ongoing saga of domestic violence

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:11 am

I am following LC on her neighbor post.

Mine is of my most annoying neighbors. About 2 weekends ago I was awakened from my sleep by constant banging and loud voices, when I looked out my window I saw a couple tall lads walking our street and thought they had cut through my yard and it was them with my gate etc. (Odd though my dog never barked). However in the back of my mind I was wondering if this was actually my neighbors next door having a feud. I did nothing and went back to sleep.

This week one of the sons dropped over with a piece of paper and his phone number on it and said they were haveing a few friends over to watch wrestling and if it got too noisy I only had to call over and they would quiet down. He was polite enough to mention it was to go between 5:00pm to 9:00pm. I thought that was kind and considerate of him. I have reported and called them on their noise in the past however for the past 2 months it has been pretty quiet.

Yesterday, I was going to my car and the man of the house (I use this term lightly and we shall call him Drake), was out doing yard work. Drake was cordial and asked how I was and said that they intended to rebuild the fence would I be interested in contributing $$ to my portion and I said I would speak to my landlord etc. So as I was about to leave the lady of the house (will call her Sally) stepped out onto the front step, I was at my car on the street and from there I could see Sally was sporting a glaring black eye. She seemed desperate to chat, I was trying to get out of there as I had to pick up Jr Minks. I told Sally I was going to be a granny as she always asks about my girls. Sally came slowly off the step and out to me and hugged me I whispered to her, "ooo I will hug you carefully" and when we pulled apart she was near tears. I felt so darn bad for her. She then asked me to come in and see their new kitten and I did. All this time Drake was watching me like a hawk. I felt sad that I had to leave and Sally had this kind of pleading look in her eyes, but I had no time for her. I have never seen her look this bad, she had a black eye, swollen lip, and blatent obvious bruises on her arms. I knew then it was them that woke me the other night and I guess next time I should call the police. I wish there was some easy way to help Sally out and I know we have been through all this. I wish I could give her numbers to support and help but also know Drake watches her very closely and my intervention could make things worse for Sally. I just am floored he can act so casual to me and be friendly all the while behind closed doors he beats Sally. Very disturbing and sad. I know Sally lies to work, and her kids about her bruises and sad they have gone from her legs and arms to her face, it makes me ill, that any man thinks he is a man when he beats women.

Just my rant.

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:39 am

minks wrote: I am following LC on her neighbor post.

Mine is of my most annoying neighbors. About 2 weekends ago I was awakened from my sleep by constant banging and loud voices, when I looked out my window I saw a couple tall lads walking our street and thought they had cut through my yard and it was them with my gate etc. (Odd though my dog never barked). However in the back of my mind I was wondering if this was actually my neighbors next door having a feud. I did nothing and went back to sleep.

This week one of the sons dropped over with a piece of paper and his phone number on it and said they were haveing a few friends over to watch wrestling and if it got too noisy I only had to call over and they would quiet down. He was polite enough to mention it was to go between 5:00pm to 9:00pm. I thought that was kind and considerate of him. I have reported and called them on their noise in the past however for the past 2 months it has been pretty quiet.

Yesterday, I was going to my car and the man of the house (I use this term lightly and we shall call him Drake), was out doing yard work. Drake was cordial and asked how I was and said that they intended to rebuild the fence would I be interested in contributing $$ to my portion and I said I would speak to my landlord etc. So as I was about to leave the lady of the house (will call her Sally) stepped out onto the front step, I was at my car on the street and from there I could see Sally was sporting a glaring black eye. She seemed desperate to chat, I was trying to get out of there as I had to pick up Jr Minks. I told Sally I was going to be a granny as she always asks about my girls. Sally came slowly off the step and out to me and hugged me I whispered to her, "ooo I will hug you carefully" and when we pulled apart she was near tears. I felt so darn bad for her. She then asked me to come in and see their new kitten and I did. All this time Drake was watching me like a hawk. I felt sad that I had to leave and Sally had this kind of pleading look in her eyes, but I had no time for her. I have never seen her look this bad, she had a black eye, swollen lip, and blatent obvious bruises on her arms. I knew then it was them that woke me the other night and I guess next time I should call the police. I wish there was some easy way to help Sally out and I know we have been through all this. I wish I could give her numbers to support and help but also know Drake watches her very closely and my intervention could make things worse for Sally. I just am floored he can act so casual to me and be friendly all the while behind closed doors he beats Sally. Very disturbing and sad. I know Sally lies to work, and her kids about her bruises and sad they have gone from her legs and arms to her face, it makes me ill, that any man thinks he is a man when he beats women.

Just my rant.
Yes, most of us have been there. You know my story.

Unfortunately only Sally can fix that problem herself. She is trapped in a mental hell that only she can break herself out from. She herself knows the support that is out there for her. All she has to do is reach out for it. She will one day. Hopefully soon. :yh_flower

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:42 pm

"Yes, most of us have been there. You know my story.

Unfortunately only Sally can fix that problem herself. She is trapped in a mental hell that only she can break herself out from. She herself knows the support that is out there for her. All she has to do is reach out for it. She will one day. Hopefully soon" :yh_flower

Most of us have been there ? I would respectfully disagree. I know no man that would beat a woman. Im not implying it doesnt happen but in the scheme of things I think its probably well in the minority numbers. Im sorry it happens and I think most men myself included would interfere in a similar situation. But I dont think its a common occurence. Im sorry it happened to you Raven and minksy Im sorry your neighbor has to live that way. Maybe Im naive but again I personally dont know any man that would beat a woman or another man for that matter.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 2:58 pm

SnoozeControl wrote: This is probably totally inconsequential to most, but I hope he doesn't hurt that kitten.

you know I thought the very same thing.

and yep Sally is the only one who can help herself outta this, both myself and our other neighbor have offered her help in the past but she is now too fearful

so sad

SweetDarlin · Post by **SweetDarlin** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:05 pm

make the call for yourself darlin. But when they arrest him, and Sally takes him back... don't be too dismayed. No one can help her if she won't help herself. Just being there to hug can help until she's strong enough.

Or just let me sneak out for a few minutes during my visit

and I'll take care of this problem. :sneaky:

vampress.rozz · Post by **vampress.rozz** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:06 pm

She is the only one that can help herself. She obviously knows your there for her judging by her reaction to you. It's nice she's got a friend

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:07 pm

Minks, can you print this out and give it to her? it's geared to Canada...........FAMILY VIOLENCE FACT SHEET : Family Violence : Department of ............................

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:27 pm

Diuretic wrote: I agree, I hope he doesn't hurt the kitten either. It happens. The victim loves her pet and he harms it simply as part of the process of oppression. Anyway I'm a hopeless animal lover too.

I hate to sound dramatic but this type of situation can end up with the victim dead.

minks can you speak to your local police, without mentioning the details of the victim I mean, and get some general advice? Delicate and difficult I know but this is obviously troubling you. Are there any dv support groups you can contact to get some advice? You have to be very circumspect in this sort of situation, but it may be that some help can be organised for her. Without knowing all the details it's difficult to comment in too many specifics but she hasn't got too many options. She needs to get out of there, it's just a question of how to get it done.

I think it would be best to ask someone or an organisation for advice without as I say going into details.

Nomad, it happens more than you could know. I know it's a terrible thing to have to acknowledge but it is not rare at all.

Im not denying it happens but I have a hard time believing its that prevalent. I dont know, I just dont know people like that. Im glad I dont. Im not a violent person but in this situation I think violence deserves violence. Im pretty sure a cowardly abuser would slink off to a hole somewhere in shame should they get the same treatment.

vampress.rozz · Post by **vampress.rozz** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:32 pm

I know someone that abuses his missus...slightly different situation though. She always pushes his buttons...I've seen her do it. Then a few days later she appears with bruises and then plays the martyr, and yet she hasn't left

vampress.rozz · Post by **vampress.rozz** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:04 pm

yeah I guess your right.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:22 pm

problem is then everyone goes to jail. domestic violence calls are the most dangerous for cops. they hate each other until you get there, then they hate you. it is the most volatile situation there is.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:28 pm

lady cop wrote: problem is then everyone goes to jail. domestic violence calls are the most dangerous for cops. they hate each other until you get there, then they hate you. it is the most volatile situation there is.

ack that is the problem cops have been called there before and she is always so darn forgiving. It is a shame he has her so darn scared.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:31 pm

minks wrote: ack that is the problem cops have been called there before and she is always so darn forgiving. It is a shame he has her so darn scared.

Not sure if its a stae by state case but many states here, if someone has marks the other goes to jail. Period. She doesnt have to be the one to press charges. Could go either way, if hes got a bloody lip she goes. Good idea if the victim is fearful it doesnt directly put the blame on them for future vengeance.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:43 pm

Nomad wrote: Not sure if its a stae by state case but many states here, if someone has marks the other goes to jail. Period. She doesnt have to be the one to press charges. Could go either way, if hes got a bloody lip she goes. Good idea if the victim is fearful it doesnt directly put the blame on them for future vengeance.

here it is up to her to press charges and like I said she is very afraid of him and gets more and more so. It has got worse in the 2 years I have been here, never used to have marks on here that clothing could not hide now this is the second time he has hit her face.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:46 pm

Nomad wrote: "Yes, most of us have been there. You know my story.

Unfortunately only Sally can fix that problem herself. She is trapped in a mental hell that only she can break herself out from. She herself knows the support that is out there for her. All she has to do is reach out for it. She will one day. Hopefully soon" :yh_flower

Most of us have been there ? I would respectfully disagree. I know no man that would beat a woman. Im not implying it doesnt happen but in the scheme of things I think its probably well in the minority numbers. Im sorry it happens and I think most men myself included would interfere in a similar situation. But I dont think its a common occurence. Im sorry it happened to you Raven and minksy Im sorry your neighbor has to live that way. Maybe Im naive but again I personally dont know any man that would beat a woman or another man for that matter.
You'd be suprised what goes on behind closed doors. Your best friend could beat his woman and you'd have no clue. I don't think any woman beaters go around bragging that they do it.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:50 pm

minks wrote: here it is up to her to press charges and like I said she is very afraid of him and gets more and more so. It has got worse in the 2 years I have been here, never used to have marks on here that clothing could not hide now this is the second time he has hit her face.it ALWAYS escalates.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:50 pm

Minks, my first concern is for yourself. This may seem strange advice, but don't get too involved with either of these people otherwise you, too, could get hurt. This is a bad situation and I wouldn't want to see you drawn in. Be neighbourly, by all means, but no more. Getting involved in this sort of situation can end up with you being blamed for all their problems. Worse, I know that you are a passionate woman. Believe me, you just don't want to get involved.

On the other hand, target the man. Whenever you see her covered in fresh bruises, etc., take every opportunity you can to talk to him about her misfortune. Don't let on what you know inside. And if you can make her believe that you two might be getting on too well, that would probably be the one thing that would break the camel's back. I bet she wouldn't put up with that. Although many women put up with abuse from their inadequate husbands, they won't usually put up with cheating husbands. Psychology, ya know. These ladies are stronger than you think.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:52 pm

Peg wrote: You'd be suprised what goes on behind closed doors. Your best friend could beat his woman and you'd have no clue. I don't think any woman beaters go around bragging that they do it.

so true

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:52 pm

minks wrote: here it is up to her to press charges and like I said she is very afraid of him and gets more and more so. It has got worse in the 2 years I have been here, never used to have marks on here that clothing could not hide now this is the second time he has hit her face.

I wonder if after the 1st time he thinks theres nothing left to lose, hes gone this far. The beatings will probably just get worse until hes stopped. I dont think that kind of self loathing (why else would a man beat his wife unless he loathed himself ?) just subsides, I would think it only escalates.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:56 pm

OpenMind wrote: Minks, my first concern is for yourself. This may seem strange advice, but don't get too involved with either of these people otherwise you, too, could get hurt. This is a bad situation and I wouldn't want to see you drawn in. Be neighbourly, by all means, but no more. Getting involved in this sort of situation can end up with you being blamed for all their problems. Worse, I know that you are a passionate woman. Believe me, you just don't want to get involved.

On the other hand, target the man. Whenever you see her covered in fresh bruises, etc., take every opportunity you can to talk to him about her misfortune. Don't let on what you know inside. And if you can make her believe that you two might be getting on too well, that would probably be the one thing that would break the camel's back. I bet she wouldn't put up with that. Although many women put up with abuse from their inadequate husbands, they won't usually put up with cheating husbands. Psychology, ya know. These ladies are stronger than you think.

I really try to avoid the man, as I have my youngest daughter to worry about to and she knows all about him. This man is not someone I would talk to one on one, he has raised his fist to my other neighbor who is a single, old crippled man who sits out on his front porch some times with a "Sally" or "Sally" and I. So you see "Drake" suffers from what we here commonly call "little man syndrome" he is only a man if he can pick on and bully those weaker than he. I have been hunting high and low for anything in this city that I can do anonymously to report these incidents, but because the crime is not against me I seem to be coming up against brick wall after brick wall.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:57 pm

Nomad wrote: I wonder if after the 1st time he thinks theres nothing left to lose, hes gone this far. The beatings will probably just get worse until hes stopped. I dont think that kind of self loathing (why else would a man beat his wife unless he loathed himself ?) just subsides, I would think it only escalates.

He blames her for everthing that goes wrong.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:00 pm

Oddly this man shows some kind of weird minute concern every now and then for what I think as Sunday nite I came home and he stuck his head out the window to ask if the boys were too loud earlier in the day when they were over at his house. (as you may have read I have reported their noise before) I dunno if he fears I may call the police or what?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:03 pm

that ostensible concern Minks, is him feeling you out, and also the main thing...he's a controller. he thinks his 'concern' will control you, keep you from reporting whatever goes on.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:03 pm

I guess if I were in your shoes I would let her know she has a refuge in you and your there if she needs you. She might not see a way out.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:06 pm

As I said, my advice is strange. I doubt that he would have the guts to touch you as he doesn't know you well enough.

Just the same, you would need some serious physical backup if you were to execute the second part of my advice. Best to not get involved.

But... should you hear suspicious sounds again, try playing Knock up ginger', and a camcorder or camera would be handy (you could send the pictures to a local rag or influential organisation).

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:10 pm

lady cop wrote: that ostensible concern Minks, is him feeling you out, and also the main thing...he's a controller. he thinks his 'concern' will control you, keep you from reporting whatever goes on.

interesting, good thing I see him as fake as a $3.00 bill. Yes I can see it, thinks he can be my protector of some weird and warped sort with hopes I keep friendly and keep him safe. Yeah I kinda wondered if that was his thought process, or at least he is trying to not give me any excuse to call the police on him. Argh he is a sicko.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:11 pm

But... should you hear suspicious sounds again, try playing Knock up ginger', and a camcorder or camera would be handy (you could send the pictures to a local rag or influential organisation).__________________i would respectfully disagree OM. it is not up to Minks to do cinema verite, this victim needs to get to ER and have all injuries documented and photographed by a physician.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:12 pm

lady cop wrote: But... should you hear suspicious sounds again, try playing Knock up ginger', and a camcorder or camera would be handy (you could send the pictures to a local rag or influential organisation).__________________i would respectfully disagree OM. it is not up to Minks to do cinema verite, this victim needs to get to ER and have all injuries documented and photographed by a physician.

zactly LC, she needs to report the abuse time and time again we just can't stress that enough to her. It really breaks my heart to see this pretty woman all bashed up. She seriously looks at me with very pleading eyes and my god I have no clue what I can do.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:16 pm

*sigh*..i guess i am jaded. someday she has to act like a grownup and get her arse in gear. i know ALL the 'reasons' for staying with these brutes. but none of them can hold water ultimately. it often ends in death. Minks, i could not save the world and neither can you.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:19 pm

lady cop wrote: *sigh*..i guess i am jaded. someday she has to act like a grownup and get her arse in gear. i know ALL the 'reasons' for staying with these brutes. but none of them can hold water ultimately. it often ends in death. Minks, i could not save the world and neither can you.

yah you know it is a hard nosed attitude LC, and I have to agree with ya, and the kicker is, I wish I could help, but on the other hand I don't wanna be involved, neither Jr minks, my pets or I need to get on this mans bad side.

Lil~Basco · Post by **Lil~Basco** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:19 pm

I had a FIL that treated his last wife exactly like Minx's neighbor treats his wife. (Was FIL 7th wife) Oh...he could be the sweetest man ever to other folks, even to his own wife in public...until they got inside their home. Then, jealousy raged out of him, for her saying this or that, or just for speaking to someone that he didn't like, then he'd smack her around good when they got home.

One day I happened to walk in his house and caught him with his hands around her neck, sliding her up the diningroom wall while bouncing her head off that wall. He didn't realize I was there at the time until I grabbed him and proceeded to pound the crap out of him!!! I was outraged knowing that the grandfather of my child had this very abusive streak in him. I threatened him good...if he EVER laid another hand on a woman, I'd personally escort his ass to the nearest jail, AND he lost his right to ever be alone with my child. THAT hurt him the most. I also told his wife that if she didn't stand up for herself and speak out this behavior would continue. Every single time I saw my FIL after that I always inquired if he was behaving which annoyed the hell out of him...but he knew I would keep my word by having him locked up.

Yes, some women keep going back to men like this. I get tired of hearing from them, "but I love him." What...love being beat so bad that you can barely move? I wish I had your neighbor minks...I'd be calling him on every bruise I'd see on his wife, so he knew someone else knows what he does to her!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:21 pm

Lil~Basco wrote: I had a FIL that treated his last wife exactly like Minx's neighbor treats his wife. (Was FIL 7th wife) Oh...he could be the sweetest man ever to other folks, even to his own wife in public...until they got inside their home. Then, jealousy raged out of him, for her saying this or that, or just for speaking to someone that he didn't like, then he'd smack her around good when they got home.

One day I happened to walk in his house and caught him with his hands around her neck, sliding her up the diningroom wall while bouncing her head off that wall. He didn't realize I was there at the time until I grabbed him and proceeded to pound the crap out of him!!! I was outraged knowing that the grandfather of my child had this very abusive streak in him. I threatened him good...if he EVER laid another hand on a woman, I'd personally escort his ass to the nearest jail, AND he lost his right to ever be alone with my child. THAT hurt him the most. I also told his wife that if she didn't stand up for herself and speak out this behavior would continue. Every single time I saw my FIL after that I always inquired if he was behaving which annoyed the hell out of him...but he knew I would keep my word by having him locked up.

Yes, some women keep going back to men like this. I get tired of hearing from them, "but I love him." What...love being beat so bad that you can barely move? I wish I had your neighbor minks...I'd be calling him on every bruise I'd see on his wife, so he knew someone else knows what he does to her!

you are braver than I.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:22 pm

lady cop wrote: But... should you hear suspicious sounds again, try playing Knock up ginger', and a camcorder or camera would be handy (you could send the pictures to a local rag or influential organisation).__________________i would respectfully disagree OM. it is not up to Minks to do cinema verite, this victim needs to get to ER and have all injuries documented and photographed by a physician.

It didn't read quite as I meant. I didn't mean for Minks to wait at the door to film them. Knock up Ginger means getting out of sight. It would stop the beatings.

I don't see much chance of this victim getting herself down to ER, though.

As far as this guy's congeniality towards Minks, I think Minks should give him the cold shoulder.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:25 pm

OpenMind wrote: It didn't read quite as I meant. I didn't mean for Minks to wait at the door to film them. Knock up Ginger means getting out of sight. It would stop the beatings.

I don't see much chance of this victim getting herself down to ER, though.

As far as this guy's congeniality towards Minks, I think Minks should give him the cold shoulder.
I wish some days a man did live here and he could take him out back and beat the hell outta this guy.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:30 pm

minks wrote: zactly LC, she needs to report the abuse time and time again we just can't stress that enough to her. It really breaks my heart to see this pretty woman all bashed up. She seriously looks at me with very pleading eyes and my god I have no clue what I can do.

How about if the next time you come across her like this that you immediately whisk her off to ER yourself. Any resistance to the idea could be met with the obvious and real argument that her injuries need to be checked as she may have suffered something serious. (Some sarcasm could help regarding a 'typically' less than caring husband if he tries to object.) If she objects and refuses to go with you, let her know that you will take her next time it happens, but otherwise wash your hands off the affair. As the old saying goes, 'you can't help anyone who's not prepared to help themselves'.

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:33 pm

in the past year we have had several discussions of domestic violence. it always arouses much passion and interest. it seems to touch many people in many ways. i would like to offer a couple things at the risk of being redundant.....these guys are bullies. they rule the woman and kids with all their power, since they have no power in the actual world. the biggest bullies are the guys who weep and grovel and beg when we show up. BUT, i am tired of females who now have choices and don't utilize services. before oj i did pro bono work for abused women in court. they were so scared they needed someone to go to court with them and i did. this is a big issue with me. i am saying, and anyone can get annoyed, but grow some damn spine women!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:38 pm

lady cop wrote: in the past year we have had several discussions of domestic violence. it always arouses much passion and interest. it seems to touch many people in many ways. i would like to offer a couple things at the risk of being redundant.....these guys are bullies. they rule the woman and kids with all their power, since they have no power in the actual world. the biggest bullies are the guys who weep and grovel and beg when we show up. BUT, i am tired of females who now have choices and don't utilize services. before oj i did pro bono work for abused women in court. they were so scared they needed someone to go to court with them and i did. this is a big issue with me. i am saying, and anyone can get annoyed, but grow some damn spine women!!! nobody will save you until you do.
OM you have a good point and our other neighbor has tried this but "sally" refuses, she is to afraid of what will happen when she returns. And yep LC I agree "sally" needs a spine and "drake" has robber her of every ounce of courage possible. It just seems futile, and sucks to stand back and watch her injuries get worse and worse. I found a phone number for victim assistance here and I am going to slip that to her the next time we meet with hopes she gives them a call. Seems lately with her newest batch of bruises he never leaves her side now. Hmmmm seems like he isn't going to let anyone near her to find out the truth. Argh what a low life.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:42 pm

lady cop wrote: in the past year we have had several discussions of domestic violence. it always arouses much passion and interest. it seems to touch many people in many ways. i would like to offer a couple things at the risk of being redundant.....these guys are bullies. they rule the woman and kids with all their power, since they have no power in the actual world. the biggest bullies are the guys who weep and grovel and beg when we show up. BUT, i am tired of females who now have choices and don't utilize services. before oj i did pro bono work for abused women in court. they were so scared they needed someone to go to court with them and i did. this is a big issue with me. i am saying, and anyone can get annoyed, but grow some damn spine women!!! nobody will save you until you do. .......wah wah wah, self-esteem, wah wah wah dependency , blah blah wah wah.

I'm sorry to say that this is the result of centuries of religions that place women as the servants of men, the Christian movement being equally to blame as others insofar as it has provided these weak males with an argument to support their actions. It now seems to be inbred in a lot of women that they have to take whatever a man does to them. Yet, it is for the same reason that they usually rear up if they find that the man has been unfaithful to them, although this is not a hard and fast rule (it is slowly establishing itself, but too slowly)

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:42 pm

It is a very vicious cycle, of domestic abuse, the abused victim afraid to speak up-it is a virtual brainwashing over time. And dangerous to life and limb, besides the spirit. You try your best, Minks. Do not be disheartened if at first she doesn't find a way out of it, it takes some women some time until they break off these relationships.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:46 pm

chonsigirl wrote: It is a very vicious cycle, of domestic abuse, the abused victim afraid to speak up-it is a virtual brainwashing over time. And dangerous to life and limb, besides the spirit. You try your best, Minks. Do not be disheartened if at first she doesn't find a way out of it, it takes some women some time until they break off these relationships.

sigh this woman has lost all her friends, as well her children can no longer stay full time with her, they stay with her ex husband and I guess she seems to have lost the fight to stop this all even for the sake of the possibility of loosing the kids. Darn shame.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:49 pm

The only thing you can do is to be neighbourly and friendly to Sally whenever you come across her alone, but disappear just as soon as 'hewhoislesserthanpigpoo' appears.

That way, there's a channel for her to get help. Just don't let her in your place, that will bring the problem to your family. In private, you can tell her straight that you know what is happening. Insist on police/ER immediately, whichever is appropriate. She'll know where she stands with you.

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:55 pm

She is dispirited, remain her friend like open suggested. You may be a great help to her one day, when she is in need.

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:56 pm

here is a little clip from an interview with an RN in one of our hospitals ER

"The only two things we can report in Canada at this time are child abuse and abuse of somebody in institutional care," Carter-Snell says. "So when we get a woman coming in who has been beaten up and we ask, 'Where is your daughter? Where is your son? How old are they and where were they when this happened?' I cannot report her domestic violence but I have to report the children as being victims of emotional abuse. That has been difficult in terms of dealing with the client, as well."

how freakin sad is this eh. Just proof it is a terrible situation for any woman to be in.

OpenMind · Post by **OpenMind** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:58 pm

minks wrote: here is a little clip from an interview with an RN in one of our hospitals ER

"The only two things we can report in Canada at this time are child abuse and abuse of somebody in institutional care," Carter-Snell says. "So when we get a woman coming in who has been beaten up and we ask, 'Where is your daughter? Where is your son? How old are they and where were they when this happened?' I cannot report her domestic violence but I have to report the children as being victims of emotional abuse. That has been difficult in terms of dealing with the client, as well."

how freakin sad is this eh. Just proof it is a terrible situation for any woman to be in.

Are you saying that wife-beating is not a crime in Canada?

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:58 pm

It is better then the old days, when there were no shelters for battered women to go to. It was the streets you lived on, if no one would take you in. The attitutde was, "What did you do to deserve it?"

I speak from experience, over 10 years in an abusive relationship. I didn't receive any help from agencies back then, luckily we have paid attention to this need. But it is hard for the person to come forward and say what has happened, for fear of retribution, emotional anguish, fear of loosing the children, etc.