I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We have been great until the past 6 months. We have been arguing a lot and I have been very unhappy. I feel like I take everything he says very personally, whether he means it that way or not. He is a man of few words...so maybe anything he says is internalized.
I've been unhappy because he doesn't tell me how much I mean to him, that I am attractive, that he wants to see me, etc. I am a woman and I need some reassurance every once in a while. If I ask him if he finds me attractive or I ask him if he likes my new clothes or whatever he always says yes, but I always have to pull it out of him. He never makes plans with me, I always have to wait until the weekend to see if we are going to get together. If I didn't make all the plans I don't think anything would ever happen.
On top of that, we live 85 miles apart. He has a job where he works 50+ hours a week and gets no cell phone reception. He's working towards his Master's Degree in Mechanical Engineering, and just bought a house in July. Basically my problem is that he never calls during the day, and only calls late at night when he has time. I can't get a hold of him otherwise. He has a work phone, a work cell phone, a home cell phone, and a computer - but he never contacts me other than late at night randomly. If I try calling him, I never get an answer. He will call me back if I leave a message, but he's usually busy with work. We see each other on the weekends most of the time, and get along pretty well then. However, a lot of the time he will just sit on the computer, do homework, sleep, or watch TV in another room. He doesn't seem happy to see me, he's only sometimes affectionate towards me, and all of our sexual experiences are planned.
Long story short - I am desperate for attention. I have been going out with my friends lately to bars and feeling really good about being hit on by other guys, and dancing with them - just to feel wanted. I love my boyfriend to death and would do anything for him, I just don't think he would do the same for me. He does surprise me and show up sometimes, and he does cuddle with me a lot when we are together, so maybe it's just me.
Anyway, I had a friend over last week and we ended up getting really drunk. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed together. I have no feelings for this person, and have told him since then that we should never see each other again. My feelings haven't changed for my bf, I can barely remember what happened with my friend, and I really dont want the incident to destroy the relationship. I have had mixed reviews on whether or not I should tell my bf. On the one hand I know why it happened, I know my triggers now, I recognize the problem in the relationship etc. and I feel like I can really learn from this. Some friends tell me that I should just let it go and never tell him. They say it's selfish to admit that stuff, and that it would only hurt him. On the other hand, my girlfriend tells me that it would be wrong to not tell him. She has made me feel very guilty lately about it and I can't stop brooding.
I feel like if I were planning to see my friend again, or if I had feelings for him that would change my current relationship, that I should definitely tell my bf. But, that's not the case. I know it was stupid, I know why it happened, etc. and I don't want to hurt my bf by telling him. I feel like nothing good can come out of it.
What is your opinion? Should I tell him? Should I dump him? Should I wait for the dust to settle and then decide?
Please help!
Torn - Need Advice
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
Kitty :p
Torn - Need Advice
don't tell him...he's clearly not vested in the relationship with you and it would give him the excuse he's waiting for. i would say cut your loses and bolt from the guy...three years and no commitment yet? 
Torn - Need Advice
This story sounds so familiar. Small comfort that it's not just you though.
He can only give what he has to give. If you need more, you need another.
He can only give what he has to give. If you need more, you need another.
Torn - Need Advice
KLB, I don't mean to be harsh but you've been dealing with the same sorts
of things with this guy for months now... at least from your other posts
on almost this same subject... I think you need to quit floundering around
and give it up with this guy!
Might hurt you but look at what you're going through now!! That's hurtful,
too!
of things with this guy for months now... at least from your other posts
on almost this same subject... I think you need to quit floundering around
and give it up with this guy!
Might hurt you but look at what you're going through now!! That's hurtful,
too!
Torn - Need Advice
Try putting yourself in you bf's position, how would you feel if you found out your gf has slept with someone else?
wether or not he shows you affection, you say you love him yet have sex with another guy!
Your relationship has surely taken a massive turn and you should'nt ignore it,
you sound very insecure with this guy and are always seeking his approval on your looks etc,
maybe its time you cut your losses with him and found someone that you can truly be happy with.
Good luck X
wether or not he shows you affection, you say you love him yet have sex with another guy!
Your relationship has surely taken a massive turn and you should'nt ignore it,
you sound very insecure with this guy and are always seeking his approval on your looks etc,
maybe its time you cut your losses with him and found someone that you can truly be happy with.
Good luck X
Torn - Need Advice
Kitty, I'm going to bump a thread of yours from back in April. Read it
to yourself and see if you want to keep on this way.
to yourself and see if you want to keep on this way.
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
Thank you everyone - I think you're right. I just feel like I put so much of myself into the relationship...if I end it, I lose everything. I guess I'm already lost.
Kitty :p
Torn - Need Advice
KittylovingBlond wrote: Thank you everyone - I think you're right. I just feel like I put so much of myself into the relationship...if I end it, I lose everything. I guess I'm already lost.
:(WHAT?? You dont lose anything!
what you do is gain experience, what's the point of going through another 3+ years of insecurity
feeling the way you do?
:(WHAT?? You dont lose anything!
what you do is gain experience, what's the point of going through another 3+ years of insecurity
feeling the way you do?
Torn - Need Advice
KittyLovingBlond. I agree with the others. You should give him up.
But I also think you need to look at yourself. Excuse me for being so bold, but you don't seem to have a lot of self-esteem. You don't seem to have a lot of self-confidence.
Before you venture into another relationship, take some time out and think about yourself.
Who are you? How close are you to your family? Where do your loyalties lie? Who are your true friends?
What types of people do you like mixing with? How many children do you want? Can you make a living off your own back?
What values are important to you? Why? Do you have a mission in life? Do you feel you have a purpose? What are your goals? Can you stand up for yourself? Are you dependent on someone else for your physical and emotional needs?
How much do you love yourself? Do you think you are worthy of love? Are you denying yourself? Why?
Can you answer these questions, or do they make you angry?
If I'm asking too many questions, just tell me to mind my own business.
But I also think you need to look at yourself. Excuse me for being so bold, but you don't seem to have a lot of self-esteem. You don't seem to have a lot of self-confidence.
Before you venture into another relationship, take some time out and think about yourself.
Who are you? How close are you to your family? Where do your loyalties lie? Who are your true friends?
What types of people do you like mixing with? How many children do you want? Can you make a living off your own back?
What values are important to you? Why? Do you have a mission in life? Do you feel you have a purpose? What are your goals? Can you stand up for yourself? Are you dependent on someone else for your physical and emotional needs?
How much do you love yourself? Do you think you are worthy of love? Are you denying yourself? Why?
Can you answer these questions, or do they make you angry?
If I'm asking too many questions, just tell me to mind my own business.
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
OpenMind wrote: KittyLovingBlond. I agree with the others. You should give him up.
But I also think you need to look at yourself. Excuse me for being so bold, but you don't seem to have a lot of self-esteem. You don't seem to have a lot of self-confidence.
Before you venture into another relationship, take some time out and think about yourself.
Who are you? How close are you to your family? Where do your loyalties lie? Who are your true friends?
What types of people do you like mixing with? How many children do you want? Can you make a living off your own back?
What values are important to you? Why? Do you have a mission in life? Do you feel you have a purpose? What are your goals? Can you stand up for yourself? Are you dependent on someone else for your physical and emotional needs?
How much do you love yourself? Do you think you are worthy of love? Are you denying yourself? Why?
Can you answer these questions, or do they make you angry?
If I'm asking too many questions, just tell me to mind my own business.
You're not asking too many questions at all. You're asking the right questions, and ones that I have to think about. I've been living alone for about 2 years now in a condo I bought out of college. I am going to graduate school now and working full time. I generally feel pretty good about myself, my job, my life, etc. I am very close with my family, and I put them above all else. What has destroyed me is that I feel like I am completely deserving of my boyfriend's love, that I am an extremely reasonable person with standard expectations. Things have been rocky with us lately, and his statement about not thinking about marriage really threw me for a loop. I reacted violently, imploding....losing all feeling of acceptance and happiness. I thought that we were both striving for the same thing. It was just a major crush to my system, and I reacted by getting completely plastered. Had I not been drinking, nothing would ever have happened with my friend. There's nothing between us, and I've cut all ties with him to make sure it never happens again. I feel terrible and yet I am not ready to cut my losses. I think I need to wait until the dust settles, until I have a clear and logical mind to make any decisions. If there were feelings involved with my friend or if I was still seeing him, I would definitely feel the need to tell my boyfriend. But since it was a horrific one time thing that I don't even remember most of, I don't think it has bearing on the relationship. What happened was a symptom - not the disease. The disease is me and my feelings of inadequacy - the disease is my need for love and affection - the disease is my needs not being met. I think you all are right about everything, I just need some time to soak it all in and make a clear and conscious decision. Thank you all for your support, and taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it.
But I also think you need to look at yourself. Excuse me for being so bold, but you don't seem to have a lot of self-esteem. You don't seem to have a lot of self-confidence.
Before you venture into another relationship, take some time out and think about yourself.
Who are you? How close are you to your family? Where do your loyalties lie? Who are your true friends?
What types of people do you like mixing with? How many children do you want? Can you make a living off your own back?
What values are important to you? Why? Do you have a mission in life? Do you feel you have a purpose? What are your goals? Can you stand up for yourself? Are you dependent on someone else for your physical and emotional needs?
How much do you love yourself? Do you think you are worthy of love? Are you denying yourself? Why?
Can you answer these questions, or do they make you angry?
If I'm asking too many questions, just tell me to mind my own business.
You're not asking too many questions at all. You're asking the right questions, and ones that I have to think about. I've been living alone for about 2 years now in a condo I bought out of college. I am going to graduate school now and working full time. I generally feel pretty good about myself, my job, my life, etc. I am very close with my family, and I put them above all else. What has destroyed me is that I feel like I am completely deserving of my boyfriend's love, that I am an extremely reasonable person with standard expectations. Things have been rocky with us lately, and his statement about not thinking about marriage really threw me for a loop. I reacted violently, imploding....losing all feeling of acceptance and happiness. I thought that we were both striving for the same thing. It was just a major crush to my system, and I reacted by getting completely plastered. Had I not been drinking, nothing would ever have happened with my friend. There's nothing between us, and I've cut all ties with him to make sure it never happens again. I feel terrible and yet I am not ready to cut my losses. I think I need to wait until the dust settles, until I have a clear and logical mind to make any decisions. If there were feelings involved with my friend or if I was still seeing him, I would definitely feel the need to tell my boyfriend. But since it was a horrific one time thing that I don't even remember most of, I don't think it has bearing on the relationship. What happened was a symptom - not the disease. The disease is me and my feelings of inadequacy - the disease is my need for love and affection - the disease is my needs not being met. I think you all are right about everything, I just need some time to soak it all in and make a clear and conscious decision. Thank you all for your support, and taking the time to read and respond. I truly appreciate it.
Kitty :p
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
PS. On the off-chance that things get better and work out with my bf, should I ever tell him?
Kitty :p
Torn - Need Advice
KittylovingBlond wrote: PS. On the off-chance that things get better and work out with my bf, should I ever tell him?That depends on if you have a conscience or not.
Torn - Need Advice
it seems you have had these same issues since your post last april. i'm not certain you really want advice. you said need for love is your disease. that's only a disease if you consider it to be. or let it remain one. why are you letting this guy use you for a floormat? THAT's the 'disease'.
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
I do have a conscience, but everyone I have talked to says that it would only destroy him, and that as long as it's not still going on or anything, that I should never tell him. One of those things you just live and learn I guess. Someone else said that it would be incredibly selfish to tell him - the only good that comes out of it is that it lessens my guilt. Maybe the punishment is living with it forever and not telling him?
Kitty :p
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
lady cop wrote: i am sorry to be harsh...but this is pathetic. 8 months (that we know about) and same crap. you're a drama queen and he's not interested. i am only saying what others are thinking. why do you keep this up? attention?
Okay, I won't post anymore. I don't consider myself a drama queen by any means but I guess since I only post here when I am feeling bad, that's all you see. I just needed some advice, sorry to bother everyone.
Take care.
Okay, I won't post anymore. I don't consider myself a drama queen by any means but I guess since I only post here when I am feeling bad, that's all you see. I just needed some advice, sorry to bother everyone.
Take care.
Kitty :p
Torn - Need Advice
KittylovingBlond wrote: I do have a conscience, but everyone I have talked to says that it would only destroy him, and that as long as it's not still going on or anything, that I should never tell him. One of those things you just live and learn I guess. Someone else said that it would be incredibly selfish to tell him - the only good that comes out of it is that it lessens my guilt. Maybe the punishment is living with it forever and not telling him?The problem is KLB secrets sometimes have a habit of coming back and biting you on the bum when you least expect it!
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The Red One
- Posts: 271
- Joined: Sun Dec 04, 2005 10:54 am
Torn - Need Advice
KLB: In a way I believe you've answered your own question. You have slept with someone else, your loyalty to him is going away. And as far as losing everything I would have to agree with Abbey what you do is gain experience, what's the point of going through another 3+ years of insecurity feeling the way you do?
Torn - Need Advice
KittylovingBlond wrote: Okay, I won't post anymore. I don't consider myself a drama queen by any means but I guess since I only post here when I am feeling bad, that's all you see. I just needed some advice, sorry to bother everyone.
Take care.
Another one gone................. Another one bites the dust....
Take care.
Another one gone................. Another one bites the dust....
"If America Was A Tree, The Left Would Root For The Termites...Greg Gutfeld."
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
Hello everyone. I know this post was from forever ago, and I doubt many, if any of you will remember it. However, just in case, I thought I'd put in an update. I hadn't mentioned in the previous posts that during this incident when I wrote "Torn," that I had been put on a medication used to treat severe depression. I was given this medication in response to telling my doctor that I felt drained and tired a lot--and have never been diagnosed with depression of any form. I've in fact never been on any medication before except for the occasional antibiotic and BC. This drug is called Cymbalta, and I was on it for 5 months. During the time I was on the drug, I felt horrible. I said and did things that I had never done before. I felt like everyone was against me, and took everything personally when it wasn't meant that way. Though some of my feelings at the time were justified, a lot of them were overwhelmingly blown out of proportion. I had no idea how strong of a drug this Cymbalta was until I saw a psychologist (also for the first time in my life) who told me it was completely unnecessary and I went off of it. The withdrawal from this drug was unimaginable...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It lasted about a month, and I am only recently completely back to "normal."
Since then, my perspective has changed considerably. I am not nearly as upset as I was then, and have really had no emotional meltdowns since that time. It's pretty amazing how something like that can affect you without you really realizing it.
Anyway, long story short-- I am still with Chris, and we are happier than ever. The faults I found in him before were exaggerated and nothing that I even think about now. I had taken everything he was doing, saying, not saying, or not doing as some kind of personal insult and basically creating my own misery. Whoever called me a drama queen back then was probably right! Any woman can back me up though, when I say that we feel so strongly about something when we are under the influence of hormonal changes or in my case emotion-altering drugs, and then later realize that we overreacted. It has taken me these several months to work through everything in my head, to come to terms with what happened back then, and what I needed to learn from it. And learn I have.
I decided beyond any doubt that I will never tell him what happened that night, and that the only person that needs to suffer from that incident is me. It sounds insane, but I am actually GLAD that it happened. I'm glad because I will never have that lurking "fantasy" of what-if that people have once they are married (or even before). That fantasy of how things would be with someone else. I've learned that not only do I only want to be with Chris for the rest of my life, but that fantasies are just that. I've been given the opportunity to experience something horrific before it could destroy a potentially wonderful marriage. I am armed now with the knowledge of what could happen and how it would impact our lives. I've never done anything like that before or since, and I make damn sure that I never put myself in a situation like that again. I have become a wiser, more mature, and most of all more loyal partner by learning that lesson first hand. Some people just need to experience things in order to understand the impact; I am one of those people. Now that I know, I am solid in my choices with Chris. I may have even saved our marriage by this happening before we are even engaged!
We have been so happy these past few months. He will never say it, but we are both so relieved that I am off of all medications, no longer in need of a psychologist, and am extremely happy in my relationship. I want to thank everyone who was supportive during my difficulties, and for the wonderful helpful advice I got as well.
I hope I'm not the only one who loves a happy ending!
Since then, my perspective has changed considerably. I am not nearly as upset as I was then, and have really had no emotional meltdowns since that time. It's pretty amazing how something like that can affect you without you really realizing it.
Anyway, long story short-- I am still with Chris, and we are happier than ever. The faults I found in him before were exaggerated and nothing that I even think about now. I had taken everything he was doing, saying, not saying, or not doing as some kind of personal insult and basically creating my own misery. Whoever called me a drama queen back then was probably right! Any woman can back me up though, when I say that we feel so strongly about something when we are under the influence of hormonal changes or in my case emotion-altering drugs, and then later realize that we overreacted. It has taken me these several months to work through everything in my head, to come to terms with what happened back then, and what I needed to learn from it. And learn I have.
I decided beyond any doubt that I will never tell him what happened that night, and that the only person that needs to suffer from that incident is me. It sounds insane, but I am actually GLAD that it happened. I'm glad because I will never have that lurking "fantasy" of what-if that people have once they are married (or even before). That fantasy of how things would be with someone else. I've learned that not only do I only want to be with Chris for the rest of my life, but that fantasies are just that. I've been given the opportunity to experience something horrific before it could destroy a potentially wonderful marriage. I am armed now with the knowledge of what could happen and how it would impact our lives. I've never done anything like that before or since, and I make damn sure that I never put myself in a situation like that again. I have become a wiser, more mature, and most of all more loyal partner by learning that lesson first hand. Some people just need to experience things in order to understand the impact; I am one of those people. Now that I know, I am solid in my choices with Chris. I may have even saved our marriage by this happening before we are even engaged!
We have been so happy these past few months. He will never say it, but we are both so relieved that I am off of all medications, no longer in need of a psychologist, and am extremely happy in my relationship. I want to thank everyone who was supportive during my difficulties, and for the wonderful helpful advice I got as well.
I hope I'm not the only one who loves a happy ending!
Kitty :p
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michelleevans
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:53 am
Torn - Need Advice
Kitty,
Listen i was in almost the same situation as you are now and let me tell you i stuck it out for 5 years. The only difference is that mine was just raised different than i was when it came to affection and all the "mushy" stuff.
His parents did not show affection to each like mine did. But it was there just different.
Like i said i was in the relationship 5 years and no commitment. like you i found someone at work that thought i was pretty and told me so. make it short he told me the things that i was wanting to hear.
I ended the 5 year with my bf and dated this guy. we even got married. but guess what i got sick he left. he said all those things to get me where he wanted me and when i could not give all he left.
after 3 years of soul searching i came to the conclusion that i had the best thing that there was and just did not realize it.
He must have also done some soul searching because we are now back together and we are getting married.
if you love your bf as much as you say you do then hang in there. dont mention the "drunk" night to him.
you never know he could be the "one" for you.
Listen i was in almost the same situation as you are now and let me tell you i stuck it out for 5 years. The only difference is that mine was just raised different than i was when it came to affection and all the "mushy" stuff.
His parents did not show affection to each like mine did. But it was there just different.
Like i said i was in the relationship 5 years and no commitment. like you i found someone at work that thought i was pretty and told me so. make it short he told me the things that i was wanting to hear.
I ended the 5 year with my bf and dated this guy. we even got married. but guess what i got sick he left. he said all those things to get me where he wanted me and when i could not give all he left.
after 3 years of soul searching i came to the conclusion that i had the best thing that there was and just did not realize it.
He must have also done some soul searching because we are now back together and we are getting married.
if you love your bf as much as you say you do then hang in there. dont mention the "drunk" night to him.
you never know he could be the "one" for you.
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pantsonfire321@aol.com
- Posts: 2920
- Joined: Fri Jan 07, 2005 8:26 am
Torn - Need Advice
Kitty,
as long as you learn from your mistakes and not carry on repeating them then i have no doubt you know what your doing - good luck for the future hunny.
xx
as long as you learn from your mistakes and not carry on repeating them then i have no doubt you know what your doing - good luck for the future hunny.
xxCan go from 0 - to bitch in 3.0 seconds .
Smile people :yh_bigsmi
yep, this bitch bites back .
Smile people :yh_bigsmi
yep, this bitch bites back .
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cherandbuster
- Posts: 8594
- Joined: Mon May 15, 2006 11:33 am
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KittylovingBlond
- Posts: 52
- Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2004 12:00 pm
Torn - Need Advice
Thank you all, I'm thankful for the feedback!
I have definitely learned from my mistake. I've put my hand on the stove and I never want to put it there again. Chris is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can't let a misunderstanding and personal weakness ruin that.
You all are the best! Thanks!
I have definitely learned from my mistake. I've put my hand on the stove and I never want to put it there again. Chris is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can't let a misunderstanding and personal weakness ruin that.
You all are the best! Thanks!
Kitty :p