Opposite-Sex Friendships...What's Bugging Me

BruiserKC · Post by **BruiserKC** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:00 pm

OK...I'm relatively new to this forum. I'm just reading the posts and just picking my spots to fit in right now. This has annoyed me for a while, so I think this is the place to vent.

I've been married for almost nine years...have two little children. Outside my marriage, three of my closest friends are females. I've been through a lot with them and I think the world of them. Whenver I see one, two, or all three of them, they always have a hug and/or a kiss on the cheek for me and I usually do for them as well. I can share anything I'm feeling with them and they do the same for me.

The thing that people seem to have a hard time believing is this...all three of them would definitely be attractive by most people's standards. However, I have never had any romantic or physical attraction to them in any way. I care about them, in fact at one time or another I've told all three of them that I've loved them as their friendships mean a great deal to me. They all have relationships of their own and a couple of them have children. I'm happy with the way things are.

Yet it annoys me that co-workers, people we run into, etc...can't find it possible that this is even possible. One went so far as to quote the old Chris Rock line, "There are no platonic friends, only women men ain't f***ked yet." (Coarse I know but I wanted to put it here to make a point). Even as I'm married, they ask have I ever considered dating or having sex with one of them. A couple of my wife's family members have objected to me having female friends on my own terms that don't involve both me and the wife.

Everywhere I turn at message boards, books, etc...I keep getting the impression that somehow, someway, platonic friendship with the opposite sex can't exist or last. "When Harry Met Sally", "My Best Friends' Wedding", and others seem to enforce that in Hollywood.

My wife is OK with the state of my friendships...she says as long as the line isn't crossed she's fine. There is not an issue there, we've never come anywhere close to crossing the line nor will we reach that point. But everywhere else I turn, my friendships seem to be met with disbelief and/or winks of "Sure you're friends." :-5

I feel I'm fairly restrained here...I'm usually a straight-forward guy and not much for flowery talk to make my point. It just drives me nuts that people can't even picture that platonic friendships can not only exist, but be very fulfilling to your life and fit in even if you are married and/or have children.

I could use some thoughts on this...am I blowing this out of proportion or are the naysayers being the twits?

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:18 pm

EXSQUEEZE ME - you are looking for a way to cheat on your wife. I stand by this.......look inside yourself. OK - do you spend outside time from your WIFE with these women...............I'm SORRY - get OVER IT. You want them and you know you do...........SHAME on YOU.

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:20 pm

What does it really matter what co-workers or relatives think about the friendships you choose to have. It appears that your wife is ok with it, even though she's brought it to your attention, not to cross the line.

Approval seeking to me is a sign of self doubt. The only stamp of approval you need is your own.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 7:21 pm

Lil~Basco wrote: What does it really matter what co-workers or relatives think about the friendships you choose to have. It appears that your wife is ok with it, even though she's brought it to your attention, not to cross the line.

Approval seeking to me is a sign of self doubt. The only stamp of approval you need is your own.

Your wife is OBVIOUSLY upset if she brought it to your attention..............BONEHEAD

WHO DO YOU LOVE.................WHO DO YOU CARE ABOUT??????????? Enough Said

St Ives · Post by **St Ives** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:02 pm

I hear you - I have had a very special male friend who is young enough to be my son. Some people just have sick minds from some of the comments we have heard!! I suppose some would say it is good for my ego to have a 'toyboy'. Not sure I would know what to do with one, if truth be told.

Tom lost his mom when he was 14 and had kinda drifted through life. He met my daughter through a mutaul friend and she introduced us. We connected. He found someone older who could see his pain and made no judgements and I gained a friend who was there through thick and thin. Without him I woud never have survived my divorce.

It has just never crossed our minds to step over the boundary and he gives great hugs. Why the hell would I want to loose my best friend just for a quickie or what ever! What we have is very special and there is no way on earth that I would jepordise that for sex.

I enjoy male company but am not prepared to 'hit the sack' with them - conversation and respect count for alot more.

As long as the important people in your life are comfortable with situation then it should never be a problem. My kids, both younger than Tom think it is wonderful the support and bond that we have.

Ooooooooooppps sorry will get off my soap box now. And NO Tom had nothing to do with why my ex and I divorced.

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:11 pm

if friends fit into your life and your wife is cool with it then that is all that matters. Don't let co workers or other friends or family members get in the way. Presuming you are honest with us here about your wife happy with the friendships then enjoy enjoy enjoy.

As for you 2 hens there at the beginning jumping in like that (no names but one rhymes with envy and the other with splooze)..... stop it and behave yourselves will ya sheesh.

tsk tsk tsk some of our gals here no not their limits hehehehehehehehehe

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:13 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: Pardon my scepticism, but men are different. Have hole will travel.

walking away from this one.... hehehehe

BruiserKC · Post by **BruiserKC** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:34 pm

I do happen to have male friends also...and I do with them all the things that guys do when together. Drink beer, watch sports, belch, look at passing women...so my hormones aren't out of whack if that's what you're thinking.

Obviously I treat my female friends differently than my male friends...women are less likely to enjoy the "pull my finger" bit.

I just find it funny that people can't (or won't) believe that it is possible that you can have a friend that is of the opposite sex without thinking of whether or not you can wine 'em, dine 'em, and hop into bed with them eventually.

Some of the comments made here just proved my point.

Lon · Post by **Lon** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:49 pm

I am 71 years of age and over the years up to the present, my best friends have always been female. A number have been extremely attractive and a couple are lesbians. These relationships with other women have always been aceptable to my spouses and neither ever felt jealous or threatened. I enjoy male companionship on a limited basis but detest the superficiality and macho bullshit of the vast majority of my sex. Men seem to like to keep a wall around their feelings and are reluctant to discuss health matters or any subject that might indicate that they are weak. I will talk business and sports with male friends but have really never had a close male friend that I would confide in.

mominiowa · Post by **mominiowa** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 9:07 pm

I have several male friends and one that I had dated even-- we have become the best of friends and I even helped plan how he would ask his future wife to marry him in Florida.. I see nothing wrong with it.I of course have been on the cheating end of it - when my friends cheated with my X......BUT even through all of that I feel that there is nothing wrong with it at all...My hubby has a friend that is a woman and she and I are friends..She supported him through his first divorce and there is nothing wrong with that. I know where I sleep at night- I know where he sleeps at night and thats that......and if anyone should say different - it is NONE of there business..

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Fri Jan 06, 2006 11:36 pm

I tend to get along with men better then women. I really hate the whole - how does my hair, make-up, outfit - look thing. Paint your nails whatever color you want and get over yourself already! (I have a daughter that can't take the dog out to **** without doing her hair! Drives me crazy!)

I believe that members of the opposite sex can be friends without delving into the whole sex thing. So long as your wife is ok with it, then what the hell, be friends with who you want.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:09 am

nvalleyvee wrote: EXSQUEEZE ME - you are looking for a way to cheat on your wife. I stand by this.......look inside yourself. OK - do you spend outside time from your WIFE with these women...............I'm SORRY - get OVER IT. You want them and you know you do...........SHAME on YOU.
Wow, I didn't get that impression at all. He was pretty emphatic that his intentions were NOT of a sexual nature.

After reading this thread I'm a bit surprised at the responses. Some people I would have bet my last paycheck would have said it's cool have proven me wrong. I can't find any reason not to have friends of either sex. I have a bunch of friends that are guys and very few that are women. I have managed not to sleep with any of them. My husband knows them and is fine with all of them. He knows who I come home to.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 2:17 am

Clancy wrote: few sh*t stirring co-workers, tell them, skirt chasing is one thing, and being friends is something else...then tell them, go ****, themselves[.....]

[....]let them yak behind your back and not to your face , from what you've described , they sound like muppets anyway.
'Nuff said. Good job, Clancy.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 6:32 am

in my profession most people i know are men. i like them. we get along, we laugh, we talk, we respect each other, we email, we joke, but most of all this...we back each other. i like the men i know.

jennyswan · Post by **jennyswan** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 9:37 am

What does it really matter what co-workers or relatives think about the friendships you choose to have. It appears that your wife is ok with it, even though she's brought it to your attention, not to cross the line.

Approval seeking to me is a sign of self doubt. The only stamp of approval you need is your own.

I agree with this opinion.

Who gives a f**k what others think anyway. They are only poor jealous sods who are so un-interesting they don't even have friends :wah:

Do what's cool for you!!

My guy also have female friends and I've no problem with it. Why would I? Im great in my own right.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 10:10 am

jennyswan wrote: I agree with this opinion.

Who gives a f**k what others think anyway. They are only poor jealous sods who are so un-interesting they don't even have friends :wah:

Do what's cool for you!!

My guy also have female friends and I've no problem with it. Why would I? Im great in my own right.

Live and learn I guess................:-4

pina · Post by **pina** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 4:52 pm

flopstock wrote: I hear ya girl! I definitely agree that we are sexual beings and that monogamy isn't natural.. unfortunately, I've the the heart of a slut and the body of mother superior..

Are you trying to tell me that folks talk about me behind my back? And it's not just about how I dress or do my job or how dull I am? :-3

I get wierd looks too, ya know.. the day I wore two different shoes to work was the worst .

You must be my twin :yh_rotfl

This reminded me of the day I went to work with a hair roller in the back of my hair and didn't find it until late afternoon.

The worst of it was I was working at a different branch of the bank covering for someone off sick, so I didn't know any of the staff there.

BruiserKC · Post by **BruiserKC** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:02 pm

First of all...I'm man enough without having to make this my 1st convo. Let's make that clear first and foremost. I'm not asking for reinforcement of the manhood here.

I think the reason that I'm getting dumped on is that...they obviously don't believe in platonic friendship/love with members of the opposite sex. Plus, I am so passionate on my point of view that it could be mistaken as "Protesting too loudly"...therefore that I scream from the rooftop is because I really don't believe it myself. But that's on them.

I just find it interesting that everywhere we turn, it's so ingrained in us anymore that platonic friendships can't exist. Sex sells on TV, women are either to hook up with or are sex objects to lust at or sell their beer, shirts, whatever. Movies and TV shows seem to feed to us the idea that eventually all friendships turn into romance. Add to the mix being married...suddenly it's as if you can't have an opposite sex-friend unless it's in a couples environment. How dare you have it on your own terms and separate from friends you share with your spouse.

I'm an exception to the "rule"...or I'm walking proof that it can happen. It's amazing the haters don't get it. Oh well...I guess it's on them.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:39 pm

er....did you see my post? most of my friends are men, no big deal.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 1:42 am

flopstock wrote: I don't think it's exceptional..or perhaps it is only exceptional in your mind or amongst the guys you hang out with. What I do find exceptional is all the conversations you appear to have on the subject... message boards, friends, co-workers, relatives, the wife, here...

That's what's exceptional...why do you suppose you can't let it go?:-2
NOW I understand where you're coming from. Sistah, I have seeeeeen the light!!! :yh_rotfl

Actually, I still don't think it's a big a deal as everyone is making it out to be, but I can see what you mean.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 9:44 am

SnoozeControl wrote: Are you joking? I can play the fool with a male co-worker that's a very devout Mormon (making stupid faces at each other and laughing) and I get weird looks. I've been out to breakfast with another male co-worker and I hear strange rumors. And I'm not a looker by any means... it just seems to be how people think. And unfortunately, it ends up being the truth a high number of times... I'm the last person to suspect an extra-marital affair until I see the couple out in public holding hands. Humans are sexual beings and I really don't think monogamy is natural.

Sorry.

and how many times do we hear, "It just Happened"

we didn't mean for it to.

nvalleyvee · Post by **nvalleyvee** » Sun Jan 08, 2006 2:23 pm

minks wrote: if friends fit into your life and your wife is cool with it then that is all that matters. Don't let co workers or other friends or family members get in the way. Presuming you are honest with us here about your wife happy with the friendships then enjoy enjoy enjoy.

As for you 2 hens there at the beginning jumping in like that (no names but one rhymes with envy and the other with splooze)..... stop it and behave yourselves will ya sheesh.

tsk tsk tsk some of our gals here no not their limits hehehehehehehehehe

Point taken Minks and thanks for bit*ch slapping me..........:wah: I don't think it is proper so socialize outside of work with people of the opposite sex unless all significant others are included. If it IS just a work relationship then go for it at work and to hell with all the gossip (it may cost you some loss of respect though).

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Mon Jan 09, 2006 1:07 am

flopstock wrote: doesn't matter how often you hear it... if it happens, they let it.

This is true and any girlfriend/wife who condones such a thing is a fool and is asking for trouble or maybe she could give a crap, but to quote Snooze:

. Humans are sexual beings and I really don't think monogamy is natural.

Sorry.

StupidCowboyTricks · Post by **StupidCowboyTricks** » Mon Jan 09, 2006 1:11 am

Clancy wrote: Just a thought....what would be the reaction had the roles been reversed, and that had been a woman who submitted that letter, and the males in here had called her a

&%$$-hound ?

I'm not in his corner as it were, but I'd like to read some views on this , please

LOL......Youre kidding right?

I think the male would fare much better.

BruiserKC · Post by **BruiserKC** » Mon Jan 09, 2006 5:39 pm

JAB wrote: Maybe he just had a recent experience where someone took him to task for his platonic friendship. It's fresh in his mind so he posted here. Simple as that. I don't see why we should infer he's got an ulterior motive for joining and talking about it.

Actually, it's an issue of one comment too many. I've heard them for years and up until recently I've let it go. I'm usually pretty easy-going and most things I let slide. However, when you hear them enough times it gets to bugging you. I'm one of those that takes his friendships VERY seriously also.

So, I took it upon myself to study the issue...no I didn't go to a million message boards to respond but I did read what was out there. A lot of what I saw said to me that a lot of people don't think that platonic friendships can last or are a good idea. Such as many people took to studying Islam after 9/11 and what Islam entails...such is the approach I took. Most of those people aren't preparing to pray to Mecca five times a day. They just want to be informed. I also want to be informed.

I've talked to my wife about it...ab-so-freaking-lute-ly. After all, she's the one I come home to at night and I better be making sure that she is OK with what goes on. She trusts me, she has met all three of my friends obviously and they've all socialized with her.

As for it being my first discussion on this board...so what? Would it be different if I was posting on journals, news, sports, etc? It's not an issue of letting it go...this is my letting it go as I've heard the snide comments for years and finally reached the point where I had to vent.

I'm obviously asking for viewpoints and thoughts here...trolls need not apply. And that's all I have to say on the subject.