About my friend..

[andre]

We talk daily over msn, for almost a year now, we met online but to me she seems to be one of my closest friends.

For a while now she has been sad, i try my best to make her happy.. but i can't. Recently she's very depressed, and always asks me things like "Should i just kill myself?" "What would i miss?".. and basically "whats the point of living?".. i myself cant think of a good reason.

She doesn't want love or relationships, and sometimes she doesnt even see the point of friendship, she says its a distraction and it holds her back..

One time she told me she cut her arm (she did.. alot), and i'm worried that it will get worse.. what should I do? i need to do something.

[RedGlitter]

Dear Andre,

Has she been this way from the beginning or did it just start? What kind of life does she have? How old is she? Does she have an abusive situation at home? People who cut themselves sometimes do it for attention, even though it's negative attention they will often receive, but usually it's done because they feel powerless and/or angry and cutting is a form of release for them. I know this is hard to understand how it could be but if you cut yourself (or otherwise harm yourself) you're not in your right frame of mind.

Why can you not think of a reason for her to keep living?

It sounds like she's got some mental issues, maybe some depression. If this is so, there's nothing you can really say to lift her spirits because it's in her mind, a possible chemical imbalance and requires medical treatment.



What does friendship hold her back from? A distraction from what? Being unhappy? Or what?

Not knowing much about her, it's possible she just likes the attention. Can you tell us more?

[spot]

How you might react will differ depending on, primarily, whether she's still under parental control (at one extreme) or she's a senior citizen (at the other). A clue to her age contrasted with your own would give us a lot more scope for offering advice. I had a think, and there was nothing one could say in the first case that would be appropriate in the second, and vice versa, other than "I choose to talk to you online".

[andre]

She's 17 and lives with her mom. She wasn't always so depressed no, but she wasnt really happy until she found someone, she fell in love but it didn't work out in the end (i guess this is the most important bit i left out..). She has been down ever since, this happened over half a year ago, but its like a part of her died..

As for the not being able to think of a good reason for her to keep living, its not just her, i dont really see the point in any of us living, unless you weigh the good points against the bad, which i have done, but she doesn't see any good points as good.

She says friendship holds her back from her path in life, but she doesnt know that either.. its something i can't understand.

She has been on medical treatment, anti-depressents, im not sure how long or if she still takes them, but shes usually just 'O.k' and quite emotionless, i dont think they are doing her any good.

[RedGlitter]

In truth, there is probably nothing you can do. Maybe suggest that she try a different medication; they don't all work the same for every person and she may need a different one. I hesitate to say this but at 17, teenaged girls are a world of drama and emotions, even into their 20s. When you lose in love it feels like the end of the world anyway for a while but add being 17 to it and that's worse because you have little perspective at that age. What is this path she talks about? Have you ever asked her what she means or what she thinks her path is supposed to be? It sounds like she is partly setting out to remain miserable. Has she tried getting some counseling? As a friend there's only so much you can do and you're probably already doing it by continuing to give her your support and ear. But if you keep doing so, make sure she doesn't bring you down further. Life isn't always a big day at the beach but it's not the worst thing that's ever happened either.

[Felinessa]

RedGlitter is perfectly right. After you mentioned her age and the relationship that went wrong, I thought that this sounds quite normal for an adolescent (aside from the cutting): you see, the part of the brain responsible for emotions develops faster than the one responsible for logic and reasoning. Add to that hormonal changes and lack of life experience, and this is why adolescents react so much more violently to things adults are pretty zen about. I was a lot more emotional at 15 than I am at 25, and to be honest, I have suspected myself of being clinically depressed for the past couple of years BECAUSE I don't feel much anymore. But in my case, it's probably because I am obsessively analytical, which is seen as a good thing in my job, and my training pushes me to first think and then react or feel. Not a good thing, but I'm working on it.

However, there are two things in your initial post which raised red flags for me: first is the apathy, which is characteristic of depressed individuals (the part where she doesn't have the drive to do anything and doesn't see the point in living or in creating meaningful relationships; this is actually what depression is like, rather than prolonged sadness). The second is the cutting, which to me sounds like she's battling depression on her own: one of the reasons for cutting is to FEEL something, albeit it be pain, because any feeling is better than being numb. Other people, especially those who were abused, see it as a way of letting the pain out, as I think RedGlitter said. It sounds quite obvious that the antidepressants aren't exactly working, which why is she should be trying a new prescription. Most people say they had to experiment with different drugs before they could find one which made them feel good and didn't take the edge off.

Now this is how you can help her:

1. Try to understand that you are not qualified to give her the kind of help that she needs. You can be a friend to her and you can talk to her and try to cheer her up, but she needs to see a specialist. This is particularly difficult for people to accept, since they feel that they should be doing something for their friends and telling them to entrust the problem to a stranger makes them feel powerless. But it is more beneficial in the long run, and trying to convince the friend to see the counsellor is the best thing you could do for her.

2. Suggest seeing a counsellor. You should expect resistance, especially since it sounds she was taken to a psychiatrist (I'm inferring that from the fact that she was prescribed anti-depressants, and only MDs can do that). I'm saying "especially" because the lack of improvement from the drugs may make her feel like doctors are useless. There is still a stigma associated with seeing a "shrink," but there are doctors out there (both psychologists and psychiatrists) specializing in adolescent psychology and it's a matter of finding someone she can relate to.

3. This may sound terribly invasive, but if she mentioned cutting herself, she could die, so the measure may be justified. It might be a good idea to encourage her to talk to her mother or to try to contact her mother and explain the situation as a concerned friend. Sometimes, parents (even good parents) don't have a clue what their teenagers are going through because the latter are so good at erecting "walls." She might be able to take your friend to a good doctor. If you choose this, however, you should be prepared to deal with two things:

a) your friend will feel betrayed

b) the mother will be suspicious and not welcome the intervention (the fact that you are only internet friends may be problematic to some parents, especially if they aren't used to communicating online)

So proceed with the utmost caution.

Another thing you could do is try to meet her in real life, if you live close enough. There is a slight possibility that the girl is perfectly normal and doing this for attention, i.e. she is not depressed and she is feeding you morbid details so you could feel bad for her and keep talking to her. Okay, now this isn't perfectly normal either, but it's not unheard of in terms of adolescent behaviour (heck, there are adults out there who do this). So before you do anything drastic, try to figure out if the situation is real. Don't take it to heart if it's not - the internet is the perfect outlet for all kinds of childish drama.

Good luck and keep us updated :yh_hugs

[andre]

Thanks for all the replies, just to let u lot know whats been happening..

Although she didn't seem to get any happier, at least she didn't get any worse. She started seeing a physchiatrist, and you are correct, she does seem to feel that the doctor is useless. I'm afraid i have no means to contact her mother, or meeting her irl, since I'm from england and she is from germany.

Sadly she has started distancing herself from me, and we dont really talk.. although we are both online, it seems we arn't really friends anymore. She has met some new people, and has gone back to doing things I think she enjoys, so i guess it turned out well.

[RedGlitter]

Dear Andre,

Thank you for updating us.

I hope you are right and that she is involved in other things and with other people and is getting a grip on herself.

If that's the case, try not to be too upset that she is distancing herself from you. It could be that she is embarrassed about things she's done and told you about and it could aslo be that your friendship has served out its purpose. You were there to listen to her when no one else would.

It is upsetting when that happens but sometimes we're put right in the place we need to be for a reason and then the necessity passes and we move on.

[daBunnyWendy7]

Dear Andre,

I agree w Felissina .I was a hotline counsellor on the DAPE warmline (focus was a hotline for parents and caregivers for their needs ad those of their babies and children)and have had experience w depressed ad selfdestructive indivduals.I AM NOT a psychologist NOR a psychiatrist.My advice is she needs BOTH medical treatment AND a good counsellor SHE WORKS WELL with.Whatever has her trying to release pain or feel it needs to be explored WITH a trained professional which you are not.That WILL NOT be comfortable and THAT fact should be talked about so she doesn't bail out of the effort BUT she should try more than 1 counsellor IF the first isn't a fit SHE FEELS goodenough about.Remember ILL people may hurt you and don't blame yourself if her unhealthy conversations OR behavior continue.If you nolonger hear from her think positive thoughts such as she made positive changes either due to counselling,medication or a move out of an unhealthy home or relationship.If the opportunity arises to speak w her suggest BOTH a psychiatrist (prescribes meds) and a counsellor(good for lengthy discussion of adolecent stress)She can call a local or regional community hotline or social services center for more personalied attention to her particular situation(which you DO NOT really know...don't feel responsable...she is far away AND even a local friend may not have all the details)If you are spiritual ,Pray for her and if not think about the positive actions you HAVE taken AND the helpful things you did say.