Need some advice, please

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 12:39 pm

I moved in with my aunt and uncle when I was 14. They never formerly adopted me, they just had legal guardianship. Now I'm married and have 2 kids. My kids refer to them as nana and granddad. This doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that I feel like they favor my son over my daughter. They never tell me if Zakk has done anything wrong. All I hear is how smart he is, he's so good, ect. ect. ect. On the other hand I hear how Ayden has a nasty little temper, she's biting, ect ect. And this really bugs me. I'm a stay at home mom, I know my kids. Zakk gets in as much trouble and mishief as Ayden.

It really bugs me, and I'm not sure how to bring it up to my aunt and uncle, or even if I should? Any advice?

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:10 pm

Is the son the older or younger sibling?

I watched the same thing happen with two of my nieces. Their paternal grandparents (not my side of the family) absolutely favored the older over the younger. It started when they were very small. The older had some kind of hip development problem and wore a brace early on, so both started walking at the same time. Gramma was so sure the older would be traumatized that she nearly smothered her with praise for any small thing. Fine by itself, but she also bought her bigger gifts, made special trips to support her in school activities (without doing the same for the younger), etc.

My sister and her husband performed near perfect Leave It To Beaver parenting, from what I saw. I do not know how they handled his mother, but my sister was very aware of the impact it had on the older.

The girls are grown now. The older was very dependent and married poorly straight out of high school. She's twice divorced now with 3 kids, but has finally grown a head on her shoulders.

The younger always excelled, She also married an idiot fairly early, but jettisoned him almost immediately, then finished college before trying again. Now she's a teacher and has a sports star son.

I don't have advice. I hope that this story will stir some creative juices in you. Good luck. :yh_flower

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:18 pm

I always think its such a shame that some grandparents tend to favour one child,

maybe its because Zakk is older than Ayden and so they feel closer to the 1st born.

Its sure to cause resentment as Ayden grows older, best to nip it in the bud now, they may not realise that they are doing it.

Maybe you could take Zakk out for the day and leave Ayden with them, it may give them a chance to get closer to her.

I dont have any kids & could be talking utter bollocks, in which case please ignore the above :wah:

Either way good luck x

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 2:28 pm

My brother was my mums favourite and his son was her favourite grandchild....my niece is married to a twin and his mother favours the other twin.....life is mad...people are strange. Sometimes girls are favoured over boys and vice versa...I have no answers. It is something to be lived with i guess. If the situation makes the little one unhappy, i would definitely mention it ...It may be unintentional but best sorted out i think as it is obviously noticeable.

Good luck with the problem...I hope you manage to sort it out luv.:yh_flower

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 4:16 pm

Sheryl I rarely know what Im talking about and consider myself successful if I can tie my shoes without falling over, however I will reiterate what previous gardeners before me have stated. In the interest of your children I think it would be fine for you to gently critique their methods of handling your kids. No one likes being critisized so go easy, and they probably arent aware of it. Hopefully they would be appreciative and alter the behavior. Good luck on this. I just watched a movie about a little girl and Im feeling especially thoughtful towards children, so do it for them and I hope it helps. Just my opinion.

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Sat Apr 01, 2006 9:01 pm

abbey wrote: I always think its such a shame that some grandparents tend to favour one child,

maybe its because Zakk is older than Ayden and so they feel closer to the 1st born.

Its sure to cause resentment as Ayden grows older, best to nip it in the bud now, they may not realise that they are doing it.

Maybe you could take Zakk out for the day and leave Ayden with them, it may give them a chance to get closer to her.

I dont have any kids & could be talking utter bollocks, in which case please ignore the above :wah:

Either way good luck x

Abbey's counsel is very wise, Sheryl. Maybe your aunt and uncle are not aware they do this. Maybe they never had a son and are transferring an emotional need. Some people just hit it off more easily with one child than with another - for no obvious reason. One can love them equally, but maybe relate to one more. Still, parents, relatives, guardians have the duty to rise above this, even when in some cases it's not easy. When one child feels less favoured than another it can lead to lasting resentments which in turn can cause long term family problems. It's worth trying correct it early. I'm sending hugs and positive vibes in the general direction of Texas!!

vampress.rozz · Post by **vampress.rozz** » Sun Apr 02, 2006 12:10 am

HI all. I was wondering whether you did anything about this problem?

I have lived through that. My grandad only had girls and therefore when the grandson came along he was a firm favourite. Spoke to more, praised more and of course the more expensive presents.

My mother in law has always been biased against my kids,(my husband and her fell out a long time ago but I, until recently, took the kids round as she is still their grandmother) buying bigger presents for the niece and nephew etc. This type of situation can be frustrating, but as long as you treat your kids equally and give them all the love in the world they should remain relatively unharmed. Although I do think back about my grandad occasionally It really only affected my relationship with him, not the rest of my life. Hope it helps

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Apr 02, 2006 1:21 am

Mmm...Tough situation. I was so blatantly obviously favored by my father over my sister. Maybe it's because I was like the son he never had. Total tomboy, I guess. It affects my sister to this day, and she's 38. Have a heart-to-heart with aunt and uncle. Voice your concerns honestly, but be firm, they are your kids and you want them treated fairly. I also like Abbey's suggestion about leaving Ayden alone with them a bit more. Very good idea. But AFTER you've had the chat with them. Family stuff is rough, but if they care for you and your kids, they should be able to see reason here.

By the way, I love your children's names, very creative and unique!!

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:17 am

Thanks all for your advice. David and I were talking bout it last night. We decided to hold off to see if things get any better. :-6

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 5:59 pm

Sheryl, you will know when the time is right to say something. It doesn't have to be a laundry list of how they favor one over the other just a little reminder that it has become noticeable to your and your husband as well and your daughter. They probably aren't even aware of it so gentle is the key.

Even if it a simple Keep the praise equal for the kids mom and dad, they love you so and your words mean so much to them