How do you trust again?

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:22 am

SORRY FOR THE LONG ONE!!

My wife and I recently had a falling out. We sat down and talked about how our marriage just seemed to be falling apart and things came out about how we treated eachother and our actions in the relationship. One of the things that came up was cheating. She admitted to cheating on my 2 mos prior to this conversation, wich happened about 6wks ago. I in turn admitted to cheating on her about 2 yrs ago when we lived in Michigan. I told her how deeply sorry that I was and how the day after it happened I was consumed with guilt and it made me realize how much I loved my wife and our marriage and in a way I'm glad it happened because it made me realize that cheating wasn't something that I wanted to do and that I wanted to be totally comitted to my wife and marriage. I told her that the day after it happened I severed all contact with this person and still to this day have not spoken a word to nor have seen this person again.

Then I started asking about her cheating and she said that it happened with a guy that she used to work with who now lives about an hour south of us. She said that this guy gave her butterflies that I don't give her anymore. She said she really had a crush on this guy and they flirted a lot and became good friends. Her work had his going away party at a hotel and she joked to him that they should get a room. Well a couple wks after that, he was living an hr away in a hotel but his fiance was still living here. He called her up and asked her if she still wanted to get that hotel room. She agreed and took a half day off of work and told me she was going shopping. What really hurts is that she says she doesn't regret it. She regrets that it has hurt me so badm, but it was something that she wanted to do. She has no guilt for doing it and justifies her actions because we were in a "lull".

After we talked that day and all of this came out we were planning on getting a divorce but the next day thought that maybe we were making too quick of a decision. Since then our relationship has been pretty good. We made a set of ground rules for even the most simple things like saying "I love you" after every phone call and when one of us leaves the house and a rule about how many dates we're going to go on and stuff like that. But one thing just wont leave me. Her cheating and how sometimes it just consumes my thoughts. She still talks to this guy on the phone and emails him at work. She's reassured me that it wont happen again and that he's married now, even though his cheating is how his first marriage ended, and he doesn't want to do anything either. She always calls his cell phone late in the day and while she's at work and it really feels like she's trying to be sneaky about it. If I had my wishes she'd never talk to him again. And I just can't quit worrying and wondering if she's talking about that again, if they're talking about meeting again and somedays it makes me sick to my stomach. I've even stooped as low to put a spy program on my computer so I can see what sites she's going to and who she talks to online and I check her cell phone to see who she calls and is calling her. I've talked to her a couple times about her cheating and how it pains me that she has no guilt or remorse for her actions and it how it kills me that she doesn't have regret or pain because she loves me, or because she loves our marriage. I even Sat her down and talked about the "lull" thing and that how I need her to be here for me and be comitted to me and faithful to me for better AND for worse. Not just for better and then when for worse comes its okay to cheat. I told her that if she can't be comitted and faithful to me during the for worse, I don't want her during the for better. And she said again that she was sorry and that she assures me that she'll never do it again even it he calls and wants to meet in town she will refuse and she says she loves me and wants to be with me and looks forward to our future. But (there's the infamous "but") I just can't get it out of my head yet and I HATE it. Everytime those thoughts enter my mind I remind myself that she has said she loves me and she's promised and vowed that she wont do it again and I try to make myself believe that. I hope and pray that I will get over this and will learn to trust her again or I'm afraid that I will have to end my marriage because I refuse to live my life worrying about this everday.

Okay now that you have read my book, and advise on what to do?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:33 am

erm.....

you honestly wanna know?

ok then....

sounds like the relationship has gone through a pretty bad patch and personally i think its over. you can both have all the best will in the world to make it work but i cant see it happening, youve both cheated so have both found that you were missing something in the relationship enough to make you want to find it elsewhere....

as for her and what shes doing now.... if she says its over with this other guy than fine maybe it is..... but the fact is she sought him out to give her whatever it is she needed and it seems like she is still seeking him out. hes her escapism, perhaps she hasnt realised that but if she still wants to be in touch with him to the level she is especially and really to any extent at all then the game is over

shes gone

by staying together you are both drawing out the inevitable and in truth making it more painful...

sorry to be so negative and sorry that your first postings are on such a topic but i hope you stick around

Post by **Betty Boop** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:34 am

Hello and welcome:-6

I would expect her to stop all contact with this other person to begin to believe she is really committed to your relationship, why won't she do this?

Did she know of or suspect your affair 2 years ago?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:38 am

Betty Boop wrote:

I would expect her to stop all contact with this other person to begin to believe she is really committed to your relationship, why won't she do this?

because the affair began as her escape and shes still trying to

shes trying to live a different life but hasnt found the courage to end her existing one

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:39 am

She had no idea that anything happened. I wasn't really missing anything in my relationship when I did it. I did it more out of resentment and hate. I really didn't want to move to Michigan. All my family is here, friends, I had just started a job I loved and I'm envolved with a vol fire dept. here that I love. And the move wasn't so bad Michigan grew on me but I could not stand to hear her complain about something up there. Like that she didn't like her job or couldn't stand her sister in law and stuff like that. I just clinched my fists everytime because she wanted to move, she made me leave everything, and then she had the never to complain about things. l was angry that's the reason for my error in judgement. Not saying that it justifies my actions at all and I still wish I hadn't done it. But that's the reason.

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:45 am

yea I believe she was looking for something or needing something. She has gained quite a bit of weight since our marriage and it has really taken a toll on her self esteem and I think that maybe she needed to know that someone besides me would still find her attractive. Our relationship has changed dramatically since our big conversations. Our love making is more passionate, we're willing to try new things, it seems like we want to spend more time together and we're really making good plans for the future. I just need to get past this point.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:46 am

ok so perhaps something wasnt missing...... but something wasnt right either, for a start you had enough hate and resentment to do it.....

honestly trust me here

(not that you have any reason to whatsoever! i mean youve never met me, have no idea who i am or what im like and may think im talking utter shi*te!)

fight for it if you want but i think its gonna be a long hard battle with very very slim chances of success......

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:51 am

Why can't I just go to the troubleshooting section of my marriage manual and have it tell me the perfect answer. Should I give it time? Should I wait and see how our new changes affect our relationship maybe 3-6mos down the road?

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:54 am

but if she was looking for something......

well my point is, as her husband shouldnt she have been able to find that something from you?

and it looks like she still cant hence the contact with this other guy still.....

(i really dont mean to be harsh about all this)

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:55 am

wow i just looked at your profile.....

your 24? thats young to have all this going on....

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 6:59 am

This is a sticky one, but l agree with princess. I do believs that you have to earn your way out of any relationship, it's just too easy these days to walk away if its not going your way. If there is love there then you need to try, or you may end up kicking yourself in a years time because you didn't.

Good luck my friend

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:05 am

its really hard because I see both sides of it. I love her I really do. And I know that there are bumps in the road to marriage and I know it takes work and I just don't want to give up prematurely when there very well could be a beautiful future for us instead of just becoming a statistic. But on the other side, what if there is someone out there that will make me happier. Will enjoy more of what I do and who I can fully trust and adore. I'm sure you have heard of the tactic that some High School counslers use where they ask you if you had a million dollars, what job would you do. I find myself saying that if I had a million dollars I would get a divorce. Is that me really trying to tell myself that I truly want out of this or that me saying I would take the easy road if I had money.

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:09 am

Only you truly know the answer to that question...

You could ask a million people their opinion and get lots of differing answers.

What you need to ask yourself is are you looking for advice or affermation to end the relationship, because thats what you really want to do?

No one can answer this question but you your head and your heart..

laser · Post by **laser** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:09 am

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear both of you had to experience this but mostly for you! At least you had serious regrets and saw the bright side of your mistake and made it productive. For her though, it is imperative that she cut, severe, and eradicate this ex lover of hers. Since she is not willing to do this, she is being very clear about what she really thinks of you and your marriage. You need to tell her to do this or you are gone ! How can you trust her if she won't even cut ties with him?

Her actions speaks volumes and you need to listen.

Good luck to you.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:19 am

scfd

i think you know the answer already but just need a few people to back you on it.....

if your wondering if theres other people out there you could be happier with there is only one way to find out....

and is it necessarily fair on her if you stay in the relationship while wondering that?

sounds to me like you would both be doing the right thing by each other for the first time in a while if you guys went different ways....

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:30 am

I agree with that pink but, am I just feeling that way now because I'm hurt? Because I'm not fully trusting yet and worrying about it? I have so many emotions that I'm feeling and so many thoughts that its so hard to me to figure out what I truly want and feel and what are spur of the moment feelings and thoughts because I'm hurt and don't know what to do.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:37 am

ok....

thing is your feeling this way now

but then youve also felt negative things about the relationship and her before..... which made you look elsewhere.....

thats a lot of negativity for whats a fairly short relationship and a young one too.....

if youve felt this much already the chances of it going away are really very remote....

i was in a relationship when i was 16 that lasted 5 years..... by the time i was 18 i wanted out, it took me until i was 21 to get out..... i wish to the heavens i hadnt wasted all that time, i wont go into all the reasons for it etc but you have your whole life ahead of you.....

even if you make a break from it in 10 years you could be back together and happier then you ever thought possible but until youve found what else is out there you will never know for sure and trust me I KNOW how much that can get to a person

scfd524 · Post by **scfd524** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 8:14 am

I guess I'm just not 100% sure what I want and I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision. My wife and I are also on the road to being debt free after quite a bit of struggle and that's something that weighs on my mind too. How am I going to pay for my stuff alone? I know that shouldn't be a deciding factor on my marriage vs happiness, if that's the real controversy here, but its something that worries me almost enough to live with my problems until that time comes. I also know that people have survived in worse situations than mine but its still scarry for me. I guess I'm also one that fears feeling like I'm a failure. When we first talked about divorce when this was all hitting the fan, I felt like I had failed my parents. It broke my heart more to tell them than what was going on. I cried on the phone to my father even thought I knew I had their support and they would do everything they could to help me, I still felt like I failed them. That hurt.

laser · Post by **laser** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 8:32 am

You wouldn't be a failure or even in the eyes of your parents if you left . You would be failing yourself though if you stayed in a marriage that was one-sided and not true and loyal. You deserve that ! Women are always hoping to find that one man who is.

abbey · Post by **abbey** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 10:13 am

Q..How do you trust again?

A..You dont.

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 10:36 am

scfd524 wrote: I guess I'm just not 100% sure what I want and I'm scared I'll make the wrong decision.

if you make the wrong decision you will learn from it, mistakes can always be rectified but if your thinking about leaving then the chances are it isnt the wrong decision

scfd524 wrote: My wife and I are also on the road to being debt free after quite a bit of struggle and that's something that weighs on my mind too.

the money side is a factor yes its true.... but it sounds like your family would be well behind you, they will help you.... and what would be better, penniless but actually happy or comfortable financially but miserable and hating your life

scfd524 wrote: I guess I'm also one that fears feeling like I'm a failure.

theres two people being failed here..... yourself and your wife. you are failing yourself and your failing her.... you clearly still have caring feelings towards her so let her go to be happy and make yourself happy in the process, otherwise the two of you are condemed to more years of misery

venus · Post by **venus** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:08 am

there seems to be one common thread to all the posts, life is too short.

Before you know it it will be ten years down the line!

Don't drag it out if its over and if its not, do all you can to fix it:)

Celtor · Post by **Celtor** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:53 pm

I would seriously suggest marital counseling. If it isn't something you think you can afford, there are often non-profit organizations that offer free or reduced services.

My ex-husband and I went to counseling, even though he was pretty well convinced that there wasn't any point to going. It didn't save our marriage, but it helped me realize that we were basically incompatible and that the effort of trying to save the marriage was going to be the death of me in the end.

Sometimes it just helps to have a third person help you work through all the problems and issues and see things more clearly...it also helps with communication and committment.

If your marriage is worth saving, then you're probably going to need help doing so. If it isn't, then you're going to need help figuring that out

lady cop · Post by **lady cop** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 5:08 pm

abbey wrote: Q..How do you trust again?

A..You dont.i'm with Abbey. screw the niceties. you are my man or you're not. and my man would never hurt me. (he doesn't like bullet holes in his cute bod.

)

CARLA · Post by **CARLA** » Mon Aug 08, 2005 8:09 pm

I also agree with Abbey. Trusting again is many times impossible. On rare occasions it can be done, but not often.

Your best bet is to move on, and hope for the best down the road. You can forgive and forget most times, but trust is earned, and when someone put their trust in your, or visa versa, it should be honored, and treated with respect. I guess what I'm trying to say it TRUST isn't negotiated.

robinseggs · Post by **robinseggs** » Fri Aug 12, 2005 8:53 pm

Bummer. All I can say is NEVER share relationship problems with family!! Even though you may be able to forgive your other half for something, your family NEVER will and they will never let you forget about it.

conanscaseclosed · Post by **conanscaseclosed** » Sat Aug 13, 2005 6:55 pm

Just do it... don't let fear of the unknown stop you. Did we fear falling flat on our faces as an infant taking our first steps? No!

If you let fear stop you now you may miss an important event in your life. Courage and self confidence.

Its taken me ten years to get to where I am. Full of fear and unsure of life. But, I am taking leaps and bounds to Freedom.

Self-dought run rampant is torture.

Feel well with yourself. You can not change who, what or how she is.

The fact that you felt guilt and remorse for something you had done to a person that you love is such an admiral thing. Share it with someone who will appreciate it. :-6

pink princess · Post by **pink princess** » Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:15 am

i so wanna know what happened!

come back and tell us....

Isis · Post by **Isis** » Fri Jan 26, 2007 5:21 pm

It is my opinion that more often than not, women form an emotional attachment before they have a sexual relationship with a man. That being said, the fact that your wife is still communicating with him tells me that her emotional attachment to this man as well as her own needs, are viewed by her as being more important than your feelings. At this point, she is able to "have her cake and eat it too", so to speak.

In addition, he has a fiance that he obviously is not completely emotionally committed to or else he would have severed all ties with your wife as well. Neither one of them feels any guilt about what they have done.

It seems to me that your wife may have a feeling of entitlement, that you "owe her something". The fact that she does not feel guilty tells me that she will more than likely sleep with this man again.

With that being said, only you can answer this question for yourself. Can you live with knowing that your wife is not willing to be emotionally and physically faithful to you. Are you willing to keep sharing her with another man? Are you willing to have an "open" marriage? If you are not, and you let her continue doing what she wants, then how can she have any respect for you at all?

You and your wife should also have a mature discussion regarding sexual health. Hopefully, you both used protection in your encounters with these other people. If not, then you both should go have a complete STD check.

If it does not work out, I would start keeping records in the event of a divorce so that she cannot continue being unfaithful and then expect you to provide her with alimony.

I am sorry that this New Year is already bringing you so much unhappiness. I wish you lots of love and light.

Cheers,

Delilah · Post by **Delilah** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:09 am

I'm with the others here..

And would also like to add..that if you are so desprate for answers that you turn to asking for advice from total strangers on an internet forum..chances are that you already know the answer and do just need to hear you are making the right decision from objective others.

You are.

Here are your options..

1. You can live another few months, few years, decades unhappy in your life because of your marriage.

2. You can grab hold of any and all courage you've got and make a concious choice to brave the fall, step outside of the comfort zone, leave, and than start putting your life to where you want it to be, instead of living it in sorrow, pain and misery.

If you don't get out soon, than 5 years down the road you will. And you will look back and be damned disappointed with yourself for having stayed just because you were too afraid to venture off into the unknown. And than you'll have to explain to yourself why you failed to believe enough in yourself to do so.

Red · Post by **Red** » Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:13 am

Id want my partner to sever all contact with this person if we were to have any kind of new start tbh, if she cant do this for you when she knows how much it tears you apart then she doesnt care enough im afraid, you should come before some bit on the side.

pantsonfire321@aol.com · Sun Jan 28, 2007 7:34 am

Red;532814 wrote: Id want my partner to sever all contact with this person if we were to have any kind of new start tbh, if she cant do this for you when she knows how much it tears you apart then she doesnt care enough im afraid, you should come before some bit on the side.

I agree , but then i wouldn't take a person back and i don't believe in cheating . If things have got that bad . Cut your losses and stop hurting each other .

wneelz42 · Post by **wneelz42** » Sun Feb 18, 2007 1:17 pm

I think that mabey you should try marriage counciling first. You say that your narriage has , for the most part been good. mabey it's worth a shot. If that doesn't work mabet=y it's time to go your seprat ways.

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Sun Feb 18, 2007 2:22 pm

wneelz42;553752 wrote: I think that mabey you should try marriage counciling first. You say that your narriage has , for the most part been good. mabey it's worth a shot. If that doesn't work mabet=y it's time to go your seprat ways.

"marriage counciling".... R..O..F..L..M..F..A..O. If it's bust, that won't tell you - only

you can do that. If it ain't bust, there's no point, and you wouldn't be there.

Have you been drinking, BTW?

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Sun Feb 18, 2007 8:05 pm

Bill Sikes;553803 wrote: "marriage counciling".... R..O..F..L..M..F..A..O. If it's bust, that won't tell you - only

you can do that. If it ain't bust, there's no point, and you wouldn't be there.

Have you been drinking, BTW?

Knock it off with the snark towards newbies, bs.

Right NOW.

Got it?

cherandbuster · Post by **cherandbuster** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:30 am

valerie;554013 wrote: Knock it off with the snark towards newbies, bs.

Right NOW.

Got it?

:-4 Val :-4

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:40 am

valerie;554013 wrote: Knock it off with the snark towards newbies, bs.

Right NOW.

Got it?

Don't be silly. Is it that you don't or can't understand, or *won't* understand?

It may be that I've mis-interpreted "snark", which does not seem meaningful

in the context of your article, as "being nasty to 'newbies'". If so, you'll have to

explain what you mean, and I will adjust my answer to you accordingly.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:29 am

Bill Sikes;554319 wrote: Don't be silly. Is it that you don't or can't understand, or *won't* understand?

It may be that I've mis-interpreted "snark", which does not seem meaningful

in the context of your article, as "being nasty to 'newbies'". If so, you'll have to

explain what you mean, and I will adjust my answer to you accordingly.

I understand perfectly well and it seems Cher, did, too. Don't continue

by telling me not to be silly, I'm not silly at all as you very well know.

My use of snark and your interpretation was meaningful, alright.

I'm tired of letting you get away with this kind of thing, I refuse to do it

any longer. Most ESPECIALLY with a newbie.

It's not right to point out spelling mistakes, and it's not right to ask

someone if they've been drinking.

Did you ever stop to think this person is in a wheelchair, that this

person might be a para or a quad? Or overcoming learning disabilities?

Clear enough for ya?

Bill Sikes · Post by **Bill Sikes** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 3:40 pm

valerie;554492 wrote: I understand perfectly well and it seems Cher, did, too.

Oh! I thought it was a slightly risque reference to your domineering attitude.

valerie;554492 wrote: Don't continue

by telling me not to be silly, I'm not silly at all as you very well know.

You would say that. I couldn't possibly comment.

valerie;554492 wrote: I'm tired of letting you get away with this kind of thing, I refuse to do it

any longer. Most ESPECIALLY with a newbie.

Don't be so silly, you keep on and on having a go at me. I don't really like the fact that you've developed a thing for me, but it's up to you, I suppose. Your choice of words, "tired of letting me get away with this sort of thing" (what??) and your "refusal to do it any longer", when you plainly can't resist the chance to have a pop at me whenever possible, is very interesting.

valerie;554492 wrote: Did you ever stop to think this person is in a wheelchair, that this

person might be a para or a quad? Or overcoming learning disabilities?

No, because I had not read what you read before you posted this poisonous rubbish. I suppose you'd go for condescending "positive discrimination", eh? Chair=lack of mental faculty? *I* don't think so, even though you apparently do.

valerie;554492 wrote: Clear enough for ya?

Yes, you are still leg humping. I don't like it.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 7:21 pm

Let's see, maybe if I try saying "Bill, sweetie pie, check out the FG rules

and the TOS." As a favor, darlin'? Would that get through to you?

You are violating same quite a lot. The "Don't be silly" and "Domineering

attitude" are baiting another member. Rude, to boot.

"On and on having a go at me" WHERE? I resisted the chance to have a

"pop" at you the other day. I just pm'd the person. I'm not about to do

your legwork for you and it doesn't matter anyway. Taking this one time

out of ALL the rest, you violated FG rules, and I called you on it. It's

not about YOU. Were it to be ANY other member who did the same

thing, I would say the same. It's just the other members aren't doing

it. YOU are. And I'm calling you on it and you don't like it. Too bad,

sweetie pie.

YOU were the one who said "chair=lack of mental faculty" NOT ME. I

never said that, nor did I even think it. Calling my post "poisonous

rubbish" AGAIN, violates the rules. Refering to my posts as "leg

humping"... what, bs, are you following along? Yes, that's right...

VIOLATES THE RULES.

Are you familiar with how to find all posts of any user? Take a gander

at mine, see how scarce I've made myself around here lately and then

try to figure out just why I would decide to post about this. Gee, do

you think it could be because I find it really important? :rolleyes:

You find it very interesting that I "can't resist the chance" to have a

pop at you, as you say... well here doll here is something *I* find

interesting... that you chose not to respond to one part of my post:

It's not right to point out spelling mistakes, and it's not right to ask

someone if they've been drinking.

Nope, you skated right around that bad boy.

Yes, I've made myself scarce. But for some strange reason, I still

care about this place and most of the people in it.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:16 pm

Think you could do this in a PM? It would be MUCH more appropriate and appreciated!

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:29 pm

RedGlitter;554967 wrote: Think you could do this in a PM? It would be MUCH more appropriate and appreciated!

Nope. If done that way, anyone who happens across the post of his

with the rule violations thinks they are "okay" because nobody challenged

it, and it is left there for all to see.

:-6

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:38 pm

I don't care about rule violations, that would be Tombstone's concern. Try using the report button if you're that upset. FG doesn't need any more untoward feelings bashed about and that's all that happens when people take their business to the forefront. You've already insulted the girl's dignity yourself by bringing up any possible problems she may or may not have and I for one am embarrassed by that.

valerie · Post by **valerie** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 8:51 pm

Well, I don't care what you care about. And I'm not upset at all.

Thanks ever so much for telling me what FG needs. You are a fine

one to discourse on THAT.

I did not "insult the girl's dignity" as you put it. You probably just

did by calling her a girl. She's a woman, one would think. I've

exchanged pm's with her, she and I are cool.

guppy · Post by **guppy** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:10 pm

back on topic on this thread-----both of you admitted to an affair..you expected your wife to forgive you for your indecretion but now you can't forget hers????????? that , is the typical male dominant attitude that makes me sick......

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Mon Feb 19, 2007 10:12 pm

You ought to stop your overbearing behavior and quit worrying about the TOS. What are you, the class tattle? You of ALL people are not fit to be telling anyone else how to behave. I'm now done with you missy.