Control Freaks

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 5:31 am

My ex-wife, just like her mother, was a very domineering character. Despite me, my kids and even her fiance telling her she's a control freak she just doesn't see it and goes crazy when anyone tells her. She constantly issues a stream of edicts and commands that have to be complied with. The disproportionatly punitive measures meted out to anyone who doesn't do as she says have really affected my kids. My son went 3 years without seeing her and even now after a reconciliation, he can only stand to be in her company if he has a "get out" excuse lined up. This usually means me picking him up after a short period of contact. He doesn't phone her unless he absolutely has to.

Even though we split up 4 years ago, I still get told what to do. If I don't do it, it means that I'm stubborn. :rolleyes: It was ironic that despite the fact I never once in 20 years ever told her what to do, she cited ME being a control freak in her divorce petition. Apparently, a common trait of control freaks is to accuse others of their own shortcomings, so after initial anger, we had a good laugh at the absurdity of the statement.

These days, we do sort of get on for the benefit of all parties, but we are not friends. She has stated that my daughter is not to meet my girlfriend of 3 months until we've been together for a year. The funny thing is, I mistakenly thought I might have a say in when they meet but orders must be obeyed. Well, I say that, they have already met a couple of time in covert operations but oh boy, if word got out. It makes my girlfriend uncomfortable that my Daughter, who is constantly interrogated to see if they've met, has to lie as she lives in fear of her Mom.

I am going to Portugal with my Daughter on Sunday and my girlfriend was going to drive us to the airport 35 miles away. Now I have been told that alternative arrangements will have to be made and if my girlfriend "insists" on taking me, I will have to make an arrangement to get my Daughter to the airport seperately so that they don't meet. It is sad that after 4 years, when she's engaged to a guy, has had his baby etc, that she still feels the need to order me about. What the hell is it with control freaks?

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 5:53 am

:-4 :-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:17 am

:yh_hugs YOU know I feel your pain Unc....

I can relate to every single word of that...except I had a protective order for 2 years, and kept him from bugging me, but he still calls the shots and it's still all about HIM, and making sure he's not "bothered". He hardly sees the boys and when he does it's like he's a celebritiy...they are careful not to upset him or bother him with any of their problems because he will just critisize everything. It is very sad.

"Apparently, a common trait of control freaks is to accuse others of their own shortcomings" Is SO SO TRUE and so so so SAD!!

I wish the best for you and lots of these coming your way:yh_hugs

Nomad · Post by **Nomad** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:19 am

Brother man you just described my mom. Im still trying to iron the wrinkles in my mind out.

My advice is, dont ask her permission. That only feeds the beast.

And if she confronts you with diplinary actions for your indescretions (:rolleyes: ) find a way to dismiss her. Something short and sweet. Something that works for you. After all shes not in control of your life any longer. I understand about the kids but your their father as well and they love you. Thats not going to ever change.

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:29 am

i know exactly how you feel , i used to date a control freak :-6 :-6 doesn't life seem nice when you finally get away and having no one keep moaning at you

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:50 am

I was told by a police-woman one time to always make them think they have the upper hand, but don't really give it to them. There are ways to make them think they are still controlling the situation but they aren't.

One of the biggest signs of a Control Freak, is denial, they don't see it...NEVER!!

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 7:24 am

juno;586641 wrote: No-one has ever taken a blind bit of notice of my attempts at control freakery

*pouts*

(Sorry to be flippant, I hope you have a good holiday with your daughter :-6 )

yes I have....:yh_worshp :yh_worshp

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 8:32 am

A couple of years ago, my ex took my Daughter to California during school time for 3 weeks. A few weeks after their return, I said I wanted to take my Daughter to the Canary Islands for a week. My ex asked why I had to take her on holiday. Why did I have to go out of the country?. Why couldn't I take her somewhere in England even though it was March?. In the end I finally managed it, but she wouldn't hand over my Daughters passport until the very last moment because she "didn't trust me" :rolleyes:

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 8:35 am

Uncle Kram;586652 wrote: A couple of years ago, my ex took my Daughter to California during school time for 3 weeks. A few weeks after their return, I said I wanted to take my Daughter to the Canary Islands for a week. My ex asked why I had to take her on holiday. Why did I have to go out of the country?. Why couldn't I take her somewhere in England even though it was March?. In the end I finally managed it, but she wouldn't hand over my Daughters passport until the very last moment because she "didn't trust me" :rolleyes:

ARRRGHHHH, to my imaginary Island with HER!!

I always imagine this Island where we put these control freaks...we could name it, have a theme park for them....it calms me down sometimes...:guitarist

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 10:33 am

Ive had some dealing with controll freaks... but adressing the subject of your ex controlling you... My impression is that she still has feelings for you. If she were involved and happy in her new relationship, she wouldnt even spend the time manuvering things to make your life difficult. Not wanting your daughter to meet your girlfriend, is a red flag. I have the impression of your being a very responsible, and involved dad. So again, interferring with plans you have with the kids, indicates too much still of an involvement with you.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:13 pm

Poor you Kram, know how you feel, exactly how you feel. Tell your ex Betty Boop is taking you to the airport that should just about tip her over the edge! :wah:

Don't let her win, like my ex, your ex needs to realise she has no control, especially as your children are so much older and should be allowed to make up their own minds!

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:16 pm

i used to be a control freak now i'm just a freak

koan · Post by **koan** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:25 pm

weeder;586678 wrote: Ive had some dealing with controll freaks... but adressing the subject of your ex controlling you... My impression is that she still has feelings for you. If she were involved and happy in her new relationship, she wouldnt even spend the time manuvering things to make your life difficult. Not wanting your daughter to meet your girlfriend, is a red flag. I have the impression of your being a very responsible, and involved dad. So again, interferring with plans you have with the kids, indicates too much still of an involvement with you.

That's not necessarily true.

My ex-sister in law has no desire to be with my brother but does the exact same thing. When his new girlfriend moved in she refused to let him see his kids until she moved out. She won't allow him to leave the kids with any babysitters, including the one she chose while they were together or my parents.

She moved out of the city with the kids with three days notice. She lives with the man she left him for... the guy who she had move into their home before they had separated and with whom she had an affair causing the split in the first place.

From what we can tell, she needs to manipulate everyone and everything so that she keeps a feeling of superiority and this illusion that everything she has done is right. If she compromises then she goes into a panic on how to make sure everyone knows she is still the boss. Yet if he tried to get back together with her she'd laugh in his face. There are no feelings there for anyone else but herself.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:40 pm

Betty Boop;586704 wrote: Poor you Kram, know how you feel, exactly how you feel. Tell your ex Betty Boop is taking you to the airport that should just about tip her over the edge! :wah:

Don't let her win, like my ex, your ex needs to realise she has no control, especially as your children are so much older and should be allowed to make up their own minds!
Well Dans 24 this year and he obviously voted with his feet. Laura was 15 yesterday and history may yet repeat itself. Laura incurred the wrath of her Mom by stating at the time we split up that she wanted to live with me. My ex once said that the kids were only interested in me. She told me I had to do less with them. That was one order I didn't follow. I did however suggest that she should do more. :rolleyes:

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:51 pm

Uncle Kram;586732 wrote: Well Dans 24 this year and he obviously voted with his feet. Laura was 15 yesterday and history may yet repeat itself. Laura incurred the wrath of her Mom by stating at the time we split up that she wanted to live with me. My ex once said that the kids were only interested in me. She told me I had to do less with them. That was one order I didn't follow. I did however suggest that she should do more. :rolleyes:

Wish Laura a belated happy birthday from me - lovely girl, :-4 :-4 who will one day be pushed too far by her mum and sadly her mum will be the one to lose out - not you.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 12:57 pm

Belated Birthday Wishes to Laura from me too!! :-4

The control freaks will wind up the lonely ones thats for sure. My two are already stating every friday that they don't want to go to Dads, but if I say that to him I get told I'm manipulating them, I have always been a manipulative bitch apparently. :-2

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:01 pm

Betty Boop;586738 wrote: Belated Birthday Wishes to Laura from me too!! :-4

The control freaks will wind up the lonely ones thats for sure. My two are already stating every friday that they don't want to go to Dads, but if I say that to him I get told I'm manipulating them, I have always been a manipulative bitch apparently. :-2

One day they will be old enough to make that decision for themselves - but until then that's really tough on you. Hugs to you Boops:-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:01 pm

Betty Boop;586738 wrote: Belated Birthday Wishes to Laura from me too!! :-4

The control freaks will wind up the lonely ones thats for sure. My two are already stating every friday that they don't want to go to Dads, but if I say that to him I get told I'm manipulating them, I have always been a manipulative bitch apparently. :-2

See I love that, it's always OUR fault...My ex hasn't contacted the kids in a month and then finally did last week, told THEM (not me) that he MIGHT see them in the next 2 weekends...they are supposed to drop everything for him, when HE has time. Plus he won't step foot near My house because I got the restraining order, (which is no longer in effect for 2 years now btw) so I HAVE to meet him somewhere with the kids...He refuses to come drop them off or pick them up...ALL About HIM!!

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:06 pm

WonderWendy3;586743 wrote: See I love that, it's always OUR fault...My ex hasn't contacted the kids in a month and then finally did last week, told THEM (not me) that he MIGHT see them in the next 2 weekends...they are supposed to drop everything for him, when HE has time. Plus he won't step foot near My house because I got the restraining order, (which is no longer in effect for 2 years now btw) so I HAVE to meet him somewhere with the kids...He refuses to come drop them off or pick them up...ALL About HIM!!

My friend's ex is like that, he's a bit mental actually - he's trying to get custody of his son (he says anyway) but then my friend has recently discovered that he has another son of similar age that he won't even acknowledge. He's supposedly gone to Social Services and all sorts. It got to the point of communicating through letter only. What these idiots don't think of is the damage it does to the children.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:06 pm

Uncle Kram;586732 wrote: Well Dans 24 this year and he obviously voted with his feet. Laura was 15 yesterday and history may yet repeat itself. Laura incurred the wrath of her Mom by stating at the time we split up that she wanted to live with me. My ex once said that the kids were only interested in me. She told me I had to do less with them. That was one order I didn't follow. I did however suggest that she should do more. :rolleyes:
I suppose the next thing you will say is that the ex always decided when you two were going too have sex when you were married. Oh my! I think its happening to me also HELP!:D :wah:

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:13 pm

Imladris;586744 wrote: My friend's ex is like that, he's a bit mental actually - he's trying to get custody of his son (he says anyway) but then my friend has recently discovered that he has another son of similar age that he won't even acknowledge. He's supposedly gone to Social Services and all sorts. It got to the point of communicating through letter only. What these idiots don't think of is the damage it does to the children.

Hang on, your talking about my ex there! :wah: They must all follow the same handbook.:rolleyes:

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:20 pm

Betty Boop;586752 wrote: Hang on, your talking about my ex there! :wah: They must all follow the same handbook.:rolleyes:

Thank goodness hubby only reads the Screwfix catalogue then!

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:49 pm

Imladris;586744 wrote: My friend's ex is like that, he's a bit mental actually - he's trying to get custody of his son (he says anyway) but then my friend has recently discovered that he has another son of similar age that he won't even acknowledge. He's supposedly gone to Social Services and all sorts. It got to the point of communicating through letter only. What these idiots don't think of is the damage it does to the children.

Yes, My Ex took my children away from me to punish me and all it did was hurt me more to see the sad faces of my children. He only lasted 2 months and couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want them, just to hurt me and the SOB even admitted that to me later!:-5

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:50 pm

YZGI;586746 wrote: I suppose the next thing you will say is that the ex always decided when you two were going too have sex when you were married. Oh my! I think its happening to me also HELP!:D :wah:

MY Ex didn't know the word "NO" there was NO such thing...and therefore I did if I wanted to or not and even in my sleep and told about it the next morning!!:-1

Imladris · Post by **Imladris** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 1:55 pm

WonderWendy3;586774 wrote: Yes, My Ex took my children away from me to punish me and all it did was hurt me more to see the sad faces of my children. He only lasted 2 months and couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want them, just to hurt me and the SOB even admitted that to me later!:-5

Just waiting for my step-daughters ex to try something like that. I think it will come eventually. He's ok at the moment but if she meets someone else then the trouble will start. He's a bit fed up at the moment because I took her and their son to look at a nursery and signed up for after easter and he wasn't asked to go too. Had to point out that firstly he was at work and secondly that as he wouldn't offer to pay not even some of the cost then he doesn't have much to complain about!!

DelicateDominatrix · Post by **DelicateDominatrix** » Tue Apr 03, 2007 4:01 pm

My hubby is kinda controlling but he is lightening up and there is a mod at mjno who is extremely power hungry and controlling.Personally I feel she does not have the right temperment to be a moderator.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:43 am

My ex used to tell me that I couldn't have my hair cut. She used to say that I was being selfish having it cut as it was her that had to look at me, not myself, and that when I had it cut, I looked like I had Downs Syndrome. Lovely girl.

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:45 am

Out of curiosity, Uncle K, how much worse did she get after you married her? I'm assuming there were indications that she was a control freak but she wouldn't have been so blatant until she had you "trapped".

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 5:59 am

koan;586909 wrote: Out of curiosity, Uncle K, how much worse did she get after you married her? I'm assuming there were indications that she was a control freak but she wouldn't have been so blatant until she had you "trapped".
Pretty bad. If we had a disagreement, she would threaten to take my kids to live in America so I always had to back down. I didn't see the curved ball coming, but my friends and family tried to warn me. They were all pleased and relieved when I was "liberated" even though it took a long time.

When I moved into what she referred to as "Your Little House", I happened to mention that I would probably put a computer in the smallest 3rd bedroom. She told me that I couldn't do that and I had to have the computer downstairs. In the end, I did have it downstairs, but because I decided that was best and not because I'd been told. In fact thinking about it now, she probably thinks I did as I was told :rolleyes: .

Even though Laura was 15 this week, she still doesn't have a key to her Moms house which has caused a problem a few times. My ex phoned me up and told me that Laura wasn't allowed a key to my house either. After hiding them for 18 months it eventually came to light that she had some. My ex also told me that Laura wasn't allowed to play with any kids who live by me and said that she would be randomly driving by to make sure she wasn't outside with them. As she was with them all the time, I guess it was a threat that wasn't carried out.

koan · Post by **koan** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 6:01 am

It sounds like she might have a mental disorder.

YZGI · Post by **YZGI** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 6:46 am

koan;586909 wrote: Out of curiosity, Uncle K, how much worse did she get after you married her? I'm assuming there were indications that she was a control freak but she wouldn't have been so blatant until she had you "trapped".
Sounds like it might have been a shotgun wedding and she was holding the shotgun.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 8:21 am

koan;586915 wrote: It sounds like she might have a mental disorder.
I've always thought she'd overdosed on the nutty pills :rolleyes:

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Wed Apr 04, 2007 8:27 am

Uncle Kram;586979 wrote: I've always thought she'd overdosed on the nutty pills :rolleyes:

She overdosed on the "It's All about me pills"...she needs to CHILLLLAX!!

And leave Super Krambo alone!!:-4

There, I have spoken, let it be so.....

:wah:

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu May 17, 2007 1:17 pm

Just had another argument with the nutty pill popper.

Me and my girlfriend are going to Wales for 3 days the weekend after next. My ex said she was doing something that Saturday (a day I normally have Laura along with Tuesday & Friday nights) so I could'nt go as Laura couldn't be at my house on her own. I said it was no problem as my son said he'd come over for the day to look after her. Even though he's nearly 24, she said that was unacceptable and she was sick of me putting what she sneeringly referred to as my "girlie" before my daughter. She claimed that I had seen my girlfriend lots of times when I should have seen Laura. Actually, that has only happened once when I was recently in Cyprus, and anyway, the 7 days I spent with Laura in Portugal the week before that more than made up for it. She said if me and my girlfriend go away again and I miss time with Laura, something will have to be "sorted out" regarding contact.

I feel really low right now as an encounter with her controlling and threatening personality has taken me back to a dark place.

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Thu May 17, 2007 1:25 pm

Uncle Kram;615368 wrote: Just had another argument with the nutty pill popper.

Me and my girlfriend are going to Wales for 3 days the weekend after next. My ex said she was doing something that Saturday (a day I normally have Laura along with Tuesday & Friday nights) so I could'nt go as Laura couldn't be at my house on her own. I said it was no problem as my son said he'd come over for the day to look after her. Even though he's nearly 24, she said that was unacceptable and she was sick of me putting what she sneeringly referred to as my "girlie" before my daughter. She claimed that I had seen my girlfriend lots of times when I should have seen Laura. Actually, that has only happened once when I was recently in Cyprus, and anyway, the 7 days I spent with Laura in Portugal the week before that more than made up for it. She said if me and my girlfriend go away again and I miss time with Laura, something will have to be "sorted out" regarding contact.

I feel really low right now as an encounter with her controlling and threatening personality has taken me back to a dark place.

:yh_brokeh :yh_hugs :yh_hugs :-4 to you Uncle...I am so sorry....

Post by **Betty Boop** » Thu May 17, 2007 1:41 pm

Uncle Kram;615368 wrote: Just had another argument with the nutty pill popper.

Me and my girlfriend are going to Wales for 3 days the weekend after next. My ex said she was doing something that Saturday (a day I normally have Laura along with Tuesday & Friday nights) so I could'nt go as Laura couldn't be at my house on her own. I said it was no problem as my son said he'd come over for the day to look after her. Even though he's nearly 24, she said that was unacceptable and she was sick of me putting what she sneeringly referred to as my "girlie" before my daughter. She claimed that I had seen my girlfriend lots of times when I should have seen Laura. Actually, that has only happened once when I was recently in Cyprus, and anyway, the 7 days I spent with Laura in Portugal the week before that more than made up for it. She said if me and my girlfriend go away again and I miss time with Laura, something will have to be "sorted out" regarding contact.

I feel really low right now as an encounter with her controlling and threatening personality has taken me back to a dark place.

I'm right there with you Mark, my ex did that to me on Tuesday. Hang on in there, you have done nothing wrong other than get on with your life, just like me! I think it hurts them to see us looking so good, well and happy at last and they start fighting to regain a little bit of 'control' :-4 :-4

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu May 17, 2007 2:35 pm

She's all threats. Always has been. I don't think any court would expect me to have Laura 52 Saturdays per year when I'm trying to build a new life. I see her on other days instead.

Remember I was originally told I was only "allowed" to see Laura "once a fortnight for tea and no stopping over". I love my daughter and went to court to fight for the contact I now have. I have no intention of relinquishing that time. There is room in my life for the love I have from both Laura and my girlfriend. I told my ex that me and Lee will be going away a lot so she had better get used to it.

Uncle Kram · Post by **Uncle Kram** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:10 am

I sent a text message to my ex telling her I'm going away for 4 days in a couple of weeks and 5 days next month. Both trips start on a Saturday, a day I normally have my daughter until 8pm. I said that I'd have Laura an extra night in the week before each trip instead. She said we'd had this discussion before and I would be having Laura on her time. It later transpired that the thing that had really got under her skin was that I'd told her I was going away instead of asking !!!! :rolleyes:

Indian Princess · Post by **Indian Princess** » Mon Sep 03, 2007 9:07 am

-you have just described my ex-husband and my boss. Egg shell city.

However ,my boss turns ev erything around so that it looks like the complaining individual is the control freak, and the problem, as for the ex- it will never change.