty and lying and denial...that is the real root of this problem, not the outward signs of deception. as long as the root problem exists, more things like this will occur. so in truth, it is the alcoholism that must be addressed.* _______________________________________________________________As a recovering alcoholic myself Im inclined to agree with the above statement (much to my dismay and discomfort) There very well may be other things in your marriage that need tending to but it will be virtually impossible to reach the crux of them with the issues being clouded by the ineffective thinking that drinking produces. The very most you can do is be forthright and straightforward with your valid concerns. Lay your cards on the table. Then unfortunately its entirely up to her, you cant force sobriety. I really feel for you, this has the potential to be one big hurt. It is your marriage however and your vows included the good with the bad. Sometimes as Im sure you know it ineviteably ends up entirely on your shoulders and if this is a recurring pattern that she refuses to acknowledge then you need outside help in my opinion.The very best to you friend.

[grooboggle]

Thanks for all the advice ...still not certain what to do but the ear and responces were all very helpful since sometimes I think everyone I know in real life is too close to one of us to be objective with their advice.

[minks]

grooboggle wrote: Thanks for all the advice ...still not certain what to do but the ear and responces were all very helpful since sometimes I think everyone I know in real life is too close to one of us to be objective with their advice.


Very true there groob. I have to say FG brings with it a huge variation of experiences so there is always some good advise to be found.

[High Threshold]

It’s been said that people with alcohol problems are professional liars. There is very good reason for it to be said too.

It seems to me you have only way out …. and that is to get out. Not immediately, you need to get used to the idea that you won’t be together with her any more and that’s not an easy thing to get adjusted to. But do it you must. Set yourself a date that is feasible and work to that goal. The worst mistake you can make now (and it is the same mistake that most people make in that circumstance) is to tell her you’ll be leaving or that you want to help her with her “problem”. It never works and you’ll be setting yourself up for even more heartbreak than you’ve got now. Remember the most important thing: ALCOHOLICS ARE PROFESSIONAL LIARS. That shouldn't be a surprise to you because I'm willing to bet that you've already caught her in a large numbers of lies. Am I right?

I have some personal experience myself with a woman alcoholic and if you’d like to know about it let me know and I'll tell you.:-1

[High Threshold]

lady cop wrote: " ........ in truth, it is the alcoholism that must be addressed.
Yes. But SHE must address it - HE must get his distance otherwise she'll destroy him. Furthermore, she will NEVER address it as long as he is by her side because she sees his (or any other man's) presence as the facade, outwardly showing that "there is no problem". - "Look at me! I have no probelm! I'm in a relationship!"

[High Threshold]

tmbsgrl wrote: What happened??
Yeah! ....................... what happened next?

[lady cop]

original poster hasn't been back yet.........we get a lot who post their sob stories and never return 'cause they don't like the advice.

[Nomad]

High Threshold wrote: It’s been said that people with alcohol problems are professional liars. There is very good reason for it to be said too.



It seems to me you have only way out …. and that is to get out. Not immediately, you need to get used to the idea that you won’t be together with her any more and that’s not an easy thing to get adjusted to. But do it you must. Set yourself a date that is feasible and work to that goal. The worst mistake you can make now (and it is the same mistake that most people make in that circumstance) is to tell her you’ll be leaving or that you want to help her with her “problem”. It never works and you’ll be setting yourself up for even more heartbreak than you’ve got now. Remember the most important thing: ALCOHOLICS ARE PROFESSIONAL LIARS. That shouldn't be a surprise to you because I'm willing to bet that you've already caught her in a large numbers of lies. Am I right?



I have some personal experience myself with a woman alcoholic and if you’d like to know about it let me know and I'll tell you.:-1
Your an idiot.