Ways to Apologize to Acquaintances

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 6:46 pm

Well, I will go ahead and explain it as briefly and to the point as possible to those who haven't been keeping up with my threads:

Basically, I met this guy last summer at my job (he's a student while I am a computer lab technician), and I *thought* he offered friendship to me when he told me, "We could email as friends."

He works at a film developing center, so he was interested in my European vacation and even offered to develop my vacation photos. During that last week when we got together at my job while subbing for his computer classes, we would chit-chat. My sub lesson plans for both of his classes that week just called for "lab time" without any lecture just leaving students working on their homework. That's why we had a chance to just talk.

It was just wonderful to be able to sit and chat with whom I thought of as "my first male friend." We are both in agreement there is and will never been any other attraction other than friendship because he is gay. I did not know that beforehand. But anyway, it was just so lovely to talk with a guy who treats me like myself and not tries to hit on me or acts like a pig. He was just very sincere, and I totally respected that in him as a human being.

He has emailed me a couple of times from then until now. I have brought up if he wants to hang out, and he has said "sure" everytime I ask, but there has nothing been set in stone thereafter. He is a majorily busy person (works 55 hours a week, takes college classes, helps his elderly grandma, has a boyfriend, etc). He is quite studious and into working.

When his birthday came in mid-October, I bought a birthday card and wrote a message thanking him for his friendship offer. I was quite sincere and made it clear I think of him as a friend. On top of that, I invited him to a birthday lunch - I always invite friends out to lunch to celebrate. The next time I saw him in person, we talked a bit about his card and it seemed he felt quite embarrassed about it. Ooops.

During the Christmas break, I went to take in some more photos to develop so I can get a chance to chit-chat with him. We talked for a while, but we always seem to talk about academics and work-related situations. Once again, I brought up the hanging out, and he said he'd email me his schedule. Well, that's been the first days of January and still NOT one word from him! That same day I asked about the hanging out, I noticed he seemed quite unhappy when I'd ask how his Christmas/New Years was, so I called (yes, I asked for his cell number back in September) and left a message saying I have a feeling he didn't seem happy and offered if he wanted to talk, he can count on me. Haven't heard from him since.

I sent him an email a few days ago just checking up on him apologizing if I sounded pushy, and I mentioned we didn't have to hang out. If it wasn't too late, would it be all right if we can just email each other because I just enjoyed our convo flows last summer. No response yet.... It's like pulling teeth!

Anyway, this is what I mean about apologizing to an acquaintance about implying hanging out WAY too much. What do you think? If you were him, what would be your thoughts? I don't know how else to reach him personally (other than going to his job but will feel quite uncomfortable)? I would go to his job and let him know personally, but I don't want his co-workers listening to my convo. Do you think I should? It's much more personal than emailing/calling. For some reason, I really miss those old times and am impatient to see if we do become close friends. It would be a dream for me!!

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 6:52 pm

i think he is trying to let you down kindly and you must back off completely before it becomes embarrassing to both of you. and don't go to his job, he may be friendly but start to perceive you as being a stalker. i know this is not what you wanted to hear, but i can "feel" that he is gently letting you know he is not interested in a friendship. best wishes....

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Sat Jan 29, 2005 7:50 pm

I agree with LADYCOP, :-3

He is sending a message. He is either not sure about being your friend, or he just doesn't have the time or the desire at this point in his life.

Pursuring it would be a mistake. Your intentions were good, leave it at that..

You have extended an invitation many time, with no response. THAT IS THE MESSAGE HE IS SENDING..

You maybe surprised, some point down the road you may hear from him. Let it be, don't push yourself on anyone.. Tends to make people skiddish..!!

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 2:16 am

Hi Swedeace, just re-read all your previous posts and there does seem to be something wrong with this friendship, it seems to me that its all one sided and apart from a couple of long conversations in the 7 months you've known him you've had little or no contact with him at all and any contact was instigated by yourself.

For your own sake i really do urge you to move on, you dont really know this guy maybe he's like this with all his friends, some people wont let others near them emotionally.

A few conversations with another person does'nt make a friend, spending time getting to know each others strengths & weaknesses highs & lows, loves, loves lost, family, pets, likes, dislikes etc etc... thats what how a friendship evolves.

Maybe i'm wrong but this guy seems to be more of an aquaintance than a friend, and i know its not what you want to hear but please dont get in touch with him move on & if he gets in touch with you in the future then thats all good and proper.

It could be that he just does'nt like female friends, i have a mate who's gay & he calls girls who want to hang out with him "fag-hags" not a very nice term is it?

Stick with your other mates & hopefully you'll find a guy to love that will also be your best friend.

Good luck and please dont take offence at my post, non was intended x

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 4:53 pm

Thank you so much for your words, especially, Abbey. I am a person who doesn't give up. So yeah, I do realize to leave the ball in his court and see what he will do or if he will contact me or what. He is super busy, and he may not feel like he has time to maintain another friendship. Who knows...

I don't know. I am just growing tired of always coming across people in my life who I really want to befriend yet they're always busy, they don't make time, etc. It ALWAYS feels like I am always doing all the initiating with people in my life. I understand totally people are busy, but on the other hand, I've also seen very busy make SOME time with hanging out with acquaintances/friends. I have come across this problem with friends (my age and much older), co-workers, etc. I have hung out with SOME people, but it is WAY far in between than my sister and her friends. Therefore, my sister just compares herself to me against everyone in the world as though there has to be something set in stone. For instance, she constantly rags on me why I do not go out. I explain to her about my friends/co-workers/acquaintance situation, but she seems to not realize how difficult it is for me. With her friends... they call each other and then...bam! They do something! With me, it's like pulling teeth. I'm just FREAKIN' sick of it already!!

So what is the problem with me then? Is there a sign on my forehead that says, "Don't bother hanging out with this girl?" It's quite depressing....

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:08 pm

ScoupeSlave: Thanks for your words! Yeah, you make a lot of sense. It's just a shame because when we talked about various things, it just felt like there could be a friendship connection there. I grew excited. He says "sure" everytime I have asked, and I've given him my number, but there was no actual hanging out. It's quite depressing because I wanted, for once, to prove to my sister I could easily ask people to hang out and then actually go through with it since she is always giving me crap about not really going out as much. I tell her I DO have friends, but we don't always go out, but we do talk. She's just stubborn... :-5

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Sun Jan 30, 2005 5:57 pm

Honey, friendship is not about a competition with your sister. I have a sister who likes to compete, and it's awful! It's taken me years just to shrug, be happy for her, and then do my own thing, as I am.

Did you see Muriel's Wedding? For some reason, I am reminded of that movie. Muriel was so unhappy as she tried to be something she wasn't, to have popular friends, etc. She went to extreme lengths which alternately made me laugh or cringe.

Of course, being a movie, the happy ending is that she finds herself, and she realizes the value of her one true friendship. Better than Dancing Queen, she said (her favorite song). And as the movie wraps up, you see all of her beauty, and you are thrilled for her.

If you approach people because you find them interesting, sincere, and you feel good around them...when you want nothing from them except for them to be themselves, then you will make some lifelong friends. Being genuine is the first step.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:07 am

swedeace wrote: So what is the problem with me then? Is there a sign on my forehead that says, "Don't bother hanging out with this girl?" It's quite depressing....

This has been going on quite long enough, it seems clear that you should put it at the very back of your mind - forget this chap. Relegate him to a "Hi how are you, OK? Bye!" position. You are creating a great opportunity cost to yourself by concentrating your efforts so much. Do you live in a very small community? If not, there should be lots of other possibilities. Try tagging along with others, rather than instigating things, in the first place. Go to parties or just go along instead of trying to organise things for others. If you think there is "a sign on your forehead" (which is most unlikely in general) consider that perhaps any "acquaintances" you have may have could harbour particular opinions (perhaps erroneous ones) about you. You might, if possible, try changing your job - you will then instantly meet a whole lot of other people.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 7:09 pm

swedeace wrote: Well, I will go ahead and explain it as briefly and to the point as possible to those who haven't been keeping up with my threads:

Basically, I met this guy last summer at my job (he's a student while I am a computer lab technician), and I *thought* he offered friendship to me when he told me, "We could email as friends."

He works at a film developing center, so he was interested in my European vacation and even offered to develop my vacation photos. During that last week when we got together at my job while subbing for his computer classes, we would chit-chat. My sub lesson plans for both of his classes that week just called for "lab time" without any lecture just leaving students working on their homework. That's why we had a chance to just talk.

It was just wonderful to be able to sit and chat with whom I thought of as "my first male friend." We are both in agreement there is and will never been any other attraction other than friendship because he is gay. I did not know that beforehand. But anyway, it was just so lovely to talk with a guy who treats me like myself and not tries to hit on me or acts like a pig. He was just very sincere, and I totally respected that in him as a human being.

He has emailed me a couple of times from then until now. I have brought up if he wants to hang out, and he has said "sure" everytime I ask, but there has nothing been set in stone thereafter. He is a majorily busy person (works 55 hours a week, takes college classes, helps his elderly grandma, has a boyfriend, etc). He is quite studious and into working.

When his birthday came in mid-October, I bought a birthday card and wrote a message thanking him for his friendship offer. I was quite sincere and made it clear I think of him as a friend. On top of that, I invited him to a birthday lunch - I always invite friends out to lunch to celebrate. The next time I saw him in person, we talked a bit about his card and it seemed he felt quite embarrassed about it. Ooops.

During the Christmas break, I went to take in some more photos to develop so I can get a chance to chit-chat with him. We talked for a while, but we always seem to talk about academics and work-related situations. Once again, I brought up the hanging out, and he said he'd email me his schedule. Well, that's been the first days of January and still NOT one word from him! That same day I asked about the hanging out, I noticed he seemed quite unhappy when I'd ask how his Christmas/New Years was, so I called (yes, I asked for his cell number back in September) and left a message saying I have a feeling he didn't seem happy and offered if he wanted to talk, he can count on me. Haven't heard from him since.

I sent him an email a few days ago just checking up on him apologizing if I sounded pushy, and I mentioned we didn't have to hang out. If it wasn't too late, would it be all right if we can just email each other because I just enjoyed our convo flows last summer. No response yet.... It's like pulling teeth!

Anyway, this is what I mean about apologizing to an acquaintance about implying hanging out WAY too much. What do you think? If you were him, what would be your thoughts? I don't know how else to reach him personally (other than going to his job but will feel quite uncomfortable)? I would go to his job and let him know personally, but I don't want his co-workers listening to my convo. Do you think I should? It's much more personal than emailing/calling. For some reason, I really miss those old times and am impatient to see if we do become close friends. It would be a dream for me!!
My goodness! What an embarrassing post and thread I have created.... Who was I kidding myself? I spent WAY too much time, energy and effort without realizing this was a choice THIS guy chose - to kindly let me down with his disinterest in getting to know me as a friend. I should've just let it go long ago. I hung onto for TOO long. :rolleyes:

Well, at least I am learning by taking baby steps thanks to this book I am currently reading. It's opened up my eyes a bit.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 10:23 pm

swedeace said..to kindly let me down with his disinterest ........which is precisely what i said and i was the only person you didn't respond to....i get this a lot, i tell the truth like with angel66 and they don't want to hear it, they want tea and sympathy instead, only it doesn't work. ---don't rely on "relationship" books, rely on life and the reality that's staring you in the face.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 10:45 pm

lady cop wrote: swedeace said..to kindly let me down with his disinterest ........which is precisely what i said and i was the only person you didn't respond to....i get this a lot, i tell the truth like with angel66 and they don't want to hear it, they want tea and sympathy instead, only it doesn't work. ---don't rely on "relationship" books, rely on life and the reality that's staring you in the face. Who said it was a relationship book? No, it is not a relationship book. It's a self-improvement book for irrational thinking, CBT, and RET.

babygirl · Post by **babygirl** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 5:17 am

Lexi wrote: I am not sure what to say here, part of me feels sorry for you, that this guy was unfair in a way but alarm bells are ringing that says you have acted inappropriately, been far too pushy.

Freinds come and go in life, real friends are rare and stay forever but both are good.

Like Flopstock says go out and enjoy life and friends will come to you. If you give out vibes that say you are confident in your life and happy it says alot more than vibes that say desperate for friends.

It sounds like you are now re thinking how you approach people so best of luck to you, i'm sure you will make good friends in time.

Good luck x

i could not of said that better!!! Go out have fun and enjoy life you only get one chance at it good luck and i hope everything works out for you

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Thu Jun 16, 2005 6:35 am

What I am trying to say in my last two posts is that - yes, I DO realize my anxious behaviors created "hanging on" actions. These are quite unhealthy. I am saying that I DO realize it now.

My emotional/person problem goes beyond "the norm." I have a personal problem that I have recently begun taking closer look at through some help.

swedeace · Post by **swedeace** » Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:38 pm

flopstock wrote: See, this tells me you are a young person. Why? Because all of us old farts in here would be saying..NOT MY FAULT! , I am the way I am, It's my sisters fault..etc...

But you...you're actually taking corrective action instead of copping out. And that impresses the heck out of this old fart! :yh_worshp :yh_hugs
Yeah, placing blame on others is just not admitting. No one makes us do/feel anything. It's ultimately our decision on how we choose to feel/do.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:25 pm

When you put yourself out there you hope & maybe expect the same intent will be reciprocated but often as you have found out its not the case. Too often we take this to be a gauge or determination of our own self worth. Thats a no no.

I would spend some time examining why you pursued this as far as you did when the signs were clear or at least his lack of enthusiasm should have been a sign for you.

Theres a reason, find out what it is. Whatever it is is ok, you can use this as a learning experience and after all life is just school.

If you can come to some insightful conclusions you will grow from this, thats always a good thing !

Good luck & keep talking