O'Toole walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the
Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what O'Toole had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
*******************************************************
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and
wandered around the terminal
with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him
if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
***********************************************
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub
having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the
Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus,
were stumbling home from the pub late one night and
found themselves on the road which led
past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy,
"It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out,
"Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit,
awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
Ole Mulvihill just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
There's no paper on this side either."
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'
*************************************************
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Cars :driving:
