Isolation

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 5:50 am

I just realised how isolated I had been with my ex. I had a difficult time coming up with any friends who had known me for two years. (for a job application) Bearing in mind I had lived in the same place for 13 years! I'm not a shy person. True, I may be a bit reclusive at times, but hell!

I have had to rely on my net buddies for this. I just aquired my first computer about three years ago. My two best friends are from a previous forum we were all on. One came to my wedding.

I hadnt realised what a sad situation I was in. I have got more friends here, in the UK, in just 18 months, than I did in the whole 13 years I was in Norfolk Virginia! It's not a very nice thing to realise.

How do we let this happen to ourselves? It's just something that disturbed me.

I think this isolation that I was in, real or perceived, went along way to contribute to the conviction that noone would notice or even care if I wasnt around anymore. It's the worst depression I have ever been in, in all my life. It almost sent me driving off the chesapeake bridge tunnel. But I drove home instead. Now my life is totally opposite. I'm loved and cherished, and I have people to call friends.

What I'm still trying to work out, is how the heck my life got that dark in the first place?

Peg · Post by **Peg** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 6:51 am

I know with my ex, it was a control thing. The less friends I had, the safer he felt. He felt I couldn't leave him without the help of friends. I think sometimes, when we find someone, we are so wrapped up in them we tend to push our friends aside also. It's wonderful to have a relationship, and still have your friends. Don't dwell on the past. Celebrate the life you now have :-6

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 7:04 am

Peg wrote: I know with my ex, it was a control thing. The less friends I had, the safer he felt. He felt I couldn't leave him without the help of friends. I think sometimes, when we find someone, we are so wrapped up in them we tend to push our friends aside also. It's wonderful to have a relationship, and still have your friends. Don't dwell on the past. Celebrate the life you now have :-6

The life I have now, is all that matters. I just dont want to ever find myself in that dark place again. :yh_flower

A Karenina · Post by **A Karenina** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 9:18 am

Raven wrote: The life I have now, is all that matters. I just dont want to ever find myself in that dark place again. :yh_flower
:-6 Well said.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...but having been there already, you will recognize the darkness if it tries to creep back into your life. You live in sunshine now, you will distinguish between the light and the shadows. And you'll run like hell from anything or anyone that tries to bring that darkness back. Have faith in yourself.

Lesson learned, never to be forgotten. Right?

minks · Post by **minks** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 10:04 am

Desperate situations put us into desperate moods. Sweetie, you were in that dark hell because you were stripped of your good feelings and slowly led down the bath of darkness. Fortunately you had the where with all to get yourself turned around and that is all that counts. You are smart, and brave and happy and heading for a far better place and be proud of what you have accomplished. I doubt you will ever get that low again because you learned way to much along the way to fall for it again. And you ar loved by some great people and they won't allow it

Post by **kensloft** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 8:02 pm

Aren't computers great?

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 3:41 am

A Karenina wrote: :-6 Well said.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...but having been there already, you will recognize the darkness if it tries to creep back into your life. You live in sunshine now, you will distinguish between the light and the shadows. And you'll run like hell from anything or anyone that tries to bring that darkness back. Have faith in yourself.

Lesson learned, never to be forgotten. Right? You better believe it! It's almost shameful, that as a health care worker, I fell into that trap of domestic violence anyway. Just goes to show, it can happen to anybody. When you allow someone to steal your self worth from you, then it begins. But now that I'm in the free air again, I realise how easy it is to fall into it.

Never again. :yh_flower

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 3:45 am

minks wrote: Desperate situations put us into desperate moods. Sweetie, you were in that dark hell because you were stripped of your good feelings and slowly led down the bath of darkness. Fortunately you had the where with all to get yourself turned around and that is all that counts. You are smart, and brave and happy and heading for a far better place and be proud of what you have accomplished. I doubt you will ever get that low again because you learned way to much along the way to fall for it again. And you ar loved by some great people and they won't allow it

Boy, dont I know it! LOL!! And let me tell you, I'm grateful! :-4

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 3:50 am

archergirl wrote: Wow, that was profound! I've never heard it before, but I like it and it is just so true.

Raven, thanks for sharing your feelings. I think the fact that you've turned around, goes to show that you are strong and able to avoid that dark place if it ever shows itself again!
The one thing I've found about the human spirit, is that it's amazingly resilient! It weathers all sorts of storms!

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 4:00 am

kensloft wrote: Aren't computers great?

It was my lifeline. It literally saved my life. And considering what I previously thought about internet relationships, well it's a total about-face! I've found my soul-mate, and made such incredible friendships, that I had never thought possible. So in short........LOL! Computers are FABULOUS!!! :driving:

Post by **kensloft** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 5:35 am

Raven wrote: It was my lifeline. It literally saved my life. And considering what I previously thought about internet relationships, well it's a total about-face! I've found my soul-mate, and made such incredible friendships, that I had never thought possible. So in short........LOL! Computers are FABULOUS!!! :driving:
Can hardly wait until everyone owns one. :-6

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:46 am

Situations like the one you were in..happen very slowly. Nine years ago I left New York city, to live in rural Virginia. I was always an extremely outgoing person. The same thing happened to me. I was living with someone who would go nuts if I made a friend. He wasnt only jealous of friends. He was jealous of my children and also of any accomplishments I had. Its wonderful that you got free and arent living that way anymore. As everyone has said. Once youve lived it , you wont let it happen again. I told you about me so that you will know it can happen to anyone. Bravo!!! Im happy for you. Enjoy your new life.

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 9:28 am

LOL! yep, I'm a long way away from virginia. The funny thing was, I had determined within myself I was going it alone. I was just going to get on with my career, and live for myself. I was proceeding to do just that, when lo and behold.......I heard an 'ello! LOL! That was the start of the rest of my life! Best thing I ever did was answer that greeting. My husband found me right as I was picking myself back up. :-6

Post by **kensloft** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 3:33 pm

StelZ wrote: Raven, jsut read your story and I can empathise with you fully.

My ex g/f was so possesive and jealous - my whole life felt like it was being sucked dry. I was worried she'd kill herself too if I told her to leave.. It pains me to think of it now but..

In 2001 I bought a 2nd hand laptop for my college studies.

At the same time I signed up with AOL, and we would both take it in turns to surf the net.

We both soon discovered chat rooms. 3 months later she left to go live with someone she met online!!

I also became friends with someone online.

A year later KAz and I were engaged and we've lived together ever since. :-4
Woo-Hoo!!!

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:03 pm

Raven wrote: The one thing I've found about the human spirit, is that it's amazingly resilient! It weathers all sorts of storms!

resiliant inteed but you gotta have the strength within yourself to get outta the darkness, so many people can't or won't do it and I feel so sorry for them. ALthough I don't believe in "him" I like the term, "God helps those who help themselves"

minks · Post by **minks** » Sun Feb 27, 2005 6:06 pm

StelZ wrote: Raven, jsut read your story and I can empathise with you fully.

My ex g/f was so possesive and jealous - my whole life felt like it was being sucked dry. I was worried she'd kill herself too if I told her to leave.. It pains me to think of it now but..

In 2001 I bought a 2nd hand laptop for my college studies.

At the same time I signed up with AOL, and we would both take it in turns to surf the net.

We both soon discovered chat rooms. 3 months later she left to go live with someone she met online!!

I also became friends with someone online.

A year later KAz and I were engaged and we've lived together ever since. :-4

holy cow you guys we could have a whole thread on life changes and our successes on the net. Amazing. I am happy to hear of others who have met their partners online. And to hear of your stories of getting yourselves back on your feet and finding a way to get out of lifes' nasty ruts. I too met my current partner on the net. We are fast approaching our 1 year of dating kinda cool really

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 12:02 pm

StelZ wrote: Raven, jsut read your story and I can empathise with you fully.

My ex g/f was so possesive and jealous - my whole life felt like it was being sucked dry. I was worried she'd kill herself too if I told her to leave.. It pains me to think of it now but..

In 2001 I bought a 2nd hand laptop for my college studies.

At the same time I signed up with AOL, and we would both take it in turns to surf the net.

We both soon discovered chat rooms. 3 months later she left to go live with someone she met online!!

I also became friends with someone online.

A year later KAz and I were engaged and we've lived together ever since. :-4
That is sooooooo COOL! (sorry about the antiquated terminology, but I'm a hippy, what do ya expect? :yh_bigsmi )

Y'know, even my mother noticed the change in me. She said something like 'how hard and cold I looked' before I left for England, then when I flew back for a week, right before we got married, she said 'all the laughter in her house was amazing' She said she'd not seen me that happy in a very long time. She knew it was my voodoo's doing. But you know when you're really loved. It cant help but show on the outside. :-6

auntdenise · Post by **auntdenise** » Thu Mar 17, 2005 4:59 pm

I understand your dark place, I am currently fighting with it myself. I have recently learned that my beloved little sister and my husband of 12 years are in love. In my blind hurt I left my home, job, and any life that I may have had. I now reside in a strange city all alone without a single friend. I can't even seem to find a smile to make any. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone again, let alone call them friend. :-1

Post by **kensloft** » Thu Mar 17, 2005 5:40 pm

auntdenise wrote: I understand your dark place, I am currently fighting with it myself. I have recently learned that my beloved little sister and my husband of 12 years are in love. In my blind hurt I left my home, job, and any life that I may have had. I now reside in a strange city all alone without a single friend. I can't even seem to find a smile to make any. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone again, let alone call them friend. :-1
Welcome to the garden. Where ideas and ethics bloom and grow. Happy posting. Glad you found us. One heck of a hit but don't despair they'll have to live with themselves for the rest of their lives (or until they separate).

New city, new life and you didn't do anything wrong. Enjoy. You'll meet people, get a better job and have a better time.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:17 am

auntdenise wrote: I understand your dark place, I am currently fighting with it myself. I have recently learned that my beloved little sister and my husband of 12 years are in love. In my blind hurt I left my home, job, and any life that I may have had. I now reside in a strange city all alone without a single friend. I can't even seem to find a smile to make any. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone again, let alone call them friend. :-1
Yours is one of the most painful situations any human could evere be asked yo bear. Very very sad. There is a reason for everything. Once you survive working through the terrible pain and dissapointment of this , you will be an incredibly changed person. I have lived long enough to feel certain that the awful times coming up for your sister and her husband, will probobly destroy both of them.

Please get the book Ladder of years, by Anne Tyler. You are living the circumstances of the main character. Since life is merely a serious of hurdles to overcome...you will find eventually that you have been put in a position to live a tremendous adventure. Dont expect to be able to smile for a long time thats normal. Once you are smiling again, and you will.. it will feel wonderful.

auntdenise · Post by **auntdenise** » Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:30 pm

Thank you so much for the kind words. I can't tell you how much they mean to me now. I'll definately read your suggested book, maybe it will give me some understanding.

Raven · Post by **Raven** » Sat Mar 19, 2005 1:15 am

auntdenise wrote: I understand your dark place, I am currently fighting with it myself. I have recently learned that my beloved little sister and my husband of 12 years are in love. In my blind hurt I left my home, job, and any life that I may have had. I now reside in a strange city all alone without a single friend. I can't even seem to find a smile to make any. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust anyone again, let alone call them friend. :-1
Something like that happened to me once.

Same ingredients, betrayel.

It sent me on the longest road trip of my life! I felt the need to put as much distance between me and him as possible, so I packed up my car, collected my paychecks and drove until I ran out of gas. That was from Indiana, to Phoenix Arizona. I didnt know a soul. So I did what seemed good at the time, I got a job in the diner where I was sitting, working at night. During the day, I slept by the pool of the hotel that was next door. I made a few friends. One let me rent a room in his trailer. I ended up working my way through college, and becoming a respiratory therapist. That was 18 years ago. It turned out to be the best thing I had ever done in my life. (up to now) Now I'm in England, with a wonderful husband, working my way through college to become a respiratory nurse! All I can say, is life is funny. But getting away from the initial problem, seemed to help me. It brought up so many other things that I had to work out in the immediate sense, that it left me no time to dwell on what drove me there.

You do have friends and support. I understand whats hurting you. But you CAN get through this. I have another friend who has gone through something like this too. Feel free to e-mail me anytime. Theres strength in numbers. Trust me, you'll learn to smile again! :yh_flower

auntdenise · Post by **auntdenise** » Sun Mar 20, 2005 6:50 am

Serendipity, I understand the isolation that you refer to. I have always been a loner by choice, finding comfort in my own company. The peace I found within myself came from the security of knowing who I was and not needing other people to confirm it. The isolation that I feel now is different. I feel so isolated because my sense of all that I was so secure in has been crushed. There is no peace in forced solitude.