Relationships: Which One is Yours?

[Jives]

Here are the possible relationships:

1. A Complementary Relationship exists when the distribution of power is unequal. One partner says, "Let's go dancing tonight." and the other says, "fine." The boss asks several employees to stay late and they agree to. In complementary situations like these, one party exercises control and the other is willing to go along. As long as both parties are comfortable with their roles, a complementary relationship can be stable. Problems are guaranteed, however, if both parties struggle to maintain a "one-up" position. There are even situations where both partners try to maintain a "one-down" position. (believe it or not)

For example:

"Where do you want to go tonight?"

"I don't care, whatever you want."

"I don't care either"

You can see how this struggle to avoid responsibility could go on and on, resulting in aggravation for both partners.

2. A Symmetrical Relaltionship exists when partners seek the same degree of control. this is the model that most young couples believe is the best approach. Although symmetry sounds like the best approach, it's not practical. On trivial issues like "What are we eating for dinner?" or "Should we buy yellow or green tennis balls?" equal decision making isn't worth the effort.

On major issues like "Should we move to a new city?" or "How many children should we have?" it may not even be possible to share the power equally. Then will come major disagreement and trouble. Despite it's impracticality, a symmetrical relationship is still the goal of many "modern" couples who object to the power structure of traditional marriages.

3. Unlike the lopsidedness of complementary relationships, and the total equality of symmetrical ones, a Parallel Relationship handles power in a much more fluid way. Partners shift between one-up and one-down roles, so that each person leads in some areas, and shares power equally in many others.

For example, I handle decisions about car repairs, lawn care, medical decisons, and household upgrades. My wife handles decisions about menu planning, home decorating, financial decisions, and takes the spotlight at parties with our friends.

When a decision is very important to one partner, the other willingly gives in, knowing the favor will be returned later. When issues are very important to both partners, for example college education decisions, power is shared equally. When an impasse occurs, (and they do!) each will make concessions in a way that keeps the overall balance of power equal.

Both partners work together to develop a solution that makes sense to everyone.

(My wife and I just got through a tough decision on whether or not to buy a pool table, and where it should go, along with how we would rearange the furniture to both fit the table and still maintain the beauty of our house.)

I taught my son about relationships by modeling this kind of parallel relationship. When he was young I showed him that I always kissed his mother goodbye, took great care to think of each other's feelings, that we shared all responsibilites on a sliding scale.

That is to say, the things that one person was good at were their responsibilities, the things that the other was good at were their responsibilities, and if there was a decision that was to be made and one partner really felt strongly about, the other partner was willing to give away that power, knowing that the favor would be returned later.

(Jives sits back and looks at his work)

Well...that's some of the best writing I've done in a while. I hope it helps someone.

[abbey]

Mine's complimetary, can't work out if that's good or bad!

[Jives]

Whoops! My fault! I should point out that none of these relationships are either good or bad!!

They are just the types of relationships possible, it's up to you to figure out if yor style is good or bad. If you are happy, that's good! If you are sad, that's bad!

You might use this info to change your relationship, though!:o

[minks]

I don't frankly know we touch on all 3

[SOJOURNER]

Opps! I've screwed your poll. I marked Symmentrical instead of Parallell and it won't let me change it!

My husband and I have always done what we thought was best at the time. Whoever it was most important to would make the decision and we've never had a problem separating what each would do.

[Shweet tatersalad]

I guess complementary comes closest.But it is way more extreme.

I am totally unlovable.

My wife hates my guts and wishes me dead at least once a week.I will not divorce because i will never see my daughter again if i do.

I don't really care what the ball and chain thinks of me but always fighting for my life makes for a stay on top of your game attitude and makes life a competition as too who will bury who first.

[SOJOURNER]

Shweet tatersalad wrote: I guess complementary comes closest.But it is way more extreme.

I am totally unlovable.

My wife hates my guts and wishes me dead at least once a week.I will not divorce because i will never see my daughter again if i do.

I don't really care what the ball and chain thinks of me but always fighting for my life makes for a stay on top of your game attitude and makes life a competition as too who will bury who first.


Oh, this is too sad.

[Accountable]

I don't like parallel. Parallel lines never touch. That can't be good for a relationship. :-3 Our relationship's more of a knot sometimes. :sneaky:

[nvalleyvee]

Symmetrical for me.

[BabyRider]

Shweet tatersalad wrote: I guess complementary comes closest.But it is way more extreme.

I am totally unlovable.

My wife hates my guts and wishes me dead at least once a week.I will not divorce because i will never see my daughter again if i do.

I don't really care what the ball and chain thinks of me but always fighting for my life makes for a stay on top of your game attitude and makes life a competition as too who will bury who first.
Tater, why do you think you're unlovable? Just because your wife may say so does not mean it's true.

By the way, although unsolicited, I am going to mention that parents in an unloving relationship do more harm to the child than staying for appearances sake. Your wife cannot legally keep you from your daughter if you choose to divorce her.

[weeder]

Shweet tatersalad wrote: I guess complementary comes closest.But it is way more extreme.

I am totally unlovable.

My wife hates my guts and wishes me dead at least once a week.I will not divorce because i will never see my daughter again if i do.

I don't really care what the ball and chain thinks of me but always fighting for my life makes for a stay on top of your game attitude and makes life a competition as too who will bury who first.
That is the saddest description Ive ever heard. It isnt that you arent lovable..This person just doesnt love you. If you are in a competition to bury each other.. your both being destroyed. Get out before its too late. And its true no one can keep you from seeing your daughter.

[Uncle Kram]

My marriage was not a complementary relationship.

In fact, my ex-wife never paid me any compliments

[Shweet tatersalad]

Hey look,it ain't so bad.I have always been a loner.I am very happy doing things on my own,always have,it's my nature.

And I have never had a good relationship with any women ever in my life.

I have had many girlfriends and it never went anywhere.My first marriage was not fun.And my second is not much better.I am not a sharing person,I like too keep too myself.And I have always believed that the there is some out there for everyone or your soul mate is out there is bull crap.I don't have many feelings and don't care too.So I use the hate too motivate me too be the best I can be.I take it too the gym and use it get a good work out in etc.Love will never be a part of my life and I'm OK with that.

[Accountable]

Careful, Shweet. Keep talkin' like that and one of these women'll fall in love with ya .... then try to fix ya! :wah:

[Shweet tatersalad]

Accountable wrote: Careful, Shweet. Keep talkin' like that and one of these women'll fall in love with ya .... then try to fix ya! :wah:


I can't be fixed,Thats why women don't like me for more than few hours.

[jana fraser]

None of the above!