Do All Men Cheat If So, Why?

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:38 am

happa wrote: I have been a mistress for about 2 months now. My married male friend is a dcotor in his early forties with two young kids and a wife, also a doctor. This is my first time experiencing this kind of relationship.

The reason why my friend sees me is because he and his wife have zero intimacy, zero sex, zero passion. And it is not because he is a dud in bed, making that the reason why his wife is not interested in sex with him. He has a healthy sexual appetite and is very skilled, attractive and genuinely passionate.

I frankly think that my friend made a mistake in marrying his wife (he told me this himself) but is in a situation where he now has kids and loves them and is responsible for them. He is stuck with his cold, flat marriage however.

I do not think he is doing something terrible. I feel he is simply looking for love, or at least the feeling of love, intimacy, passion and most of all, to feel like a desireable man again. He does not feel this way with his wife. I don't feel like I am doing something terrible. I am discreet and I feel good about seeing him come alive again. I enjoy his friendship and how he makes me feel desireable without monopolizing my time.

Yes there is deception involved, as he must lie to his wife. I wonder though, if she were to ever find out, would it come as a surprise to her? I mean, you are married for 10 years and have sex MAYBE once every 6 weeks? If I were a spouse in such a marriage I would not be surprised. They have tried counseling to resolve this problem, but it is a symptom of something else.

He sees me to make the marriage tolerable, after all the counseling that did not work. I think this is the point of all long-term affairs, which are different from one-night stands, or cheating events that "just happen."

I have no expectations for this relationship except that it be a sort of friends with benefits thing. In a way it works out perfectly for me because although I am single I am a very busy person socially, professionally and in the arts. We get together, catch up, perhaps share a meal and make love.

The issue is that it is a problem without a solution, or two needs that are in conflict. He needs to maintain his marriage and be responsible for the kids even though he has no feelings for his wife. And the conflicting need is the need for the love feeling and emotional connection and intimacy, which he is finding in an "unacceptable" place, i.e., outside of the marriage.

The same old bollox - if you believe that your an idiot .The guy is married he has a wife and kids you made yourself available so your nothing more than free sex on a plate and if you think he will ever leave you for his family YOU ARE ****ING STUPID .

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:40 am

pantsonfire321@aol.com wrote: The same old bollox - if you believe that your an idiot .The guy is married he has a wife and kids you made yourself available so your nothing more than free sex on a plate and if you think he will ever leave you for his family YOU ARE ****ING STUPID .

Pants

I wish you would come out and say what you really feel

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Tue Sep 05, 2006 4:47 am

Pinky wrote: Hehe....I'm surprised no-one has called me an idiot slapper yet!

I have an excuse - I was 19 at the time, in a different country and pretty naiive.

But, I always say never regret things that you've done, only the things that you haven't.

Hey that would make me a hypocrite - i did it myself when i was very young (17) and stupid so i speak from experiance .

overtones · Post by **overtones** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:29 am

pantsonfire321@aol.com wrote: The same old bollox - if you believe that your an idiot .The guy is married he has a wife and kids you made yourself available so your nothing more than free sex on a plate and if you think he will ever leave you for his family YOU ARE ****ING STUPID .

First, I think you're being disrespectful to talk this way to happa. I don't know the history between the two of you, but calling somebody names is not acceptable to me.

Second, happa didn't say she was looking for any long-term relationship out of this; she described it a friendship with benefits. You ascribed motives to her that she doesn't have.

overtones · Post by **overtones** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:36 am

Going back to the original question on this thread, I know for a fact that all men do not cheat on their wives. I was married for 20-plus years. At times we went for long periods (months) without sex, but I never cheated on her and still haven't, although we're in the midst of a divorce right now.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 12:03 pm

overtones wrote: Going back to the original question on this thread, I know for a fact that all men do not cheat on their wives.

I agree, OTones.

Is your divorce difficult or amicable? I wish you the best of luck. :-6

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 12:04 pm

I can't justify cheating, if the marriage is failing you have options, get out, or get it fixed. (sorry it's BS to stick in a marriage for the sake of kids, utter and complete BS, if a married couple have problems kids pick up on it, better off splitting and having the kids see 2 happy parents even if they are not together)

To anyone who is a cheater, put yourself into the shoes of the person you are cheating on and multiply the hurt by 100.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 12:11 pm

minks wrote: To anyone who is a cheater, put yourself into the shoes of the person you are cheating on and multiply the hurt by 100.

Minxsie

It sounds like you are speaking from personal experience. If so, I'm sorry you had to go through that kind of pain. :-1

CheshireCat · Post by **CheshireCat** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 1:06 pm

minks wrote: I can't justify cheating, if the marriage is failing you have options, get out, or get it fixed. (sorry it's BS to stick in a marriage for the sake of kids, utter and complete BS, if a married couple have problems kids pick up on it, better off splitting and having the kids see 2 happy parents even if they are not together)

To anyone who is a cheater, put yourself into the shoes of the person you are cheating on and multiply the hurt by 100.

Right on Minksy! Even if you are not happy in the relationsip yourself, to learn that your partner stepped outside of it and did not come to you. I can't describe what that does to a person. It's beyond embarasment and humilation. It's is a direct hit to your soul.

overtones · Post by **overtones** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:08 pm

cherandbuster wrote: I agree, OTones.

Is your divorce difficult or amicable? I wish you the best of luck. :-6

Cher,

Thanks. I'm trying to make it as amiable as possible. I want to be as generous to my stbxw and kids as possible, but also look after my own interests, and I don't make a great deal of money.

BTW, who is Buster?:-6

overtones · Post by **overtones** » Tue Sep 05, 2006 3:11 pm

minks wrote: I can't justify cheating, if the marriage is failing you have options, get out, or get it fixed.

I agree completely. Either fix it or get out of it, but don't stay in it and complain or look for sympathy.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Wed Sep 06, 2006 1:34 am

Pinky wrote: Probably - they're hardly going to say 'Hi love, you're nice. I'm a total smeghead, but hey, how d'ya fancy it?'

:wah: :wah: :wah: Smeghead!! That's funny!! I've actually never heard that one before!

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:22 am

overtones wrote: First, I think you're being disrespectful to talk this way to happa. I don't know the history between the two of you, but calling somebody names is not acceptable to me.

Second, happa didn't say she was looking for any long-term relationship out of this; she described it a friendship with benefits. You ascribed motives to her that she doesn't have.

Disrespectful, i would say thats reserved for the woman continuing an affair with a married man - the same woman who knows the guy has kids and could be ruining their lives .There is a difference and we have choices she is chosing to sleep with a married man . To knowingly go into an affair with a married man is wrong,to go into a relationship with somebody and find out they are married and continue that affair is wrong .To go into a relationship and be duped just like a wife is a different matter entirely . I've been on both sides of the coin when i was 17 ( my first boyfriend) turned out to be a cheater he lied to me saying he was single when all the time he had a longterm girlfriend and a young child .When i found out i was so ashamed it wasn't my fault but it sure felt like it .Then a few years later i had somebody cheat on me - ask any woman (or man) its the worst kind of betrayal that a person can do to another .

My words may sound harsh but i really do think she is being nieve . I also find it hard to believe she continues the relationship and wants nothing out of it

. She may discribe it as a freindship with benefits but im pretty sure his wife would tell it like it is shes stealing a husband away from his family . How can any of us say thats right .

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 5:08 am

WOW . where is the love ? from a mans point of view some women seem to go for guys that they know are in a steady relationship , maybe for no strings attached fun , or they feel safe and wont get hurt or whatever , I'm not particularly good looking but in the last ten years I've been with my partner if I'd of wanted to i could of cheated dozens of times with the women doing all the chatting up ,chasing etc I've never or would ever cheat the hurt it would cause my partner does not bare thinking about but i'm a man who is comfortable with himself my ego does not need feeding I'd rather someone say i was nice funny kind honest than good looking (just as well really lol) but if some one was say a bit lacking in the confidence dept then i could see how some weak people could be led a stray

when you have steak at home you don't shop for spam

KARENSVINEYARD · Post by **KARENSVINEYARD** » Thu Sep 14, 2006 8:55 pm

MOST not all will cheat at some point. whatever reason they give ya for the most part isnt the real reason either. women though do the same, its just not talked about as much cause they're better at hidin' it. if a man dont know his partner is cheatin' its because shes either good at hidin' it or hes doin the same and knows he'll get the brunt of it. i'll give opinion list of why i think men cheat and or lie they're cheatin' on you or somebody else

#1 cause they're married

#2 cause they got a girlfriend that wants to marry them

#3 cause they gotta a wife or girlfiriend hes gotta a kid with or its her kid (not reason, but a profile of circumstance in many cases)

#4 wants to try a younger one to feel younger

#5 wants to know what his choices are if he divorces his wife or dumps his girl

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 6:40 am

earth calling women on this page all men dont cheat i'm living proof of that

i love my partner .. i'd never cheat on her and besides she keeps a news paper clipping of john wayne bobbet and a sharp knife next to the bed :-3

nspencer83 · Post by **nspencer83** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:34 pm

I don't think all men cheat.

I think if you are very open and express you feeling for each other then you will never get bored. I know that in my relationship we are completly honest with each other. He goes out of to

wn a lot for work abd there has been many time he could of cheated but didn't and he would either call me and tell me about it or wait until he got home. I know if he would ever cheat on me he would tell me her screwed up. But females are no different they are just as guilty as men are when it comes to cheating.

nspencer83 · Post by **nspencer83** » Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:36 pm

KARENSVINEYARD wrote: MOST not all will cheat at some point. whatever reason they give ya for the most part isnt the real reason either. women though do the same, its just not talked about as much cause they're better at hidin' it. if a man dont know his partner is cheatin' its because shes either good at hidin' it or hes doin the same and knows he'll get the brunt of it. i'll give opinion list of why i think men cheat and or lie they're cheatin' on you or somebody else

#1 cause they're married

#2 cause they got a girlfriend that wants to marry them

#3 cause they gotta a wife or girlfiriend hes gotta a kid with or its her kid (not reason, but a profile of circumstance in many cases)

#4 wants to try a younger one to feel younger

#5 wants to know what his choices are if he divorces his wife or dumps his girl
that is the truth and I am a female

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 12:16 am

my partner and i are very close , we tell each other every thing , nearly all her friends are cheating ,want to cheat ,would cheat , its just you guys dont get caught your just soo good at covering your tracks

the fact of the matter is so would most of my friends as well

i think if your in love with your partner , your not neglected and your happy

you wont cheat , if you feel unloved unwanted and unhappy you will cheat

what ever gender you are

sh*t i better go tell sue i love her ,and make breakfast in bed or some thing :wah:

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 6:44 am

nspencer83 wrote: that is the truth and I am a femalewhich makes it opinion, not fact.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 6:51 am

I'll even go so far to say that the women who've posted here that most men cheat, have not experienced what they believe - that being that most, or even all, of their romantic relationship partners cheated on them.

Katy1 · Post by **Katy1** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 9:22 am

Nope, I don't think all men cheat at all. It's a case of being a decent individual with good morals. I think that some men use this stereotyping to make an excuse for immature behaviour and use the 'man was designed to spread his seed' bullshit. We have reason which puts us above the animal kingdom, to decide to use analogies with primates or whatever when it suits just smacks of avoidance.

Katy

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 9:36 am

Katy1 wrote: Nope, I don't think all men cheat at all. It's a case of being a decent individual with good morals. I think that some men use this stereotyping to make an excuse for immature behaviour and use the 'man was designed to spread his seed' bullshit. We have reason which puts us above the animal kingdom, to decide to use analogies with primates or whatever when it suits just smacks of avoidance.

Katy

You go, girl! :guitarist

Katy1 · Post by **Katy1** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 9:55 am

cherandbuster wrote: You go, girl! :guitarist

Did it come accross a bit pissy? :wah:

I just get annoyed at some mens insistance at staying pubescent when it comes to taking reponsibility for their actions. Like in agony aunt columns when you get a woman writing in really upset and confused about their partners regular use of porn. Instead of the advice giver saying 'look, he has a choice, he doesn't need porn he just likes it, if he really has respect and love for you he'd bin it'. But instead they say 'what your feeling is wrong, he still loves you, why not try it too?' which just completely rubbishes the womans opinions and emotions. Many men say 'well all men regularly look at porn' making themselves feel part of a manly club- 'one of the boys' and it allows them not have to question their actions. Just the same with 'all men will stray'. It's just a convenient 'wisdom' which stops them from having to think about how they behave and why.

Katy

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:18 am

Katy1 wrote: Did it come accross a bit pissy? :wah:

Not at all -- I fully support what you said :-6

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:28 am

my name is erm george and my partner er rose thats it rose we are using jims login name to put our point of view across

now jim oops i mean george is not into porn at all but er rose really enjoys it so i try not to be a prude if she likes it why would i want to ruin it for her , live and let live i say just because rose is into porn it does not follow that she will be unfaithfull :wah:

Shweet tatersalad · Post by **Shweet tatersalad** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 10:52 am

Not all men cheat,Now do all men THINK about cheating,that another thread?

But some men do,for whatever reason,it's hard too just pick one.I have not ever cheated on any of my five wives,Just kidding,I got only one ex and one current/pending.but for some that do they my have there own issues.We don't know.But it's foolish endeavor,For me? I have never had a relationship work out with a woman in my life,both my wives turned into my most deadly assassin,so why the hell would ever and onto this dilemma and get involved with a piece of strange?

If I just wanna get my rocks off,I'll just get a woman of the evening and pay my money,get my ride and boot her too the curb.

And go on,no strings, no crap, no problem.

but some men are just too immature too be a man about there responsibility's and at least be the family man that should be.If I want too get into a new relationship,I will just do after I divorce my wife and move on.

Wifes/girlfriends are like cars,when you upgrade it always costs you a little more money.

Oh boy am I gonna get hammered for this one.

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:04 am

Am I totally insane? Didn't we have this conversation a few days ago? "What exactly IS "cheating?" Is it cyber-sex? Is it phone sex? Is it lust in the heart (a la dear Jimmy Carter's confession?) WHERE IS THAT CONVERSATION?:-5

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:07 am

i really can see where your coming from or is that where ya coming too

buddy most of my mates have paid for it and i really can understand why in amsterdam those women are soo good looking the only way the average guy could sleep with women like that is to pay

the thought of having sex with a woman i have paid for and that she will find me repulsive , pathetic , loser dont float my boat in fact i,d rather, rather paddle my own canoe if you know what i mean

yup my mates dont get it either when we went to Amsterdam every else dropped a few er seeds thats it seeds but i just could not bare the thought of it

and thats when i was single how any one could betray a loving partner for one of these er conveniences is beyond me

but maybe thats because i love my partner why shop for spam when you have steak at home

tatterhead i think your posts are great and i'm not knocking ya its just my point of view

Shweet tatersalad · Post by **Shweet tatersalad** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:10 am

I like too speak freely and and hope SOME ONE gets it.I will never take anything from anyone badly.We are here too speak our minds,however diffrent.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:30 am

buddy i do get what your sayin i'm in construction all the the construction workers talk all day all they talk about is sex i join in occasionally of course but every to a man would agree with ya

i mean would you buy a woman you really hate a house, a car and have kids with her be blackmailed every week just to see them of course not but if your caught cheating thats what happens

so they say what you say why take the chance if you feel randy and you want some lovin pay for it its got to be a lot less expensive and a lot less painful in the long run .. their views not mine

unless you dont cheat on your mrs and live happy ever after .. watch this space :-3

johoman · Post by **johoman** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:45 am

I think some men cheat because they have no character, some men cheat because they get little or no sex at home. If a wife refused to have sex with a husband and this goes on for a long time would the husband be cheating if he found love elsewhere. I think there is no cheating if there is no or little sex in the first place. I think women stray not so much of sex or lack thereof but unment emotional needs. If the man is not having his needs met by his wife he has a very legitmate complaint. I know some women would say "to bad he married me". Marriage is not ownership and if she doesn't change her ways then she won't even have the marriage in name only. It takes TWO contributing people to make a mariage work. Johoman

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:53 am

johoman your totaly right of course a million %

but what about the hookers and the porn

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:53 am

(I've given up on finding the earlier discussion we had on this subject...I'm obviously insane or it's been removed.)

I know a man who's married to a woman who has multiple sclerosis. She cannot be touched without having pain and the drugs she takes have caused some bad side-effects. She's been like this for over ten years and she depends on him for health insurance, since she has none of her own.

He's a man for whom sex is very important and he longs to have the physical closeness. Is it "cheating" if he seeks it from someone else?

I have another friend who is married to a woman who says sex is "disgusting." She was raised in a very religious family and it's obviously worked negatively on her sexuality. They have two daughters whom he adores.

He has cyber sex with a woman he met on the internet and has never/will never meet in real life. Is that "cheating?"

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 12:59 pm

In short, and I answered this before, "yes."

johoman · Post by **johoman** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:03 pm

(I've given up on finding the earlier discussion we had on this subject...I'm obviously insane or it's been removed.)

I know a man who's married to a woman who has multiple sclerosis. She cannot be touched without having pain and the drugs she takes have caused some bad side-effects. She's been like this for over ten years and she depends on him for health insurance, since she has none of her own.

He's a man for whom sex is very important and he longs to have the physical closeness. Is it "cheating" if he seeks it from someone else?

I have another friend who is married to a woman who says sex is "disgusting." She was raised in a very religious family and it's obviously worked negatively on her sexuality. They have two daughters whom he adores.

He has cyber sex with a woman he met on the internet and has never/will never meet in real life. Is that "cheating?"

Lulu written the above. I don't label either of these cases as cheating. Sex is the only thing that marks marriage as different than other relationships. Without sex (if that is not agreeable to BOTH parties) is not a marriage, it may be a legal union but NOT a marriage. Somewhere I seen written that a satisfactory sex life is 10% of a marriage and an unsat sex life is 90% of a marriage. Think about it.

johoman · Post by **johoman** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:14 pm

Red Glitter- How can you say it is cheating when there is no or very little intamacy in the relationship. That is putting form over content. Maybe in the case of the lady with MS if she understood and loved her husband whe would understand that he would need to fulfil his needs if he has strong needs, the other lady who was regliouly brainwashed better try and reverse it or she won't have a marriage. I don't think God intended us to be held in captive when a relationship has no love or support (yes sex-intamcy is love and support!!). Johoman

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:16 pm

Interestingly, the woman with MS told her husband to masturbate and close the door while we was doing it.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 1:36 pm

johoman wrote: I think some men cheat because they have no character, some men cheat because they get little or no sex at home. If a wife refused to have sex with a husband and this goes on for a long time would the husband be cheating if he found love elsewhere. I think there is no cheating if there is no or little sex in the first place. I think women stray not so much of sex or lack thereof but unment emotional needs. If the man is not having his needs met by his wife he has a very legitmate complaint. I know some women would say "to bad he married me". Marriage is not ownership and if she doesn't change her ways then she won't even have the marriage in name only. It takes TWO contributing people to make a mariage work. JohomanDang it! Here I was going to take Katy to task and you spew this tripe!

*stomps off to await Katy's sticking her cute little foot in her mouth again*

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:02 pm

Lulu2 wrote: Interestingly, the woman with MS told her husband to masturbate and close the door while we was doing it.

Lulu2

I think you meant to say "he"

Unless you were keeping him company . . .

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:04 pm

:wah: LOL...yes, Cher....it should've said..."while HE was doing it." I wasn't there!

(Why in BLAZES do I type without my glasses?)

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:06 pm

Lulu2 wrote: :wah: LOL...yes, Cher....it should've said..."while HE was doing it." I wasn't there!

(Why in BLAZES do I type without my glasses?)

I thought it was funnier the first way

Lulu2 · Post by **Lulu2** » Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:07 pm

It might explain the "CLOSE THE DOOR WHILE YOU ARE DOING IT" statement.