joke of the day thread

Rapunzel · Post by **Rapunzel** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 8:46 pm

Nutty Jokes

=========

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

________________________________________________________________

FAMILY:

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

________________________________________________________________

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

cinamin · Post by **cinamin** » Wed Feb 28, 2007 9:55 pm

I have a really really good joke that is a true story, but I need to go to bed now, so I'll come back and write it tomorrow.

Musiclover89 · Post by **Musiclover89** » Fri Mar 02, 2007 3:44 pm

Q:What would happen if you were to through a Blonde of a Cliff?

A:She'd stop and ask for directions

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 5:43 am

What do you call that useless bit of skin at the end of a penis ?

A Man :-5

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 7:42 am

Soberano;571545 wrote: A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."

:wah: :wah: :wah:

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 8:14 am

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite

sex positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the

best.''I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy.'What is it?' 'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, Boy, these feel just like your sister's. 'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 9:10 am

At the end of WW2 a famous reporter went to a convent somewhere in Europe to ask the Nuns of their experiences during the war

He asked the Mother Superior how bad things were , this was her story

Firstly the Germans came and raped all the nuns except Sister Mary

Then the Russians came and raped all the nuns except Sister Mary

Then the Americans came and stayed for many weeks and raped all the nuns many times except Sister Mary

Now the reporter was confused and asked why was sister Mary left alone was she old or ugly

The Mother Superior said no it was not that it was just the fact that she is Gay and don't go in for that sort of thing

And anyway someone had to take the money :yh_laugh :yh_laugh

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 2:27 am

Uncle Fester;571623 wrote: At the end of WW2 a famous reporter went to a convent somewhere in Europe to ask the Nuns of their experiences during the war

He asked the Mother Superior how bad things were , this was her story

Firstly the Germans came and raped all the nuns except Sister Mary

Then the Russians came and raped all the nuns except Sister Mary

Then the Americans came and stayed for many weeks and raped all the nuns many times except Sister Mary

Now the reporter was confused and asked why was sister Mary left alone was she old or ugly

The Mother Superior said no it was not that it was just the fact that she is Gay and don't go in for that sort of thing

And anyway someone had to take the money :yh_laugh :yh_laugh:wah:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 2:34 am

travel tip: Economy-section farts on an inbound flight from the third world are the deadliest a traveler will ever encounter.

Great scientific discoveries: jiggling the toilet handle.

Let's stop underage srinking before it starts. Please explain this to me. It sounds tricky.

E-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 5:57 am

What do you do if your woman starts smoking

Slow down and possibly use a little lubricant:driving:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 3:41 am

Soberano;573448 wrote: A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
:wah: :wah:

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 3:44 am

A pager is an electronic leash, the better for your controllers to control you. One more sign that life belongs to someone else.

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 7:15 am

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Sun Mar 11, 2007 1:38 pm

BH672;573783 wrote: The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

:wah: :wah:

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:30 am

A lad comes home from school and asks his dad what is the difference between Potential and Reality . His dad thinks for a while and says

Son , I will show you.

Ask your mother if she would sleep with Harrison Ford for a Million , then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million.

The boy looking puzzled , goes to ask his mum first , His mum replies "don't tell your dad but yes I would "

He then goes to his sister , and she says " of course I would ".

The boy returns to his father and says, I have got it

POTENTIALLY we are sitting on two million ,but in REALITY we're living with a couple of slags :driving:

ice maiden · Post by **ice maiden** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:09 am

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighboorhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and whiskey bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a big party last night," the postman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Heck, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The postman laughs and says, "Dang, I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 1:55 am

:wah: :wah: I think these are all funny!

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Tue Mar 13, 2007 11:49 am

How do you make a room full of old ladies say " Sh*t"

Shout Bingo:wah: :wah:

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 8:19 am

What does Sinead O'Connor do after she combed her hair

She pulls her nickers up:D

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 11:53 am

You are so bad!:D

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 6:59 pm

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms in here." Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun guy!" (fungi)

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:14 am

This is snowman poop!

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:24 am

A frog telephones the Psychic hotline and is told, You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everthing about you.

The frog says, this is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?

No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 6:18 am

A nun, badly needing to use the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters.Bar The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in

there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back, and she proceeded to the rest-room After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don' t understand. Why Did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room? " Well, now they know you ' re one of us'', said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No I don't drink, but I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun."You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out! Now, how about that drink?"

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 9:57 am

:wah: :wah:

BH672 · Post by **BH672** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:27 am

What's green and sits out in the rain?

Paddy O'Furniture!!!

:wah: Sorry, Gman!:wah:

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 8:56 am

Tax time joke

At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice

you buy a lot of candles.

What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and

then they send us a free Box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the

Crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and Send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then

they send a free Box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on,

"What do you Do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you

perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is Save up all the foreskins and send them to Revenue Canada,

and about Once a year they send us a complete dick."

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:01 am

Three sisters, Molly , Polly and Fanny all had enormous feet , Fanny's being the biggest . One night Molly and Polly went to a dance where they were chatted up by a couple of men who noticed the size of their feet and said ," My god haven't you got big feet " to which Polly and Molly replied , If you think these are big you should see the size of our fanny's:wah: :wah:

Just think about it for a moment

saffy · Post by **saffy** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 9:07 am

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy, doc."

Doc - "What??"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign

of stress; do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I

worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary

and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non- stop and puts

me down every chance she gets"

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits "

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Mon Mar 19, 2007 11:34 am

Two Trees

Deep in the forest lived two trees, growing side by side for many a long year. One a BIRCH with its long tall branches, the other a BEECH with its green glowing leaves. They were the best of friends, through winter, spring, summer and fall they shared everthing, from rain water to food from their fallen leaves.

When the first rays of the spring sunshine appeared, a young sapling began to grow between the two trees. the birch looked down and said " that's my boy" but the beech tree disagreed "no that's my boy"

This tested long friendship and harsh words were spoken. So they asked a passing woodpecker if he would confirm who was the father of the sapling. Was it a son of a birch or a son of a beech!!!

After several minutes of pecking the woodpecker spoke...

" actually niether of you...as that's the best piece of ASH, i've had my ****** in for sometime...

Tater Tazz · Post by **Tater Tazz** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 12:54 pm

:wah: :wah:

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:14 pm

VibratorRecall.mp3

Check this out! I thought this was quite funny.

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:23 pm

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity . Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User.. (Please Read Reply)

______________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

BEST OF LUCK,

TECH SUPPORT

fisher · Post by **fisher** » Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:28 pm

The Commander

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander.

During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there were no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely and he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and the commander went to work on it.

About an hour, the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No sir. We usually just use the camel to ride into town."...

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 9:49 am

When I was young I prayed for a Cycle and then I found out that god did not work that way

So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness :-3

I stole this joke as well

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Fri Mar 30, 2007 10:07 am

Uncle Fester;585198 wrote: When I was young I prayed for a Cycle and then I found out that god did not work that way

So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness :-3

I stole this joke as well

fisher;582000 wrote: The Commander

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander.

During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there were no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely and he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and the commander went to work on it.

About an hour, the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?"

One of the men responded, "No sir. We usually just use the camel to ride into town."...

fisher;581998 wrote: Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity . Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User.. (Please Read Reply)

______________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony-Child Support". I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear"5.0 to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

BEST OF LUCK,

TECH SUPPORT

fisher;581991 wrote: VibratorRecall.mp3

Check this out! I thought this was quite funny.

fantastic :wah: :wah: