Is There An Appropriate Time Limit...

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:28 pm

One must wait before you should date again?

Had a customer in my office this afternoon, named Mary. She's been a widow since 2001. And I believe she's in her late 60's early 70's age range. Mary started talking about her relationship with this man David, that she's been seeing since December of 2002, he's in his 70's. His wife passed away in March of 2002.

Mary told me how upset David's son was and still is because dad started seeing her "too soon" after his mother passed away. This son is in his 50's. For the last 10 years, David's catered to his wifes every need since she was blind and confined to a wheel chair. He cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc., until his wife passed away. He was very dedicated to her.

Well Mary said, since David and I have been seeing each other, we have done some traveling to Hawaii, Alaska, Florida and this coming March plan a trip to Panama. David told her that he could not enjoy these trips with his wife because she could not see for herself, the beauty in these places. Mary is very disturbed by the fact that his son cannot accept them seeing each other and their relationship causes such hurt feelings between the three of them. They don't plan on marrying, they both have their own homes and money. But they do enjoy each others company, have a wonderful time together and are happy.

So my questions are:

Is there a proper time limit one should set before dating again?

Should family be permitted to meddle?

Should one be so concerned about what others think that you would contemplate ending a relationship?

minks · Post by **minks** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:32 pm

So my questions are:

Is there a proper time limit one should set before dating again?

Should family be permitted to meddle?

Should one be so concerned about what others think that you would contemplate ending a relationship?

no

no and

no

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 4:37 pm

the family member should be allowed some happiness. but kids can be understood for their feelings. my dad passed before my mom. we could not conceive of such a thing. 43 years of marriage. but people are entitled to be happy.

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:12 pm

lady cop wrote: the family member should be allowed some happiness. but kids can be understood for their feelings. my dad passed before my mom. we could not conceive of such a thing. 43 years of marriage. but people are entitled to be happy.

My parents were married 52 years when my dad past. I was brought up to believe and still do, that life is choices. I don't believe it would be appropriate to interfere in a parents decision to date again, especially that late in life. True, the family member should be allowed some happiness....but, shouldn't that be the parents choice, not the childs?

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:20 pm

I think you might want to consider that 2 lives have been spent in the company of a loved one. It might just be that being alone is too difficult and another relationship fills this need. When you are older - it isn't so much about lust as it is companionship. They share the same decades of memories and have much in common. HECK - they probably don't have more than 20 years left on this earth so I say they should make the most of it.

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:30 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I'm bothered by the ones that get married four months after their spouse dies. I know from observation that there's an awful lot of predators out there. A co-worker in his late 50s lost his wife about two years ago and the women were crawling out of the wordwork... even the mortuary representative was hitting on him. He's since remarried to someone that heard about his wife dying and contacted him by email, repeatedly (he had no idea who she was) until he finally decided she'd be a great wife. :rolleyes: Oh yeah, did I mention his wife had a rather large insurance policy.

Too many creepy people out there! I think a person that's lost a spouse should allow themselves time to recover rather than rushing out and marrying the first available person because they're lonely.

Snooze, I'm curious now...what "time frame" would you put on "recover?" I understand your story and all but 2 years after your co-workers wife passed away should be more than enough to make a life decision and his own.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:35 pm

nvalleyvee wrote: I think you might want to consider that 2 lives have been spent in the company of a loved one. It might just be that being alone is too difficult and another relationship fills this need. When you are older - it isn't so much about lust as it is companionship. They share the same decades of memories and have much in common. HECK - they probably don't have more than 20 years left on this earth so I say they should make the most of it.
That's very well said, NV. Companionship is so very important for all of us.

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:37 pm

SnoozeControl wrote:

I dunno, maybe a year? That seems decorous enough to appease the kids. What do you think?
The couple in CD's story have been seeing each other for a few years now and still the son does not accept this. So how do you appease the kids? Why should they?

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:38 pm

My dad passed away in Oct of 2002 - and I would shoot the man who dare walk into my moms world.....DEAD................

:mad: :yh_devil :yh_angry :yh_mean

--

-

-OK so maybe not........But damn it would be hard....I think they should be happy if thats what they want - My question is....does the son think ol daddy is spending his inheritance??? LOL

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:40 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I can't really arbitrarily assign some length of time that's suitable, but in this case, the woman started emailing him within a month of his wife's death and was very persistent. I get a bad feeling from that.

I dunno, maybe a year? That seems decorous enough to appease the kids. What do you think?
The attitute reflected in this post does not seem to go hand in hand with the person I've gleamed from your previous posts.

Acceptance by the 'children' surely would make life more bearable, but at what price do you seek this?

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:40 pm

mominiowa wrote: My dad passed away in Oct of 2002 - and I would shoot the man who dare walk into my moms world.....DEAD................

:mad: :yh_devil :yh_angry :yh_mean

--

-

-OK so maybe not........But damn it would be hard....I think they should be happy if thats what they want - My question is....does the son think ol daddy is spending his inheritance??? LOL
What differnce does it make if daddy spends the childs inheritance? It's his money to begin with...not the childs. The child only receives what's left after daddy decides how much fun he will have while he's still alive. Right?

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:43 pm

Lil~Basco wrote: What differnce does it make if daddy spends the childs inheritance? It's his money to begin with...not the childs. The child only receives what's left after daddy decides how much fun he will have while he's still alive. Right?

One of the problems right up front is the conotation of the parents assets being the 'child's inheiritance'. We should change the way we speak of this. Nothing, but nothing is the 'child's' until the parent((s) is dead. We could probably brainstorm up a new word or phrase to cover this. Any ideas?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:45 pm

Gift. It is a gift from the parent to the child, after their passing.

What is more important, is the legacy of love and family they have been given during their lifetime.

That is immeasurable.

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:47 pm

SOJOURNER wrote: One of the problems right up front is the conotation of the parents assets being the 'child's inheiritance'. We should change the way we speak of this. Nothing, but nothing is the 'child's' until the parent((s) is dead. We could probably brainstorm up a new word or phrase to cover this. Any ideas?

I was quoting from mominiowa's post. SoJo, you couldn't have said it any clearer!!!!

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:52 pm

CountryDweller wrote: They don't plan on marrying, they both have their own homes and money. But they do enjoy each others company, have a wonderful time together and are happy.

So my questions are:

Is there a proper time limit one should set before dating again?

Should family be permitted to meddle?

Should one be so concerned about what others think that you would contemplate ending a relationship?

They enjoy each others company and are happy, have their own homes and their own money!

Nobody's business but their own! Like you said snooze...screw the son!

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 5:57 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Of course the children should have some input! If the son's 50 years old, he's known dad about 49 years longer than the girlfriend. I'm not talking about some unreasonable middle aged man that's possibly is worried about his inheritance, as Mom said, but a reasonable person that's concerned for their parent's welfare.
Snooze Baby, you want the parent to run it by the child?

I can see sharing with them, but looking for approval - NO!

The gray heads, the golden oldies, or however you wish to call them, they still have the right to make their own mistakes, just like the young people do.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:01 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: So you don't think any input is welcome?
Heavens NO! Sharing is good. Sharing is very, very good. Running your life on the waves of your children's fears is shortchanging more than just your own life.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:08 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Next you'll be pulling that Catholic guilt trip on me my mom was so good at...

"Dear, I'm very disappointed in you." :rolleyes:
No guilt trip from here. I was just surprised by your stand on this. It didn't seem to fit the Snoozie-Poo that usually posts. I mean no offense. It was just an observation.

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:13 pm

I think Mary and David should enjoy their lives.. they were dedicated spouses to their deceased loved one. Doesn't mean they have to stop living as well.. We only get to do this once, enjoy every minute of it. Sounds like they have a lovely relationship. I would think the Son would be happy that his father has someone to travel with and enjoy life. Sometimes kids mean well but should stay out of their parents business. Its not like they are 21 year olds, and going to start a family.. I say Mary and David enjoy and have a great trip..

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:19 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Next you'll be pulling that Catholic guilt trip on me my mom was so good at...

"Dear, I'm very disappointed in you." :rolleyes:

Hahahahaha...Like this one snooze!

Let me tell you something....I lost my husband 9 months ago. I have a son. And it would be a cold day in hell before my son would be able to give me advise regarding who I could see, date, keep company with or to marry. That is my decision. I am the parent, he is the child. Respect my decision, or don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out. I do what makes me happy, it is my life to do so. And if my son would ever bring up "his inheritance," I'd make sure it would all be left to worthy causes. I think children should give their parents credit for having some brain power left to make the right decisions and feel blessed they could find happiness again.

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:25 pm

I see.

Attached files

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:46 pm

Snooze, Everyone is different in their grief, you never know how strong the bond was with this man first wife. Maybe he fell out of love with her long ago and out of respect for family and kids stayed with her. Which was respectful. Now that she is gone its his time now he is alive and so be it if it wasn't a year it won't bring her back, and it won't change a thing !!... Everyone deserves happiness and they ain't spring chickens anymore..

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Mon Dec 12, 2005 8:06 pm

My first wife died quite suddenly and I was a widower at age 50. There was one married daughter with two children from our marriage. I started dating about one month after my wife died. This was fine with my daughter as she was aware of her mother's an my attitude about one or the other of us dying and what we would do. We both had a realistic attitude about death and dying and had agreed to get on with our life if the other passed on. We had a great marriage and if she had not died, we would still be married. I was single for five years before marrying again. I like marriage, but did not need a cook, housekeeper, seamstress or gardener. I was and am a pretty self relient male and other than gardening (which I hate), can do these things for myself. Having met a number of widows during my dating period, I would have to say that I think dating and meeting the opposite sex is much easier for the male.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:47 am

SnoozeControl wrote: I'm bothered by the ones that get married four months after their spouse dies. I know from observation that there's an awful lot of predators out there. A co-worker in his late 50s lost his wife about two years ago and the women were crawling out of the wordwork... even the mortuary representative was hitting on him. He's since remarried to someone that heard about his wife dying and contacted him by email, repeatedly (he had no idea who she was) until he finally decided she'd be a great wife. :rolleyes: Oh yeah, did I mention his wife had a rather large insurance policy.

Too many creepy people out there! I think a person that's lost a spouse should allow themselves time to recover rather than rushing out and marrying the first available person because they're lonely.How is the marriage working out?

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 2:06 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Here's the perfect reason why children should be worried about dad marrying again:

If my dad thought he could pull a bird like that, my mum would be under the patio :wah: .

(just joking)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:49 am

Is there a proper time limit one should set before dating again?

Yes there is, and each person and situation is different. It depends on the circumstances.

Should family be permitted to meddle? Never, ever, under any circumstances. Especially not at the couple's age. I'm pretty sure they've been around the block enough times to know what the hell they are doing. Tell sonny boy to BUTT OUT.

Should one be so concerned about what others think that you would contemplate ending a relationship? No. The only opinions that matter are the opinions of the two involved in the relationship. Period, end of sentence.

CountryDweller · Post by **CountryDweller** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 8:34 am

BabyRider wrote: Is there a proper time limit one should set before dating again?

Yes there is, and each person and situation is different. It depends on the circumstances.

Should family be permitted to meddle? Never, ever, under any circumstances. Especially not at the couple's age. I'm pretty sure they've been around the block enough times to know what the hell they are doing. Tell sonny boy to BUTT OUT.

Should one be so concerned about what others think that you would contemplate ending a relationship? No. The only opinions that matter are the opinions of the two involved in the relationship. Period, end of sentence.

I liked what you said here, BR. Carla made some excellent points to ponder too.

Another customer told me this morning, "Never involve yourself in a relationship more than you can afford to loose." He is 82. He also tells me that people his age just are looking for companionship because they are lonely and miss their spouse. Dinner, conversation and a few laughs is all they are looking for.

After reading all the posts here, I think inheritance plays an important role in certain age groups for children, verses being older and wanting parents to choose for themselves, what would make them happy.

With my own mother, 84 years old.....she's always asking me what I think. I always tell her, what I think isn't important, she has to make her own choices and deal with the concequences of those choices.

Thanks to everyone for your input on this subject!

teech · Post by **teech** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 12:32 pm

I'm 31 and recently divorced. I am dating up a storm. If either of my parents were to interfere with my love life claiming it was too soon after my divorce, questioning whether I'd started any of these relationships before I got divorced etc I'd tell them where to go!

Why should it be any different if one of them were single again? Why should it matter if their new spouse spent all their money as long as they were happy! And if it all went pear shaped I'd be there with a hanky not an I told you so...

SOJOURNER · Post by **SOJOURNER** » Mon Dec 19, 2005 8:05 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: I still think people should allow themselves time to grieve. However long that would be is entirely up to them.

entirely up to them -- I take that you mean without children's interference..............

Yavanna · Post by **Yavanna** » Tue Dec 20, 2005 6:57 am

Just my opinion

I know I should say that people have a right to be happy and that falling in love with someone new doesn't happen according to a timescale etc - but actually, I really think that it can be incredibly hurtful to close relatives if a family member remarries/hooks up with someone quickly after a bereavement. It can appear to be a reflection on how important the deceased person was ; ie if s/he can remarry so quickly, it's clear that mum/dad didn't mean that much to them.

I'm sure that's not how the survivor sees it. If you've lost someone you loved, you realise how short life can be, and how little time we have. It makes you appreciate what's really important (ie love) and I'm sure that can propel you into a new relationship more quickly than otherwise would have been the case.

I also think that men who've been bereaved tend to move into a new relationship more quickly than women ; I can't prove that - it's based on personal observation.

Still - when all's said and done I know that if my dad remarried 6 months after my mother died (or vice versa) I'd be deeply offended. And I would expect him/her to take my views into account for a period of time.

teech · Post by **teech** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 8:17 am

Yavanna wrote: but actually, I really think that it can be incredibly hurtful to close relatives if a family member remarries/hooks up with someone quickly after a bereavement. It can appear to be a reflection on how important the deceased person was ; ie if s/he can remarry so quickly, it's clear that mum/dad didn't mean that much to them.

Still - when all's said and done I know that if my dad remarried 6 months after my mother died (or vice versa) I'd be deeply offended. And I would expect him/her to take my views into account for a period of time.
I appreciate what you are saying, but I think it's incredibly unfair to insist that people change their behaviour because of your grief. The relationship with a spouse is conditional love, between parents and children it's unconditional. The same goes for siblings etc. It's a whole different emotion.

I don't know if you have siblings, but here's a for instance to ponder. My sister-in-law dies and my brother is heartbroken. Four months later he meets someone and falls in love. After six months they move in and I can see how happy he is. He still mourns his wife, but day to day life is much easier with a loving, supportive partner. I support them.

OR

My brother dies. My sister-in-law does exactly the same. I get all judgemental because she is dishonouring the memory of my brother who I am still grieving for because we are very close and I loved him unconditionally.

Is this fair? I know it's taking it out of the parent/child loop, which is obviously even more emotive, but I think it shows the double standards that can exist...

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Thu Dec 22, 2005 1:57 pm

I take a different view on this. I totally understand why the son feels as he does and I don't think at this early stage that his feelings are wrong. If you check the etiquette books or maybe Dear Abby, they usually say a year is a good enough time period. There are reasons for this. This affords more respect to the bereaved instead of making it look like you couldn't wait to bury your dead and get back in the dating circuit.

123cat · Post by **123cat** » Sat Jan 21, 2006 2:13 pm

As soon as you're able to spend an entire evening talking with out boring the other person about your previous relationship.