I intend to learn from this year, since it's my 11th as a teacher and that means I have made it farther than 80% of all teachers serving in the front lines in the U.S. (Typical career life expectancy for a teacher is 3 years.)
Here are a few things I am going to change next year:
1. I will no longer wear a monacle and a pointy Kaiser helmet to class while carrying a riding crop.
2. I will not thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 401" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. No longer will I gradually speak softer and softer...and then suddenly ask a student, "WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!!!"
4. I will stop delivering my lectures while wearing mirrored sunglases and speaking only in Turkish.
5, I will not time student responses with a stopwatch and record the grade while muttering "Tsk. Tsk"
6. I will not show videos of medievel torture implements to my Calculus classes while giggling quietly in the corner.
7. I will not ask the students to read "Jenkins through Johnson" in the local phone book, nor will I vaguely imply that there will be a quiz on it later.
8. Students will no longer have to sprinkle rose petals in front of me when I enter a building.
9. "Worm" is not a correct way of addressing students, I will stop using it.
10. I will stop announcing that the entire grade in my class is based on a single-question oral final exam, nor will I imply that this could happen at any any moment.
11. I will no longer force students to fill out waivers while lighting a blowtorch, putting on a lead apron, and asking for volunteers.
12. pointing the overhead projector at the class and demanding their names, ranks, and serial numbers is wrong. I will stop.
13. I will not wear a virtual reality helmet and gloves to class, turn to students that ask questions and make throttling gestures with my hands.
14. I will not make anymore off-hand comments about wearing runbber underwear.
15. Wearing an eyepatch, growling "Aaarrr" and calling students, "mately" is a bad thing. I will stop doing that.
16. I will stop announcing that last year's students have almost finished their projects. This seems to impact self-esteem.
17. I really should stop telling my students to do their homework in base 11, using a symbol I invented and named after myself, for the number 10. Also, I will not threaten to fail them if they don't use it.
18. This year, I brought in a CPR dummy, gave it an office, and assigned it office hours. Then I announced it would be the teaching asisstant. I'm resolving not to do this next year.
19. I wll no longer refer to students that died while taking my class.
20. and finally...I will stop jogging into class, ripping the textbook in half, and screaming, 'ARE YOU PUMPED?!!! I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!!!!!!
