How Do You Argue ?

Beagle · Post by **Beagle** » Tue Oct 10, 2006 12:38 pm

I didn't used to argue very nicely. I was the hothead who would be quietly angry, but then the lid would pop off and everything I was thinking would spurt out. Unfortunately, my ex-husband was the same way so little progress was made on anything. I have, however, learned a lot over the years.

Currently, my fiance is the one who desperately wants to resolve things right away as they come up - whether we talk calmly or yell, he doesn't seem to mind as long as we resolve it in the end. (He is a people-pleaser and wants everyone happy.) I, on the other hand, having learned from the previous relationship, cannot discuss the issue right away after it has happened or come to light. I want time to cool down, time to think.......this drives him crazy, although my fiance deals with it much better now than he used to. When I feel that I can calmly discuss the problem, then my fiance and I will talk it through (to resolution). Although he does not prefer this method, he does recognize that this is the best way for the TWO of us to reach an amicable resolution. I also find that if I have time to think about what is bothering me or what has caused the problem, I can focus solely on the problem at hand without bringing up non-related issues that you tend to bring up if addressing things in the "heat of the moment."

I've explained to him that if we just start yelling or spouting off things, I tend to be very negative and sarcastic and that I don't want those words to be the words he remembers. Yes, I could apologize if that's the road we selected to take, but although my apology would be accepted, I know he would never forget that I had said it - in anger or not. I would rather that he not have those memories. And, likewise, I would rather not have those memories of him. I have those memories (even though somewhat faded) of my ex-husband. For me, the yelling and name-calling only seemed to chip away at our respect for each other.

Brownley · Post by **Brownley** » Tue Oct 10, 2006 4:04 pm

What an interesting thread

People never believe me when I say this, but my Partner and I never argue.

Im not sure if its because I was brought up with just a Mum, no other family.

My partner and I never seem to disagree or have heated conversations.

We just spend all our time laughing and acting like idiots.

First fun relationship Ive ever had with a man. Almost 10 years now, Im a very lucky woman!

The last argument I had with someone was a workmate at my last job. About 18 months ago. She became very heated and wouldnt listen to what I had to say.

I just sat there absolutely silent until she finished. She looked stunned.

I can't be bothered with people who think they are always right and dont listen to others opinions.

A boy along the road from us was sitting on the fence one day, I said to him "äre you ok?". He looked incredibly sad and said "oh yeah, just Mum and Dad are fighting again".

Im so grateful I never had any of that in my childhood.

EDIT: Just reread my post

Geez Im a sap :p

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 6:58 am

Brownley wrote: EDIT: Just reread my post

Geez Im a sap :p

Brownley :-4

I happen to think it is awesome :guitarist

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:31 am

Brownley wrote: What an interesting thread

People never believe me when I say this, but my Partner and I never argue.

Im not sure if its because I was brought up with just a Mum, no other family.

My partner and I never seem to disagree or have heated conversations.

We just spend all our time laughing and acting like idiots.

same story with me! :-6

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:32 am

sunny104 wrote: same story with me! :-6

That's really wonderful, Sunny and Brownley.

You are truly lucky. :-6

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:40 am

cherandbuster wrote: That's really wonderful, Sunny and Brownley.

You are truly lucky. :-6
:-4

it's just my nature though....I couldn't be with someone that wasn't like me. :-6

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:43 am

sunny104 wrote: :-4

it's just my nature though....I couldn't be with someone that wasn't like me. :-6

I can tell that you have an easygoing nature, Sunny. Brownley, who I've known for longer, strikes me to be of the same personal make-up.

My husband and I don't argue much because frankly, I won't let things get out of control. I'll say my piece, then tell him I love him and give him a kiss, and at that point . . . it's over

Life is much nicer if you can live that way :-6

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 9:59 am

Same here. Been married 27 yrs now and have had exactly 2 arguments. One over her over drawing check account and one because she thought I was being to hard on my middle son over him ( borrowing a CD ). The last one was over 10 years ago. We pretty much both do what ever it is we want to. If I dont have clean socks or underwear hell I figure I can do the washing as well as her so whats to be mad about? We just figure there isnt much reason to get mad about anything it never helps so whats the point? We actually just enjoy each other and dont worry about whos turn it is to do this or that.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 10:00 am

YZGI wrote: Same here. Been married 27 yrs now and have had exactly 2 arguments. One over her over drawing check account and one because she thought I was being to hard on my middle son over him ( borrowing a CD ). The last one was over 10 years ago. We pretty much both do what ever it is we want to. If I dont have clean socks or underwear hell I figure I can do the washing as well as her so whats to be mad about? We just figure there isnt much reason to get mad about anything it never helps so whats the point? We actually just enjoy each other and dont worry about whos turn it is to do this or that.

YZGI

It looks like you indeed are A Wise Guy :-6

Saffron · Post by **Saffron** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:28 pm

Nomad wrote: Im not a good arguer, I have to get away in the heat of the moment. I always come back later to get things resolved but I freeze up in the moment. I simply cant be there.

My mom was a drunk and she was a real warrior. Very dramatic as well. Growing up when I did something wrong (which was often) I was made to sit in a hard chair while mom ranted. She would cry, she would scream, she would be silent for an hour then start crying again followed by more screaming and blaming me for her life. This would go on for hours sometimes. Sitting in that chair while she drank and carried on for up to 4,5 or 6 hours was not uncommon.

So I understand why I react the way I do now when the occasional argument breaks out here. Fight or flight is deep in me to preserve my sanity. This infuriates my wife though. She knows Ill come back and talk, but it wont be immediately. Im not sure what Im asking for here.
Wow Nomad, so sorry to hear about your childhood trauma. Sounds a bit like my own, except that my mother acted that way, and she wasn't drunk!

It astounds me that parents seem to have no idea what kind of stress and psychological trauma they place on their own offspring. I often wonder if my parents just thought that we'd all forget everything that they did to each other in front of us. As if we have no feelings or memory (or voice). Or maybe they just figured that we'd not live to tell about it all. Wrong!:-5

Yavanna · Post by **Yavanna** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:40 pm

I'm consider myself an expert arguer ; I like to weild a bit of the old sarcasm. It's quite a turn on in a way.

Got to be better than my parents style of arguing ; their marriage has been one, long bicker which never really gets to a crescendo. That's because my father always backs down with a surly " Oh yes, blame me as usual" :rolleyes:

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 12:47 pm

sue and i have been together for over 10 years and i'm proud to say that we have had only 2 arguments one lasted 8 1/2 years we broke up and so far the other has been going on since we got back together

but on a serious not i hate to fall out i am worried it will escalate into something horrible ,so i just say i'm not arguing but sue is hot headed and passionate (the making up can be pretty cool )if i think i'm right no thing and no one can convince me i'm wrong so why argue if i think i'm wrong i don't argue end of

i think most people from abused child hoods hate to argue

it takes them back to a very unpleasant unhappy place

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Wed Oct 11, 2006 4:14 pm

Arguing in relationships? Badly I would say, maybe thats because I am a man, or an eejit, or probably both. At least I've learned that when in a relationship with a woman, its important not to actually win any argument at any time, especially when you are actually in the right. Its much better to stick to the manly duties of arguing with people who annoy your partner, enforcing her decisions on various arguments with the children, and being stupid so that you can be told what an eegit you are. Thats the way to happiness my friends.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 4:56 pm

Galbally wrote: Arguing in relationships? Badly I would say, maybe thats because I am a man, or an eejit, or probably both. At least I've learned that when in a relationship with a woman, its important not to actually win any argument at any time, especially when you are actually in the right. Its much better to stick to the manly duties of arguing with people who annoy your partner, enforcing her decisions on various arguments with the children, and being stupid so that you can be told what an eegit you are. Thats the way to happiness my friends.

I thought so ! I didnt want to be the 1st eegit to bring it up though. Thanks !

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:26 pm

Nomad

Life is short - Live Hard!! - How did everything work out?

Did you ever write a letter or did you talk lifes problems out.??

Patsy

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:28 pm

Nomad wrote: I thought so ! I didnt want to be the 1st eegit to bring it up though. Thanks !

Thank you Nomad your support has been gratefully recieved, and probably also noted by the women so expect some degrogatory comments.

p.s. "eejit", (its more a j sound that a g sound) is what you get when an Irish person trys to say "Idiot", I quite like it, it sounds right somehow.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:42 pm

honestly, i am bad about just agreeing when i really dont and then making you regret it later. i will say what i think two or three times and then say you know what, you are totally correct. what was i thinking...........)it means i am going to make you wish you weren't born later):D

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 5:48 pm

guppy wrote: honestly, i am bad about just agreeing when i really dont and then making you regret it later. i will say what i think two or three times and then say you know what, you are totally correct. what was i thinking...........)it means i am going to make you wish you weren't born later):D

That sounds suspiciously like an ex-girlfriend of mine, no hold on, all of them.

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Thu Oct 12, 2006 6:25 pm

Guppy

I'll do the same - I'll just say ok your right - I won't have a spitting match over some trivial b.s.. One way or another they pay for it, and it all works out.

Happy- Happy- Happy...

Patsy

OzBoy · Post by **OzBoy** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 2:59 am

I too love good old sarcasam, I can cut someone down to nothing in one simple sentence - if you're asking for it of course! I also have a bad habit of bringing up things from the past to prove a point. Otherwise being a Sagattarius the foot and mouth thing is never far off so the first reactive thought usually comes out like instantly which isnt always a good thing let me tel ya!!! But I do believe in dealing with it there and then, festering on an issue turns the situation ugly more often then not.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Fri Oct 13, 2006 11:23 pm

Patsy Warnick wrote: Nomad

Life is short - Live Hard!! - How did everything work out?

Did you ever write a letter or did you talk lifes problems out.??

Patsy

She succumbed to the powers of my manliness and I once again rule the kingdom.

I hid her furry slippers.

ARgi · Post by **ARgi** » Sat Oct 14, 2006 1:26 pm

Nomad wrote: She succumbed to the powers of my manliness and I once again rule the kingdom.

I hid her furry slippers.

honestly, the woman wants to succumb to your maliness deep down...but it has to be her idea of manliness :p

ARgi · Post by **ARgi** » Sat Oct 14, 2006 1:28 pm

when i argue...i'm never the one to start it. if i'm yelled at i tell the person i will not discuss anything with them if they yell at me. i can't stand yelling at all. i usually try to listen as well as i can first -then tell them how i feel...

but the occasional sarcastic remark is only human :sneaky:

BruiserKC · Post by **BruiserKC** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 7:32 pm

I hate arguing unless I have my head clear and can look at a situation objectively. My mother would argue with my dad and follow him all over the house. She'd probably have followed him down the street if she wanted.

As for me...if my wife is wound for sound...I usually take a step back. I know I have a fairly explosive temper and don't want to say anything I'm going to regret. So the first time I had a situation like that, I told her I'm leaving the house for a little while and will be back. It made her mad, but when I explained to her if I stayed I was going to say something very hurtful most likely. I come back, we talk, and it's over.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 7:36 pm

BruiserKC;443752 wrote: I hate arguing unless I have my head clear and can look at a situation objectively. My mother would argue with my dad and follow him all over the house. She'd probably have followed him down the street if she wanted.

As for me...if my wife is wound for sound...I usually take a step back. I know I have a fairly explosive temper and don't want to say anything I'm going to regret. So the first time I had a situation like that, I told her I'm leaving the house for a little while and will be back. It made her mad, but when I explained to her if I stayed I was going to say something very hurtful most likely. I come back, we talk, and it's over.

Thats the way to do it.

G-man · Post by **G-man** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 9:13 pm

I'm just like Argi, here... I don't argue and I don't acknowledge anyone who raises their voice to me. Debate is fine, however... I can debate with the best of them.

Richard Bell · Post by **Richard Bell** » Sat Oct 28, 2006 11:56 pm

Nomad;422720 wrote: Im not a good arguer

Sounds like you could use the services of the Argument Clinic.

Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 12:21 am

I hate arguing. I'm supposed to be ready to fight at all times if you believe in that Aries war god thing and I *can;" I have the gift of words and precise targeting but the other part of me is a big fat marshmallow. I can't stand to hurt people's feelings. Even if I'm mad enough to score my point, I will feel bad for wounding them. i have a knack for saying things wrong and second-guessing myself for it and if I think I've said something that upset someone, I will immediately apologize. I can't handle someone being angry with me.

It's not always the same in every case. Certain people can **** me off but I will be afraid to tell them so I suck it down and it comes out in other less direct ways. I'd go on but I don't like to be so open about my anger problem. It was learned, but that's not the point. I'm an adult now, so I blame myself. I'm also bipolar and that has had much to do with it. It's caused me and my loved ones a great deal of pain. Let's just say my arguing style could use work.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 1:33 am

the only times i get involved in arguments are usually alcohol induced, i once spent a couple of hours arguing a point with a friend about of all things 'brand of salon products, which is best'

next day both of us were wondering what the hell we had got so het up about as we dont stock either product

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:49 am

buttercup;443876 wrote: the only times i get involved in arguments are usually alcohol induced, i once spent a couple of hours arguing a point with a friend about of all things 'brand of salon products, which is best'

next day both of us were wondering what the hell we had got so het up about as we dont stock either product

Dont even get me started girly.

jana fraser · Post by **jana fraser** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 8:07 am

I am a slow burn and only advantage to that is while im slowly burning I'm collecting and cateloguing my points , then when it comes to an argument, I'm prepared ) I really hate confrontation and at work lately there has been far too much of it. If at the end of the day we can put our points across and no feelings get damaged (big challenge there) then a good debate or discussion BEFORE it becomes an argument is best.

I remember when going for counselling BEFORE I got married (through our church) one of the things that our minister told us to do was to sit down, be it daily or weekly to discuss openly with one another what we liked /disliked about one another and our relationship. Umm....can't say that we ever did that. Wonder if it would have helped! Probably

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 8:13 am

RedGlitter;443838 wrote: I hate arguing. I'm supposed to be ready to fight at all times if you believe in that Aries war god thing and I *can;" I have the gift of words and precise targeting but the other part of me is a big fat marshmallow. I can't stand to hurt people's feelings. Even if I'm mad enough to score my point, I will feel bad for wounding them. i have a knack for saying things wrong and second-guessing myself for it and if I think I've said something that upset someone, I will immediately apologize. I can't handle someone being angry with me.

It's not always the same in every case. Certain people can **** me off but I will be afraid to tell them so I suck it down and it comes out in other less direct ways. I'd go on but I don't like to be so open about my anger problem. It was learned, but that's not the point. I'm an adult now, so I blame myself. I'm also bipolar and that has had much to do with it. It's caused me and my loved ones a great deal of pain. Let's just say my arguing style could use work.

We have a lot in common.

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:55 am

Nomad;444120 wrote: We have a lot in common.
What's that supposed to mean?!? I'm reporting that.

((( ADMIN! )))

along-for-the-ride · Post by **along-for-the-ride** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:14 am

I don't like confrontations, but I also don't hold grudges.

I have learned to wait, listen, think about the issue for awhile, and then respond with my thoughts or opinions.

But I also, sometimes, have a tendency to "respond in kind." If someone comes to me with an offensive approach, I'll look at them in the eye and give 'em one right back. This is easy when I don't like the person to begin with.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:20 am

Accountable;444211 wrote: What's that supposed to mean?!? I'm reporting that.

((( ADMIN! )))

:wah: You guys!!!

Yep, Nomad, I've noticed that too.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Sun Oct 29, 2006 10:24 am

Going through check-in recently we were asked if we were carring anything sharp or pointed , to which he replyed ...only her tongue .

:rolleyes:

Yes i do have a foul temper and i always win

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 12:11 pm

pantsonfire321@aol.com;444243 wrote: Going through check-in recently we were asked if we were carring anything sharp or pointed , to which he replyed ...only her tongue .

:rolleyes:

Yes i do have a foul temper and i always win

reminder for guppy; dont argue with pants.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 2:35 pm

Nomad;444109 wrote: Dont even get me started girly.

i had no idea you knew about salon products, would you like to state you point?

matrix - http://www.matrix.com/

wella - http://www.wella.co.uk/

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:05 pm

buttercup;444513 wrote: i had no idea you knew about salon products, would you like to state you point?

matrix - http://www.matrix.com/

wella - http://www.wella.co.uk/

Thats it ! :-5 Put em up...

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 4:11 pm

sweet talker you :-4

Accountable · Post by **Accountable** » Sun Oct 29, 2006 6:13 pm

pantsonfire321@aol.com;444243 wrote: Yes i do have a foul temper and i always win

No you don't.

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:47 pm

Accountable;444757 wrote: No you don't.

Are you mocking me ?

:-3

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 1:49 pm

jim is wonderfull why would i argue with such a handsome stud :-4

AussiePam · Post by **AussiePam** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 2:04 pm

Nomad;422720 wrote: Im not a good arguer, I have to get away in the heat of the moment. I always come back later to get things resolved but I freeze up in the moment. I simply cant be there.

My mom was a drunk and she was a real warrior. Very dramatic as well. Growing up when I did something wrong (which was often) I was made to sit in a hard chair while mom ranted. She would cry, she would scream, she would be silent for an hour then start crying again followed by more screaming and blaming me for her life. This would go on for hours sometimes. Sitting in that chair while she drank and carried on for up to 4,5 or 6 hours was not uncommon.

So I understand why I react the way I do now when the occasional argument breaks out here. Fight or flight is deep in me to preserve my sanity. This infuriates my wife though. She knows Ill come back and talk, but it wont be immediately. Im not sure what Im asking for here.

I can hardly bear to read that, Nomie. Too close to home. Sheesh.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 3:01 pm

I only argue with people who dumber than me, That way I usually win. Not that I ever get into any arguments.:-2

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 3:05 pm

YZGI;445384 wrote: I only argue with people who dumber than me

YZGI

Must be hard to find a sparring partner then

:-4

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Mon Oct 30, 2006 3:06 pm

cherandbuster;445386 wrote: YZGI

Must be hard to find a sparring partner then

:-4

Why do you think I hardly ever argue?