Does anyone else get scared about the future?

Marie5656 · Post by **Marie5656** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 5:33 pm

Pinky...all is not lost. I did not meet Rick till I was in my late 40's. In several relationships in my life..he was the first I even considered being long term with. We just celebrated anniversary #5....my FIRST marriage.

koan · Post by **koan** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 5:44 pm

Being alone is better than being with someone who causes you to sacrifice your goals.

Sometimes it hurts but we are never really alone. It only hurts because we lose patience from time to time. That's how I see it.

ARgi · Post by **ARgi** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 5:47 pm

(pinky) you're beautiful inside and out. please don't worry. relationships can be just as scary as not having them, counting on someone else to treat your heart and soul with loving care is the scariest of all

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:00 pm

Well Pinky, sorry to say, my report is not as good as Maries. My last breakup was a little over 6 years ago. Try meeting someone in your 50's !!! Seriously, you are very young. Meeting someone else should be the last thing on your mind. Independence is a priceless thing. I have a group of single women friends who are all in their 50s, attractive, self sufficient, intelligent, and warm hearted. We do worry sometimes about the future, Not one of us ever planned on being alone now, or to spend our older years alone. The problem is we learned along the way that firstly we enjoyed our own company. We grew to like ourselves. And at this point, we just could never compromise our principles, or be responsible for someone elses happiness. I know that you cant relate to women our age... at your age. But we are all incredible romantics. We live our lives concentrating on our careers, enjoying great times with friends,and loving our grown children. But, secretly each one of us still believes that the man of our dreams, could walk around any corner, and that we could be madly in love again. The future takes care of itself... it comes. You just have to take care of you.

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:06 pm

Want to get married if we're both alone when we're 40?

Clint · Post by **Clint** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:18 pm

I'll bet your great aunt didn't mind the way she lived or worry about what the people in the community thought about her. If she believed that was what she was supposed to do with her life, I'd say she was doing better than most of us.

JacksDad · Post by **JacksDad** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:23 pm

You think too much.

;)

K.Snyder;540417 wrote: Want to get married if we're both alone when we're 40?

Is that a proposal?

Post by **Bryn Mawr** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:36 pm

Pinky;540397 wrote: I've had a lot of thinking time this weekend, and although it's been lovely just to have my own space, I came to a few conclusions and also got myself worrying a bit too...

Basically, I'm looking forward to eventually having my own place, just me and no-one else to worry about, I am going to throw myself into my work for the foreseeable future in order to make this happen.

However, I kinda got to thinking about the possibilities, or lack of them.

Idon't think I'll be looking to meet anyone for a while, I think it will do me good just to have some fun for a bit, but what happens when I do want to? It's not so easy to meet people when you're in your thirties, most guys my age (not that age is all that important) are either married or with someone aren't they?

I had a great aunt who lived out in the country on her own with tons of animals, did things at weird times (like ironing at three in the morning) and that never changed for her.

I dunno,I guess I'm a bit afraid of ending up being the strange old bat down the road with all the cats...there's one in every community isn't there?:D

It can't just be me who worries about this type of thing...am I being completely irrational?

The days when a girl was "on the shelf" if not married by 20 are long gone.

At 30something you're young yet. Better still, you're not alone - many people, male and female, are footlose and fancy free in their thirties, whether they've never been hitched or they've had a bad deal and split.

The worst trap is putting up with unhappiness because you're afraid of being alone. The second worst trap is to rush into another relationship because you're afraid of being alone. I've seen both and neither have been pretty.

Have faith in yourself and live the life you want, as you want it.

If alone is the next phase, so be it. If together is the phase after, then it will be so.

The very best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 6:46 pm

Pinky, I can completely relate, I was 36 when ex said "I'm leaving, don't want to be married any more", and I was concerned about the same things you are. I made some mistakes in the last 4 years...I'm not proud of them, but I finally got to the point where I was happy to be alone, I have handled it somewhat pretty well. I have just met a wonderful guy and I'm scared CRAPLESS about getting hurt. I'm always worried about the future, am I making the right decision?? It just never ends for me...

You are very young and a beautiful woman, inside and out....It'll be okay, plus hey you've got your friends at the garden...what more could a woman want?? :-4

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 9:07 pm

there are worse things pinky...it is one thing to be alone and look forward to a chance to change that....it is another to be in a marriage or relationship and be totally alone.....the second to me is far more painful.....:-2

Rain · Post by **Rain** » Sun Feb 04, 2007 11:27 pm

Pinky, I was in my early 30's and was resigned to the fact that I would live out my life alone. I had a daughter from a previous marriage and was good with that. I felt lonely for a man a lot, but, I knew it wouldn't happen. And then when I wasn't even looking, in walked my current husband. He was 22! Now he's 40 and I'm 50 and we're about to celebrate our 16th anniversary. It'll happen for you, but my advise would be to soak up your time alone. It's the best time to evaluate yourself. Your wants-vs-needs. I wish you well.

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:26 am

Pinky;540397 wrote: I've had a lot of thinking time this weekend, and although it's been lovely just to have my own space, I came to a few conclusions and also got myself worrying a bit too...

Basically, I'm looking forward to eventually having my own place, just me and no-one else to worry about, I am going to throw myself into my work for the foreseeable future in order to make this happen.

However, I kinda got to thinking about the possibilities, or lack of them.

Idon't think I'll be looking to meet anyone for a while, I think it will do me good just to have some fun for a bit, but what happens when I do want to? It's not so easy to meet people when you're in your thirties, most guys my age (not that age is all that important) are either married or with someone aren't they?

I had a great aunt who lived out in the country on her own with tons of animals, did things at weird times (like ironing at three in the morning) and that never changed for her.

I dunno,I guess I'm a bit afraid of ending up being the strange old bat down the road with all the cats...there's one in every community isn't there?:D

It can't just be me who worries about this type of thing...am I being completely irrational?

Well, my attitude would be definetly take some time, and then when the time comes put yourself about a bit and you will find someone if thats what you want. I had a long term relationship go bad on me, and at first I went out with loads of people after it, but that didn't work at all, so I took some single time, and it was far better I have to admit, though at first it was lonely a bit alright, but actually like other people said, having time to yourself is kinda priceless in a way. Anyway, once the time comes you put yourself about again, and you will find someone, its not easy, but there are lots of men out there in the same position, and nice, kind men as well.

I'll put it this way, my mom is in her early 60s, a widow for 14 years, for 10 years she wanted no one, then she went out a bit, men fell over her, she has had 3 male suitors chasing her for the past 2 years and she laughs it off! I mean I tell her, look mam, your not getting younger, why not, you know get the relationship thing going properly and marry one of em? Whisht youngen, she's say, I'm having far too much fun being single! So thats an example to us all. :-6

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:50 am

pinky try not to worry about a thing by my calculations the world is due to end this week on Friday around noon , any chance of lending me £500 just in case i'm right , as if i am you wont be needing it anyway and if i'm wrong Ill be in Cyprus should you want to contact me to get your £500 back :-6 :-6

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:56 am

jimbo;540558 wrote: pinky try not to worry about a thing by my calculations the world is due to end this week on Friday around noon , any chance of lending me £500 just in case i'm right , as if i am you wont be needing it anyway and if i'm wrong Ill be in Cyprus should you want to contact me to get your £500 back :-6 :-6

Don't be ridiculous, we have at least until the 2nd week of march 2007 according to the ancient bumnangdgshwana tribe, so relax. :wah:

Bez · Post by **Bez** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:56 am

Bryn Mawr;540425 wrote: The days when a girl was "on the shelf" if not married by 20 are long gone.

At 30something you're young yet. Better still, you're not alone - many people, male and female, are footlose and fancy free in their thirties, whether they've never been hitched or they've had a bad deal and split.

The worst trap is putting up with unhappiness because you're afraid of being alone. The second worst trap is to rush into another relationship because you're afraid of being alone. I've seen both and neither have been pretty.

Have faith in yourself and live the life you want, as you want it.

If alone is the next phase, so be it. If together is the phase after, then it will be so.

The very best of luck and happiness whatever you decide to do.

Wise words..... They've given me 'heart'....thanks

Back to your original question Pinky.....the only thing that scares me about the future is the TIME.....I have sixty years behind me and probably 20ish before me......it's just not enough..:-3

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 4:27 am

My dad is 78. He lives his life as though there will never be an end to it. He has at least 2 women at any given time running after him. I think its because of his attitude. It certainly isnt because of money. He just lives.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 6:47 am

Pinky;540555 wrote: Thanks guys..I think I kind of worded a lot of that completely wrong!

I'm not overly concerned with jumping into anything else at the mo, I'm quite looking forward to having my own space, it's more worry about what comes later on. I think maybe I do think too much you know! It's nightime that does it, I can never get my damn brain to shut up!:rolleyes:

Oh boy, do I know about this. That happens to me all the time. Your world quiets down and your mind acts up. Yep. I worry about the future a lot but what I am learning is that change is going to happen either by itself or because I made it happen. I'd prefer to make it happen but sometimes I don't have a choice. It's cliche` but change is the only constant.

I live a single life right now and there are times when it's a bit of a drag or a bit of a worry but 99% of the time, it's just my life and I'm okay with it. I know it's just a matter of time until it changes and I'm not single anymore so I am content to do what I do until it does.

I wish you well, Pink. :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:12 am

Pinky;540397 wrote: I've had a lot of thinking time this weekend, and although it's been lovely just to have my own space, I came to a few conclusions and also got myself worrying a bit too...

Basically, I'm looking forward to eventually having my own place, just me and no-one else to worry about, I am going to throw myself into my work for the foreseeable future in order to make this happen.

However, I kinda got to thinking about the possibilities, or lack of them.

Idon't think I'll be looking to meet anyone for a while, I think it will do me good just to have some fun for a bit, but what happens when I do want to? It's not so easy to meet people when you're in your thirties, most guys my age (not that age is all that important) are either married or with someone aren't they?

I had a great aunt who lived out in the country on her own with tons of animals, did things at weird times (like ironing at three in the morning) and that never changed for her.

I dunno,I guess I'm a bit afraid of ending up being the strange old bat down the road with all the cats...there's one in every community isn't there?:D

It can't just be me who worries about this type of thing...am I being completely irrational?
Everyone feels like that when they're ready to jump ship. You need time to focus on yourself and channel your time and energy into creating your own space where you can become happy. Redefine yourself and assess what you really want from someone. I'd been in an abusive marriage for 20 years and decided that I'd spend the rest of my life alone, partly by choice and partly from low self esteem. I created a home that says "This is Krammy". I'm comfortable inside the house as you will be. I've had a few female friends to help me readjust and think that maybe I'm not such a lost cause. Right here right now I am in the infancy of a relationship which feels good and worth nurturing. She makes me feel different. I learned how to cook, clean and generally survive alone and become totally self sufficient. This puts me in the position where I'm with her because I want to be and not because I need to be. This is where you should aim Pinky because you are special and valuable. You are worthy of a special someone, not just anyone. :yh_hugs

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 11:55 am

Yes, Krammy is right, you will have hard days one way or another, you can't avoid them, but if you can overcome that pain that comes from ending anything that has been important in your life (whether good or bad) you will come through it, and be glad you did as well. But it is not easy, and there is no point kidding about that. :-6

Galbally · Post by **Galbally** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 12:12 pm

Pinky;540816 wrote: Well, first things first I suppose, I guess it's daft to try and think about what things might be like ten years down the line when I need to get my thinking head on and come up with some solutions for the near future. I'll concentrate on that for now I think!

Good plan. :-6

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 12:41 pm

Hello Lovely Pink Lady

I was divorced from my 1st hubby in my early 30s. Oh how I loved being on my own! I got my own apartment and loved the freedom of doing *what* I wanted *when* I wanted. Even though I have my bachelor's degree, I went back to school at night to learn something new. I worked during the day and met all kinds of people.

Sure, there were times I was lonely, but here was always my response (and I just KNOW you can relate to this, Pinks): "Yes, I get lonely, but it is NOTHING compared to being married and lonely." That, to me, was the worst kind of loneliness.

I dated and had fun and enjoyed my 'Cher' time. I didn't meet hubby #2 until I was 38 years old, about 7 years after my divorce. I was ready.

So live your life, my friend. Don't worry about the destination, but DO enjoy the journey. :-6

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:20 pm

Just an idea... Instead of postponing while you clear the debt. Make the move. and think about a fun part time evening job. You will make extra money, it will keep your mind really busy ( which will help you) and it puts you in a place to meet more people.

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:38 pm

Hey Pinks,

I am a great planner, but this life has shown me that it really is not worth worrying about what may or may not happen. Almost all my best laid plans have not come good! I used to spend so much time planning, and worrying myself sick when things wouldn't go right, but i am so glad that i made a few detours from the path which i picked. The list is endless of all the positives I've gained by side stepping along the way.

You are a fab person and i have no doubts that you will achieve in life whatever you want, it's just about taking a step outside the box and looking at all the wonderful things that you have in your life.

It will all come good :-4 :-6 :-4 :-6

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:40 pm

DAMN, I forgot to answer the question, got sidetracked as usual :-5

I try not to worry about the future, but at the moment I must admit, for certain reasons I feel more scared than ever, about whats to come

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:44 pm

Pinky;540881 wrote: Thanks Suz, I'm just a bit worried about ending up in a cardboard box at this point!:-3

There must be something I can do though, I just have to think of something!

That won't happen, If you want I will try to get a number for key workers in your area, have you tried a housing association or the council? Let me know if I can help as I'm just sitting around tomorrow and you know me I love chatting to people, In fact if I don't make calls for you I may just phone some people from the telephone book, see if they want a chat

SuzyB · Post by **SuzyB** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:44 pm

Pinky;540885 wrote: :yh_hugs :yh_hugs :yh_hugs

That's understandable mate. We'll be here if you need us!

Thankyou :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:07 pm

Pinky;540889 wrote: Oh bless your heart!:-4

Work is finding out about keyworker housing for me, and it might be worth phoning the council, though they probably won't find me anywhere until I am actually homeless, they're crap like that around here.

I think I'm going to go to the CAB to find out what my options are and where I can go from here.
I made appointments to see 3 Solicitors. They were offering the first consultation free so I figured, the more free advice I could get the better. Looking back I was a bit naive because I genuinely thought I'd have to live in my car. I didn't like the first Solicitor although he did put my mind at rest about living in the car. The woman at the second Solicitors impressed me so much that I cancelled the third appointment. I was later assigned one of the partners and she did a great job. The CAB advice could be useful too. Again, the more advice the better. I also bought a book about divorce as I needed to know the score with all the spiteful "Take him to the Cleaners" sh1t coming my way from the school-gate lawyers. And don't forget the internet. You have rights and are entitled to walk away with something. But more than that, it can put your mind at rest, sort the reality from the imagined. For me, the reality was never as bad as I'd imagined. Hopefully, it should be easier with no bitter battles over children. Galbally is right. It's not that easy, but it's not that hard either. Good luck old chum.

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:09 pm

Uncle Kram;540903 wrote: For me, the reality was never as bad as I'd imagined.

It's not that easy, but it's not that hard either.

Great lessons here, Krammy :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:22 pm

What's so funny about the microwave then?

K.Snyder · Post by **K.Snyder** » Mon Feb 05, 2007 2:24 pm

Uncle Kram;540918 wrote: What's so funny about the microwave then?

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/06 ... est_fraud/

Only in her case, it wasn't fake!