Bring on the dancing goat.

[gmc]

Heard a joke once where the punhline was "bring on the dancing goat"

It's really funny but I can't for the life of me remember the first part. Any one know it?

[Rapunzel]

They're not the ones you wanted, but I thought you might like these:

A guy walks into a bar in Scotland and sits down beside an old man. They strike up a conversation and the old man says, "Laddie, do ya see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with me own hands, but do they call me McDougal the wallbuilder? No." The guy nods appreciatively and the old man says, "Do you ya see this bar here? I built this bar with me own hands, but do they call me McDougal the bar builder? No sir." The guy nods again and finally the old man says, "Arrgh...but ya **** one goat..."



At a Conference on Paranormal Events, the speaker asks the audience: "How many of you believe in ghosts?" Nearly all the hands go up. "How many have actually seen a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "How many of you have talked to a ghost?" Maybe a third of the hands still up now. "And how many have gotten to know a ghost over the course of repeated visits?" At this point there are still about a half-dozen hands. "OK, and has anybody here ever had... sexual relations... with a ghost?" Now only one guy has his hand up.

The speaker says, "Sir, would you be willing to share with us how it happened? I mean, how you came to, you know, have sex with a ghost?"

And the guy says, "Oh, ghost?

I thought you said goat."



So there's this penguin, and he's driving through the desert when his car starts to knock and hesitate and stall, so he slows down and creeps it along the side of the road till he pulls into this little town and rolls up to the garage just as the car dies. The mechanic walks over and says "Car trouble? I'll take a peek at her, but I got a few things to do first. Say it's pretty hot out, why don't you go over to the cafe and wait there."

So the penguin walks over to the cafe and pulls himself up on the stool at the counter and thinking, "jeez it's hot" he orders himself a big bowl of vanilla ice cream, but of course penguins got no thumbs, can't use a spoon, so he just has to kinda slap it into his mouth with his little vestigal wings and, of course, he gets it all over himself. Just as he's finishing up he glances over his shoulder and the mechanic is waving to him from across the street. So he pays up and waddles out and over to the mechanic.

The mechanic looks at him for a second and says "Yeah I see the problem buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

And the penguin goes "No way man, it's just ice cream."



Old guy gets on a bus and sees this punk kid on the bus. This kid has a mohawk that is spray painted different colors and piercings everywhere. He's got those annoying disc things in his ear lobes and tattoos and all of it. As the old man is staring at this punk kid, the punk kid asks, "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old man fires back, "Yeah I did. One time I ****ed parrot and I was just trying to figure out if youre my child."



A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"



A three legged dog walks into a bar and says:

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"



A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender slaps it down and says "For you, no charge."



Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Great food but no atmosphere (drum roll) (Clunk)



What did the elephant say when he was pulled out of quicksand by the balls?

"Thank you, Mr. & Mrs. Ball!"



I had a pet lizard. I called him Tiny. I called him Tiny because he was my newt.



A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything"

So I went to Ireland, and my car broke down. Luckily, a farm was nearby who invited me in for dinner while I waited for a mechanic. Walking around the premises, I saw this pig with only three legs. Surprised, I asked him, "Excuse me, why does your pig only have three legs?"

And the farmer said, "Oh, well see, this pig here's name is Paddy, and lemme tell you a story about him. One day, I was out on my tractor when something went wrong and the tractor accidentally got turned over. I was going to be crushed and would have died, 'cept Paddy here ran over and dragged me out. He saved my life that day he did."

And I said, "WOW! That's amazing! So he lost a leg while rescuing you?"

And the farmer said, "No, but lemme tell you a story. My son was fishing in the pond when all of a sudden, he fell right in. And somehow, his foot got trapped in a reed in the pond. He would've drowned to death if Paddy hadn't ran outside, untangled him, dragged him out from the pond, and applied snout-to-mouth resuscitation. He saved his life that day he did."

And I said, "Incredible! So that's why he has only three legs?"

And the farmer said, "No. But lemme tell you a story. My daughter was getting water from the well. All of a sudden, she fell right in! And she screamed and screamed, but no one could hear her! She would've died, 'cept Paddy here ran outside and rescued her. He saved her life that day he did."

"Unbelievable! But why does he only have three legs?!"

And the farmer said, "Well, you wouldn't eat a pig that special in one go, now would you."



Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I **** on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."



So a Polar Bear walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Bartender, give me a ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... beer."

The bartender says, "ok, but why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Oh, I was just born that way."



A pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel shoved down his pants and says, "Aaarrrr, matey, a pint o' beer, if you will!"

Bartender looks at him and says, "Say, you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"

Pirate says, "Aye, I know, it's driving me nuts!"



Why couldn't the lonely Trigonometry teacher get a loan?

He didn't have anybody to cosine for him.



Have you ever smelled mothballs?

Yes.

How did you get his little knees apart?



Boy: wtf is a palindrome

Girl: no, its not



I have the sense of humor of a 5-year-old. And he doesn't miss it at all... :wah:

[chocoholic]

Thanks Rapunzel, you've brightened up my day:wah:

[gmc]

Why is it women always know the crudest jokes?