Galbally's Advice Column for FG.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:54 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally, I try to be a good person, why am I the butt of so many jokes?:-1

You aren't the butt of jokes...........you are the love of many people at FG

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:06 am

Dear Dr. Galbally:

When is the next big snow storm expected? Will I get any school days out of it?

Signed,

Anxious Teacher

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:20 am

nvalleyvee wrote: How do we get Snooze a date - she's highly pent up from frustration.

First me must ascertain whether Snooze, actually wants a date, if this is the case, we must begin an immeadiate search for a suitable male, making sure to vet him for any problems. Once this has been achieved we may allow nature to take its course.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:22 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally, I try to be a good person, why am I the butt of so many jokes?:-1

I believe that it is merley a sign of the high levels of regard by which you are taken by many forum gardeners. I would not take it badly.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:25 am

chonsigirl wrote: Dear Dr. Galbally:

When is the next big snow storm expected? Will I get any school days out of it?

Signed,

Anxious Teacher

Despite my abilities, I am unable to predict the weather, you have found the chink in my armour, well done.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:30 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally,

I'm terribly sorry to keep bothering you, but this time I have a serious problem. I went to the dentist recently and he inserted radios into my teeth. Its hard to sleep at night because I keep hearing the Tophoobian's plans of invasion of the planet N'kkpt. Is there anyway I can warn them?

Thanks,

Snooze

Never again will you refer to me as the unbalanced one !

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 6:37 am

Dr. Ballybuster, How do I convince my wife that a snowmobile would be an essential ingredient in my household. Id be willing to hold out till summer for a jetski but its one or the other. And a 50' digital tv. Can you somehow combine the urgency into one tidy package ? Her name is laser and her pm address is laser.:-3 and feel free to be relentless and mercilessly persistent in this most critical matter.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 7:43 am

Nomad wrote: Dr. Ballybuster, How do I convince my wife that a snowmobile would be an essential ingredient in my household. Id be willing to hold out till summer for a jetski but its one or the other. And a 50' digital tv. Can you somehow combine the urgency into one tidy package ? Her name is laser and her pm address is laser.:-3 and feel free to be relentless and mercilessly persistent in this most critical matter.

Indeed, this is a pressing problem. I will have to convince her of a scenario in which the U.S. has been taken over by very fast moving, snow loving invaders who are able to contol the weather and create winter conditions at will. In such sircumstances assault weapons and snowmobiles will be required by those who wish to survive as the only tactic possible against these all powerful invaders will be to pop a few round off at a distance and then shoot off on the snow mobile. I shall flesh out this basic idea and come up with a suitable yarn, that will ensure you are the happy onwer of a 2,000cc snowmobile and an M60 by january.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 7:45 am

Galbally wrote: Despite my abilities, I am unable to predict the weather, you have found the chink in my armour, well done.
You still shine anyway, O knight, in your armour.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Sat Dec 03, 2005 9:12 pm

Nomad wrote: Dr. Ballybuster, How do I convince my wife that a snowmobile would be an essential ingredient in my household. Id be willing to hold out till summer for a jetski but its one or the other. And a 50' digital tv. Can you somehow combine the urgency into one tidy package ? Her name is laser and her pm address is laser.:-3 and feel free to be relentless and mercilessly persistent in this most critical matter.

Pray tell, where do I get a 50 foot TV? I think my husband might like

an upgrade from his cute little 73 inch!!

;)

:p

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:39 am

valerie wrote: Pray tell, where do I get a 50 foot TV? I think my husband might like

an upgrade from his cute little 73 inch!!

;)

:p

Oh that is easy, you must wait until the next U2 world tour plays near your town. After the gig we can arrange that I will get them distracted by throwing stones and Bono's windows in Ireland (thats where I live, though not next door to Mr. B), he will, in his fright, jam all the communications trying to get in touch with the old country, in the mean time, you set off the small smoke bomb that you smuggled earlier into the gig. Under the cover of the smoke, yourself and your fellow townsfolk (their cooperation will be necessary) will overpower the security, detach the left hand video wall, which is much bigger than 50 feet so its overkill, and carry it on your many hands triumphantly home. Bono will of course kick up a fuss, with his celebrity chums, but we can deal with them later.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 7:54 am

I have the nagging feeling I should be doing something substantial. In what capacity, Im not sure. I cant shake the feeling and its hounding me. Im becoming impatient with myself for floundering, yet Im not sure of my direction. Any advise ?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 3:06 pm

Nomad wrote: I have the nagging feeling I should be doing something substantial. In what capacity, Im not sure. I cant shake the feeling and its hounding me. Im becoming impatient with myself for floundering, yet Im not sure of my direction. Any advise ?

You may be suffering from a messiah complex, where you feel that you are in fact, the chosen one, and that sitting in front of the T.V. with a pizza, and a large bottle of coke is not enough for someone of your stature. Normally, I would ask that people seek some counciling or at least a better T.V. set. However, in your case, I believe that this may not be "complex" at all, but that in actual fact you are the messiah. Your time on this board may have been a beginning on your journey to godhood, it is so hard to tell sometimes, it may just be something to do with your desire for a snowmobile, as Snooze has said. If you are the messiah, then it may become necessary to start a new religion, called Nomadism I would imagine, whenupon your minions will have to follow your teachings regarding many things. This may seem like a heavy responsibility, but, it is also a great opportunity to make some cash. Just let me say, lord, that if you are the messiah, could you fix it so Ireland make it to the World Cup next time round?

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:12 pm

Yea thanks but Im pretty sure Im not interested in starting a cult. Maybe Ill just put up some more Christmas lights and see if that doesnt do it.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:32 pm

HAIL NOMAD THE MESSIAH

"He's not the messiah, he's a very silly boy" (Monty Pythons life of Brian)

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:38 pm

You'll get no argument from me. (or anyone else)

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:12 pm

Only the true messiah could be this honest, and immodest, I hail thee, oh Nomad, can we have some miracles after you have finished with the Christmas lights please? Now enough of my cow-towing to Nomad the messiah, I have an advice column to run,............next!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Dec 04, 2005 6:15 pm

Dear Dr. Galbally:

How do I get those silly commercial tunes out of my head? I hear it on the TV, and the jingle stays there all day long!

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:15 am

chonsigirl wrote: Dear Dr. Galbally:

How do I get those silly commercial tunes out of my head? I hear it on the TV, and the jingle stays there all day long!

Dear CG,

You will have to spend at least 6 months listening to Gustav Mahler and Richard Wagner, whos' Germanic tones should free your mind from the music from Beer commericals and ink jet printer promos. Effect should be fairly immeadiate, call back in a week , if not working.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 8:28 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Hmmm... Chonsi's going to need to learn how to cram six months into a week.

No I just meant that the effect should be immeadiate. I have just found out that she is a musical directior and claims to be able to play Chopin properly on the Piano, which is my ultimate female attractiveness test, she is obviously bright and not completely mad, I have also heard that you think she is not a bad looking girl, this is a dilema, what should I do?, I need to consult my own advice column, erh any advice?.

P.S. Snooze, the new avatar is great! and I don't even like Christmas!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 9:20 am

You are both so very sweet, Galbally and darling Snooze. :-4

I'll take the Wagner, but not the Mahler!

And Chopin anytime, and my latest piece I worked on this summer, Addinsell's Warsaw Concerto.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 10:44 am

chonsigirl wrote: You are both so very sweet, Galbally and darling Snooze. :-4

I'll take the Wagner, but not the Mahler!

And Chopin anytime, and my latest piece I worked on this summer, Addinsell's Warsaw Concerto.

Oh yeah, thats it, I'm gone. :yh_worshp

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 10:49 am

Dear Galbally

What should I do about my uncontrollable desire to read Shakespeare and write shamelessly useless poetry all day about a poor irish wench wishing to be the first lady to walk on the moon?

Desperately seeking advise.

Jenny

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:23 pm

jennyswan wrote: Dear Galbally

What should I do about my uncontrollable desire to read Shakespeare and write shamelessly useless poetry all day about a poor irish wench wishing to be the first lady to walk on the moon?

Desperately seeking advise.

Jenny

You should give into the desire to read shakespear as it will immeadiatly make you sound more profound that the locals in the bar, this is always an advantage when either looking for a new man, or a new scam. Start with "Hamlet", the prince of plays, then onto "Macbeth", "Henry V", "Othello", "King Lear", etc. etc., until you get to "Much Ado About Nothing" and the "Merry Wives of Windsor".

If you just want to blag your way through Shakespeare then watch "Shakespear In Love" Mel Gibsons' "Hamlet", and the one with Leonardo Di Caprio in it.

As to your second desire, I don't see there being a problem, it seems a most noble purpose to me, why who knows, you may well be the first poor Irish wench on the Moon, you seem young and fit enough, and you are definetly bright enough to fly a spaceship, which is much like a car without wheels and a big complicated CD player. Actually, in honour of your new hobby, I shall attempt some poetry about you.

The Irish Spacewoman!

Jenny, jenny, jenny swan.

Up to the moon, go on, go on, go on.

All of Eire will be there with you

Though through lack of money, not entirely true.

You'll be the first Colleen in space.

With a mission to tidy up the place.

To make it safe for Irish shoes.

So we can dance, and sing, and booze.

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:35 pm

The Irish Spacewoman!

Dearest Dr Galbally

Thank you for your kind and perceptive advice which I will do my best to follow. Do you think Shakespeare would mind if I start out with the Merry Wives of Windsor.

I've already been through Othello and found he was a rather inconsiderate fella leaving the tupping of his ewe to his most inconsiderate neighbour.

Do you think that a stop off in Mars to try out the bar is a noble enough destination for my first pit stop on the way to place the irish flag on the moon.

Forever in your debt. :yh_worshp

Jenny

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:53 pm

If you think you couldnt be a flier

Just go and ask Fr. Dougal Mcguire

Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on

There is no doubt, the moon you will land upon

Fly Jenny Fly to the moon and back

For if you dont there will be a lack

of posts and threads for us to read

to help in the Garden for us to weed

An astronaut of Irish descent

Off round the world, she came and went

Up like a rocket, through the atmosphere

Dont be long Jenny ,we need you here

Awww shucks I will bring you a present from the moon Arnold. How about some swiss cheese?:-6

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 12:54 pm

Jenny, what's the little green penis-like thing in your signature area?

Hi Snooze, he's way too cute to be a penis!!

ELF · Post by **ELF** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 3:47 pm

Arnold, you took my schnapps!

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 3:55 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: How much deeper ,do you think, would our oceans be without all those sponges :rolleyes:

This the Answer to Arnold's interesting question posted several weeks ago here on the G.A.C. I originally posted a reply stating 4 feet 11 inches. I must now apologize and state that this was incorrect and based on evidence gathered from rabid and violent ecologists who provide flawed data in an attempt to divert the U.S. Military away from Iraq and into the sponge genocide area. I have consullted with some collegues and have found a more satisfactory answer, here it is.............

Well, there are as everyone knows approx 18,000 seperate species of sponge in exiestence today, of these only anout 400 dominate, they are more populous in the southern than northern oceans though common to both regions. It is esimated that there are least 1,500,000,000,000,000 individual sponges weighing collectively several trillion tonnes (metric), and as we know that 1 kg of any object will displace the same mass in water 1 kg, so then we have to determine the size of 1.5 x 10 to the (I'll use the division sign for the exponential, its easier) 15 kg of water. One kilogramme of water is also one litre of water, helpfully so that is a direct conversion of S.I. units so now we have 1.5 x 10/15 litres of water. Now this is where it gets tricky because the overall mass of the entire water-body on the Earths surface is way, way, way bigger than this, so even the 1.5 million, trillion litres displaced by the sponges will only have microscopic effects on the water level, in fact sub-microscopic probably somewhere on the order of 1.0 x 10/-13 meters, very small. So all in all Arnold I would say that the answer is f*ck all. I hoped this has clarified the situation.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 3:55 pm

Galbally

I spent 10 hours painting with undercoat yesterday and another 4 hours tonight. The fumes made me feel a bit wobbly. Should I be drinking this beer?

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:01 pm

ArnoldLayne wrote: Mr Galbally sir ,I have this prob

I start my sentences but I cant fin

I get going then I sto

Cant figure out what the problem can you please advi

Its driving m

Oh my G

Plea

Arnold, you are encountering further problems with your Heisenberg-uncertainty-principal-type electron states, this has got to do with the impossibility of the electrons that are firing around the neural pathways in your brain being able to be determined precisely in terms of both position and velocity, this is normal, do not worry, however, sometimes the rest of your brain gets annoyed at this without you realizing and goes on strike, not serious, something like a 3-day week or work to rule (as you may know about being british), such events are often caused by the sudden appearence of a quantum doppleganger, as indeed you have recently experienced. I suggest that you watch at least one episode of something on the open university on BBC2 late at night regarding mathematics, it may help alleviate your symptoms. Also, Robinsons Barley Water has been known to provide some comfort. I hope that this is of some use.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:05 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: Galbally

I spent 10 hours painting with undercoat yesterday and another 4 hours tonight. The fumes made me feel a bit wobbly. Should I be drinking this beer?

If you are reffering to the British brew know as "House Painters Regret", then I suggest not, as the Court of Criminal appeal is trying to determine an adeqaute sentence for its inventor's conviction. I suggest that you try a more acceptable ale such as "Dulux Delight", or "Handyman's Friend".

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:17 pm

Now I'm worried Just found out that White Spirit is for cleaning the brushes. Think I might give the Dulux Delight a whirl

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:25 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Dr Galbally, pick me... me, me, pick me!

Why are my stupidest posts usually at the top of a page, immediately visible to someone opening the thread?

Case in point... where I asked Jenny about her little green doodad in her signature block in this, your esteemed and much admired thread?

And if you tell me its the odds since most of my posts are stupid, I shall have to hurt you.

Thank you Dr Galbally, you're my hero:yh_glasse .

My dearest Miss Control, I appreciate your beningn feelings towards me, and I am always happy to answer querys from the more "troubled" of the FG members, of whom yourself, arnold, and nomad, are a select group. I shall see if I can arrange for special help for your specific cases. Firstly your enquiry about the penile apparaition in JS,s posts, this was common female curiosity, no need to worry, it does seem quite suggestive to me, and green. As to why your posts are always at the top, this is because again both yourself and nomad have developed quite accute messiah complex's, however, the twist being that you both are acctual messiahs, of different religions, (namely your own), god is therefore putting your posts at the top (through the sacred laws of chance) to illustrate your power. This is, as in nomads case, neither a bad or good thing in itself, but a unique oppotrunity to make some spare cash. As to wishing to hurt me, this is a common enough occurence, especially from women, all I will say is that when I wish to be hurt, I will let you know. Stay well my dear, and as always be careful of the Daneophobia.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:30 pm

Uncle Kram wrote: Now I'm worried Just found out that White Spirit is for cleaning the brushes. Think I might give the Dulux Delight a whirl

It is possible to renature the methanol in white spirit into ethanol (alcohol), but you don;t have a lab or a chemistry degree, so just buy proper ethanol in future. As to the Dulux delight, yes, I hear that Homebase has already sold out in the pre-christmas rush.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:34 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Hot damn, I'm startin' my own religion!

I suggest that you use a different stylist in your religious endevours than that particular lady, I presume that she is one of the current new "lady gods" that have recently come to the fore. Anyway, it is not important, I do not need to know, just keep on relating your deepest and most difficult problems to me here at "Galbally's Advice Column" and I will endeavor to get as many laughs out of them as I can.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:37 pm

ELF wrote: Arnold, you took my schnapps!

Dear Elf, is this something that I can help with, or just a general whinge, he is a well known Schnapps-worrier, he cannot help it as the anti-arnold has some stange control that I am as yet unable to deal with.

Arnold, do not read any of the above 3 lines.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:46 pm

jennyswan wrote: Dearest Dr Galbally

Thank you for your kind and perceptive advice which I will do my best to follow. Do you think Shakespeare would mind if I start out with the Merry Wives of Windsor.

I've already been through Othello and found he was a rather inconsiderate fella leaving the tupping of his ewe to his most inconsiderate neighbour.

Do you think that a stop off in Mars to try out the bar is a noble enough destination for my first pit stop on the way to place the irish flag on the moon.

Forever in your debt. :yh_worshp

Jenny

Yes, that would be an excellent idea, though you will first have to wait for NASA to build it, and seeing as its an American bar (though on Mars) you will need lots of room in your spacecraft for proper Irish booze. You can throw out all the unecessary things like control panels, life support, seats, etc etc, this should leave you with enough room for booze for everyone on mars, though you will have to wear a spacesuit the whole way there, eat only mars bars, and move around a lot to keep warm. However, once there the residents will be so happy to see you arive with all that lovely Irish alcohol that they will make you honourary Irish president of Mars, which you will use to ensure that they build you a much nicer spaceship than the one we built for you in Dublin. Then it sould be no bother to fly to the moon, do a bit of a lookround, plat a great bid Irish flag, bigger than the American one already there, in fact knock the American one over (by accident mind you), and place our own glorious rag in its place. Then its a few days (3) back to a crash landing in the Irish sea and an aftershow party in Colin Farrells place in Killiney, nice one.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Dec 05, 2005 4:48 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Sorry, just one more photo:

They are not real people, I do not accept that these are actual human beings, and I refuse to allow them on my advice column again, if they have a problem, I shall consult Far Rider.