If you have someone.....

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:19 am

If you have someone to share your problems with, be very grateful. Just for today, focus in on that blessing alone. Someone whose shoulder you can put your head on... a hand to squeeze. a smile or laugh to share. I have evolved into being a very tough person. I had to become that way in order to survive.

This morning, I feel like my shoulders have been stiff for years and years. I have issues I want to discuss. Ideas I want to share. I want to be able to " Drop the load" for a day or two, and have a helpmate here. to carry it for me, so I can have a rest. There isnt anyone to do that. I am tired of trying to live up to my supposed potential. I just want to BE for a while. This all came into focus because my big pressure for today was to complete a resume for yet another position that would perhaps define who I am, and provide some job security. Well, Ill tell you what...I dont want to fill out the friggin application, and I dont want to submit a resume for some group of people to gawk at , and determine whether or not Im worth anything to them. I want to be a pot smoker... I want to listen to music all day.. I want to paint a picture, make a collage, bake a pie with a beautiful crust... I want to roam the world, with a back pack, and be thrilled by every breath taking sight there is to be seen. I came here, this morning to share the way I feel with all of you... after a lifetime of loving, and being responsible I dont have anywhere else to go to. And so, once again, my friends and acquaintances, and people I dont even know..... Be very grateful, just for today, for whoever you have in your life, to go to, and put your head on their shoulder, squeeze their hand, share a smile........................................................

Mustang · Post by **Mustang** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 6:50 am

I feel very grateful and blessed to have someone in my life that I wake up with, share the days events with and go to sleep with, not just for today, but everyday. We take it one day at a time and enjoy every precious minute we share together, making the most of them.

Hugs to you weeder for starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling this morning. :yh_hugs I so hope for you, that the things you want to do, will become more for you than just a want list of things to accomplish.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:24 am

I have a problem :yh_sigh

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I'm broke!

Can anyone help me out with that? :wah: :yh_money :yh_whistl

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weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:24 am

It was, of all things, the sweet strains of violin music, that I heard last week, that prodded my mind to remember, things I used to feel. Long masked, covered up and gone, because of the callouses formed from years and years of meaningless tasks, void of joy, satisfaction, and meaning. I used to love the violin and the flute. The discovery of feelings I thought were long gone, brought up a yearning for other parts of myself that I have forgotten. Incident number two was hearing the sound of my own, cynical, critical voice ridiculing some male, or another I spyed at work. Who is this stranger who once drawn and intrigued,by all kinds of men? Men in crisp dress shirts, wearing artistic ties... the faint whisp of expensive cologne? Men in jeans, boots, and leather jackets with a hint of stubble, working outdoors... Ah, I tell myself, you are cynical, and critical and wise, because you are so very, very capable, and have proven you can go it alone. I would have given anything, this morning to have a companion to talk to. I have taken on a suit of armour. This suit has protected me from harm. It has also blocked out beautiful music, the smell of sweet grass, the feel of skin touching skin. I have been unable to see the crinkles at the sides of someones eyes, or to hear a calming and reasonable voice trying to connect with me. I am not submitting the resume. I am not in a stable state of mind to do so. I am going to relax my shoulders today, work on slowly dismantleing the suit of armour. I am going to find the person I used to be. Then, I will take it from there. ( I was only kidding about the pot smoking. I think it meant trying to find a way to relax and be irresponsible. Just in case that goverment drug agency is reading my posts. What is it? The DEA, DDD

DMV?????? hahhaha Good Im laughing.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 7:37 am

Life is short and hard and we all need someone to talk to in my experience. I am lucky that I have some good people that I can be really honest with, and they with me, and thats all I need really.

Oh and like Synder, some hard currency is always a bonus. :wah:

chonsigirl · Post by **chonsigirl** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:03 pm

Very eloquent posts, weeder. It is hard when the protective layers have been built up, to release them and regain those feelings. I am glad it was the strains of violin music that helped, it is soothing to listen to lovely music.

I hope you regain what you are looking for. :-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:11 pm

Weeder, when I read your first post, thought it might be possible for someone to read my mind and get it on the internet!! WOW...exactly how I feel alot...

I've been carrying the load by myself for so long, I'm getting so tired...I was at the place you were about filling out the job application 3 months ago...I had a hard time getting out of the bed...I understand completely, and even if you weren't joking about smoking pot, because you are afraid of the DMV...:wah: --I understand that too!!

Glad you shared today...and I am here for you for a Cyber hug anytime you need it!!

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Thu Jan 18, 2007 4:51 pm

Thank You for the reply everyone. This morning, I felt like the floor was falling out from under me... But I never want to be heard as whining or feeling sorry for myself. I am very, very grateful that I was given the coping mechanisms and the strength to come this far in life. Life that is very difficult for all of us, in one way or another. I have always been very introspective, even as a child. I think what I am always trying to do, is to get a flow of sharing going. It seems that up until recently, I was always a member of some sort of womens group or another. I dont have that here in Virginia. I think that solitude is a good thing. But when it goes on and on, it starts to get to you. Your all wonderful. I appreciate your ears and your kindness always. Weeder