The first steps in befriending online communication....

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:06 pm

What are they?

Without sounding weird but trying to get to know someone to befriend them online first, how do you not sound weird or creepy? I would like to try and talk with a local girl who has some of the same interests (writing, poetry, making friends). We started writing back-and-forth, and it seems like she stopped after her third message to me. It was the same thing with three guys I wanted to befriend prior to her. One of these guys is this girl's husband. It's been eight days since I have heard from her. My own mind is driving me crazy wondering if it was something I said in my last message. But...why do people take it for granted that once you are in their list, they seem to stop after the third message? How can I get to know others if that is persisitently happening.

The thing I find annoying is that people take it for granted that being in someone's Friends list on MySpace (yes, MySpace) they tend to stop writing emails to you. This girl and two of the three guys before her sounded like they all really wanted to write me/get to know me. They have said stuff like, "Well, I hope to hear back from you" and "thank you for writing me. I would like to get to know you more." And these are people who have "Friends" next to their "Here for" part of their profile. But... I am looking to make actual local/in-town friends or at least get to know people, you know. Why do they say these things if they stop writing after three messages?

So, how do I NOT sound creepy? I mean, think about it and please place yourself in my shoes: if you are trying to talk with someone you would like to talk more with and even hang out with, how would you go about it without sounding pushy or impatient (even if I am)? There are qualities of these popel that I really like about them as potential friends. And, the whole "they might be busy" phrase doesn't convince me. I have noticed they get online on an almost daily basis (two of them and the other two are a couple of times per week), and I have seen some of them leave comments on their other friends' pages. So.... what is happening???? Why would people who claim to want to make friends take advantage of just keeping you in their friends' list? And, these people don't have 100s of people either. So, it's not like they just add anyone.

Any ideas? I am just running into corners.

I would be most interested in hearing from people who have actual MySpace accounts and who are somewhat familiar with the interaction that goes on. And, no, I would prefer not to hear things like, "That's why I don't use those things, etc." For one, I am using it to socialize since I have a difficult time in doing so in person, I was recommended to use this website. And I find it odd how I have had the same thing happen with four different people. What is going on? Any of you had similiar experiences on MySpace? Thanks to all replies.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:32 pm

Do all of you live in the same vicinity? Before you get upset - why don't you take the initiative and suggest getting together. Coffee shop - lunch - hoops etc..

Then you'll know their position for friendship. As far as meeting people - you'll need to join something - bowling league - YMCA. Good Luck Patsy

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:17 pm

Patsy Warnick wrote: Do all of you live in the same vicinity? Before you get upset - why don't you take the initiative and suggest getting together. Coffee shop - lunch - hoops etc..
Yes, we live in the same city. My city is large, but it isn't a really huge city either. We have, maybe, a radius of about 10 miles around our downtown and that's it. Not that far or anything.

Oh, I understand about your recommendation for me taking the initiative of suggesting a get-together. That's my whole purpose of this thread. I was looking for ways in doing so without sounding creepy. I mean, it was just last Sunday evening when I wrote this married girl (my latest example). A online Canadian friend of mine told me to be honest when writing with people straight up. You know, let them know that I am interested in making friends. So, I did that with this girl, and she told me she was looking for the same thing. She thanked me for writing her and found it refreshing not to get perverted-types of emails. So, we wrote back and forth the next couple of days three times each. Then, she stopped. I first thought it was just maybe she got busy and didn't have time. But....I noticed she was on MySpace daily and even has left comments for her other friends. After one week of not hearing from her this past Tuesday (yesterday), I took it personally.

I think the whole point of writing someone is to get to know them a little. Get to see what kind of a person they are, get to know their interests, etc. Then, I feel like it'll be easier to base upon hangout initiations. I'd really like that.

My situation is kinda different. Yeah, I can risk being bold and just initiating a hangout, but I don't want to blow it and make it sound like I am a weirdo or something. Afterall, we have only sent each other three messages and have sent one or two comments on each others' MySpace. I don't know where to invite her. I mention her because she is the latest person I have been writing with. We have some writing/poetry commonalities, and I was hoping to keep those messages flowing a bit to get to know her more, you know.

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:24 pm

Pinky wrote: Try getting to know them online for a while, and if you 'click' with people, they will let you know.
That's another problem. I am trying to get to know them for a while to see if we click, but how can I do that if they just stop after three messages? I haven't heard from the first one since early July, so that's obvious he isn't going to write me back. However, he has me as one of his top 8 friends. That's what I am hoping - for these people to write me. It doesn't have to be daily, but I just don't want them to forget about me. They all have me in their profiles.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:45 pm

Have you posted anything to the girl lately? Are you sure she's single? After having common interests one would think she'd keep lines of communication open.

Or perhaps she's waiting and wanting a invite. Your friend told you to be open and honest, I guess you may need to be bold, all she can say is no. Ask her to a movie - shopping - lunch something simple.

The guy's - well that's another hormone - they could be insecure, due to many things - over weight - no teeth, whatever. Be bold and contact them. If no response, well, I'm sorry, don't take it personally. Some people are on line just to B.S.. Good luck Patsy

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:18 pm

Flying,

I think it would help if you told us your gender (I looked in your profile, but I don't think you filled out that part). If you're a guy and this girl is married, she may have pulled back to avoid making her partner jealous (even if you clearly stated you just wanted to be friends). I know that it would make me uncomfortable if future-hubby were meeting girls online. I trust him and I know he'd never cheat on me, but I wouldn't know those girls, and therefore I would have no reason to trust them. Obviously, I have no problem if he hangs out with people from school or work because I've heard enough about them to know they are okay. He has female friends and it's never crossed my mind to be jealous. But when it comes to internet people, I wouldn't meet a guy unless he were present and wanted to meet the guy as well. He's not the jealous type and I'm not the cheating type, but it would make me uncomfortable. However, I wouldn't have a problem meeting other girls.

If you are a girl, then I have no idea why she pulled back. Sometimes, people can tell right away if they click or if they have an interest in someone. But if they find that the click is not there, they are not always straight-forward about it because they don't want to hurt the other person. Phrases like "I'm looking forward to hearing from you" and "I hope you write back" shouldn't always be taken at face value - they could simply be pleasantries.

As far as the guys go, I can tell you that they seldom look just for friends :wah: So if you're a girl, maybe they didn't see the potential there (not fair, it shouldn't be a criterion for friendship, but many see it like that). If you're a guy, they just didn't bother.

In terms of the pushiness, I think that you shouldn't jump to the invitations too soon. Just make casual conversation for a while until you're comfortable with each other. I've always been reluctant to meet people who seemed desperate to meet or who wanted to be instant friends. Remember that it takes a while for trust to develop and for friendships to grow. It may be that you came on too strongly and it freaked them out. Or it may be that you didn't have that much in common. If you take it slowly, I think your chances will increase, but do give it time. When you bump into someone you click with right away, I think they will be just as inclined to meet you.

A piece of advice would be to join an online interest group which holds regular meetings. That way, you could hang out with an entire group, so the creepiness factor will be around zero :wah: There are writers' groups out there - people who read each other's stuff and help each other out. Or you could join a Book Club. If the group is large enough, your chances of making friends with at least one person will increase dramatically, since you'll be exposed to a larger pool. And you know, all it takes is one person, since that's how you get to meet other people and participate in various events.

Let us know how it goes

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 8:02 pm

I have mentioned twice that the girl is married. I am female, by the way.

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 8:09 pm

Felinessa wrote: In terms of the pushiness, I think that you shouldn't jump to the invitations too soon. Just make casual conversation for a while until you're comfortable with each other.
Thanks for your advice. In reference to your last sentence about making casual conversation for a while: Yeah, well...as I mentioned a couple of times, how can I tell if these people will write me back so I can hold further conversation? I have already sent them a message, but I have been waiting for a response on their end.

If you take it slowly, I think your chances will increase, but do give it time. When you bump into someone you click with right away, I think they will be just as inclined to meet you.
But, how long is "give it time" if these people just have me in their Friends' list but don't really send me messages? That's sorta my point. In my head, having message responses after a longer period of time helps determine more about what you think of the person. But, if it's only two days, then that's not long enough to form an opinion until you find more interests and stuff. That's where I am scratching my head. These people "just stop" but still have me in their lists. :-5

A piece of advice would be to join an online interest group which holds regular meetings. That way, you could hang out with an entire group, so the creepiness factor will be around zero :wah: There are writers' groups out there - people who read each other's stuff and help each other out. Or you could join a Book Club. If the group is large enough, your chances of making friends with at least one person will increase dramatically, since you'll be exposed to a larger pool. And you know, all it takes is one person, since that's how you get to meet other people and participate in various events.
Those are good ideas. I have researched local meetings, but there aren't really any meetings here in town. As far as book clubs go, I am not an avid reader, so that would just lead to dishonesty. That's what my brain thinks.

Let us know how it goes

Thanks! I will keep you all updated...hopefully, they will be good updates.

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 8:14 pm

Patsy Warnick wrote: Have you posted anything to the girl lately?
My last MySpace message response was last week's Monday night (21st of August). I have left her a MySpace comment saying, "Just leaving a note. How was your weekend?" I posted this comment on Monday. No response either. Her profile is private, so it's obvious she's trying to keep her profile so it's not so public. Therefore, she doesn't strike me as someone who has a lot of friends in her list just for the sake of. Most of the comments are from her work friends, so she doesn't get a lot of unsolicited comments. If she was sorta holding her profile quite exclusive, then she has kept me in her list. What bothers me if is she hasn't had much open time, then you would think she would've said, "I'm sorry I haven't written. I still owe you a message." But...nothing.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Wed Aug 30, 2006 8:46 pm

OK, female, now I understand why you hesitate to be assertive in conversations/invites with the guys. Perhaps in your next e-mail to these guys, you form it in a question. Example - car questions - as if you'd need a mechanic referral. Guys are geared to be needed/helpful. Generate guy talk to generate a response. Nothing deceptive, it could be a comment about football, guy stuff.

As far as that girl - that's rude, she could've said anything to respond. Don't get your feelings hurt, people are fickle, I'm still trying to figure them out.

Patsy

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Thu Aug 31, 2006 5:20 am

Well, not all guys are into car stuff. So unless you're actually interested in car stuff, I wouldn't see a point in chasing someone who is. I know it was just an example, but I think it's more important to look for common interests. My gent friend and I initially bonded over being academics, although we are in different fields; then it went from there, since we both have lots of alternative interests. But he'd definitely not be the guy to ask about car stuff

I'm not going to lie about this, but it's rather hard to meet a single guy "just for friends." The only way they'll say they want to be friends is if they are interested in you. If they aren't, they won't want to be friends anymore. Sure, you can't generalize, I've met a few guys online that I was friends with, but they were in the minority.

I'd say don't obsess over that particular girl. Whatever her motives, I don't think it's something you did wrong. Maybe she's not really willing to meet people in real life. A lot of people are perfectly happy with their current circles and don't feel the need to expand.

Another thing I'd do would be to cast my net a tad more widely. I have a profile on MySpace, but only to keep in touch with an old friend. So I don't know about the possibilities of the site - do they have interest groups? do they have local groups? But there are other general-interest sites which are quite friendly. I don't know if you are interested in dating, but some dating sites have regular meets. I don't know how many people actually hook up at these meets, but they definitely make friends. Usually, there are lots of single girls who show up, and since the male pickings are rather slim, they end up bonding with each other. So maybe you could look into that as well.

Post by **spot** » Thu Aug 31, 2006 6:03 am

flyingspaghetti wrote: Yes, we live in the same city. My city is large, but it isn't a really huge city either. We have, maybe, a radius of about 10 miles around our downtown and that's it. Not that far or anything.That's bigger than San Jose, and San Jose has a million and a half residents. Big in my book, though US urban areas tend to sprawl a lot further than other places. New York's 20% bigger than Tokyo/Yokahama but it only has half the number of people. It's not even as though T/Y's that densely populated - London has more people to the square mile. To take the extreme example, Lagos in Nigeria is smaller than your city but it has thirteen million people. But I digress.

My experience is twofold. Firstly, that emails (or MySpace comments, I'd think of them as equivalent for the first few weeks) are easy to dry up if you count them religiously. You don't get one back, you still write another and another. The other is that you can email for ever and not get a spark. It's a way of finding someone who's interested enough to swap an Instant Messenger address with you. An hour on an IM is worth a week of formal penfriend-writing, in terms of breaking ice and knowing you've found someone you could enjoy meeting. Get a webcam and you're even better placed.

As to how to be interesting, lord knows - I never found that trick. I'm glad you're coming back onto this thread and chasing a way to make it work for you though.

Felinessa · Post by **Felinessa** » Thu Aug 31, 2006 6:18 am

I agree with Spot that getting an IM address is probably the best move. But then again, just because you had a good conversation with someone once, it doesn't mean they'll keep wanting to talk to you after that.

People are mighty strange.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Aug 31, 2006 3:15 pm

The first steps in befriending online communication....

I havent got a clue but I can pm you for sure things not to do. Its all I know.

flyingspaghetti · Post by **flyingspaghetti** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 3:27 pm

Thank you for your further advice, everyone. I appreciate it very much.

Well, a funny thing happened.... late last night she wrote me a comment saying she hadn't heard from me in a while and would hope to hear back from me. Wow!!! Haha...how funny how we BOTH were thinking the same thing!! :wah: That tells me one of our messages didn't go through, and we were both wondering about each other. She was just the first one to make mention of it. I am going to write her a message in a while. That was pretty unexpected but really cool...

Nomad, I am still interested in your list of things NOT to do, if you can send it my way via PM.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Fri Sep 01, 2006 5:56 pm

Cool. Thanks for the update - Have a safe and fun weekend . Patsy