Jokes
Jokes
Bush
A man is caught in traffic when suddenly someone taps on the window.
He lowers the window and asks what he wanted.
The man says, President Bush was kidnapped and the ransom is $5 Million
dollars, and that if the ransom is not paid, the kidnappers have
threatened to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire!
"We are doing a collection, do you wish to participate?"
The man asks "on the average what are people giving?"
The man says "5 to 10 liters!"
Jokes
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll eat for a lifetime.
(Conservative point of view)
Tax a man for fishing.
Use his fish to feed your constituency.
Regulate fishing in such a way that he can no longer make a profit fishing & goes out of business.
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
Raise taxes to pay for subsidizing the failing fishing industry.
Pass a law creating more fish.
Fund a three year study to find out whether fishing causes global warming.
Give some of his fish to illegal aliens.
What the hell, they’re voting now too right?
Pump money into a failed education system for socialization programs, so his children will feel good about themselves and others whether they have fish or not, yet be so illiterate that they will believe this system to be optimal.
(Liberal point of view)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll spend the day in boat drinking beer.
(My point of view)
Teach a man to fish & he’ll eat for a lifetime.
(Conservative point of view)
Tax a man for fishing.
Use his fish to feed your constituency.
Regulate fishing in such a way that he can no longer make a profit fishing & goes out of business.
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
Raise taxes to pay for subsidizing the failing fishing industry.
Pass a law creating more fish.
Fund a three year study to find out whether fishing causes global warming.
Give some of his fish to illegal aliens.
What the hell, they’re voting now too right?
Pump money into a failed education system for socialization programs, so his children will feel good about themselves and others whether they have fish or not, yet be so illiterate that they will believe this system to be optimal.
(Liberal point of view)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish & he’ll spend the day in boat drinking beer.
(My point of view)
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am!"
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you guess?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well" said the man, "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s MY fault."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you guess?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well" said the man, "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s MY fault."
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
BTS wrote:
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
______
Hello BTS
How r u ?
very nice your Jokes .. Thank u .
Sarah
Give him a fish so he can eat.
Then, give him a tax return as if you had taxed him for the fish you gave him.
Then, raise his taxes because he has more fish now.
Subsidize the failing fishing industry.
______
Hello BTS
How r u ?
very nice your Jokes .. Thank u .
Sarah
Jokes
sara wrote:
______
Hello BTS
How r u ?
very nice your Jokes .. Thank u .
Sarah
Thanx Sara...... I liked yours too.
I am fine... and you?
Ans oh ya........... Welcome
______
Hello BTS
How r u ?
very nice your Jokes .. Thank u .
Sarah
Thanx Sara...... I liked yours too.
I am fine... and you?
Ans oh ya........... Welcome
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
BTS wrote: Thanx Sara...... I liked yours too.
I am fine... and you?
Ans oh ya........... Welcome
I'm Fine :yh_blush .
The girls in my class study the exam. , and me all the day Read & Search about Jokes
<----- Sara Tomorrow after exam.
I am fine... and you?
Ans oh ya........... Welcome
I'm Fine :yh_blush .
The girls in my class study the exam. , and me all the day Read & Search about Jokes
<----- Sara Tomorrow after exam.
Jokes
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Roll down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash ! and receipt.
6. Roll window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter P! IN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Roll down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash ! and receipt.
6. Roll window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter P! IN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.
Jokes
Wolverine wrote: FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter P! IN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
hahahahahaha
hahahaha
ahah
ha
:p
very nice
Thank u my brother ..:rolleyes:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on
the inside back page.
11. Enter P! IN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
hahahahahaha
hahahaha
ahah
ha
:p
very nice
Thank u my brother ..:rolleyes:
Jokes
BTS wrote: They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn’t know where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
They also say when Noah was on his ark he had a problem with all the animal poo building up on board. So he shovelled it all over the side, where it stayed until Columbus discovered it.
They also say when Noah was on his ark he had a problem with all the animal poo building up on board. So he shovelled it all over the side, where it stayed until Columbus discovered it.
Jokes
Some more jokes from me.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
How do you make a cat go woof.
Douse it in petrol & drop a lighted match on it.
What has 2 grey legs & 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.
How do you cancel a sperm bank appointment?
Ring them & say you can't come.
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.
How do you make a blond burn her face?
Phone her while she's doing the ironing.
Why shouldn't you wear Y fronts in the Ukraine?
Chernobyl fallout.
Why did the baby have smelly hands?
It kneaded a poo.
What bees make milk?
Boo bees.
What's soft & warm whenyou go to bed, but hard & stiff when you wake up?
Vomit.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.
How do you make a cat go woof.
Douse it in petrol & drop a lighted match on it.
What has 2 grey legs & 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhoea.
How do you cancel a sperm bank appointment?
Ring them & say you can't come.
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.
How do you make a blond burn her face?
Phone her while she's doing the ironing.
Why shouldn't you wear Y fronts in the Ukraine?
Chernobyl fallout.
Why did the baby have smelly hands?
It kneaded a poo.
What bees make milk?
Boo bees.
What's soft & warm whenyou go to bed, but hard & stiff when you wake up?
Vomit.
Jokes
Joe wrote: They also say when Noah was on his ark he had a problem with all the animal poo building up on board. So he shovelled it all over the side, where it stayed until Columbus discovered it.
Soo now I see........... Is that is why so many bloody Englishmen made their way over to this pile of poo? It reminded them of home?
Soo now I see........... Is that is why so many bloody Englishmen made their way over to this pile of poo? It reminded them of home?
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
Jokes
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
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The Red One
- Posts: 271
- Joined: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:54 am
Jokes
How "dirty" can the jokes be? I'm still not sure what can/can't be posted or said on here without getting out of line.....
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
Susan came into my office today and said
"Dennis won't be in today, he's sick"
I asked "How sick?"
She said "Well he's at home in bed with his sister"
"Dennis won't be in today, he's sick"
I asked "How sick?"
She said "Well he's at home in bed with his sister"
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
A GOOD CAT JOKE BUT A BAD MOUSE ONE!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
Use this meditation when feeling very, very stressed.
You are walking through a summer meadow. The sky is a gentle blue above you ; the grasses and flowers at your feet sway softly in the breeze. The birds sing lazily in the trees. A fragrance of wild thyme, sage and lavender caresses your senses. The sun is warm but not fierce.
You drift slowly down towards an azure river, which meanders past you, in no hurry to be anywhere. The drone of bees can be heard.
You sit calmly beside the slow-moving waters and listen to the sound of water on rock, bees on the air, leaves rustling gently.
Now picture the face of the person you're holding underwater, and smile serenely......
:D
You are walking through a summer meadow. The sky is a gentle blue above you ; the grasses and flowers at your feet sway softly in the breeze. The birds sing lazily in the trees. A fragrance of wild thyme, sage and lavender caresses your senses. The sun is warm but not fierce.
You drift slowly down towards an azure river, which meanders past you, in no hurry to be anywhere. The drone of bees can be heard.
You sit calmly beside the slow-moving waters and listen to the sound of water on rock, bees on the air, leaves rustling gently.
Now picture the face of the person you're holding underwater, and smile serenely......
:D
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Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let
him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6
for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed
glasses!"
without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family
was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cuz he'd be f*cked if he needed
glasses!"
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
*snarf*
How to Achieve Inner Peace 2
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read : "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished.....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys I opened last Christmas, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels I started on my birthday, the cough mixture, some Valium, some cheesecak and a box of chocolates. I also started divorce proceedings.
You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
Headline Howlers
Queen Mary toHave Bottom Scraped
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Enfield Couple Slain - Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Sex Education - Teachers Want Training
How to Achieve Inner Peace 2
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read : "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished.....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys I opened last Christmas, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels I started on my birthday, the cough mixture, some Valium, some cheesecak and a box of chocolates. I also started divorce proceedings.
You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
Headline Howlers
Queen Mary toHave Bottom Scraped
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Enfield Couple Slain - Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Sex Education - Teachers Want Training
Jokes
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower
bunk.
At 2:00 a.m. he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket.
Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower
bunk.
At 2:00 a.m. he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket.
Jokes
All Too True
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you... Nowadays, 80% of women are againstmarriage. Why?..... Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you... Nowadays, 80% of women are againstmarriage. Why?..... Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Jokes
Oo-er missus (that's a catchphrase in England, in case you're wondering)
(that's a catchphrase in England, in case you're wondering)-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
I met this English guy in the Canary Islands and he asked where I was from. "Tamworth" I replied.
"In Staffordshire?" he asked so I said "Yes, where are you from?".
He told me he was from Poole.
"In Dorset?" I said
"I can thoroughly recommend Poole" he replied
"In Staffordshire?" he asked so I said "Yes, where are you from?".
He told me he was from Poole.
"In Dorset?" I said
"I can thoroughly recommend Poole" he replied
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every
word.
His buddies at the club are all envious. They
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age.."
His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were
only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every
word.
His buddies at the club are all envious. They
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade
her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age.."
His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were
only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Jokes
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...""WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b!tch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b!tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b!tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b!tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy $hit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pi$$ed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...""WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later..."Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b!tch to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b!tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b!tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b!tch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy $hit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
I went into Tamworth yesterday for some last-minute Christmas shopping and there was a busker in the Shopping Centre. I wouldn't normally notice, but he was playing "Dancing Queen" on a Digeridoo. I thought, Blimey, that's Abbarigonal
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
LMAO:D
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior
a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
sworn
So, I called him a piece of dog &%!@. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try
to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and
>published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep
>straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are
>excellent; don't miss the last one.
>Q: Are you sexually active?
>A: No, I just lie there.
>
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year.
>
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
>you've forgotten?
>
>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
>
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
>when he woke up that morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>
>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
>in voodoo or The occult?
>A: We both do.
>Q: Voodoo?
>A: We do.
>Q: You do?
>A: Yes, voodoo.
>
>Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
>morning?
>
>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
>Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
>8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
>you go to?
>A: Oral.
>
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
>Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy.
>
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
>check for a pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
>nevertheless?
>A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practising law somewhere.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5
minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking
ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior
a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
sworn
So, I called him a piece of dog &%!@. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try
to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.
These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and
>published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep
>straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are
>excellent; don't miss the last one.
>Q: Are you sexually active?
>A: No, I just lie there.
>
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year.
>
>Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
>all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
>you've forgotten?
>
>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
>
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
>when he woke up that morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>
>Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
>in voodoo or The occult?
>A: We both do.
>Q: Voodoo?
>A: We do.
>Q: You do?
>A: Yes, voodoo.
>
>Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
>morning?
>
>Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
>Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
>8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
>dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
>Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
>you go to?
>A: Oral.
>
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
>Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
>doing an autopsy.
>
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
>check for a pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>you began the autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
>nevertheless?
>A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
>practising law somewhere.
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
The Genius of Peter Kay...
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when >
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 5318008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to
go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't
get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out
of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Peter Kay's questions...
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad
at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
the window?
Peter Kay's Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when >
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 5318008
into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.
30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
Two elderly gentlemen, Jack and Harry, were chatting over coffee one morning.
Jack. "Me and the Mrs. went to a good restaurant last night."
Harry. "What was it called"
Jack was clearly struggling to recall the name. ?What's the name of that flower that women like to get?"
"Carnation?"
"No. It's usually red with big petals"
"Poppy?"
No. It has a thorny stem.
Do you mean a rose?
That's it.
Jack picks up his cell phone and phones his wife.
"Rose. What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" :wah:
Jack. "Me and the Mrs. went to a good restaurant last night."
Harry. "What was it called"
Jack was clearly struggling to recall the name. ?What's the name of that flower that women like to get?"
"Carnation?"
"No. It's usually red with big petals"
"Poppy?"
No. It has a thorny stem.
Do you mean a rose?
That's it.
Jack picks up his cell phone and phones his wife.
"Rose. What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" :wah:
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
How old are you?
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?:-3
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
NAIVE If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?:-3
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
ALOHA!!
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
MOTTO TO LIVE BY:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.
WOO HOO!!, what a ride!!!"
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not
had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all
your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr Chang then said OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever
see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary
disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse".
had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have
something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well
known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK, take off all
your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of
room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr Chang then said OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly.
Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever
see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary
disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse".
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
-
Uncle Kram
- Posts: 5991
- Joined: Wed Nov 16, 2005 12:34 pm
Jokes
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are
in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going
to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN PUN
Jokes
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot, and watched football uninterupted, and drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot, and watched football uninterupted, and drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view
Mind like a steel trap - Rusty and Illegal in 37 states.
Jokes
Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find
Money = Work/Knowledge
The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find
Money = Work/Knowledge
The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
Battle of the professions
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically Correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
The guide for all men
WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.
I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.
I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What?s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.
I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.
I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What?s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home
Jokes
Guide for all women
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is home