Marriage Advice for Husband

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:40 am

This is ooc for me to ask for advice on a forum that I've never posted before and don't really know you guys yet, but I've read alot of the post on here and think maybe this is a place to get things off my chest and get advice at the same time.

I've recently found out some news that has devastated me and I can't seem to get off my mind. I've been married to my second wife now for around 8 years. We've had some rocky times and some good times. We've always had somewhat of an open relationship, one that I didn't have to know where she was every minute of the day and I tended to not pry when it came to where she'd been or what she'd been doing.

Now, in the last couple of months she has been saved and has become a Christian. She has started acting like more of a wife than she ever has. However, she started having bouts of depression during this. I was so concerned that I felt she was getting into her new found religion so much so that it was causing her mental problems and she should back off a bit. You can imagine how it hit me like a ton of bricks when she broke down and explained why she was having problems was that she was wrestling with some past issues which included her being a chronic liar and an adultress. It turns out she has had sexual relationships with other men during our marriage going back several years and the last being a year and a half ago. She is filled with guilt now.

Okay, now she has confessed her sins and she's supposed to feel better right? So in doing so she has basically moved the burden from her to me. I now feel that I would have rather not known. It's tearing me up inside and now I'm having severe bouts of depression, along with feelings of anger and disbelief.

So she now wants to move on with our lives and I honestly don't know what to do at this point. If only she would have been the wife she is now all along. But what if she goes back to her old ways. She's told me a little of the things that have gone on when I question her, but when I do I seem to find out more and more that I would rather not know.

Sorry for the long post, there's obviously more to it than what I've written but I don't want to be too long and boring.

Should I try and work it out or should I go ahead and end it now and be done with the whole thing?

Thanks

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:48 am

Welcome to the garden. :-6

Should I try and work it out or should I go ahead and end it now and be done with the whole thing?
That is a question only you can answer. Would you ever trust her again?

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:51 am

I can't answer that right now. Currently I don't, maybe in the future I will. I hope I can. I'm not a very forgiving person.

Also, I have pretty much decided she has BPD. She basically has all the symptons. Should I assume that now since she's a devout Christian and taking anti-depressants that she won't go back to her previous behavior?

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:58 am

Oxsamdeiduisc wrote: I can't answer that right now. Currently I don't, maybe in the future I will. I hope I can. I'm not a very forgiving person.

This isn't something that will go away on it's own.

Have you considered professional help?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:01 am

Oxsamdeiduisc wrote:

Should I try and work it out or should I go ahead and end it now and be done with the whole thing?

BTDTGTTS.

You have to work out whether you yourself can forgive past affaires, and

whether you trust her in the future; absolutely and compteley in both

cases. If the answer to either is "no", then the relationship has had it.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:01 am

Hiya Ox & welcome to FG.

In your heart of hearts what do you really want to happen?

You say you love the way she is now and wish she'd been this way all along.

But you also say you've always had an open relationship.

As I understand it, an 'open relationship' is where either partner can sleep with someone else, but just not to rub their partners nose in it. So long as you don't know, it didn't hurt you.

Well you didn't know and it didn't hurt you!

But now she's found religion and she feels the need to 'purify her soul' as it were and make a clean breast of things. She must have been struggling with these feelings, hence her depression, but now wants to clear the air and start afresh as a good wife.

Surely if your relationship is 'open' then you must have been aware of the possibilities of extra-marital affaires for both of you, in which case you forgive and forget and enjoy the fact that she's now more the type of wife you want.

If, by 'open' you mean you allowed her a little freedom and didn't keep her under lock and key, then I would guess your first wife left because she felt smothered and this one will eventually do the same.

You have to look into your own heart and decide if your relationship is too good to lose or if you cannot look at her without picturing her with other men.

My personal view is that if a relationship is that good, but then someone strays, its worth looking at the reason why and trying hard to solve things rather than throwing years of a good relationship away just because of a fling.

I don't think this is as helpful as I thought it would be before I started writing it. Sorry! But I wish you luck and please come and discuss any other thoughts or problems as its always good to have a sounding board to throw ideas at when you're confused.

All best wishes, R.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:01 am

You really need to do some soul searching of your own, my friend.

If you truly feel that you can not get past this, then you need to end it and move on.

If you want to save your marriage then you probably can but it will takes lots of hard work and time. And you are going to have to stop asking her questions about the past.

Take it one day at a time. Find a professional to help you through this. If you are leary of a money sucking pyschiatrist or pyschologist - then try seeing a religious leader, a priest or minister.

Trusting her will take lots of time and work. She is going to have to work hard.

I know you are married, but you need to date her. Get to know each other all over again. And be honest.

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:02 am

You mean professional help for me?

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:03 am

Oxsamdeiduisc wrote: You mean professional help for me?

Both of you. Maybe both seperately and as a couple.

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:08 am

Thank you all for your replies, I can see that you guys are sincere and really do care about people.

So I should not ask questions about her past infidelities? But should she volunteer them or should I just let her off the hook? This seems to be an issue I can't get past. I'm constantly thinking back and wondering where each of us were during past times in our lives. And trying to figure out what I was doing wrong to cause her to feel she should cheat in the first place.

And by open relationship, I mean one that I didn't smother her, not one where we could cheat on each other.

LilacDragon · Post by **LilacDragon** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:17 am

Honestly, if hearing the details makes you feel worse about the whole thing then if she starts talking about it - tell her you don't want to hear it. If she needs to bear her soul then she needs to find a priest or a minister to tell it to. I know that when I found out that my (now ex) husband was cheating on me, hearing all about it sure made me feel like crap. To this day, I don't know why - I certainly didn't do anything wrong!

I'm not saying you should let her off the hook though. It is a pretty big and brightly colored hook, if you know what I mean and neither of you need to be reminded that it is "in the room".

You need to figure out how to put that hook in it's place however.

People really can change. My current husband is so much different now then he was 10 years ago and we have weathered some pretty horrendous crap. (We did manage to stay faithful - but there were moments when even that was in question.) The question is whether or not you can or want to deal with the past.

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:21 am

[quote=Rapunzel]If , by 'open' you mean you allowed her a little freedom and didn't keep her under lock and key, then I would guess your first wife left because she felt smothered and this one will eventually do the same.

That's not fair.

By professional help I meant for the two of you together. But you would definately benefit from talking with someone yourself. This is a heavy burden. You can't bear it all by yourself.

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:30 am

Yeah, in the case of the first marriage it was me who left so that's pretty much a bad assumption.

I have a hard time talking to other people about my problems. I've surprised myself by posting them here. I don't have many friends and I've always considered my wife my best friend and probably the only person I can talk to. We have talked alot about this she assures me that nothing will ever happen again but if I feel I can't deal with it she understands and is willing to give me as much room as I need. And if that means splitting up then so be it. She wants me to start going to church with her and put my faith in God. I've asked her if she truly wants to work things out because she wants to be with me or if she's doing it to be a good little Christian. She told me both. By the way, I'm gnostic.

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:41 am

You know that this will take a lot of time to get past. If you stay or if you go.

Devout Christian or not, she has a lot to make up for, and a lot of trust to regain. Basically you guys are starting from scratch.

It sounds like you really love her. My heart really goes out to you, brother. This is a hard spot.

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:48 am

I apologise if I made a bad assumption. It's just that I know quite a few men who hem their wives in so much and allow them so little freedom that the wife just has to break free.

I still wish you Good Luck with sorting this out and finding your own path to happiness.

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:55 am

[quote=Rapunzel]I apologise if I made a bad assumption. It's just that I know quite a few men who hem their wives in so much and allow them so little freedom that the wife just has to break free.

You are so right on that point my dear. I remain single because I keep meeting men like that.:-5

But hey, nobody is hemmin me in!:-6

Oxsamdeiduisc · Post by **Oxsamdeiduisc** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:08 am

CheshireCat wrote: [quote=Rapunzel]I apologise if I made a bad assumption. It's just that I know quite a few men who hem their wives in so much and allow them so little freedom that the wife just has to break free.

You are so right on that point my dear. I remain single because I keep meeting men like that.:-5

But hey, nobody is hemmin me in!:-6

I understand completely. In fact, this is what I wanted to avoid but it seems doing the opposite didn't work either. She keeps saying it had nothing to do with me and that it's not my fault. I still can't help but wonder if I'd only done things differently. Or if maybe I'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed. She denies all of this but then again, I wouldn't expect her to admit it if it were true.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:18 am

Im not cynical, or bitter or negative. I am unbiasedly giving my opinion based on observations Ive made during the course of my life. I dont know either one of you.. so again my comments are not personal. They are generic, and based on the facts provided. Dont feel hurt.. this is an unemmotional assessment of your situation. Firstly, when multiple sexual indecressions are admitted... the relationship is over. Unless it becomes redefined. Because the original concept revolving around the promise of fidelity, doesnt exist anymore. Secondly, people who are tormented by guilt or self loathing or fear will often turn to religion as a lifeline or a smoke screen to avoid responsibility for decisions made in the past. The commitment to the new found religion will not last. It serves as a band aid when chosen to cover up a wound. The decision to walk any spiritual path is made with the heart and the soul not the conscience. Of course what everyone else said is true. Only you can make this most important decision. What you can live with, and what you cant. Ive known the pain of adultery and I couldnt live with it. Wouldnt want to live with it. Good Luck to You

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 9:20 am

Oxsamdeiduisc wrote: [quote=CheshireCat]

I understand completely. In fact, this is what I wanted to avoid but it seems doing the opposite didn't work either. She keeps saying it had nothing to do with me and that it's not my fault. I still can't help but wonder if I'd only done things differently. Or if maybe I'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed. She denies all of this but then again, I wouldn't expect her to admit it if it were true.

Believe it had nothing to do with you. She did this all on her own. There is never an excuse to cheat in a realtionship. If you are unhappy, you leave. You do not go behind someone's back and you do not cheat.

Don't beat yourself up. As far as being any good in bed, that takes two sweetie. You're only as good as your partner.

Everything will work out. It always does. All things in time.:-6

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:00 am

Never ask a question unless you are willing to hear the answer you fear.

If I read correct this is marriage number 2 for her? Why? I sure hope for your sake it was not due to her cheating.

You are NEVER guaranteed she will not cheat again. She could be using her new found religion as an excuse and cover up to get away and sneak off again. You think long and hard about how much more tearing at your heart you can take.

Cheating is unforgiveable...

as well please please get both of you to the Dr. for STD testing.

annabelle · Post by **annabelle** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:19 am

Oxsamdeiduisc .... I think it's all down to whether or not you can forgive and forget, or whether or not you you even want to.

Your wife could no longer cope with her guilt so she became a Christian in order to ease her conscience. Big deal. All she's really succeeded in doing is making you feel bad too. The new found depression sounds to me like emotional blackmail, "I'm mentally ill so now to can't leave me".

Speaking personally, for me, once the trust has gone, it's gone. Period.

I hope whatever decision you arrive at, works for you. You've been through enough.

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 1:45 pm

Oxsamdeiduisc wrote: Thank you all for your replies, I can see that you guys are sincere and really do care about people.

So I should not ask questions about her past infidelities? But should she volunteer them or should I just let her off the hook? This seems to be an issue I can't get past. I'm constantly thinking back and wondering where each of us were during past times in our lives. And trying to figure out what I was doing wrong to cause her to feel she should cheat in the first place.

And by open relationship, I mean one that I didn't smother her, not one where we could cheat on each other.

Did your wife understand what "open" really meant to you? Did you both sit down and discuss this? She may have misunderstood, and finally decided that to be in an "open" marriage as she saw it, was not what she wanted anymore and she regrets her past activities. She wants to start fresh.

As far as "not smothering" her, did you, on the other hand, act like you didn't care what she did or where she went? This could be a problem as well.

minks · Post by **minks** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 2:38 pm

flopstock wrote: I have only one question..

Do you love her more then you hate what she did?

And you don't even have to answer that here. But if you can honestly answer it to yourself, you'll know in your heart whether you can put up the fight you need to to save this relationship or whether it's better to just call it a day.

You don't do either of you any favors if you try to salvage it just because you think you should. Life is just too short.

Can I steal that last line Floopy, .."Life is to short for I think I should's"

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 3:16 pm

Well I've been in your shoes. It was hard, but it's a personal journy that only you in the long run must travel. Every situtation leading to extra marital affairs are different. In my case, depression had brough me down, and my husband went searching for the wife, friend, sex and all the other stuff in another woman. Don't get me wrong though I don't blame myself for the affair soley, he did what he chose to do so he's in the wrong too.

Just do some soul searching, but in end you've gotta do what it is you think is best for yourself.

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Thu Aug 03, 2006 8:40 pm

CheshireCat wrote: [quote=Oxsamdeiduisc]

Believe it had nothing to do with you. She did this all on her own. There is never an excuse to cheat in a realtionship. If you are unhappy, you leave. You do not go behind someone's back and you do not cheat.

Don't beat yourself up. As far as being any good in bed, that takes two sweetie. You're only as good as your partner.

VERY well said.:yh_clap