Getting copies of text messages?

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:24 am

Hi All

I've posted quite a long thread in Relationships "How do you get over an affair". Basically, my husband has had an affair but started up another 'friendship' with another girl last July whom he texted and rang rather a lot! Suspicious does not cover it!

I am posting here to see if anyone knows if I can get help with getting a print out of the text messages he sent from this Orange Pay as you Go phone? He registered it last July and says he only had it 4 weeks. I know the a/c number, mobile number, pin number etc.

Does anyone know if this information is accessible?

Please help if so, I am losing my mind.

Thank you

FGC

x

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:28 am

you are torturing yourself! stop! you don't need to read all that crap, you KNOW!. PM me. talk to someone. forget the details, he's a piece of crap and you are hurting.

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:31 am

I don't think that's fair, don't be so hard on me.

I don't want to torture myself, I simply want to give my marriage the best chance I can before I make my decision to rip my son out of his dad's life and start over on my own after 12 years!

The text messages MAY reveal he was simply friends with this girl and if so, I can keep working at my marriage. If not, I KNOW I've made the right decision and won't have based my decision on a hunch.

FGC

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:32 am

don't mean to be hard on you. i am pretty blunt. best wishes, i hope you will be OK. but he wasn't messaging about the weather. and you know that.

devist8me · Post by **devist8me** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:37 am

Good point LC. I think you want more confirmation for what you already know. Go with your gut is telling you. No reason to put yourself through every little detail of reading text messages.

Just my opinion though. I know you can go through phone company's to get text messaging records, but I think your name needs to be on the account.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 7:59 am

FGChatter wrote: I don't think that's fair, don't be so hard on me.

We're sorry, sweetie. Actually, it's not us...it's you. You are being incomprehensibly hard on yourself.

I don't want to torture myself, I simply want to give my marriage the best chance I can

You've done that already, your husband broke your trust. So you gave him another chance. He broke it again. I'm a guy and I can tell you exactly what's on his mind...and it isn't you or your welfare at all. If you were his priority in life, he would never have purchased that cell phone behind your back.

He's shown time and again that he not only can't be trusted, he doesn't give a damn about you, your son, or your feelings. Surely he knows how you feel, yes? Yet, he doesn't change. That's because he doesn't want to. He will continue to take advantage of your trust and good graces for as long as he can.

You are co-dependent, unfortunately, and you keep denying what everyone here is telling you. Despite the fact the there is a wealth of experience on this board, many posters of which have actually been in your shoes. I'm one of them.

I caught my wife in bed with another guy. (Nearly killed him too, thank God I didn't.) Just like you, I refused to give up. Perhaps because I thought I had caused it, perhaps because it hurt my ego to find that I had actually failed at a relationship. No one wnts to think they are a bad person, or unattractive.

But that's all crap. it's not you, just as it wasn't me, that has the problem here. You are a good person and you deserve better. I didn't find the right girl for 13 lonely years after that, but she finally came along and the happiness I have now is unbelieveably satisfying. I could never have had the life I truly wanted, if I hadn't finally signed the divorce papers. (And I held out for a year, too)

before I make my decision to rip my son out of his dad's life and start over on my own after 12 years!

Are you listening to yourself? It's not indecision that's holding you back. It's fear. Fear of going out on your own. I did it. Minks did it. Lots of people have done it and you can too. You'll be happier, believe me. No more games, no more lies, no more deceptions, no more intrigue, no worry, no fear, no pain, no heartbreak....instead sweetness and happiness. Life as it's meant to be lived.

The text messages MAY reveal he was simply friends with this girl and if so, I can keep working at my marriage. If not, I KNOW I've made the right decision and won't have based my decision on a hunch.

What hunch? He's cheated on you already...by his own admission. Whether you are able to face it or not, it was over on that day. Right then.

It's so sad for me to see you this way. In denial....and I'm not talking about a river in Africa. I've been where you are, and it's a scary, dark place. Come out into the light soon, please. For your own sake and for the sake of your son.

Agnes · Post by **Agnes** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:01 am

Its nice to care, but FGChatter needs to decide on her own what is best. The text messages could reveal information about something she did not know about? Sounds like a level headed person who is just finalizing an investigation about her cheating husband? I say if he is not true to you, he will never be true to anyone, once a cheat always. They don't know what a broken heart feels like because they have no heart.

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:21 am

But even if you they were chatting about the weather - he still SLEPT with her! That is the end result of the text messaging.

If you were trying to find proof that he had cheated, then the texts could tell you a lot, but you know for sure he did so what do you want to prove to yourself?

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:23 am

Agnes wrote: Its nice to care, but FGChatter needs to decide on her own what is best. The text messages could reveal information about something she did not know about? Sounds like a level headed person who is just finalizing an investigation about her cheating husband? I say if he is not true to you, he will never be true to anyone, once a cheat always. They don't know what a broken heart feels like because they have no heart.

Is this a reference to people who have replied honestly to this thread?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:27 am

Jives wrote:

I caught my wife in bed with another guy. (Nearly killed him too, thank God I didn't.) Just like you, I refused to give up. Perhaps because I thought I had caused it, perhaps because it hurt my ego to find that I had actually failed at a relationship.

.
no one person can cause it, its a sh*tty thing that happens and normally because one or both people are unhappy in their relationship not necessarily caused by the other person but maybe because it isnt the kind of relationship they had dreamt of....

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:32 am

Agnes wrote: I say if he is not true to you, he will never be true to anyone, once a cheat always. They don't know what a broken heart feels like because they have no heart.
thats simply not true

not everyone cheats because they are spiteful or have no heart etc

sometimes the person doing the cheating can be totally messed up hence why they cheat, looking for an escape route, maybe its the wrong way to go about it but it sure doesnt mean that you will always be a cheat or that you have no heart

maybe they just havent met the right person

im not condoning it, or forgiving it

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:32 am

smithy87 wrote:

Is this a reference to people who have replied honestly to this thread? don't worry about it, that's just Paula's way. agnes is paula redux.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:41 am

LOL! Agnes is Paula? Hi Paula! Welcome back! Hahahaha.....

There remains the fact that cheating is a sign of a serious character flaw. A man who cheats doesn't respect women or himself.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:42 am

what about a woman who cheats?

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:44 am

pink princess wrote: what about a woman who cheats?same goes. dishonesty is dishonesty.

ice maiden · Post by **ice maiden** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:44 am

if i may be so bold as to say what i would do i would not go after the text but trust my heart to know if he is true and if i love him enough to keep going or take my life in my own hands and find happiness elsewhere with my children .

children can cope with more then we as grown up think they can

you know the truth trust yourself :-4

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:46 am

FGChatter wrote: Hi All

I've posted quite a long thread in Relationships "How do you get over an affair". Basically, my husband has had an affair but started up another 'friendship' with another girl last July whom he texted and rang rather a lot! Suspicious does not cover it!

I am posting here to see if anyone knows if I can get help with getting a print out of the text messages he sent from this Orange Pay as you Go phone? He registered it last July and says he only had it 4 weeks. I know the a/c number, mobile number, pin number etc.

Does anyone know if this information is accessible?

Please help if so, I am losing my mind.

Thank you

FGC

x

Is it the same girl he slept with or another one?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:47 am

i think some people do it as a cry for help

not all just some

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 8:56 am

pink princess wrote: i think some people do it as a cry for help

not all just some

That's a cop out. I cheated because I need help. I beat the girl as a cry for help.

I wish that worked in real life...I'd rob a bank and if I got caught I'd say "it was a cry for help!"

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:01 am

ok maybe not a cry for help but as an escape from what it is they cant cope with

its not a ncie way to do it and like i said i dont condone or forgive it but not EVERY situation is the same.....

beating a girl is a very different thing, i dont think you can put someone who cheats in the same category as someone who beats a child..... or an adult

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:02 am

Jives wrote: That's a cop out. I cheated because I need help. I beat the girl as a cry for help.

I wish that worked in real life...I'd rob a bank and if I got caught I'd say "it was a cry for help!"yep...and if you robbed the bank i would probably cap your ass. you could cry for help then. ...not YOU jives!! and yes, that is paula! LOL

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:49 am

FGChatter wrote:

I am posting here to see if anyone knows if I can get help with getting a print out of the text messages he sent from this Orange Pay as you Go phone? He registered it last July and says he only had it 4 weeks. I know the a/c number, mobile number, pin number etc.

Does anyone know if this information is accessible?

Please help if so, I am losing my mind.

Thank you

FGC

x
FCG, there is no way of getting a copy of a text once it has been sent, the only way you can retrieve that info is to get it off the phone that has sent it, or the phone that has received it, assuming they havent deleted the message.

The only evidence would be a record of the number of texts sent and to whom they were sent, assuming it's a contract mobile & not a pay as you go.

Sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough patch at the moment, i do hope that time heals x.

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:12 am

stay away from the text messages...you already know. no need to go there and pour salt in those wounds.

who in the heck is paula...i'm missing the joke here folks!! :p

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:36 am

Never ask questions unless you are prepared to accept the answers.

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:47 am

LC did you blow Paula's cover???????????

Cheers gal nice to see you back with your new look.

Sheryl · Post by **Sheryl** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:55 am

I understand you wanting a copy of the text messages. When my husband had his affair I drove myself crazy searching though his personnel items looking for proof. When I did find it, the pain it caused is hard to put in words. Right now you need to step back and think about yourself and your son. Your sanity is more important.

Sheryl

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:00 pm

minks wrote: LC did you blow Paula's cover???????????

Cheers gal nice to see you back with your new look.

LOl! I think you, hotsauce, and I were the only ones who didn't know about it!

minks · Post by **minks** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:17 pm

Jives wrote: LOl! I think you, hotsauce, and I were the only ones who didn't know about it!

Jaysus!!!!

*slaps self in forehead*

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 1:11 pm

hotsauce wrote: who in the heck is paula...i'm missing the joke here folks!! :p

Paula who

BabyRider · Post by **BabyRider** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 1:39 pm

minks wrote: LC did you blow Paula's cover???????????

Cheers gal nice to see you back with your new look."Blow" Paula's cover?? You GOTTA be kidding! I could tell from post #1 who it was!!! That very distinct way of "writing" is impossible to miss!!! :yh_rotfl

Now, FGC, I really have to say, it sounds as if you want us to pat you on the hand and say "There there...it's ok, you keep giving that louse chance after chance..." And most of us here just won't do it. Your stories tell of a man who has no compunction about screwing over his family, apologizing for it, sucking you back in and then doing it all over again. The guy bought a phone behind your back, is communicating with another "friend" without your knowledge, all 4 or 5 weeks after you found out about his previous infidelity!!! He is screwing you over left and right and everyone here can see it!! Why does not matter. He's done it before, he's doing it again, and he'll continue to do it until you say "ENOUGH. My son and I are worth more than that, we deserve better." Period. It ain't pretty, it ain't fun, but your husband is not a man worth your pain. The trust is gone, and he continues his hurtful, dishonest, dirty behavior. Treat yourself better.

Jives · Post by **Jives** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:40 pm

I was going to p[ost again in here....but WOW! Baby Rider just said it all! Go get 'em, BR!

hotsauce · Post by **hotsauce** » Wed Apr 13, 2005 4:36 pm

I kind of wish BabyRider would quit beating around the bush. I mean...come on! Knock the sugar off of that post!

btw...good advice!

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:28 am

Smithy/Pink Princess

These text messages were to a SECOND girl whom he maintains he did not sleep with. I am not interested in the thousands of texts to the first girl whom I KNOW he slept with, I have nothing further to discover regarding the first girl.

I then found out he bought a mobile behind my back to start texting the second girl but he swears he did not sleep with her. That is why I would like to see the content of the text messages as this would reveal the extent of the friendship/relationship. I don't think I'm going to be able to get the info anyway but I just don't know what else to do.

You are all brutal on here. You are all saying "get out, don't stay, cut your losses". Don't I deserve to give myself enough time to make a rational decision? I've only known for 5 weeks for God's sake. I just want to try counselling to see IF it can help. If it doesn't, yes I will make him leave but I just want to try every avenue before I walk away from 12 years of my life.

FGC

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:36 am

we're really not brutal, but you asked, and you will receive honest opinions. you asked, what did you expect, that everyone would agree with what you wished to hear? i wish you all the best, i really do. but a cheater will have a thousand excuses and snow you because it's what you need to hear. best of luck with counseling and delaying the inevitable. be prepared to go through this again. i am so sorry to sound mean, i am not actually. just pragmatic. how would you feel if you could hear what he was saying to the female as he was doing her?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:15 am

FGChatter wrote: Smithy/Pink Princess

These text messages were to a SECOND girl whom he maintains he did not sleep with. I am not interested in the thousands of texts to the first girl whom I KNOW he slept with, I have nothing further to discover regarding the first girl.

I then found out he bought a mobile behind my back to start texting the second girl but he swears he did not sleep with her. That is why I would like to see the content of the text messages as this would reveal the extent of the friendship/relationship. I don't think I'm going to be able to get the info anyway but I just don't know what else to do.

You are all brutal on here. You are all saying "get out, don't stay, cut your losses". Don't I deserve to give myself enough time to make a rational decision? I've only known for 5 weeks for God's sake. I just want to try counselling to see IF it can help. If it doesn't, yes I will make him leave but I just want to try every avenue before I walk away from 12 years of my life.

FGC
huh? you explaining that to me? or am i the brutal one?

i thought id been fairly even sided, between my posts here and on the other thread, trying to understand both sides of it

my two points remain the same:

a) not everyone cheats because they are horrible, in some situations its because theres a problem with the relationship which makes them look for a way out (whether or not its the right thing to morally do is not the point right now) and if they go to that extreme to escape it will probably never be fixed, its a sign theres something missing for either on or both people in the relationship

and

b) dont stay where you are and 'trick' youre mind into staying because you are scared, it took me about 2 yrs or so to pluck up the courage and looking back i wish id just done it, it was a couple of years of tormenting myself i wish i had never done and it can really seriously screw you up, dont stay out of fear

i understand your situation in perhaps more ways than i am letting on and in this situation i know how impt it can be to have someone to lean on who understands

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:18 am

FGC

All we're saying is he has cheated with one girl, bought a mobile behind your back and started texting another girl. I assuming he won't tell you the truth about the contents of them. I can understand you wanting to know what they'd been saying.

But the point is he obviously didn't want you to know what he was upto in the first place. If it was innocent he wouldn't have a problem with you knowing. And so soon after you found out he had slept with someone else. Does he have no consideration at all for your feelings?

I have said before you need to give yourself time to know what permanent decision you want to make.

Cheating one time fair enough you want to give it another shot, but starting another 'friendship' 5 weeks after being busted is enough to test anyone's patience and trust.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:27 am

i agree with smithy 87's last post

sounds to me like ure other half is looking for a way out and hoping that you will end things for him so he doesnt feel so guilty

i could be of course completely wrong

but only you know yourself and your relationship and whether or not trying again will work, as i said in one of my very first posts we can only offer our opinions the decision is completely up to you.... and you will make the right decision for you at that time

a decision can always be gone back on....

and everything happens for a reason.....

one question though:

is your relationship with him (forgetting the stuff you have been posting about) everything you always wanted? dreamt of when you were younger? are there any flaws to it you wish werent there??

(im my relationship it was i never got to see my friends and for various reasons i felt held back from being able to become who i wanted to be)

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:27 am

Pink Princess - no offence intended. Yes, you are one of the few whom have been even-sided, sorry, it really wasn't a go at you. Sorry if I've offended you at all. I do appreciate everyone's efforts to post & advise, although it really stings to read the "hard" advice, ie, leave, if he's done it once, he'll do it again etc etc.

You ask if my relationship with him prior to this sh*t was all I ever wanted and yes it was. We were completely and utterly in love, besotted with each other, even after 10 years. We would ring each other through the day, always say 'I love you', kiss/cuddle, be demonstrative and openly loving etc with each other - this is why it is impossible to comprehend what he has done. He is (was?) my soul-mate, our relationship was perfect in every way. He was so reliable, honest (yes, honest!), understanding, dependable, loving, caring, thoughtful and perfect for me. After one date with him, I told my mum I had met the man I was going to marry. My mum scoffed but I said "no, listen, it's true, I will marry him". And 4 blissful years later, I did.

We both used to work at the same place (this is not how we met) and we never got fed up of seeing each other, we lived together, travelled to and from work together, actually worked together without a problem, in fact, we were so close, people often said "you have such a fantastic relationship, you are so lucky" and we did. Now that our friends have found out what he has done, they are absolutely dumb-founded, not one person can believe it. Every single person has said "No way, not him, he just wouldn't". Most have asked if I am sure he's done it and recoil in 100% shock when I say he's actually admitted it. No-one can believe it of him, it is so out of character.

Now we are trying to make things work, he is trying so hard. All the people that say he will never change don't know him (I hate to put that because it sounds like I am defending him and I am so not!) but this cheating person is not who he is. He is desperate to talk now and make things work, he is so loving and even more demonstrative than before. He is giving me all the freedom I need (a couple of hours out with my friends a few times per week and Friday nights out clubbing with the girls) and has not asked to go out himself. I know that he will want to go out in time but he says, for the moment, he wants to show how much he wants to stay at home and build our family life together. He swears I am all he will ever want and need and says he cannot contemplate his life without me. He says his "head was turned and he was flattered" by this girl's attention and he cannot believe how stupid he has been. He is desperately remorseful, you can quite simply see that in his eyes and his demeanour. He fills up with tears when he looks at me and my son in a contemplating way, and I know he is thinking that he cannot imagine his life without us in it. Yes, he should never have done what he has done and, yes, he should have thought about life without us before he shagged her! He could not be any more sorry and is prepared to do anything to make things work. I was so low and depressed yesterday and he was shaking when he said "I think you're going to ask me to leave, aren't you?" and he was clearly petrified. I know he loves me and all the huge errors he has made has made him realise just how much. He cannot believe it was him that did what he did, when he looks back.

He is now out of that workplace, has started a new job and says he wants to start a brand new chapter in his life with me & our baby. I do want to try too, but I am too hurt. We are going to Relate tonight which will be a start but I know (and he knows) there is a huge mountain to climb. He is taking things so slowly with me, he is so patient and if I wake at 3am with a list of questions, he holds me and talks things through with me. He's started leaving me notes round the house telling me how much he loves me and he sends me texts to say the same. He is making a stupendous effort and simply says "if it's not enough, I will try harder". He says no matter what I need him to do, he will do it without question.

Does that alter your opinion of things at all?

PS. Smithy - I didn't bust him 5 weeks after the first one. I found out about both girls at the same time (correspondence came through the post). He slept with the first girl in April 2003 and started texting the second girl in July 04.

FGC

x

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:47 am

hmm

i know how hard this all is, and he must be going thru it as well (regadless of his unfair actions)

i worry that maybe the relationship isnt what he really wants anymore

he cheated once taking it to the full extreme and then when that ended would have thought to himself that he must never do such a thing and how lucky he was to have you etc, but then a year or so later the same thing happens again, his head turns.... he must have felt there was something missing in the relationship or else his head wouldnt have turned... perhaps he wants something else and like i said is looking for a way out and hoping you will end it for him....

its NOT your fault if he feels something is missing, there is nothing you could do or should have done, its just not quite the right match of people, even if the relationship was for you perfect it cant be that perfect if for him something was missing and that in itself is not the kind of relationship anyone wishes - where one person is more 'into it' than the other....

my ex told me all about how it was the perfect relationship for him etc and he was really happy, but once id done the deed and ended it after the inital hurt etc he admitted to me he hadnt been happy just he hadnt realised it so i actually did us both a favour in the long run by ending it, it allowed him to stand a chance of being with someone who could love him properly and gave me the chance to find that too.

its the hardest thing in the world to try and understand then accept your true feelings in situations like this, you do need time and you may make a decision which is 5 yrs you wish you hadnt, only time will tell

but you can always try and go back on a decision and if you cant get back it simply wasnt meant to be

no offence taken

the advantage of posting somewhere like this is you get such a broad scope of opinions, dont be upset by any of them, use them, use them to help build your own feelings, none of them are attacking you so you have no need to defend yourself from any of them, just use the advice to build your opinions, but trust me - every bit of what you read here will be useful to you in some way

smithy87 · Post by **smithy87** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:11 am

Sorry for the confusion FGC I'm reading these in between work!!!

It does sound like he is trying, but its not us that you need to convince. As long as you are happy with what is happrening in your life, that's all that matters.

Good luck for tonight xx

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 5:35 am

Little bit confused here

If he's being so attentive & loving towards you, and you are trying to put the past behind you by going to a relate councillor, why on earth are you torturing yourself over some text messages that may or may not exist??

What is the point of attending this meeting if you can't leave it?

Put it behind you, and try to get on with your life.

If you've decided to give the guy another chance to prove his loyalty & commitment then you're going about it the wrong way.

FGChatter · Post by **FGChatter** » Thu Apr 14, 2005 6:45 am

Abbey - you ask what is the point of going to Relate??????

Because although he is making monumental efforts to repair the damage he has caused, I still need help, guidance and counselling through this hell from an impartial third party who is trained to do exactly that. They will help us unpick and evaluate the mess that caused him to start arsing about behind my back. I am looking for answers for what has gone before, and for solutions going forward.

If we can't make it work with the help of professionals, I'll know I've tried absolutely everything and will be making the right decision to end it if I still feel as low and depressed after, say, 8-12 weeks of counselling.

I have NOT decided to give him another chance, I am simply currently deciding whether or not to do that.

The text messages simply may or may not have provided some answers. He says nothing untoward went on with this girl but if the texts revealed he did, that would be it - finito! I would not spend Ã‚£40/hour at Relate if I knew for definite that he is still lying to me.

lbranny · Post by **lbranny** » Fri May 01, 2009 4:37 pm

I agree that you a torturing yourself, however, those of us that are struggling to cope with long term infidelity and the future of your children in an intact family, have heard all the promises that its over and that there will be no more. I believed him until I saw more.

I think if you are seriously considering staying you need to be informed. Guessing isn't fair to him or to you and your mind will not stop wandering until you know for sure.

If you think you can accept the answers and act on them appropriately, what choice do you have but to find out the truth.