I'm at a loss, as to what to do to correct this miserible situation.
Cars
In-Law Problems
In-Law Problems
Big Problem: My Parents & Sister constantly cause trouble between myself & my wife. My Parents & Sister look to pick on things, when there really is nothing to pick on. This drives my wife crazy, and rightly so! Me, I have to live with it, they are my relatives, but my wife does'nt. So my wife stays out of the picture as much as possible. And still "they" make up things to pick on, thus infuriating my wife even more. Again, me I hate it to, but I'm used to it and have to put up with it if I ever want to see them. Right now my Sister & I are not on talking terms again, (as she is the instigator & controls our parents) for the 500th time. I keep making the first move with her to try to make peace for my Mom's sake, as she keep asking me to since I'm the "Older" brother.
I'm at a loss, as to what to do to correct this miserible situation.
Cars
I'm at a loss, as to what to do to correct this miserible situation.
Cars
Cars 
In-Law Problems
cars wrote: Big Problem: My Parents & Sister constantly cause trouble between myself & my wife. My Parents & Sister look to pick on things, when there really is nothing to pick on. This drives my wife crazy, and rightly so! Me, I have to live with it, they are my relatives, but my wife does'nt. So my wife stays out of the picture as much as possible. And still "they" make up things to pick on, thus infuriating my wife even more. Again, me I hate it to, but I'm used to it and have to put up with it if I ever want to see them. Right now my Sister & I are not on talking terms again, (as she is the instigator & controls our parents) for the 500th time. I keep making the first move with her to try to make peace for my Mom's sake, as she keep asking me to since I'm the "Older" brother.
I'm at a loss, as to what to do to correct this miserible situation.
Cars
Why do you have to put up with it? You will presumeably be living with your wife for the rest of your life. Isn't it more important that you make her happy rather than appease your mother and sister? Also, what's so special about seeing them? Don't allow family to interfere with your marriage, or is your family more iimportant than your marrriage?
I'm at a loss, as to what to do to correct this miserible situation.
Cars
Why do you have to put up with it? You will presumeably be living with your wife for the rest of your life. Isn't it more important that you make her happy rather than appease your mother and sister? Also, what's so special about seeing them? Don't allow family to interfere with your marriage, or is your family more iimportant than your marrriage?
In-Law Problems
It's tough to try and keep the peace when those involved are all people you love, isn't it? If it were me, I would sit down my sister, (since she seems to be the one with the biggest problem) and be very frank, and very firm. Just tell her she is disrupting things, you can't and won't stand for it, and if she still has a problem, ask her: "What's important to you? Seeing me or continuing to cause problems? 'Cuz ya can't have both!" Don't let her push you around, Cars. And show your wife it's HER that is your number one priority.
[FONT=Arial Black]I hope you cherish this sweet way of life, and I hope you know that it comes with a price.
~Darrel Worley~
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Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
~Darrel Worley~
[/FONT]
Bullet's trial was a farce. Can I get an AMEN?????
We won't be punished for our sins, but BY them.
In-Law Problems
BabyRider wrote: It's tough to try and keep the peace when those involved are all people you love, isn't it? If it were me, I would sit down my sister, (since she seems to be the one with the biggest problem) and be very frank, and very firm. Just tell her she is disrupting things, you can't and won't stand for it, and if she still has a problem, ask her: "What's important to you? Seeing me or continuing to cause problems? 'Cuz ya can't have both!" Don't let her push you around, Cars. And show your wife it's HER that is your number one priority.
You can pick your friends but not your family. You can pick to walk away from your family until they come to grips with their problems. You and your loved one are all that counts in this world. This sibling rivalry should cease. If your mother can't get it together to see what is going on then she should be made to understand that "Your" number one priority is your wife.
A few years away from my mother put a stop to the messing with my life attitude. She decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to wait for the next life to see and talk to me. You are not children. The North American culture is one of the first that turned out generations of people that left the local fiefdoms to go out into the world and be themselves giving us what we see before us today. You can just choose not to pick up the phone. A good f88k you without having to use the word. Actions speak louder than words.
You can pick your friends but not your family. You can pick to walk away from your family until they come to grips with their problems. You and your loved one are all that counts in this world. This sibling rivalry should cease. If your mother can't get it together to see what is going on then she should be made to understand that "Your" number one priority is your wife.
A few years away from my mother put a stop to the messing with my life attitude. She decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to wait for the next life to see and talk to me. You are not children. The North American culture is one of the first that turned out generations of people that left the local fiefdoms to go out into the world and be themselves giving us what we see before us today. You can just choose not to pick up the phone. A good f88k you without having to use the word. Actions speak louder than words.
In-Law Problems
My dad's parents never approved of my mother. My dad chose to move away from them and they maintained minimal contact. When she was older and needed constant care, my grandmother had to move in with my parents. She was horrendous to my mother. My dad, despite my grandmother's condition, told her that if she forced him to choose between his wife and his mother that he would choose his wife. My dad is a great guy.
In-Law Problems
I'm sorry. That must be a tough situation for you. Myself, if my husband did not stand his ground with his family and let them continually pick at me, I'd be packing his bags and sending him back to them!
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A Karenina
- Posts: 968
- Joined: Thu Oct 14, 2004 8:36 am
In-Law Problems
cars, what a drag for you and your wife both. 
You've gotten some excellent advice here, though we all know it's not easy to follow. When your mom asks you to try and make up, lovingly remind her that it takes two to fight, and two to make up. It isn't all on your shoulders. Your sister needs to act like an adult as well.
You've gotten some excellent advice here, though we all know it's not easy to follow. When your mom asks you to try and make up, lovingly remind her that it takes two to fight, and two to make up. It isn't all on your shoulders. Your sister needs to act like an adult as well.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle
Aristotle
In-Law Problems
Cars, a tiny bit of levity here...my Dad had his mother living upstairs in her own apartment in his home. my Mom loved her, she was a wonderful woman but a very strong-minded lady as well. she spoke 7 languages and translated for us in WWll. she raised 4 very successful boys all on her own in hard times.sooooo, my Dad, to keep the peace, would go have lunch or dinner with his mom. then go have lunch or dinner with my mom! then come over my house! he was so torn! the woman you love comes first.
In-Law Problems
Probably would'nt work for everyone but here's how I solved it.
My mother did not like my wife, may have been because I didn't consult her, or because I would'nt even date the one she had "selected"
It should have been over, we had dated for 2 years, been engaged for 6 mo. My mother was a "passive/agressive" "sniper" We had tried to confront it, but mom denied her dislike, then she would start another rumor, or make a hurtful remark ect. When I asked my wife to marry me, I promised to fix the problem but it had to be my way, and on my schedule. I knew that a "knock out" was required for my mother, I also knew my wife would never approve my plan.
We suffered the BS for 14 months after the wedding. Our first child was born at 3:00am on a Saturday morning. I called my inlaws at 6:00am, then called my folks. As expected, my mother answered. I gave her the vital stats, then described how beautiful her first grandaughter looked, then told her I would ring over some pictures in about a week so she could see for herself. She declared that she would look for herself during visiting hours that morning. I quietly told her that dad was welcome, but I would not allow an enemy of my wife to visit her daughter. The silence was deafning, she told me I could'nt do this, that there was no problem, that I was an ungrateful son. I simply reiterated that the decision was made and I was adamant. She put me on hold, then dad picked up the phone " did you tell your mother she could'nt see the baby", "yep", "she's crying", "sorry", "do you really mean it", "yep" "silence, ...been wondering when you were going to yake care of it" "sorry pops, but I could'nt think of a better way" "I need a drink, then I need to clean up and come see my new grand daughter" "I meant what I said dad" "I know, I'll be coming alone".
Dad showed up, my wife asked where my mother was, and dad said that she had a headache", he played with his new grandaughter, we talked for a while, he went home, and my wife said that she thought we had something to talk about. Later, I played with my daughter, the only female in the family that wanted anything to do with me.
By the end of the week, peace was made between the ladies, dad and I shared a drink, then we both went home to our dissaproving women, we were the "bad guys".
Point is, it's worked for 43 years, with only two very brief refresher courses.
For me it was a no brainer, it had to be brutal and absolute, My wife and kids take priority, best of all, the women in my family love and respect me. :-6
My mother did not like my wife, may have been because I didn't consult her, or because I would'nt even date the one she had "selected"
It should have been over, we had dated for 2 years, been engaged for 6 mo. My mother was a "passive/agressive" "sniper" We had tried to confront it, but mom denied her dislike, then she would start another rumor, or make a hurtful remark ect. When I asked my wife to marry me, I promised to fix the problem but it had to be my way, and on my schedule. I knew that a "knock out" was required for my mother, I also knew my wife would never approve my plan.
We suffered the BS for 14 months after the wedding. Our first child was born at 3:00am on a Saturday morning. I called my inlaws at 6:00am, then called my folks. As expected, my mother answered. I gave her the vital stats, then described how beautiful her first grandaughter looked, then told her I would ring over some pictures in about a week so she could see for herself. She declared that she would look for herself during visiting hours that morning. I quietly told her that dad was welcome, but I would not allow an enemy of my wife to visit her daughter. The silence was deafning, she told me I could'nt do this, that there was no problem, that I was an ungrateful son. I simply reiterated that the decision was made and I was adamant. She put me on hold, then dad picked up the phone " did you tell your mother she could'nt see the baby", "yep", "she's crying", "sorry", "do you really mean it", "yep" "silence, ...been wondering when you were going to yake care of it" "sorry pops, but I could'nt think of a better way" "I need a drink, then I need to clean up and come see my new grand daughter" "I meant what I said dad" "I know, I'll be coming alone".
Dad showed up, my wife asked where my mother was, and dad said that she had a headache", he played with his new grandaughter, we talked for a while, he went home, and my wife said that she thought we had something to talk about. Later, I played with my daughter, the only female in the family that wanted anything to do with me.
By the end of the week, peace was made between the ladies, dad and I shared a drink, then we both went home to our dissaproving women, we were the "bad guys".
Point is, it's worked for 43 years, with only two very brief refresher courses.
For me it was a no brainer, it had to be brutal and absolute, My wife and kids take priority, best of all, the women in my family love and respect me. :-6
Old age and treachery, is an acceptable response to overwelming youth and skill 
In-Law Problems
Der Wulfe you had me in stitches. You are awesome! So true. So real. Gotta love it.
Great advice.
Great advice.
In-Law Problems
Thank you friends for all your intituitive ideas/suggestions. I agree with what you all have said, my "wife" is number one & I do make her number one in all matters. She comes first, I make sure of that! It is just reasurring to hear it from others that I am taking the right stand in doing that. My sister is a very jealous person, and she is jealous that my wife & I are in fact happy & content, instead of being happy for us. "She" is "divorced" for over 27 years now, & in all that time never dating anyone for more than a few weeks, not really supprising. For about last 5 years "No" dating at all!!
(I try to stay in contact, & ocasionally visit with my parents out of respect, for that they are my parents. They are old, and sickly)
Anyway, again thanks for all your good & confirming advice, it is much appreciated.
Cars :driving:
(I try to stay in contact, & ocasionally visit with my parents out of respect, for that they are my parents. They are old, and sickly)
Anyway, again thanks for all your good & confirming advice, it is much appreciated.
Cars :driving:
Cars
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chicagolosina
- Posts: 108
- Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 12:07 pm
In-Law Problems
I'm sorry your going through that, I know from experience that it is hard!
All I can suggest is that whatever you decide you be consistent with it, don't bend, or it will never work. Good luck, and remember YOU are doing the right thing, YOU are not the problem!
All I can suggest is that whatever you decide you be consistent with it, don't bend, or it will never work. Good luck, and remember YOU are doing the right thing, YOU are not the problem!