So what should I do? -Help advice needed.

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:21 am

Some of you will be aware that I am nursing my lovely Mum (who has terminal cancer). Yesterday when her doctor visited he presented me with a question that has completely floored me, he wants me to decide if Mum is to be resuscitated in the event of any major event happening. I have to make a decision so that a form can be added to her medical notes so that in the event of, say a heart attack, and emergency admission to hospital or attendance by a paramedic here, they will have a definitive guideline as to what action they are to take.

What the hell do I do and how can I make any decision here, of course I don't want my Mum to die and to be the one who is responsible for that happening but on the other hand I don't want her to go on suffering what she is going through at the moment and if I say I want efforts made to resuscitate her then aren't I condemning her to even more suffering. Bearing in mind that she is 94 and very frail, wouldn't it be kinder to let them put "Do Not Resuscitate" on her records but if I do can I ever live with that decision in the event of something happening.

Has anyone on here been in this situation and what advice would you offer me, I really would appreciate opinions to help me reach a decision.

buttercup · Post by **buttercup** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:26 am

Hi Choccie :-4

Have you asked mum what she wants to do? If you dont feel you can, could the doctor ask her?

I know i would like to make that decision myself (if i were her) I would not want my daughters left with that choice.

Personally for myself at 94, no i would not want resucitated.

Post by **Betty Boop** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:34 am

Thats an awful decision to have to make, I guess you are the only child so it's all down to you. Follow your gut instinct and let go of any guilt.

If the question was posed to me regarding my Mum I would say Do not resuscitate every time, I have a brother and a sister so I know it would not be down to me alone.

I witnessed them trying to resuscitate my Dad because they have to, it all happened very quickly and before they had the chance to ask that question, it broke my heart, it was time for him to go and I wanted him to go peacefully.

Take care hun

:-4 and :yh_hugs to you both.

weeder · Post by **weeder** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:46 am

That is the most difficult decison one could ever be asked to make. You should try to speak to your mom about it, before your caught unprepared.

Her age definately enters into the decision. And much as you dont want to lose her, the decision does reflect your hearts wish, not to have her suffer.

Love to you, and Gods strength to help you through this difficult time.

RedGlitter · Post by **RedGlitter** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:58 am

Wow Chocoholic,

Your post just slammed me in the face.

I know exactly where you are standing right now. That's not to sound presumptuous.

I will tell you what I can about my mom and I. As you know she had cancer that ended up terminal. She was only 66. She and I had talked for years and years about life and death and our wishes. She had always told me "if they're going to put me on machines to keep me alive, let me go. I don't want it." I always knew where she stood. And in the hospital near the end, she told them herself "no resuscitation." But when that time came on her last day, and the doctors asked me what I wanted to do, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I told them to make her as comfortable as possible and let her go. They hooked her up to a morphine drip to ease the pain of the cancer and within about 45 minutes to an hour, she was free.

I never once regretted my decision because I knew it was what Mom wanted. Even if she hadn't told me so many times, that's still what I would have done because I had seen that there were things far worse than dying. No way would I want my mom to have been resuscitated just to prolong the situation. There would have been no point. My mom was terminal, that wasn't going to change.

In the end, I was my mother's agent and I helped her have a peaceful leaving and now she is free.

Chocoholic, I don't know you that well but you don't know how much I am feeling for you right now as I write this, knowing firsthand the situation you are in.

I'll be straightforward with you. You're probably scared that if you tell them not to resuscitate, that you'll feel responsible for her death. That's a heck of a burden for anyone to be saddled with. But that's not true. God, Nature, whatever you may or may not believe in, is what will determine when your mother leaves, not you, Choc. All you're doing if you say "no heroics" is ensuring that they will make your mother comfortable and ensuring that she be allowed to go in dignity and grace.

If your mom is able to discuss it, please talk it over with her. I know it's so hard to do. But chances are, it's already on her mind. Tell her you want to do whatever her wishes are and ask what she wants you to do.

If you want to talk to me, just send me a PM or an email. I'm right here.

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:12 am

Chocoholic,

This is a very sad time for you, and a very difficult decision.

If your Mum is unable to help you with this decision - as a previous poster has said, you need to go with your gut feelings on this.

I will say, that when it came near the end for my Mum, I found myself begging the doctors to leave her alone and let her go.

My thoughts are with you Choccy,

Theresa :-4

Sweet Tooth · Post by **Sweet Tooth** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 5:52 am

Scary! At 18, I had to write a will and my husband at 23 had to write one right before he went to Iraq. We had to discuss all of that as well. They told us in Legal though that you could make the decision based on what happened like, heart attack and I will be a veg, then no or if I will only be paralyzed then yes, stuff like that- but I agree with the other posters- I think gut feeling is the best way- you know what your mom wants and needs. I think she trusts you.

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:15 am

Thank you everyone for your opinions, I am still numbed by the question, I am having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Mum has terminal cancer that I hadn't even begun to think about such things as resuscitation.

I don't know whether to tell Mum about this or not, to be honest things are not so good at the moment, she has been having panic attacks for the past few days because her breathing is so difficult (she has a recurrance of the breast cancer that she suffered 17years ago and this time has secondary tumours in both lungs so I guess this time around it is considered as lung cancer). She is such a fighter and won't take any help that isn't really needed, the doctor wants her to take Lorzepam or Diazepam to help with the panic attacks but she is resisting taking them because they knock her out and leave her so sleepy and doped up and at the moment she wants to remain in control.

I hate having to watch her struggling for breath, have asked the doctor about her having oxygen but he says that it won't help her.

In view of the panic attacks, I am loathe to ask her about the resuscitation situation in case I make things worse, as it is she hates seeing me upset and tells me that she can only be strong and face things if she sees that I am strong and coping, God if only she knew how many times I howl my head off in the shower where she can't see or hear me.

Betty - I do have 2 sisters but they are going through personal troubles as well at the moment and they feel that as Mum's prime carer I should take the decision, (personally I feel that's a bit of a cop out but that's what they are telling me).

Red - thank you for your honesty and personal experience. I do worry that if something happened and they tried to resuscitate Mum she might end up a lot worse off than she is now and so I am leaning towards telling them not to resuscitate but then I have the memory of my Dad's death from Alzheimers and I still feel guilty about so much from that time, so the thought that I might end up responsible for Mum not being resuscitated is haunting me already.

I still don't really know what to do, in my heart I want my Mum to live forever but in my head I know that she is miserable and so unhappy about what is happening to her right now and I also am sure that she would hate ending up hooked up to machines if anything went wrong, so I guess I have answered my own question more or less, haven't I?

I will try and pick a moment when Mum is coping better and try and discuss it with her but if I can't manage to do that I guess I will tell the doctor to show "Do not resuscitate" on her records and at least that way I know that she will not have to endure any more indignities and suffering on top of what is happening now.

Thank you again everyone for your support and opinions, it has helped me to come to a decision.:-4

WonderWendy3 · Post by **WonderWendy3** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:17 am

:yh_hugs :-4 :yh_hugs :-4

I haven't had to make that decisions and my heart breaks for you. I wish I could help in some way. I am lifting you up in prayer.

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 6:46 am

I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through at this time:-4 WE are going through it now with my husbands Mother. The doctors here however have took the decision themselves and told my father in law last week that whatever happens he must not try to resusitate, and he must not call the emergency services as they will resusitate, he has a special number to call instead. It was heartbreaking for us to heear and im sure even more so for him, but at least he wasnt asked to decide.

You love your mum , you know whats right for her, whatever you decide it will be out of love. :yh_hugs

Pheasy · Post by **Pheasy** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:13 am

kazalala;657218 wrote: I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through at this time:-4 WE are going through it now with my husbands Mother. The doctors here however have took the decision themselves and told my father in law last week that whatever happens he must not try to resusitate, and he must not call the emergency services as they will resusitate, he has a special number to call instead. It was heartbreaking for us to heear and im sure even more so for him, but at least he wasnt asked to decide.

You love your mum , you know whats right for her, whatever you decide it will be out of love. :yh_hugs

How true Kaz :-4

sunny104 · Post by **sunny104** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:38 am

sending you lots of love and prayers! :-4

Carl44 · Post by **Carl44** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:47 am

dear choco ,my thoughts are with you ,if it was my loved one i would not want them to suffer ,but its your decision and yours alone but whatever one you make i wish you the strength to get through this terrible time :-1 :-1 :-4

Patsy Warnick · Post by **Patsy Warnick** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:11 am

A difficult decision indeed..

I recently had to decide to take my Nephew off Life Support at the age of 27.

You will make the right decision - discuss this situation with your siblings so you have another perspective -it comes down to the quality of Life - relieving one from pain.

Your in my thoughts

Patsy

minks · Post by **minks** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 9:01 am

I don't envy you one bit. I can't ever imagine what you must be feeling

I suspect it is ultimately your mom's choice but if something happened to her and she said do resusitate (oops spelling) and you had to stand by and watch her suffer then what?

I can only go on what I have experienced, my ex father in law suffered greatly for 3 months with his cancer because the family kept hoping for something I don't know what. He finally passed on he was not even 70. It was pure h e ll to watch, I can't even begin to tell you how awful that was. I was the only one in the family who wanted him cut loose. Never ever again.

Don't get me wrong I didn't want him to go, and I lived through the opposite as well, my gran at 94 became terminally ill, she was only kept on life support for about 3 days and we could not for the love or anything or anybody watch her struggle further and we all agreed she had to be cut free, and to me that was far better than what the ex FIL went through.

Again only my own experiences.

chocoholic · Post by **chocoholic** » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:37 pm

Thank you everyone who took the time and trouble to reply and help me reach a decision, I am going to try and discuss this with Mum but if she doesn't want to discuss it or if the panic attack situation continues, then I shall tell them to mark her records not to resuscitate because I feel it would only prolong her misery and unhappiness.

I can't bear the thought of it happening but that's only my selfishness and I must do what would be the best thing for my darling little Mum (:-4 )

Thanks again, all your words were considered and VERY much appreciated.

Gail:-6 :-4

kazalala · Post by **kazalala** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 4:41 am

You have put the best interests of your mother before your own, i know it will still be very hard when the time comes, i wish you all the strength you need:-4 :-4

cars · Post by **cars** » Wed Jul 11, 2007 6:27 am

Choccie my heart goes out to you & your mum. Just something to consider. That being "kept alive", especially in severe pain is just "existing"! It certainly is not "living". And considering the prognosis is for her to not recover. At 94 she has led a full life, in many cases a longer life than many others in the world. However, to loved ones, it always can never be long enough. Stay strong, and may you find peace in your decision.