when i was on the plane to see chantelle i took a copy of viz with me after i read it this american guy asked to borrow it i said yes thinking you wont get it and expected him to have a quick look and then give it back but he and his buddy's were crying with laughter
i just wondered if any of you guys read it and found it funny
i've posted a link thingy just click on it and see what you think
oh be warned its very rude humour :wah: :wah: if your easy offended dont read
<<<<<click here if your broad minded only
viz
viz
Pinky;635320 wrote: I'm more 'Cider Woman' myself!:D
Anyone seen Brown Bottle Man?:wah:
big vern ... he cracks me up :wah: :wah:
Anyone seen Brown Bottle Man?:wah:
big vern ... he cracks me up :wah: :wah:
viz
so that's what zig a zag ahhh means! :p
"Girls are crazy! I'm not ever getting married, I can make my own sandwiches!"
my son
my son
viz
Readers letters and top tips, always crack me up
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.
Debbie Forster
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.
Debbie Forster
My dog's a cross between a Shihtzu and a Bulldog... It's a Bullsh!t..
viz
Haha!
Letters page.
I learned with interest this week that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc. I also burnt my arse cheeks quite badly.
C. Drakeman, London
Letters page.
I learned with interest this week that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc. I also burnt my arse cheeks quite badly.
C. Drakeman, London
My dog's a cross between a Shihtzu and a Bulldog... It's a Bullsh!t..
viz
dubs;635355 wrote: Readers letters and top tips, always crack me up
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.
Debbie Forster
top tips buddy
there may be a bad word or three
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Crap Jokes: Stupid: Viz Top Tips
VIZ TOP TIPSSave a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. Theywill wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.J B Cartland, Brighton.Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can bedispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.J. T., Thropton.Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping yourchin into a bowl of iron filings.B Villbens, Birmingham.X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens bydrinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strangeplace the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously"erased."Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest toguest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibbledispenser at cocktail parties.L Traintu, Clarkesville.Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hidingunder the covers.Charles Holley, Newcastle.Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to anempty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in eachpocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry andreceive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.P.Turner, Liverpool L17.Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and askingthem to wrap it.D. Treloar, Wandsworth.A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes anideal "car" for snakes.G. Dorson, Skipton.Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts andgrazes with thin strips of bacon.Phil Wasey, Liverpool.Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling filmand press them into your eyes.D. Stokes, Middlesex.Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.P.J. Ruddock, London.Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simplychanging your name to match your existing plate.Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flattire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer tothe object you wish to view.S Goldhanger, Fulchester.Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppaanytime by just turning on the tap.Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fullyrefreshed and on time.Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol wheneveryou park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or twoplastic buckets.D. Griffiths, Kent.Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails andtalking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,or set fire to someone else's house.Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to thetape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can havesex without waking her up.Frank Wilson, Southend.Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you'reshite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extragirlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.D Thresher, Wapping.Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozenchips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes thefishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match inevery room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source ofthe escaping gas.N. Burke, Manchester.As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if wesmell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use insuch emergencies.Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in thedirection of oncoming traffic.D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in casea large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way upthe road.D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable MiddleEast country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore BritishGovernment advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan afew weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't anyplanes home.S Goblin, Middlesex.Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get yourhead stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slideout.Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.M Burridge, Newcastle.Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.P Raker, Chatham.Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one andattaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then beworn around the neck.B Morgan, Criccieth.Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one andslip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.D Duckham, Didford.Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternativeto sun-bed treatments.Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eatingcakes again.P Loft, Gateshead.I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you havecompletely forgotten ever owning a car.Mike Grey, Essex.Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth bysteeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.T.C. Jackson, York.Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simplygluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!Toffee.A. Sharp, Birmingham.Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork bymaking "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to eachtemple.Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" afew wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, andeasier to smuggle into the toilet.Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an idealcoat hanger in an emergency.Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to yourintended destination in the first place.Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuseneighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette playerduring a powercut.Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow youon a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take theblame.Bastien Phelp, Bath.Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air overany that you catch in the act.W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipeand a cricket ball.I. K. Brunel, Bristol.Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turnback the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.C. Custer, Little Bighorn.Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath witha torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn offthe room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramaticand dangerous landings.Neil Davis, e-
mail.Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style brandingirons.J.T. Thropton.An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes aninexpensive vibrator.Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of TheWorlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around theirholes.J.T. Thropton.Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking downthe street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat inyour hand and constantly looking up into the sky.Simone Glover, Tottenham. Links
Virtual Viz Vault Viz Comics
• Garden Pharmacy
TAME budgies and parrots easily by replacing their grit with iron filings. By holding a large magnet, they will sit hapilly on your hand for hours.
Debbie Forster
top tips buddy
there may be a bad word or three
web hostingdomain namesphoto sharing
Search
AltaVista
Problems?
Lucky Dip
:location=doluckydip(depth);">Go
Crap Jokes: Stupid: Viz Top Tips
VIZ TOP TIPSSave a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. Theywill wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.J B Cartland, Brighton.Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can bedispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.J. T., Thropton.Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping yourchin into a bowl of iron filings.B Villbens, Birmingham.X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens bydrinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strangeplace the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously"erased."Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest toguest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibbledispenser at cocktail parties.L Traintu, Clarkesville.Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hidingunder the covers.Charles Holley, Newcastle.Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to anempty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in eachpocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry andreceive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.P.Turner, Liverpool L17.Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and askingthem to wrap it.D. Treloar, Wandsworth.A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes anideal "car" for snakes.G. Dorson, Skipton.Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts andgrazes with thin strips of bacon.Phil Wasey, Liverpool.Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling filmand press them into your eyes.D. Stokes, Middlesex.Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.P.J. Ruddock, London.Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simplychanging your name to match your existing plate.Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flattire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer tothe object you wish to view.S Goldhanger, Fulchester.Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppaanytime by just turning on the tap.Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fullyrefreshed and on time.Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol wheneveryou park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or twoplastic buckets.D. Griffiths, Kent.Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails andtalking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,or set fire to someone else's house.Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to thetape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can havesex without waking her up.Frank Wilson, Southend.Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you'reshite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extragirlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.D Thresher, Wapping.Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozenchips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes thefishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match inevery room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source ofthe escaping gas.N. Burke, Manchester.As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if wesmell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use insuch emergencies.Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in thedirection of oncoming traffic.D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in casea large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way upthe road.D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable MiddleEast country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore BritishGovernment advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan afew weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't anyplanes home.S Goblin, Middlesex.Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get yourhead stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slideout.Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.M Burridge, Newcastle.Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.P Raker, Chatham.Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one andattaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then beworn around the neck.B Morgan, Criccieth.Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one andslip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.D Duckham, Didford.Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternativeto sun-bed treatments.Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eatingcakes again.P Loft, Gateshead.I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you havecompletely forgotten ever owning a car.Mike Grey, Essex.Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth bysteeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.T.C. Jackson, York.Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simplygluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!Toffee.A. Sharp, Birmingham.Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork bymaking "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to eachtemple.Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" afew wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, andeasier to smuggle into the toilet.Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an idealcoat hanger in an emergency.Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to yourintended destination in the first place.Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuseneighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette playerduring a powercut.Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow youon a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take theblame.Bastien Phelp, Bath.Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air overany that you catch in the act.W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipeand a cricket ball.I. K. Brunel, Bristol.Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turnback the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.C. Custer, Little Bighorn.Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath witha torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn offthe room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramaticand dangerous landings.Neil Davis, e-
mail.Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style brandingirons.J.T. Thropton.An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes aninexpensive vibrator.Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of TheWorlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around theirholes.J.T. Thropton.Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking downthe street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat inyour hand and constantly looking up into the sky.Simone Glover, Tottenham. Links
Virtual Viz Vault Viz Comics
• Garden Pharmacy
