Cameron might pull it off, for reasons that this post will explain.
The Conservative Party now say they want to make themselves electable.
I suppose that means they'll do anything to get back in. To be electable is to appear to be just the thing everybody wants. In the event it can all be fudged by spin doctors, you don't really have to do what was promised. 'New Labour' was a masterstroke, consigning cloth caps, whippets and tin baths to history. They then swept to power on a pink tide of discarded hunting jackets. But the hunters are still tally-hoing like billy-ho. If New Labour had said 'For ten years at least, animals can still be hunted to death.' I doubt if they would have been elected. So the 'New Tories', as they may decide to call themselves, if they get in power again, will not make Lords and Peers into double-glazing canvassers, or turn the Atheneum into a Re-Hab Centre, no matter what they say to make themselves 'electable.'
The main thing the Tories have got to do nowadays, or any Political Party for that matter, is to get themselves a leader you can shag. I mean of course according to your sex and sexual proclivities. I can see that women could shag Mr Blair. I think if I was a woman I would give him a go. We have such basic instincts that, though we may not admit it, we view everything with a sexual gloss, even politics. I can also see that if I was a woman I could shag Mr Cameron. The electorate, with its attention span of about 8 seconds, is not absorbed by a complicated fiscal policy involving VAT on safety pins and off-course betting on greyhounds, which will reduce income tax by about a penny in three and a half years. What's a penny when fags are about five quid? No. Could we shag them? That's the thing.
Political partners are of some importance. If you are of the same sex as the candidate, after doing the hypothetical exercise of their shaggability if you were the opposite sex, you look at their partner. This is why Samantha Cameron, being crumpet, apparently mute though, has a positive effect on his chances, possibly not enough to change the outcome. It is also a fact that Mrs Blair is OK, pretty neat and slim and a barrister, very aphrodisiacal that legal power.
In future this post will become dated, simply substitute current names, the theory will remain true. If it becomes dated enough the Lib-Dems will be the Government. They are coming on so well now because they are a bit sexy. There's a touch of Hippy, free love and split ends, without being grubby. They are also a bit green, lentils and yoga, heightened sensibilities and no bra. Lib-Dems also tend to be younger than the others, which is vital in the sex elections. In contrast the picture conjured up by the two main parties a few years back is not erotic. For example, Tories.... Bernard Ingham, Margaret Thatcher, etc. Not forgetting Ted Heath. Irascible and tottery, he's got those lovely yachts and I bet he never put them to the proper purpose, i.e. once aboard the lugger and the girls mine. The Labour image, which 'New Labour' has shrewdly got rid of, was coal grime and a spotty back in the tin bath in front of a smoky fire, on a peg rug in a tiny dark room. Nobody was going to vote to be like that. Other images were of cocky grousers destroying the car industry, or demonstrators who didn't want armed forces, nuclear weapons, or work.
A great advantage of being 'shaggable' is that history doesn't matter much. Scandal can destroy the unattractive once and for all, but those you could shag, Mandelson and Portillo for example, keep bobbing back from double-dealing which would have sunk the dead ugly without trace.
It looks as if Mr Portillo will never go away. Wavy hair, tallish, bit craggy, take all that in in 8 seconds, tick the shag box, and he will be a success. His opposition may have been Anne Widdecombe, cross between Furby and a Spacehopper. I'm afraid she is not shaggable, under any circumstances, and would bury the Tories without trace. There are other Tory candidates who seem to be a bit opaque, like unexciting bank managers viewed through fog. The only chance for the Conservatives in the Basic Instinct Election was the Portuguese Mt Portillo.
He might not have beaten Mr Blair though, as their personal attractions are pretty similar, with Portilliano gaining a little in ruggedness, and losing a little in size of nose. He would beat the rest of the New Labour front bench with one exception. Chancellor Brown walks a bit funny and has something odd about the teeth when speaking. Deputy Prescott has a permanent stocking mask. Mr Cooke was a bit Starey. Jack Straw might not strip well. Mandelson was the only competitor if Tony had lost his teeth or hair. He is a bit touchy, dark and wavy hair, funny name as well. It is on such things that our destiny now rests.
Peter
