My Life...........

[mominiowa]

As I walked outside this morning to try and catch a couple minutes of sunshine before venturing back into the "hallways of hell"...I had thought to my self....I have not written for awhile and maybe that would clear my mind...First and foremost--Please say a prayer for a family friend who has lost her son in a terrible fiery crash back home..One boy survived and one perished...His name was Ryan and a great kid..The family, of course needs extra thoughts and prayers now....This is our 8th child since April..Our city has been rocked by these young senseless deaths..Its time there is something done about teenage parties and drinking..its just unfortunate it takes this many 16-17 yr olds to perish for them to realize our small town has a BIG problem....

I wondered last night..crying to myself..wanting to believe that the tears were for my friend...but knowing in my heart they are for myself.. I am in a slump friends...feeling very sorry for myself..Things are just taking to long here..I want to be home..Today is the 4th of July..I sit in my room with my lap top instead of being at my mothers for our family reunion..They called me..not to upset me, but to tell me HAPPY INDEPENECE DAY! When I return the phone to the base, my tears come freely..The nurse walks past..Asking me if I am in pain..I lie and say yes..Maybe one more pain pill will help me sleep through this wicked bad day...I am thinking of my children, at the Lake House with their dad..Swimming and getting excited about the fire works show..I wish I could see them...but maybe Wednesday night he can bring them to see me...I am jealous as hell..and I fight not to hate the man that is trying to make their lives as normal as possible..My babies--13,12,8, & 6..What has been normal for them in the last how many years..and this past 5 months mom being away as much as she has...I feel sorry for myself and I know its wrong...but its hard...

The phone ran as I was typing you..I guess good news for some-again my pain of rage kicks in..My sister will be released from the Rehab center and will be flying from Denver to Omaha on Thursday..I promised her I would be the one picking her up...I promised her that I would be there for her...Now -I am here, behind my shield..unable to leave my walls of desperation..Will she understand? One day she can tell me who I am on the phone the next she asks me to take her potatoes off the stove..they are boiling over...I say--a simple..OK Deb, I will..There are no potatoes on the stove, and the rehab center says she will not gain anymore cognitively...Why do people have to suffer...Would it have been any easier on her mind if she would have gotten her wish..She tells me she can't live with out her arm and leg..she will not wear a diaper at 54..I tell her, that's why I am here for you--I will take care of you...Now-was I lying? here I sit..unable to leave this bastard of a place until MAYBE Sunday....I hate it here..I am finding my solace only in the fact I meet new people.. I have stopped reading and taking care of the lil ones in the day center..WHY? you ask...Because I am becoming hateful, resentful and I can't shake it out..I want to walk out this door...get into my vehicle and leave..but I am too weak, and still to radioactive to be around my own flesh and blood..No babies, No pregnant people, No elderly....Not my own mother...I have not been given the grace of Selflessness..No, now I rage in self pity..I hurt, I throw up, I hate everything...the smiling, the wind, the rain, the green grass and the fact I am still here..Promises go unkept, and lives are changing before my eyes...I dream of the day, I will lay my head down and never wake up...For I will NOT do this again...I will NOT go through this again..If my cancer comes back and I am summoned back to this place of HELL I will not return..The fight I had is gone.. but yet will it return tomorrow?....Lets hope so....Thank you for letting me cry to you...

[abbey]

:yh_sillyCancer Sucks!:yh_silly
..........................................TOO TRUE! :-1 :yh_hugs

[minks]

Never for a second think you have lied to your sis or let her down MOM, things are far beyond your control. Keep yourself strong right now for your sake alone, and with that perhaps then you can be strong for others.

Keep writing your thoughts here, at least it is a release for you and you know you have friends here who are always thrilled to see yet another post by our beloved MOM.

Ribbons of hope and much love for you MOM>

Attached files

[cars]

MOM, life is often not fair, & it seems you got the lions share of "Not Fair"! Tomorrow is another day, & you will feel like fighting again, you just have to. You have a beautiful family there that you must fight for, to make youself get better for them. Scream rant, rage, cus, cry, spit, hit, in here, do whatever it takes to make you feel better, to help you through whatever it is that's getting you down.

[Accountable]

Thanks for letting us help you carry this load. It's too heavy for any 10 people. You are an incredible woman. :yh_flower

[curimind]

Stay strong.

[cherandbuster]

Mom

It's an honor and a pleasure to know you and your immense strength

Lean on us as much as you need to

We are ready with love and support :-4

[OpenMind]

Mom. A big hug for you. You know you can always cry here, you are much loved and thought of. Crying helps.

[BabyRider]

Has Mom been back on lately??? I notice her OP is older than the replies here from today.



Mom, if you get back soon, or whenever you get back here, know that all the good, strong, caring people at FG are pulling for you with all their collective might. They've kept ME sane, and if they can do that, they can help anyone. Dump on us here, and show the rest of the world your tough, ass-kicking side. We're always here when you need us. ALWAYS. I'm sending positive vibes and strength as often as I can. I'm thinking of you and wishing you and your family the best.

We love you.

[OpenMind]

Has Mom been back on lately??? I notice her OP is older than the replies here from today.




I feel a pratt for not noticing that.:-5

[BabyRider]

OpenMind wrote: I feel a pratt for not noticing that.:-5
No, no, OM....don't feel a "pratt", I just wondered had someone heard from her. When she does make it back to FG, she will be happy to see these replies to her. No worries!!!

[mominiowa]

Hey thanks everybody...:-4

I did get to come home on Tuesday from Iowa City..I was standing in the kitchen opening mail..and my new hats!! Thank you Mary!and that damn phone rang...Needless to say... its never good news.. My x MIL phoned to tell me Shelby had a pain in her side and fever that had not gone away since Sunday!~~ When they got her there (to the po-dunk hospital from hell) her white cells were OUT OF SIGHT - and they were certain it was appendix..but now days- they treat them with antibiotics unless they have ruptured..NEVER heard of such a thing..anyway--I said "I am on my way--" Got back in the van drove 4 more hours south and landed at the small hole of nowhere..She looked so week and so in pain..it broke my heart! They ordered a CAT and took a look...Much to there surprise and my heart breaking..they found a mass - 7-9 CM in size on her left ovary intertwined with the fallopian tube and a Cm one on her right...They did emergency surgery as soon as they got her fever down...(I tried to get her moved to Des Moines but they said if it were to rupture the poison that would spread would make her deathly ill) - When the doc came out--he said that he pulled off over 500 cc of fluid from it and that it had already drained some - he said it would compare to a 6 month unborn baby..CAn you imagine? then he says things didn't look quite right--as I fell to the floor sobbing he puts his hand on my shoulder and says..I bi-upside everything I thought looked bad and that she will be seen in Des Moines by an OBGYN next week....What the hell people? When does HE say its enough for my family?? I must have been one rotten son of a biscuit in my past life.. ....She is up walking around and eating today and feeling much better...but she is only 13 - (14 in 2 weeks) but for goodness sakes? He said she had a lot of scar tissue on her tubes and ovaries...She started her period at 11 - and he says sometimes hormones play a HUGE part...Please pray for her- the tests results will be back on Wednesday...and if any of you know anything about this stuff -cysts and crap..(god knows I know way to much about the cancer crap)-fill me in will you? I won't be on here to much, so if I don't respond you know why..I will check again on Sunday or Monday....

By the way--thanks for missing me..and thanks for your good wishes! Love to you all! Dawn

[OpenMind]

Oh, dear God, Mom. That is terrible news.

I wish I could physically hug you and you could put your head on my shoulder and let your grief flow out.

I will pray for Shelby too.:-4

[valerie]

MOM!!!! So very, VERY good to hear from you!! :-4



I'm sorry about Shelby but at least she feels a little better now... and

I want to predict that the biopsies will come back with everything

BENIGN. Okay, hunny?



I'm glad you came here, and we'll all try to keep posting things for you

to see when you get back!!



HANG IN THERE WE ALL LOVE YOU AND ARE ROOTING FOR YOU!!



With this much Garden power I just know we can help!



:-4

[sunny104]

Oh hon! lots and lots of hugs to you!

one of my best friends had surgery to remove cysts from both ovaries when we were in high school. I know they put her on birth control pills to help stop it from happening again and she hasn't had another problem to this day.

my thoughts and prayers are always with you.

lots of love,

sunny

[minks]

Oh ******* MOM I don't know about you being so horrible in the past, nobody no matter what deserves what you are going through. I can't imagine this as payback hunny.

Our words seem so insignificant anymore you are just being battered time and time again. I wish there was more we could do.

Huggs and again more strong vibes for you.

Minks.

[DesignerGal]

Hi mom! I just sent you a PM. I had surgery to remove a cyst from my left tube on 6/27.

[observer1]

God bless you, Mom!!!!! I was very down-in-the-dumps over the 4th, as well. But I feel fortunate to at least have my health! I'm praying for you!!