My first night back to work....

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:12 am

....since Bullet was taken into custody. Damn, but that was tough. Tougher than I thought it would be.

Most everyone knows about what happened, so they understood the funk I was in, but the people who didn't know kept asking me, "Criss, you're not yourself tonight, what's wrong??" Finally I told a couple people flat-out: "My husband is in jail wrongfully convicted of murder." Then the long, awkward silence while I wait for them to try and figure out how to respond to that.

I couldn't have fun, and I ALWAYS have fun at work. I couldn't be mean when I needed to be, and that's never a problem either. All I could think about was, making as much money as I could, with as little interaction with my customers as I could get away with, and getting home.

The couple times i did laugh with some good friends, I snapped it right back, because it feels disloyal to be laughing while Matt sits where he sits. I know that's silly, but I can't help how I felt.

It was just weird all the way around.

Maybe tomorrow night will be better.

cars · Post by **cars** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:19 am

The first night had to be the hardest for you BR, it may get a little easier. Don't feel guilty cause you have to do your job, even if it means you have you to laugh with the customers.

(It goes with the territory/ job description)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:21 am

Cars....what on earth are you doing up at this un-godly hour of the night??!?!?!

And thanks...just like everything else, this will get easier, too.

cars · Post by **cars** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:26 am

BabyRider wrote: Cars....what on earth are you doing up at this un-godly hour of the night??!?!?!

And thanks...just like everything else, this will get easier, too.

I sometimes wake while truning over in bed, & then start thinking about the mysteries of life, & then can't fall back asleep. :rolleyes:

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 1:44 am

cars wrote: I sometimes wake while truning over in bed, & then start thinking about the mysteries of life, & then can't fall back asleep. :rolleyes:
I can sure sympathize with that!!

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 3:44 am

BR, you got through the first night, and that was the hardest. It will not be as hard the next time, but it will get better. Never the same, until your beloved is with you again.

And he will be! Keep the faith, Baby!

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 7:32 am

BR, laughter is good for the soul.

You must take care of yours so you can take care of Matt's:-6

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 8:35 am

Laughter=better tips=getting the money faster!

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Jun 17, 2006 9:51 am

I was wondering about your job. Just let yourself go through what you have to go through. Think of it as grieving, its natural and somehow in time you will find a way to manage. The smiles will come when theyre ready. Just be.

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:52 am

Peg wrote: Laughter=better tips=getting the money faster!
You're right. I know you're right.

Tonight, for some reason was even tougher. You know....I've always been able to leave personal and family problems at the door and come in and do my job, and do it well. Tonight, a man I'd never laid eyes on before and had been there for about 45 minutes asked me, "You've got a lot on your mind rightnow, don't you?" I stared at him for a second and then said, "It's that obvious, huh?" I explained how I try to leave my personal life out of work, but what I was dealing with right then was just more than i could "forget" while I was working. I hate being apparent to my customers, especially the ones who don't know what's going on. This just means I have to try even harder to put on that brave front, and not let them see the weakness I feel.

Some people who know ask me...how am I coping, how do I do what I'm doing. I always answer the same: I have to. What choice do I have? I can choose to break down and curl up in bed and cry for the next 11 days till sentencing, or I can do what I have to do and be tough for my husband. I chose the latter.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 1:58 am

Some days it seems everything goes wrong,.

All the dreams you had disappear.

We feel that life is not worthwhile,

Always a tear is near.

You've forgotten how to laugh and smile.

See dark clouds everywhere.

Don't forget that over the rainbow,

Are treasures beyond compare! X

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 6:25 am

:yh_love to you and your beloved . . .

Criss, you're super strong and you'll make it through this difficult time.

I have no doubt about that.

And if/when you're gonna crack, come see us at the Garden.

We'll pull you up by the bootstraps and get you going again:)

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:13 am

cherandbuster wrote: :yh_love to you and your beloved . . .

Criss, you're super strong and you'll make it through this difficult time.

I have no doubt about that.

And if/when you're gonna crack, come see us at the Garden.

We'll pull you up by the bootstraps and get you going again:)
Cher, you haven't been here that long, (even with your 600+ posts!) but you are in every thread I write, offering your support and encouragement, just like the people I have come to know and love here. I just wanted you to know how much that's appreciated. Kindness from my friends is expected now...the kindness I see from you, who does not know me that well is very special to me. Thank you. :-4 :-6

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:21 am

BabyRider wrote: You're right. I know you're right.

Tonight, for some reason was even tougher. You know....I've always been able to leave personal and family problems at the door and come in and do my job, and do it well. Tonight, a man I'd never laid eyes on before and had been there for about 45 minutes asked me, "You've got a lot on your mind rightnow, don't you?" I stared at him for a second and then said, "It's that obvious, huh?" I explained how I try to leave my personal life out of work, but what I was dealing with right then was just more than i could "forget" while I was working. I hate being apparent to my customers, especially the ones who don't know what's going on. This just means I have to try even harder to put on that brave front, and not let them see the weakness I feel.

You never know, maybe your guardian angel watching out for you......gave you time to let it out.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 9:27 am

Work will get easier. I promise you that. Until then, realize you are human and don't let it drive you crazy that it shows (easier said than done I know). Why not do something for you? Take a long ride, buy yourself something little you've been wanting, anything to lift your spirits even if it's only a little and for a few minutes. You're tough and you will get through this. You and I and the other gardeners know this. We're here to pick you up should you fall down. Take it one minute at a time if necessary.

cars · Post by **cars** » Sun Jun 18, 2006 10:18 am

Peg wrote: Work will get easier. I promise you that. Until then, realize you are human and don't let it drive you crazy that it shows (easier said than done I know). Why not do something for you? Take a long ride, buy yourself something little you've been wanting, anything to lift your spirits even if it's only a little and for a few minutes. You're tough and you will get through this. You and I and the other gardeners know this. We're here to pick you up should you fall down. Take it one minute at a time if necessary.

Yeah what peg said!

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Tue Jun 20, 2006 3:16 pm

BabyRider wrote:

The couple times i did laugh with some good friends, I snapped it right back, because it feels disloyal to be laughing while Matt sits where he sits. I know that's silly, but I can't help how I felt.

BR

You *cannot* live your life like that - not even for the next week until the appeal. That way lies madness and heartache.

You've done everything you can to keep him out of jail. You'll continue to do everything you can to get him back.

In the mean time you have a life and you *must* live that life.

Do not let yourself be trapped by the "I'm not allowed to be happy" trip or it will distroy you.

Then where would Bullet be?